Pregnant with third baby and struggling with possible gender disappointment

[MellowCyanSwan]

I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I have 2 beautiful boys already and kept the gender of both a surprise. It meant that I was the first to know after they were born and it was just wonderful.

we chose not to find out the gender initially because I was concerned about gender disappointment in my first pregnancy and I knew it would not matter to me when the baby was actually born.

This time I’m convinced I’m having another boy. Someone looked at my 13wk scan and said it looked like a boy. I just can’t believe how sad it has made me feel, which is ridiculous. I have always said I was destined to be a boy mum but clearly a part of me always hoped for a girl.

How do I get out of this ridiculous funk? I will love my baby whoever they are and it shouldn’t matter.

Have a read of the infertility board and everyone who is absolutely desperate to have a single child regardless of the gender and unfortunately may never get the chance to do so (or best case, may only get there by shelling out thousands of pounds!)

I can understand you. I definitely had gender disappointment when I found out I was having my third son but thankfully I had embraced it by the time he was born. They’re all adults now and I’m a Grandma - to two boys!

I don’t think my family is meant to have girls.

Miscarried few times after 2 babies, am very envious at your chance for a 3rd

I have four boys and didnt plan on having anymore but here I am excitedly waiting my 20 week scan tomorrow.
We did have an early gender scan which said girl! I was convinced it was going to be another boy!

I must admit though I am very nervous in case they say it's a boy tomorrow as I would love to have a little girl but as long as baby is healthy that's all that matters.

The bond between my three youngest boys is amazing though!

I've really enjoyed having three boys. I found it wonderful and great fun. They're adults now, love their old mum, and I have a close relationship with all of them. I was never bothered about having a girl though. I wanted at least one boy, was delighted to have a second one and genuinely didn't mind when the third one came along. I did find out the sex in advance with my third; I wanted to know so I could get used to whatever was on the way.

I would probably find out to prepare yourself because it is likely to be a boy and then you can give yourself time to get over it.

Please don’t assume how my journey to motherhood has been. You are making assumptions based on no information.

your opinion is a rather unsavoury one. You seem like a person. Have a day.

I think that is really unfair. I had 5 miscarriages on my journey to my two boys and and still understand where OP is coming from. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have my two boys. There was a time I never thought I would get any. That felt very real for us. I still had a bit of a twinge when I found out I would never have a girl. It’t doesn’t mean I love my precious children any less, or even that I felt anything other than elation to see happy baby show up on the scan but I come from a really fenale heavy family. We are all very close so it felt quite alien knowing there would never be a girl/woman in the house!

I have 4 girls. Although I did feel a bit of disappointment that I didn't get to experience a sonI also think its really special for the kids to be all one gender. People always comment on itthey are close and good friends. It will be OK. You'll look back if it is a boy and feel greatful that it was to have your little gang of boy--however, it's totally fine to feel a bit disappointed that you won't get to experience a daughter. Life can't be everything perfect all the time! If it was me I'd probably find out so I could stop stressing out and accept and welcome little one whatever the gender.

Boys. Knew it would be about boys.

What are you hoping for with a daughter though? Most people think it will either be a ‘mini me’, or it will replicate the relationship they have with their own mother. That’s a gamble.

I have both genders and would be least close to my DD. We love each other, but basically have nothing at all in common with interests or personalities. Out of all our kids DD is much more aligned to DH with personality and interests and they are closer than DD and myself, despite us both having vagina’s.

I go to rock concerts with some of my sons as we have the same taste in music, I tend to go to movies with another son as we like the same movies. I don’t go shopping with any of my kids (or DH)😁. I’m more inclined to go to restaurants with some kids, not others as we have more similar taste in food. So, DD and I chat if we are home at the same time, but it’s pretty general and we rarely do anything together. I have much more in common with some of my sons, whereas DH would say the opposite. So, wanting one gender over another always perplexes me.

I think part of the natural urge to have kids is often accompanied by a natural urge to have kids like you. Gender is just one aspect and I frequently hear about women wanting to have a girl.

I think this is perfectly normal and as normal as people wanting to have their own children rather than adopt or use donors: I think it’s how the majority of people who want to have kids feel and there’s no reason anyone needs to feel guilty about it.

