How to coparent with someone who dumped you whilst pregnant and you still love them?

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Dumped at 6 months pregnant (first baby - little boy). I still love my ex boyfriend of over 4 years and I fear I will never be able to move on. His actions during my pregnancy have been awful but I constantly think about him. I know time heals and my hormones are crazy but I really thought we would be together forever. I’m not sure I can coparent with this man but I know I have to push through it.

I think you need to take all emotion out of it. It's going to be difficult for you. Communicate with him just over email and only about your DC. Make it neutral in tone and never discuss anything about your relationship.

Don't hold out any hope for a reconciliation. Treat him as though he were your child's dentist and you were having a conversation about your child requiring a filling. (If that makes any sense).

Thank you, would you allow him at the birth if he dumped me 8 weeks ago (currently 34 weeks pregnant). I’m so undecided because I love him still but he has not considered my feelings at all

No, definitely not. It's really important that you feel absolutely safe and secure and are not thinking about anything other than giving birth

I agree absolutely with this. You need support - not to be anxious. Also, in the nicest possible way you are not going to be looking glamorous, or sexy or anything other than at your most incredibly vulnerable.

The LAST person in the world you want to see you at this point is a dickhead you still nurture feelings for. It will make you feel even more shit.

At the risk of sounding unpopular I wouldn't be encouraging him. He's already shown himself to be very unsupportive of you.

I wouldn't encourage contact. Stand and watch and see what he does. Maybe he won't step up. If you have a newborn, particularly one who is exclusively breastfed, it will be almost impossible for him to have contact with the child for any length of time. The baby won't be able to be away from you.
The possibility exists he won't want to be left alone with a very young baby.All weekend or overnight anyway.

And as for the basics, the baby gets your surname and don't put him on the birth certificate so he hasn't got parental responsibility. He can apply for that if he wants it.

I'm sorry, worry about yourself and your baby and stuff this selfish man. Put yourself first.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm guessing that if you were honest with yourself, this man hasn't treated you properly throughout this relationship? You deserve better; there's love out there for you that's deserving of you when the time is right, but for now, you need to put yourself and your baby first. Do not facilitate this man in anything, it's no longer about you two but about you and your baby. He can forge his own relationship with the baby in time. I also agree with a pp, don't give the baby his surname and I wouldn't have him at the birth (and no he doesn't have the right to be there). You can do this, I wish you the best.

I was in your situation, I just took emotion out of it although even though he broke up with me he didn’t treat me badly. He remained supportive and involved, I found it easier to just treat him as friend.
Once I had our son I was too focused on him and before I knew it I was over my ex and co parenting has been a breeze.

It depends how comfortable you feel with him whether you want him at the birth, if you feel he won’t be the support you need then don’t have him in the room.
Personally I don’t agree with not putting him on the birth certificate just because you aren’t together, he is your sons father.

It doesn’t feel like it now but it does get better and you can do this, soon you will be holding your whole world in your arms and he is all that matters.

No but I'd let him meet his baby as soon as possible.

What about his parents
Let them support you and your son, and if he dosent like that tough.

Thank you all, it’s definitely my emotions acting up. Most days I just feel anger, hurt and upset. I will not allow him at the birth and my son will have my last name. The birth certificate I am hesitant on but again he can’t just expect it without doing anything to earn his name on it. This man has humiliated me, 6 months pregnant and dumped. Same night he asked me to pack a bag around 8:30pm and told me to call my mum to pick me up. It was his house, his car (we planned on buying a family car after the birth). He started packing mine and my little boys belongings up that same night. Told himself and me it was for the best but that left me homeless (moved into my mums house), no bed for nearly two weeks, had to hire a storage unit due to space, had to buy my own car, look at getting a house (won’t be ready until the end of the year due to mortgage etc). Tells me his son is his priority and wants to be involved but look what he’s done to me. The baby wasn’t planned but he also did not prevent this. I’m disgusted at him and I know I can never trust him again. His family think his actions are acceptable and he will be 31 next month. Neither of us come from bad families so I cannot understand how he could do such a thing. He told me the relationship wasn’t working for a while, he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me anymore. I tried to text him he told me ‘not to reply’ or ‘he wasn’t responding anymore’. So he will not be coming to anymore hospital appointments.

And on top of this he said he fell out of love with me end of February / beginning of March when we started telling family and friends about the baby. That same time he was messaging a married female co worker on Snapchat. I found out myself he confessed but didn’t consider my feelings. Sorry all this is definitely more of a rant and letting of steam!

Ok, so in telling you not to text anymore , he has effectively cut off contact with you.

