Pregnant with third baby and struggling with possible gender disappointment

[MellowCyanSwan]

I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I have 2 beautiful boys already and kept the gender of both a surprise. It meant that I was the first to know after they were born and it was just wonderful.

we chose not to find out the gender initially because I was concerned about gender disappointment in my first pregnancy and I knew it would not matter to me when the baby was actually born.

This time I’m convinced I’m having another boy. Someone looked at my 13wk scan and said it looked like a boy. I just can’t believe how sad it has made me feel, which is ridiculous. I have always said I was destined to be a boy mum but clearly a part of me always hoped for a girl.

How do I get out of this ridiculous funk? I will love my baby whoever they are and it shouldn’t matter.

Tell that to all the lost baby girls in China and other parts of the world.

You don’t deserve the stick your getting from some people so firstly, you are valid in your feelings.
Secondly, 14 weeks I think is too early to find out, if you’re in the UK I think it was 16 weeks on a private scan maybe. So it’s still very 50/50 and could well be a girl. I thought I was having a boy- Everyone said to my scan pic “omg that’s a boy!” To the point MIL bought boys clothes. Come around to the 20 week scan, we find out she’s a girl.
I suppose if I were in your situation I would ask myself when the lesser disappointment would be, would it be finding out asap and having time to process it, or finding out at birth. I completely agree that when he or she is here, it won’t matter for a second anyway, but you’re still within your rights to feel different emotions around it. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope everything goes smoothly

I think you just have to ride it out.

i was only able to have one child and did want a larger family. But it is what it is, i know I’m incredibly lucky to have our one in a million (which is what it felt like). It took time, but I eventually thought less and less about what I didn’t have and accepted my situation. You will too. You know this, so be kind to yourself and it will pass.

Hi op it’s normal to feel this way some people just want at least one of each but that will fade I think it’s very important to think as long as it’s healthy but in your 20 week scan I think you should find out the gender so you get used to it don’t beat yourself up I’m sure there are plenty of women who wanted the opposite to what they got but you said you’re still going to love the child as it was planned so your not hurting anyone by hoping.

I have 3 adult sons
my third pregnancy was filled with ‘maybe’ and ‘please’ let me have a daughter

it was hard when I found out he was a boy
Then he was the most delightful baby and child and now all 3 of my adult sons are friends and are wonderful and funny and I adore it all
I grieved the mother daughter thing and I know my life is different to girl mums
but I no longer miss that or crave that or feel any loss about it
these 3 men that are my grown sons are just spectacular and their partners bring their own joy to us

my gender disappointment was marked and severe but none of it turned out to be bad
it was a blessing and this life I have I’d choose over again it’s delightful xx

we wonder why the world is such an awful place… it isn’t just politicians ruining it, it’s the tactless, thoughtless sort that feel the need to prioritise and vocalise their selfishness/entitlement and sometimes stupidity.

I actually just go on here when I need a reminder of what the world is actually filled with (and they continue to breed)
my heartfelt condolences to you

I am sorry for your loss. But what you went through doesn’t change what others are allowed to feel.

You purposely clicked on the title knowing what it was about to say what happened and you are “stepping away” just don’t click on the titles that you think will upset.

People are allowed to feel what they feel regardless of other people’s opinions.

I have 1 child. When I found out I was pregnant I knew I’d be upset if it was a boy. We paid for the private scan to find out at 16 weeks. I just knew I needed time to come to terms if it was a boy.

I was lucky and I did have a girl. But it’s ok to sad either way.

There’s been studies where if you have two sons you’re more likely to have another boy so it’s not 50/50. Lots of articles online.

It’s pretty ‘selfish, entitled and stupid’ to expect people to have no feelings about their family just because you’ve experienced tragedy. I think you need to reflect on your bitterness to those who ‘continue to breed’ and get some support in RL. It’s not healthy to carry around that poison.

I had 3 boys..handy really..the extra time adding brownies and dancing etc to scouts and football and rugby would have left me no time to myself at all 🤣 I really was just grateful all were healthy . a girl would not have been as easy a fit as another boy, I thought. Plus cheaper with passing on hardly worn clothes. Lots of advantages to all the same. Hope you have an easy birth, whatever comes ,

So many people commenting about baby loss and infertility. Leave the OP alone. This thread wasn’t for you, it isn’t about you and you didn’t need to comment. She is very entitled to feeling how she is. You’re allowed to want things and be disappointed. Respectfully leave her alone and discuss your issues in your own threads.

I never understand these threads. Surely when you choose to have a baby you know you're taking a gamble that it'll be a boy or a girl?

