How to coparent with someone who dumped you whilst pregnant and you still love them?

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Dumped at 6 months pregnant (first baby - little boy). I still love my ex boyfriend of over 4 years and I fear I will never be able to move on. His actions during my pregnancy have been awful but I constantly think about him. I know time heals and my hormones are crazy but I really thought we would be together forever. I’m not sure I can coparent with this man but I know I have to push through it.

I do believe what’s happened and I have accepted that, the only reason I asked him to move out so I could move in for 1 month was so the health visitor and midwife could visit after birth. I’ve been told I will need a c section so I cannot drive or go to the shops etc. I’m now a consultant as a high risk pregnancy so he could be here any day. My mums house is out of the district so that would involve me changing hospitals and my midwife with less than 6 weeks to go. He said no anyways without a care in the world and I told him I was doing it for our son. I said do you have any idea of the emotional impact it would have on me to move back in, I wasn’t stupid because I was looking at places to rent in the area until the end of the year. Unfortunately none so last minute or short tenancy that is ready. So I’ll stay at the same hospital and pickup with the midwife / health visitor after my son has been born. As much as I would love for him to come crawling back to me asking for forgiveness he did not care about the emotional distress or upheaval he has caused.

He doesn’t have your back, he is not going to be there for you, your mum is though, you will be living with her till you get your house. Look forwards and stop looking back, concentrate on what you can control, you will have a baby soon and will need to put all your energy into him. Think of how you will do your house up, when you get it. His mum and sister did not make him break up with you, he spoke to them because he wanted out of the relationship but you seem to be gunning for them. He decided he wasn’t happy with you and chucked you out - HE did it.

Yes i know that so thank you for your advice.

The issue about his mum and sister well there’s a lot more to it. I asked him to ask his parents to pay for the nursery as we had ordered it but weeks went by and he never asked. His mum was shocked at the price and rang his sister crying (at this time she had a drink it was about 7pm). Turns out his mum said to his sister that my ex didn’t look happy. His sister then rang him saying can you go over to mums house and speak to her (it was around 8:30pm) by then. When he answered the phone to his sister she said (is she there with you)… I heard it all. He didn’t come back until nearly 10pm and didn’t even speak to me until he broke up with me two days later. Between then and that day he was messaging his family for ‘confirmation’ before ending the relationship.

I know all of this doesn’t matter now and the only person I need to care and think about is my little boy. Sometimes it’s just nice to rant to strangers when times are hard.

Did his mum offer to pay for the nursery beforehand? Then back out?
Your ex wasn’t happy with the pregnancy, his life changing, before his sister rang him @Pregnantandlookingforadvice. He was looking for an excuse to back out.
He used it as an excuse to make you look bad, so he could walk away claiming you were unreasonable. He and his family find it easy to make promises but never follow through with them.
If you look at his dad, his continuing to drink alcohol even his liver is shot, he is choosing alcohol over his health because cutting down, stopping and hopefully getting a transplant seems harder to him than dying. So he goes for the easiest option. His son chose to walk away from you and baby (although he’s promising to co parent) than have the baby with you. He made promises he knew he wouldn’t keep and chose the easiest option, which is seeing his son every now and then, being free to please himself most of the time.
Your son will grow up and learn not to trust any promises his dad makes because if dad gets a better offer, he will let him down. That is if dad bothers at all, after all babies and kids are hard work and your ex, only works at pleasing himself.

Your ex was brought up in an alcoholic home, his parents chose alcohol over him and sister. They might not drink to excess themselves but they have the alcoholics outlook, any problems, ignore, walk away and discard. Whether he becomes an alcoholic himself, later in life, is irrelevant to you, but the way he discards anyone and anything that causes him discomfort or stress, is. That is him in a nutshell, that is why he discarded you when you were pregnant and likely to do to his son.

His parent paid half for the nursery and so did his nanna which has been paid. I made sure I got that before he chucked me out as I paid for the nursery upfront. At first we were both shocked about the pregnancy but neither of us prevented it from happening. He got happier as the weeks went on starting looking at matching trainers for him and his son etc and then the call from his sister changed everything. It’s not like I never asked him how he felt he just didn’t communicate and then told me lies to keep me happy. You are right though, he made promises he wouldn’t keep and took the easiest option which was to get rid.

What you are experiencing is the fear of being alone, bringing up your son alone.
You need to reach out to friends, meet up with them. Once baby is born, you will start to go to mum and baby groups, you will find many women, bringing up their babies alone, even if they are with partners. You will start to appreciate the fact that you don’t have anyone else to cook and clean after. That your mum, even though she was busy moving, still came through for you. You will realise that being a single parent is far easier than having a flakey partner who makes you feel lonely.

Having trainers is sweet but is meaningless in comparison to having to put real effort in bringing a child into the world. He would be too busy gaming whilst baby cried, moaning about sleepless nights and he wouldn’t help at all, once the novelty wears off. He would resent every minute and feel hard done by. He found having a pregnant gf and the imminent birth too hard to handle, let alone a baby! He will act like a besotted father, once son is born but it will soon wear off and he will run from any responsibility or hard work and just appear for the fun bits, like taking pics of matching trainers etc. He will pop in but as soon as baby cries, he will start backing towards the door, with an excuse why he has to rush off.

Yes I have told him that previously, he’s either all in or all out of his life. A few hours a week is baby sitting not parenting. Last time I seen him he said he was getting a cot / nest to me crib but not like he would sleep over for the first 6months anyways. Suppose we just have to see how it plays out but he won’t be at the birth, my son will have my last name and I don’t think I’ll add him on the birth certificate just because he expects it.