How to coparent with someone who dumped you whilst pregnant and you still love them?

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Dumped at 6 months pregnant (first baby - little boy). I still love my ex boyfriend of over 4 years and I fear I will never be able to move on. His actions during my pregnancy have been awful but I constantly think about him. I know time heals and my hormones are crazy but I really thought we would be together forever. I’m not sure I can coparent with this man but I know I have to push through it.

I’ve wrote down everything already so I don’t forget. His family will never look after my son but if they ask is there anything legally I can do? Other than say I don’t feel safe to leave my son around them alone. There will certainly be no olive branches from me, that is a fact.

Forget about him for now. You’re heavily pregnant and the top priority is looking after yourself and your baby, making sure you’re well mentally and physically. Do you have a support system- family/friends?

Yes, I have my mum who has been amazing and a few close friends but they also have other priorities but I can always talk to them

UPDATE BELOW!

Yesterday I had a midwife appointment and referred for an emergency scan due to excess fluid. Turns out baby is on the bigger side so I am not consultant lead. I am also having to check my bloody sugars before every meal for a week. I decided to invite my ex and I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. Quick run down, due to it being an emergency appointment it was at a different hospital so he drove. When we got there he acted like this ‘perfect dad’. Only for me to be told I will need a C section due to babies size and risk of extra fluid. On the way to the hospital he was going on about getting a crib and next to me etc like he will be looking after the baby for the first 6 month. I didnt say anything because i want to breastfeed for as long as possible and not give him that satisfaction of seeing his son grow up without regretting his actions. Might be petty but he has hurt me so much during my pregnancy. Anyways because I will be having surgery and I moved back to my mams etc the home visits / midwife visits will be in a different district. Stupid me asked if I could live in his house / he moves out so I don’t have to worry about moving baby whilst I recover. He very bluntly said no and I got upset but luckily this was over text sent so I had a poker face with him in person. Anyways we started talking about our son and he apologised for his actions of chucking me out with no notice and could have handled it better but he is going to be there for his son. I love that he will be there for his son but obviously I am heartbroken. I asked him ‘did I really make him unhappy’ he said ‘I think towards the end we made each other unhappy’. Now that’s not true he just didn’t communicate for our the effort into our relationship. I told him i made myself very clear and I find it unfair for him to say this if I was sick / tired for 4 months straight whilst he played
his game every night. It’s like he just gave up and although I’m very sad, I’m just mad he couldn’t try. It’s not just about us we have a little boy on the way in a matter of weeks and he disposed of me like trash. I know I’m stupid in reaching out to him but I feel a little bit better.

Why you did he take you to the hospital
You asked him to right?

Yes I asked him to because I didn’t know how to get there and luckily I had to leave him to park otherwise I would have been 25minutes late. My appointment was during visiting hours.

Just let him go, OP. You are trying to cling to him, hoping desperately that the relationship can be resurrected, but it can't. He doesn't want you any more. He tried to let you down gently by saying 'you made each other unhappy', but you aren't listening.

He does not want to be with you. If you keep pushing you'll drive him further away. He's prepared (currently) to co-parent and that's all.

I know you’re right and it’s probably my emotional side. I can’t help but think my little boy will be here in a matter of weeks and he wants to go to the hospital appointments. Do you think this is a good idea? Now I’m consultant lead its slightly different. I still can’t understand how anyone could say or do what he has done during pregnancy.

Taxi? User.

You're not going to listen and i bet you put him on the birth certificate and give his name.

You won't get him back by doing this.

No, it's not a good idea for him to come to appointments with you. It will encourage you to depend on him for emotional support. And you can't.

Go with a friend, your Mum or alone. You will be parenting separately and alone - even if you co-parent. Only one of you will have the baby at a time. Stop trying to do cosy joint things with him.

You still have feelings and he doesn't. You are only making things harder for yourself.

My son will not have his last name, birth certificate can be added later if he steps up.