How is that going to work with co parenting, your son when he's due in six weeks?

Give him what he wants. He's asked you to stop contacting him.So don't contact him. Honestly, just what he does, and I guarantee.He won't step up for your son. Don't put him on the birth certificate. It doesn't mean the birth can't be re. Gistered later and him added as a natural father. So it's not completely a one shot deal if he does step up. But for now just don't do it. Leave him off the certificate.

Exactly and then he will reach out like he did two weeks ago asking how his son is to cover his tracks. That was the first time he asked over text since I told him he never asked about him. I just want to know it’s not me, I’m not going crazy that his actions are ok for a grown ass man

Honestly just get front row tickets for how badly he's going to behave. Stand and watch it.

You had to tell him to ask how the baby was or how the pregnancy was going. That just about says it all.

The title of your post shouldn't say how do I co parent with him
What you should be asking is, what do I do to look after myself and my baby. Don't even consider him. The likelihood is he probably won't step up.

If he cared about the baby he would be supporting you now. He might not want to be in a relationship with you but you are basically growing his baby which to me makes sense to say he should be caring for you.

do as he says, no contact, do you have family? A mum who can be your birthing partner and somewhere with support for the first few weeks after ?

look after yourself and your baby nothing else at this stage matters.

as for the birth certificate, I believe that putting his name on gives him rights, so I would advice not to put him on. But how that effects maintenance payments I don’t know I’m sure others here will be able to advice you on that .

Well exactly, he didn’t give me any notice to move out. He didn’t even want to try and work on our relationship it was just a simple I want you to leave tonight. Yes my mum will be my birthing partner and I will be staying with her until my house is ready. I can still claim child maintenance if he is not on the birth certificate but I have to be careful. I’m still registered at his address and if he removes me this will affect my mortgage application. I just cannot understand how he cannot want the relationship we had for over 4+ years and we were happy. We had so many good times and then it’s like his family got involved and a switch flipped in him. But I guess I’m grieving the man I thought he was not who he is.

Don’t have him at the birth.
Dont have him on the birth certificate.
Do arrange a loved family member or friend to be with you at the birth.
Do claim child maintenance.
Don’t chase him to have a relationship with the child but do allow it if he makes the effort.

I definitely wouldn’t have him at the birth it’s the most vulnerable time a human being can ever feel. I’d have him outside but during birth you need positivity and support irrespective of him being the father. I also wouldn’t let the baby have his surname and as a compromise double barrel at most.

Slightly off tangent but why are your using his address as yours to apply for the mortgage? If you have to wait until next year for everything to pan out for the house, that's a lot of time for things to go wrong and him dump you in it with the mortgage company ? If he knows what you are doing, he has something over you and you are already vulnerable so why risk it. I would suggest you simply amend the address on the application if you possible can

Thanks, I wouldn’t let my son have his surname. My ex knows our son’s nursery is currently in storage because of his actions but he does not care. I stupidly think that if I allow him at the birth he will want to rekindle but reality is I love this man but I do not trust him. He has done the worst thing to me whilst I am most vulnerable.

So my house will be ready between October - December this year. But I am currently living with my mum, who is also moving house the week before I am due to give birth. I spoke to my mortgage advisor and it won’t look good if I move houses that close to completion

Dont allow him at the birth. He's made his decision. Make him live with it. Make him live without you both. Make him live without that experience and without daily access to his child.

His parents haven’t supported me at all. He told his mam he wasn’t happy and his family instigated our breakup. He’s always been a mummy’s boy and none of his family has asked or support me since the breakup. I do not trust them and his dad is a raging alcoholic who carries on drinking despite needing a liver transplant. His mum drinks a lot also so I wouldn’t trust my son alone in their care as I would be on edge.

I agree, during my first and second trimester with morning sickness he sat and played on his games all night. It’s like he’s a man child and doesn’t want responsibility but acts like he’s perfect in front of his family. I’m hoping him having a son will make him step up but there’s no guarantees. My little boy needs me and I will always be there for him no matter. I’m just ashamed I can’t give him the happy family with both parents that I dreamed of

I agree with this. Your address won’t matter on a mortgage application at worse a lender will simply ask about the circumstances for the change it doesn’t affect your ability to borrow you don’t even have to tell a lender you’re pregnant or have a dependent there’s no way they would know this information so long as you’re confident and comfortable with affordability. Moving house with a baby may be best to wait anyway if you physically can the enormity of moving is stressful enough as it is without your situation. I do firmly believe, and you may not see it at the moment, but everything really does happen for a reason. What is meant for you in life will never pass you by x