Husband refuses to cut down drinking as we prepare to TTC – feeling frustrated

[MrsBLife]

We’re planning to start trying for our first baby in three months, and I’m starting to feel really frustrated about my husband’s attitude to alcohol.
He’s 40 and drinks around 2–3 times a week – nothing excessive, just a few pints each time. I don’t drink much at all, only occasionally at parties. Given we're preparing for TTC, I assumed he’d be willing to cut back too, just to be in the best possible shape.
He’s also put on a bit of weight recently, which I’ve gently mentioned. I thought cutting back on drinking might be a good first step for both of us. But he doesn’t seem to agree.
Last night we were out for dinner and he ordered a lager. I gently questioned whether he needed to drink, given we’ve talked about getting ready for a baby, and he just went ahead and ordered another. When I brought it up again, he said it made his evening with me more enjoyable. I found that really upsetting.
I’ve also come across multiple sources (NHS included) saying alcohol can affect sperm quality and fertility, so I think my concerns are valid.
I’m not trying to control him, but I thought we would both be making some changes to support this next step together, particularly given our ages (35 and 40).
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to cut back or at least take it more seriously?

I'd be fine with a few pints 2-3 times a week.
However, I would worry that he might not want to make other changes after baby arrives and you would be left doing more.
Is it just the drinking that bothers you or his whole attitude to having a baby?

You're being massively OTT and controlling.

He doesn't drink excessively. You aren't even trying yet. His weight is his business. All your 'gentle' messages and questioning about him doing perfectly normal things would drive anyone absolutely nuts. Most women are still having a few drinks until they're actually pregnant.

You're going to make both of you absolutely miserable with this approach to TTC.

Unless you hit any actual issues with ttc I think you’re being too serious about it, a few pints a few times a week is not a problem, I’d suggest you loosen up and have a glass of wine with him, you’ll probably conceive quicker if you relax into it and just have a good time.

Actually you are trying to control him. You mentioned his drinking twice at dinner. That’s controlling. You’re obviously not on the same page, but is it just this or other things?

Does he actually want a baby or is it all coming from you ?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s you that wants to TTC & you that wants a baby.

You’re being OTT here and all your “gentle” questions and suggestions would drive me up the wall I’m afraid.

Isn’t the bigger issue going to be when he wants to go out for a few beers a few times a week when you have a newborn?

I'm teetotal and would order a sodding drink if you tried to control me in that way. He's having a couple of pints a couple of times a week. You would piss me right off with your 'gentle' messages about what I was drinking and my weight.

People have conceived for centuries - and at a time when they drank ale rather than water.

you sound incredibly controlling, and you questioning would drive me mad.

Yeh I’d find your questions very annoying. And I’ve been through ivf and infertility. It is going to be incredibly tiresome going on like this when you haven’t even started trying yet. It’s very over the top.

If you had been trying to conceive for a while and were having to start exploring why you weren’t falling pregnant successfully I would understand the attitude but who’s to say you won’t come off of contraception and fall pregnant with no issues in the first few months?

Adding to the chorus of you're being ridiculous. You aren't even trying to conceive yet. He's having a few pints a few times a week, not drinking to excess. getting pregant shouldn't start with this level of concern. As a pp says, if you've been trying for a while and nothin gis working, then yes, you might need to look at other things. But three months before you even start trying, having a few drinks is not going to be an issue.

A couple of pints a few nights a week is fine.
This is too controlling.you need to change not him.

From a kind place...
I'm 6 yrs in and 2 kids on... I can tell you for free it all gets waaaaaay easier when you unclench and stop trying to control everything

Relax otherwise ttc right from the beginning is going to be an absolute headache for you both. I continued to have a few drinks a week until I was actually pregnant in both my pregnancies (currently 35 and pregnant).
You are being controlling, he’s not drink excessively it’s a few pints!

Look up FAS - Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Show him the medical etc. descriptions, photos - whatever you see that would look impactful.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is caused when a woman drinks during pregnancy, not the man.

You are doing too much too soon. 1 drink at dinner is fine. You haven’t encountered nay problems and trying to have this level of control over his actions that are not even remotely harmful will sour relations before you’ve even begun.

Wow Your are being unreasonable and controlling! I might understand if you'd been trying for a year without sucess, but you've not even started yet.

Blimey he’s not knocking back a bottle of brandy! A few pints!

You need to relax OP.

I spent 4 years trying to get pregnant … went to the gym, ate healthily, cut right down on the booze. Nothing.

We then decided that we probably weren’t going to become parents and I spent a summer on the lash … festivals, bbqs, weddings. Pissed every weekend.

At the end of that summer I discovered I was pregnant with twins 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t be ridiculous!

Start TTC anyway, just have more sex.

If booze turns out to be an issue, then look at it.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is caused directly by alcohol exposure to the fetus during pregnancy, specifically when the pregnant woman consumes alcohol.

A man’s alcohol intake before conception does not cause FAS… because he does not carry the fetus.

So how is it relevant to OP and her partner?

@MrsBLife you are not being unreasonable. My ex husband refused to stop drinking, he was even told it was affecting his sperm but he didn’t care.

You cant force him to stop drinking, does he even want kids? X

YABVU.