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Original poster

Baby Shower Gift List - How rude????

108 replies

bacon · 18/06/2008 21:37

Had an invite to a baby shower with a gift list - how rude is that?
Surely gifts should be personal according to expenditure and how friendly you are with that person. I cant think of anything sader than a woman opening her presents without her partner being present and how embarassing to fluant your gifts in front of others. Presents should be given to both parents after the birth and all is well. I've never spent more than £20 on a gift anyway. Its another commercialised spin whats the matter with a nice party with fun and food, good old friendship! My husband would be horrified if I had sent a "want list" around and I'd deffinately wouldnt have any friends left either! We should all stick together on this and say NO! I'm not doing this!!

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bacon · 22/06/2008 17:34

What a great idea to recycle instead of a new gift. It wouldnt bother me, I love cast off's. Much more thought would go through it as we want to keep so much of the lovely first born clothing, dont we? Perhaps I'll do that and see her nose curl so far towards the ceiling we could hang our receipts on it! God, am I not looking forward to this excuse to give me more presents do!

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ScottishMummy · 22/06/2008 17:51

i would feel awkward asking friends for NB gifts.i got up the duff so my responsibility to buy any necessary items gifts are lovely but one should not expect nor imo request

slinkiemalinki · 22/06/2008 22:05

I think it's very rude - obviously it's entirely different if people ask you what you want, and different if you live in a country/in a culture where this is OK, but this is not the point being made here... In bog standard british society I would say that it's not!
We get the "no boxed gifts please" from my husband's family for baby birthdays etc (they are Indian). We never specified it when we had a gathering when DD was born and turned 1, but we have received some obviously unwanted recycled things for her. I just say thanks and give them to charity!

Ponkey · 05/08/2009 14:00

Nothing is rude, it just depends of your culture. Baby showers are indeed American, in Europe you'd more likely to send everyone a little card to announce the birth, with the name, weight, etc, where you can visit the mother and baby and mention you have a list somewhere for anyone who'd like to make presents, with no obligation.
This is the very polite way to do it in my country.

Treats · 05/08/2009 15:12

I guess if you accept the logic of a wedding list, then a baby shower list makes a lot of sense.....

I think the difference is that in this country, it's pretty much expected that you'll bring a gift with you if you attend the wedding, and - although it CAN be a bit grabby - it makes sense to give some suggestions about what you'd like.

But baby showers are not common here and they're not very formal affairs, so I'm not sure that anyone would or should be EXPECTED to bring a gift for the mum to be, and therefore I don't think a list is reasonable or appropriate.

I do think it's nice to get together with all your mates before the birth though, and I'm planning to do this. It's strictly NOT a baby shower though, and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to bring a gift. I don't want any of the other rituals that they have in the States either. It's strictly a 'wish me luck, ladies' sort of night.......

paisleyleaf · 05/08/2009 15:31

I think it's rude and crass
It's a shame they're taking off over here....they just seem so greedy.
(And I'd thought the point was that they were organized as a surprise for the mum-to-be and hosted by a sister or friend. Not organizing your own one........ with a list).

paisleyleaf · 05/08/2009 15:32

(just seen this is quite an oldish thread)

Manchichi · 06/08/2009 00:48

i live in the US and tbh i love it when the baby shower invitation has info on the baby registry as then i don't have to think about what to get them. Call me lazy but i get invited to these things from people at work that i don't care about that much and i don't want to expend much time and energy picking something for them, Btw, people here only have them for first babies so most people want to just help the new parents out

electra · 06/08/2009 01:48

I agree, bacon - it is beyond crass. Just awful.....and in bad taste before the baby is born.

sjbj · 06/08/2009 13:40

Buckets, Bacon and Peachy - I have loved it when friends of mine have offered me there cast offs. Somehow it felt really special that they would give/loan me their special memories of their own babies. Does that make sense? So i agree whole heartedly with you when you say recycle!!
Scrappy - I am going to find a note book now and when friends come to visit I will ask them for their tips - fantastic idea!!

Present giving very tricky issue though - a list is handy so you don't get a twenty toasters or baby baths but it's the expecting a gift that is rude.

minxofmancunia · 06/08/2009 14:19

agree with those who say it's rude and crass. baby showers with gift lists are just tacky imo.

Know plenty of friends with babies and none of us have ever had them, call me snobby if you want but it would definitely be viewed as v tacky if someone did.

I know a girl in London who had one with a v specific gift list that several London friends wnet to and thought it was appallingly rude, she even sent reminder emails round about the gifts. I know for a fact they are hard up which is why she had the shower so she could get all the items, she even suggested a few people chip in for a bugaboo, glorified begging imo.

It's polite to wait until the baby's born and then be grateful for what you recieve, closefamily and friends may ask you what you want in advance so you can give them ideas which is fine.

Another horrible American custom that's made it's way over here along with trick or treating and proms ughh.

verytiredmummy · 11/08/2009 14:57

I love the idea of a recycling baby shower. How lovely - and what a great way for guests to shift all the baby junk you don't need any more!