As you’ll be happy whatever the gender, maybe it will help to find out the gender now so you don’t feel like it’s something hanging over you in the meantime that affects how you feel during pregnancy?

My opinion is honest (abrasive to some readers) and based on the information provided. You've had children and you want your next child to be a girl because all you've had so far is boys. Fair enough.

Flip the hymn sheet over:

I've spent years struggling with infertility to point that it's likely I've been robbed of any chance of having more than one child. I'm having my first, funnily enough a boy, any day now. I'm not fussed. I'm going to have a baby and that baby will be loved more than anything in this world.

I'd say your journey to motherhood has been remarkably straightforward compared to mine. You've probably had traumatic birth experiences which will certainly colour your opinion of how easy/hard your journey has been, which is fair enough and I do sympathise.

I apologise to anyone else who feels I've been unfair or unreasonable in my views @showmethegin

I'd like to have two children, ideally a boy and a girl. Am I going to get that? Who knows? Do I care that much after everything that's happened over the years? Not one jot. I'll get what I'm given, which will hopefully be a healthy bouncing baby and then hopefully I'll go on to have another.

You, too, have a day, random person that you seem.

Because it's MN. Mums, women and girls feature heavily here, not boys and men, unless it's about someone's DH behaving badly.

I don't get on well with my own DM. We have nothing in common. She's into hair and make up and I don't care about these things.

We don't meet up often. She spends most time with my brother.

Your opinion that you’d appreciate your baby more than OP will was unfair, sometimes you don’t need to seek out threads that you no will upset you, just to berate another mum. Your opinion might be honest but that doesn’t always mean sharing it is the right thing, or that you are correct. I’m sure OP will love and appreciate her kids every bit as much as you will love yours.

See I disagree on this, I think if you have a preference it’s better to find out sooner and get your head around it.

I am also pregnant with my third and have two boys already, I found out the gender with both of them but this is our last baby and we really really don’t mind either way so we’re going to wait until birth. It might be nice having a girl but we know what we’re doing with boys now, I love being a boy mum and they’re so affectionate and funny, and play really well together.

If I had the faintest preference I wouldn’t want to find out at such an emotional time when your hormones are everywhere and you’re trying to bond with your new baby.

Can you try to put your sadness onto the lack of a girl, rather than the sex of this particular baby? ie you are delighted to have this third baby boy, but, completely separately, you also feel sadness that you won't have a daughter.

Ignore the people saying "at least your baby is alive, you should be grateful" etc. I too have had a stillbirth, but I don't think that means other people aren't allowed to have natural feelings. There is little difference between girls and boys, but there is a big difference between men and women, and one day your child will be an adult. It's fine to want to 'experience' having a family with both varieties of human!

It’s not a hierachy of pain though @YorkshireGoldDrinker - the op is allowed her feelings. Gender disappointment is real - for whatever reasons - and the op shouldn’t be vilified just because she hasn’t appeared to suffer maternal crucifixion to a level of other people’s satisfaction.

I would probably feel the same. Most women want a girl but i’ve got two. Love them to pieces but let me tell you they are such hard work. I have a stepson full time and he is far less demanding and stressful than they are. The girls bicker and fight all the time. Going through the teen bit with my eldest girl and the moods are something else plus there’s extra worries with girls in terms of their safety in this world.

These threads always descend into:
”be grateful” and punching down on girls with the whole boys = easy and cuddly and girls = moody and bitchy stereotypes.

sigh 🙄

What was your intention in posting this reply? It was quite clear from the title what it was about, and yet you read it regardless, upset yourself and then attempted to make the OP feel guilty over her perfectly valid feelings.

I am sorry for your loss, truly I am. I experienced the SIDS death of my 9 month old baby and then had a miscarriage at 20 weeks, but I don't feel that entitled me to have a go at pregnant women asking for advice and support.

If you've not already done so, I suggest you seek some counselling for your grief and stay away from online content guaranteed to upset and outrage you.

I think you're ignoring the post on purpose, she clearly stated she will be happy whatever the gender, but a part of her obviously wants a girl. I'm sorry for your loss

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