Husband refuses to cut down drinking as we prepare to TTC – feeling frustrated

[MrsBLife]

We’re planning to start trying for our first baby in three months, and I’m starting to feel really frustrated about my husband’s attitude to alcohol.
He’s 40 and drinks around 2–3 times a week – nothing excessive, just a few pints each time. I don’t drink much at all, only occasionally at parties. Given we're preparing for TTC, I assumed he’d be willing to cut back too, just to be in the best possible shape.
He’s also put on a bit of weight recently, which I’ve gently mentioned. I thought cutting back on drinking might be a good first step for both of us. But he doesn’t seem to agree.
Last night we were out for dinner and he ordered a lager. I gently questioned whether he needed to drink, given we’ve talked about getting ready for a baby, and he just went ahead and ordered another. When I brought it up again, he said it made his evening with me more enjoyable. I found that really upsetting.
I’ve also come across multiple sources (NHS included) saying alcohol can affect sperm quality and fertility, so I think my concerns are valid.
I’m not trying to control him, but I thought we would both be making some changes to support this next step together, particularly given our ages (35 and 40).
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to cut back or at least take it more seriously?

I don't know how everyone is missing this bit in your post:

"he said it made his evening with me more enjoyable"

I think it would be unwise to have a baby with this man. He's disrespectful and rude to you, and he doesn't give a shit about his health when you are about to TTC. He clearly prioritises alcohol over having a baby. He probably doesn't even want a baby.

There are better men out there, this isn't the guy to have a baby with.

You would be unreasonable to stay with him and bring a baby into this relationship.

Men's health and sperm quality does have an impact on the woman's likelihood of getting morning sickness, gestational diabetes and pre eclampsia (can be fatal for women).

Personally if I was a man I'd do everything I could to help the woman who's going to carry my child and go through childbirth for me have an easy, healthy and safe pregnancy. I think stopping drinking (for a very short period of time while TTC vs the woman who won't be drinking for the pregnancy or breastfeeding) and eating healthily is a very small sacrifice to make.

She's not said he can't stop drinking; she's decided he should stop and he disagrees. By your logic, anyone who drinks and didn't like taking directives from other people about their alcohol intake would be a 'functioning alcoholic'?

ETA - was supposed to quote @Nearly50omg

Not clear exactly how much he is drinking but if he is having 3 pints of average strength lager 3 times a week that’s a lot more than 14 units a week the NHS recommend people to stick to a max of. I would feel concerned too.

What? Is he gestating the baby?

Yes you are being controlling. Do you tend to run anxious or is it perhaps that you have niggling doubts about this man's commitment to parenthood and therefore trying to test the waters?

If it's the latter, nothing good will come of having a child with him and hoping he'll be full-on.

Impossible from the outside to say which it is.

But no, teetotaling for a not yet conceived child is totally over the top, sorry.

Whenever anyone says they “gently” raised something I form the view that they are a gimlet eyed control freak. This post has done nothing to dissuade me of that view.

No, that’s not how it works 😂 that would be the first baby in history with FAS because the man drank a beer before TTC

I agree, she shouldn't have a baby with him. For his sake, as much as her own.

Quite. The correlation and confounding variables are strong in this one.

You need to drop this now.

If the guy is supposed to take the FAS research seriously, I also expect the OP to move to the country side to have purer air. We all know the impact of air pollution even before birth.

Not to mention, imagine how common it would be if babies developed it if their Father drank whilst TTC 😂

I think there are several things at play that are relevant - but not in the way OP expects.

• Having to drink alcohol to enjoy spending an evening with one’s partner suggests a relationship that is not strong or stable enough to bring a child into.
• Responding pettishly to a request for a change suggests a partner who is utterly unprepared for the changes that a child will bring, and who will therefore leave all the responsibility of the child to the OP.
• A relationship of ‘gentle hints’ rather than ‘mutual equal conversation’ is, as above, potentially not the right environment for a child.
• A level of health anxiety / paranoia is not a good place for a potential mother to start from.

I would knock any plans for ttc on the head, however loudly the clock is ticking, and work on your relationship (and whether it is the right one for you to have children in) instead.

Please don't throw around the word "alcoholic". This man sounds very far from an alcoholic and for those of us who have lived with real addicts, the misuse of the word is frustrating.

It is documented now, how the father drinking affects the quality of the sperm.
Both parents trying for a baby should avoid alcohol before conceiving.
Seems like a small price to pay for facilitating conception of a healthy baby

this.

Leave him alone and lighten up its a couple of beers

YABVU _ and very controlling. Please stop.

Your being ridiculous and controlling, a few pints isn’t going to make a difference

You sound like a nightmare - your poor husband!

OP you guys sound like us! We were 35 and 40 when we had DD. DP also likes a pint or two a few times a week.

TTC (and becoming a parent) can make you go a bit crazy with perfectionism. If you’re both generally healthy, don’t worry or stress. (If you think you do need to lose weight or be more healthy generally, then do it!)

FWIW we conceived in dry January after a very sociable December that included regular drinking.

Your "gentle mentioning" could be passive aggressive.
Why do you feel the need to gentle mention anything? Are you scared of his reaction? Will he blow up at you?

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here as other pp have said you're being controlling, but there might be a reason why you feel you need to be passive aggressive and can't communicate more directly with him.

Op cutting down on alcohol/ losing weight, while great for health seems ott trying to conceive

You sound a bit ott considering you aren't having any issues you know of.

If you are worried you can do a blood test through something like hertility for you and a private sperm analysis for him? Probably a few hundred quid but might give you piece of mind.