As well as the slightly distasteful thing about a gift list, the biggest problem I have with baby showers is that during both my pregnancies I've been absolutely terrified something will go wrong. The thought of having all my friends celebrate the arrival of my baby, before it's actually safely here, makes me really nervous. I'd much rather they came round after s/he is born, to admire and coo.

clarasebal · 18/09/2013 19:32

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Naomilouise1992 · 19/09/2013 12:41

I know that the list is what they do in America! I was talking to my friend about this the other day wer not finding out the sex! And as cheeky as it sounds iv said either don't buy anything or cud I hve a 5 pound voucher for asda! If its a girl ill want pink and if its a boy ill want blue iv bought all the clothes wer buying that are white! If it's an asda voucher I can get some things when it's born it's reasonable priced there too cxx

Naomilouise1992 · 19/09/2013 12:43

My friends hve been asking what to buy but so iv just said an asda voucher or wait till its born xxx

katebakes · 19/09/2013 13:07

My husband is American and I have lived in the US. We chose to have a baby shower gift list as many of my close friends and family wanted to buy us gifts. I think it's a personal practical choice and didn't think it rude at all, especially as most people invited told me that if we didn't have a list they would give us money anyway. My great friend also had a shower list and expressed how much simpler it made everything.

Though I was born in London, my family is not English and without sounding snarky I have found that English people tend to be fairly tight. Especially where gift buying is concerned. By all means buy what you can afford - my list had items ranging from £10 to £200.

It also depends on the type of relationship you have with your friends etc, I'm extremley generous when buying gifts and so are my friends so it evens out as we all end up spending the same amount of money and no one gets something they don't need or want. It was especially helpful as many people bought us bigger gifts like the cotbed, nursing chair.

Having said that one of my favourite gifts was from my cousin who brought me teashed tea and prestat chocolate truffles. It was very thoughtful and much appreciated.

silverangel · 19/09/2013 13:36

"english people tend to be fairly tight" - erm, ok.

Yuk. We just had this - the mum to be had a M&P registry with a £200 highchair, an agelcare movemant mat, etc etc and not much below £50. I'm quite pleased that only about two people bought anything. I will buy a gift for the baby when it arrives.

Stom91 · 19/09/2013 13:44

My friend wanted to do me a baby shower and she said about giving everyone a wish list.

I felt so rude asking for gifts. Even assuming people would buy them!

Told her I didn't want a baby shower in the end as she was adamant about a wish list

If people want to buy something off their own back that's fine but to ask i think is very rude.

notsoold · 19/09/2013 14:08

It is a difficult one isn't it? Brazilians follow Anerica on this and I had a baby shower few weeks ago. This will be my third lo and maybe my last??? and I really felt like having a party....
So I invited my friends and following our customs ( and because I had everything I needed) I asked for nappies in different sizes. Iconly said that to the Brazilians that expect to be told what to buy...and it is not expensive but really will help us
I did not say anything to my English friends because I felt it is not the custom here. They gave me all sorts of different and lovely little things.
We had an amazing party :)

Well....I have enough nappies

notsoold · 19/09/2013 14:15

Sorry....
I have enough nappies for many months in diferent sizes as well :)

katebakes · 19/09/2013 14:21

I know people think it's rude to be seen as asking for gifts but it's practical if people have asked countless times what you'd like.

It's personal choice and the relationship you have with those invited. I was extremely lucky and grateful to have had a beautiful shower and received nearly everything on my list. I always reciprocate and see no problem with this.

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 19/09/2013 14:26

My friends threw me a surprise one. It was a lunch afternoon tea get together but they had bought me loads of presents! I didn't ask for anything but in hindsight I'm glad they were so thoughtful as my baby was early and without all of the presents I wouldn't have been that prepared! Also I don't have a partner so it's not applicable if I'm opening them by myself

katebakes · 19/09/2013 14:48

My husband is currently working abroad so I've been extremely lonely without him. My mother threw my shower and it was wonderful. The presents arrived last night and mum and I opened them together. I've been so nervous and anxious throughout my entire pregnancy that I didn't even want a baby shower but being surrounded by generations of women who gave me advice was lovely.

The gift list is a moot point for me, yes some think it's distasteful etc and others don't care. I found it practical and had no complaints from anyone. Off to waitrose now for pregnancy friendly food...don't even get me started.

qumquat · 19/09/2013 18:42

I hate all gift lists, wedding, baby shower, whatever; I know I'm in the minority on the wedding thing. With a baby I just think getting so much new is so wasteful, the only thing we've bought new is the car seat, the world is awash with barely used baby stuff!

I also hate the whole single sex thing of baby showers. If I have a party before bub arrives dp will be there as will all my male friends. And it won't be called a shower. Even without a list that says you assume you will be 'showered' with gifts.

Frecklesandspecs · 19/09/2013 18:50

I ve never had a baby shower ! :-( on my third now and he Will be getting everything second hand!
My mum and a couple of people Will get some bits but that is completely up to them what they get.
I would be grateful for anything.