Husband refuses to cut down drinking as we prepare to TTC – feeling frustrated

[MrsBLife]

We’re planning to start trying for our first baby in three months, and I’m starting to feel really frustrated about my husband’s attitude to alcohol.
He’s 40 and drinks around 2–3 times a week – nothing excessive, just a few pints each time. I don’t drink much at all, only occasionally at parties. Given we're preparing for TTC, I assumed he’d be willing to cut back too, just to be in the best possible shape.
He’s also put on a bit of weight recently, which I’ve gently mentioned. I thought cutting back on drinking might be a good first step for both of us. But he doesn’t seem to agree.
Last night we were out for dinner and he ordered a lager. I gently questioned whether he needed to drink, given we’ve talked about getting ready for a baby, and he just went ahead and ordered another. When I brought it up again, he said it made his evening with me more enjoyable. I found that really upsetting.
I’ve also come across multiple sources (NHS included) saying alcohol can affect sperm quality and fertility, so I think my concerns are valid.
I’m not trying to control him, but I thought we would both be making some changes to support this next step together, particularly given our ages (35 and 40).
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to cut back or at least take it more seriously?

I would gently be dumping you because I can only imagine how bad you'd be post offspring

Ok, you're feeling frustrated. Vent on here. Hopefully DON'T vent to your DH.

You aren't ttc yet. So it doesn't matter if his sperms quality is affected! Yes, it's good to be in good shape, but frankly you are more important in this regard. The effect on men's sperms quality is VERY short term so even if he got totally plastered for a week his sperms would be fine a week later.

Generally I'm sure losing a bit of weight would be good for him. But unless it is actually affecting ttc (which it might not) then it really is only his business and you are basically nagging. Yep, I nag a bit about my DHs weight occasionally too. But I know I don't really have a leg to stand on other than i find him more attractive when he is slimmer. But you know what, in my late 30s after 4 kids I'm not as slim as I used to be.

It's really tough when you are waiting to ttc, especially if you can feel the clock ticking. But you're younger than many women who have no issue conceiving. My 4th I was older than you by a couple of years and we conceived her first cycle trying (which didn't happen with the others).

Vent away. You are wanting to crack on and do what you can to shorten the time till you are cuddling your baby. But your DH won't appreciate feeling hassled. If you pester him about this you are more likely to face resistance to what does often become scheduled sex, which many men are not keen on. Keep it cool towards him.

Foetal Alcohol Syndrome can absolutely be caused by men's drinking.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts @anytipswelcome @FrenchandSaunders

https://jheor.org/post/2235-new-research-points-to-dad-s-drinking-as-a-significant-factor-in-fetal-alcohol-syndrome

😂
Unless HE is going to be gestating the pregnancy I don't think this is a risk ...🙄

You're going to have to relax a bit more than this if you're going to get through pregnancy, birth and parenthood without losing your mind.
Stop trying to control him, save your battles for something real.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240801-fetal-alcohol-syndrome-the-overlooked-risk-of-fathers-who-drink

The small sample study of mice is not in any way definitive, peer reviewed proof that should lead to you saying “FAS can absolutely be caused by men’s drinking”.

You could perhaps say accurately that “some researchers keen to explore the effect of paternal alcohol consumption pre conception have run limited tests on mice that lead them to believe it may be a cause of FAS like symptoms in humans”.

Stating it as fact in the way you have is misleading and doesn’t reflect the actual research.

If he can’t stop drinking he has a problem. A functioning alcoholic isn’t someone I’d choose to be a parent!

@ACatNamedRobin

I don’t think anyone is denying that increased paternal alcohol consumption may increase risk of negative outcomes for a baby. I believe it does. But saying it definitely causes the specific outcome of FAS is not correct.

@anytipswelcome ok but then why does the BBC say "Why fathers need to watch what they drink too" ? (See my post above)

YABU sorry! His drinking isn’t excessive and you’re not even TTC yet! Maybe wait and see how it goes, giving up alcohol is the sort of thing you do when you’ve been TTC and unsuccessful for a few months.

You sound neurotic and very controlling.

It takes 3 months for sperm to mature so now is a perfect time for him to stop drinking and improve his lifestyle. He’s no spring chicken in the fertility department.

Book both of you in for initial fertility testing. If he has poor quality sperm the sooner you know the better. Seeing the cold hard facts is a good motivator for making changes.

I don't think I would get through ttc 100% sober :D

@MrsBLife - how many pints do you consider to be 'a few'? That matters, I think, before I give a reply. A big difference between 2 or 3 - or 10!

All the “ gently” stuff has already wound me up! Let him be. You can’t control what he drinks. If it’s going to happen, it will happen.

Have you read the whole article?

It discusses that researchers are looking into the links between paternal alcohol consumption and birth outcomes, talks through the research and uses ‘might’, ‘could’, ‘potential’, ‘possibility’ etc.

It summarises:

“It's worth noting, of course, that humans aren't mice. Mouse models can, and often do, provide us with some ideas of what might be happening in terms of human processes, but they don't mean this is definitely what's happening. Much more research is needed before we can determine the contributions of a father's alcohol consumption in humans with any certainty.”

As I said previously, excessive paternal alcohol consumption likely does have poorer health outcomes for a child. You stated confidently that a father drinking pre conception absolutely can cause FAS. Even researchers can’t say that. They can theorise it and say that tests on mice support their theory, but it has not been proven in humans.

I’m not especially pro drink and I think many people drink far too much, so I’m not saying any of this from a defensive point of view. I just don’t think it’s responsible to make a medical claim that isn’t true.

I drank a few drinks, a couple of days per week while TTC. If my husband had ‘gently questioned’ whether I needed a glass of wine with my meal it would have really pissed me off. You haven’t started trying yet. My plan was to relax and keep everything the same as usual (except taking folic acid) for the first few months after I came off birth control, and then if we were still unsuccessful after that to start any lifestyle advice then. If he were drinking regularly and excessively then I would have more of a problem (but I’d have an issue with that outside of TTC). Other than when I was 35 weeks pregnant when he stopped drinking in case we needed to go to the hospital quickly, I didn’t ask or want him to change his drinking habits. I also have a drink every so often while breastfeeding too.

@ACatNamedRobin my apologies. I didn't realise the OP was a mouse.

YABVU.

I really don't think he's drinking an unreasonable amount. On the weight front, maybe stop mentioning it and just start eating healthier meals and go for a few walks in the evenings together or do as my friends did in the same position and took up squash or something?

As others have said, you sound a bit controlling. FWI, babies are their own beings and you might be in for a bit of a shock.

I'm an epidemiologist, the poster above was correct neither of those articles support the statement that father's drinking causes FAS. They are both from one research team who are in the early stages of investigating a hypothesis. The second article explains that they have found some correlation between fathers drinking and FAS in a dataset, however they admit themselves that they have no proof that it is casual. Alcohol consumption is difficult to gain reliable information on because it is self reported. I would expect that fathers who were heavy drinkers were more likely to have partners who were also heavy drinkers and may have drank during pregnancy, but not be honest when asked about it. They have also done a study using mice, which is a standard part of this kind of research, but a long way from being able to extrapolate the findings to humans.

Unfortunately the media do like to give research findings sensationalist headlines as that's what gets people to read them.

This is absurd advice.

I’d say if you are still trying to conceive in 9 months start to look at life style changes /fertile days etc. For now just relax and enjoy it.
i wouldn’t want someone telling me if I could have a drink or not.
One slight concern is will he be willing to change his lifestyle style for the baby? Are you definitely on the same page?

You sound incredibly controlling - if I were him I'd run a mile.