There are an estimated 142 million missing girls from the population because of the opposite. Women on here might be a little disappointed but they don’t terminate, neglect until death, and murder girls.

Your baby is exactly who they are meant to be :)

Feel the feeling to process it out of your system. You don't have to justify it to anyone why .. but be sad and mad and a grump... in my experience takes about 3 days and then you move on.

We were the opposite- 2 girls and thought the third would also be a girl. I think DH secretly wanted a boy, MIL definitely wanted a boy! And we got a boy! I can never understand the bias towards girls really on here! I guess we all just want the experience of both, if we had a choice, but 3 boys are a team! (My dad was one of 3, they were close for years, 1 brother sadly now dead, but still close with the other). Its ok to grieve the girl you never had, but to still enjoy the boy you get

Can you post a 12 week scan photo with personal details cropped out? I’d love to look at the nub if one is visible (I’ve got all of my friends correct, 12 babies!) including both of my own. X

A slightly different perspective… I only have two so can’t speak for how it feels with a larger family, but am so grateful they are both boys. Not so much because I wanted boys, as because they are both the same gender (I would have been delighted with any combo, but secretly hoped for two the same gender!). They want similar things for days out, holidays, they go to the same school, the same after-school clubs, do the same weekend sports. They look out for one another and hang out with each other’s friends. Oh and share clothes! Having had a low income at times and being two busy parents working full time, this makes life a lot easier to juggle. By contrast, a friend has two girls and a younger son. They cannot agree to do anything together, and the boy is always outvoted on choice of activities. The mum is a girly girl and really struggled to entertain him as a child, being used to bringing up girls. So OP, I hope it’s a girl if that’s what you want, but I wanted to point out that there are also positives to having them all the same gender! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and birth.

Whilst I get your feelings are valid, I do think you need to get a bit of perspective here. You will have had 3 babies, that’s amazing and congratulations! Just think how lucky you are and how great this is. The child’s gender really doesn’t matter. I’m pregnant with my second and it’s another boy. I never hoped for one or the other but I grew up with a sibling who was born with health complications and ultimately passed away when we were younger so my perspective is different and my anxieties are around whether the baby is healthy or not. Im not saying that to try and make you feel bad and maybe I would feel like you if I hadn’t had that experience. I just think you need to adjust your mind set and think about how blessed you are whether it’s a boy or girl. I hope all goes well and you don’t feel disappointed if it is another boy- you’re going to adore them anyway!

I have three boys too. I absolutely love having boys and they are all so different anyway. I do think personality difference is really more significant than sex difference in lots of ways. But I know what you mean -- I didn't regret at all that any of them were boys, but I did feel sadness knowing that I would never have a girl. (With both no. 2 and 3 because when I was pg with no. 2 I did not expect that we'd have a third.) I chose to find out mid-pregnancy to have time to come to terms with it which I think was the right choice for us. In any case I think your feelings are pretty normal. I'm one of five girls as it happens and genuinely never suspected for a second that either of my parents might have been hoping for a boy at any point. They did a good job because I'm pretty sure they must have had the odd moment of imagining it!

Hi OP, I had the same - had 2 boys but admittedly tried for a third as wanted a girl.
I was a little different as I didn't find out for my first 2 what the sex was but didn't want to experience any sadness on the 'birth' day so I did find out the sex the third time. Was so glad I did as I slowly grew really happy about the thought of having 3 boys and by the time the baby was born I was absolutely chuffed.
I think I only wanted a girl to experience what me and my Mum had. But then she was a lot younger when she had me and we grew up together really good friends. I was never going to have that if I'd had a girl as I was so much older. It will be lovely whatever you have so good luck and lots of happiness to you all💐

100% agree with this x

You will get all the please be grateful posts and yes obviously a baby of any gender is a huge gift but your feelings are also valid and don't feel guilty for having them, allow yourself to come to terms with them. You're not sad because you're having another boy, you're sad because you won't have a daughter

I think it can work any way round! I always saw myself with three boys- I couldn’t imagine myself as a mum to a girl, largely because of gender stereotypes (I don’t like ‘girly stuff’ like pink, glitter, nail polish, Disney Princesses etc). I’m outdoorsy and enjoy being physically active so I thought boys would suit me better.

So I wanted 3 boys ideally, but what I ended up with was two children- one girl and one boy. I wasn’t disappointed when the girl arrived, but I did struggle a bit with the pink/glitter/Disney phase she went through aged 3. But then DS also went through the Disney Princess phase at 3 😂

After toddlerhood, they developed their own preferences and interests. We all spent a lot of time outside. The kids built dens and climbed trees. But they also sometimes sat indoors looking at books and making things. Gender preference and disappointment is real, but the vast majority get through it fine.