No you shouldn't allow him at the birth. You need to tell yourself that to do what he did means he is a nasty selfish mean low down rat. End of.

Honest - thank you and I do know you are right. Like you said I have feelings and he doesn’t.

I think the messages from your ex has given you some closure, it still hurts but he’s being honest that it’s over for him.
Letting him come to ante natal appointments and the birth will give you a false sense of being able to rely on him, so I’d not let him. You are the pregnant one and you need to put yourself first and he can be informed afterwards. Don’t do anything that hurts you more, you dictate how long he comes over to see baby and when you want him gone so you can rest, if he’s still interested when baby gets older then he will get his own hours to spend with him. Right now, your trying to come to terms with the breakup and once you give birth, you will be so busy, I doubt you’ll have the time to still miss him.

I think you need some serious counselling help to find out the why.
Why would you still have feelings for someone who treats you so poorly? What is it that you think love is? Because it isn’t this.

if you had a completely healthy sense of self worth and mindset, when he treated you badly, you would have thought, no thanks, not good enough for me, and never thought about him again.

often a childhood where you’re scrapping around for a parents love, renders an adult mindset where you actively seek out shit partners.

I know you’re right, truth is I still love him even though I shouldn’t. I look at the situation I’ve been left in and he’s the one who can barely respond.

My own dad walked out on us as a child due to alcohol and gambling issues so deep down I know I was just trying to make us a whole family. Something I explained to him I always wanted from the ghetto - nearly 5 years ago.

I’m upset and rightly so but I need to think about my son and myself but it’s not like I can block him and get rid forever. I have however blocked his family since they instigated this I believe. It’s just a horrible situation with all of my hormones / emotions and a baby due any day now. I can’t hold onto hope for a reconciliation and when I think about it, I can’t trust someone who could do this to me.

My biggest fear is being alone and coping. I know I have my mum helping me but sometimes adult company on a night is lovely. I fear I’ll never find anyone and I know it’s jumping ahead of time.

During the birth and right after, you need unconditional support from someone you trust. That is not your ex, even if he is the father of the baby.

once you feel more settled and are home, you can offer him set times he can come see the baby.

In that case, I would say you don’t love him at all, I’d say you don’t know what love looks like. I think, and I’m no counsellor, they’d tell you that the child you thinks your father leaving was your fault, and thus you actively seek out men who will treat you the same way your father did, and you think if you’re just better this time, they’ll stay. I think. You conflate this feeling with ‘love’ which it isn’t.

I understand what you’re saying but he wasn’t like this at all for 4 years at least. He’s cold and distant now. He went from showering me with affection to nothing.

You said neither of your families are ‘bad families’. But what you describe here is pretty awful. What is a bad family in your mind?

You chose a guy like your dad and your frightened of being a single parent, you can still feel alone in a relationship, in fact he ignored you for months while you were first pregnant. Being a single parent enables you to concentrate on you and your son and not being distracted by a man who emulates his alcoholic parents behaviour. Do you want your son to be hurt when his dad leaves? That’s what you are wishing for! You want him to come back so he walks away from not only you but a child in the future.
I agree that you need therapy because you have a skewed view of love and wanting what’s best for your unborn child. How can you wish for your baby to be heartbroken as you were as a child? That is what your ex would do if he came back!

Well both his mam and dad are functioning alcoholics, they own a car parts business, villa in Spain and have plenty of spare cash. I guess a bad family to me is one who would shout, take drugs, not work etc. I know it’s awful and it really is terrible what he’s done to me. I’m not trying to play a victim, I tried to make things work because I still love him and he promised me marriage, a bigger house etc and then in the end he kicked me out like trash whilst 6 months pregnant. Saying that out loud is horrible and it’s degrading so I would never take him back but right now I’m struggling and I’m going to struggle not to love him for some time.

His dad already left us, well me he still wants to be in his son’s life and I think he will be but that will be on my terms. You are right he did let me struggle for months whilst he played his video games and even after chucking me out of his house whilst 6 months pregnant. I shouldn’t love him but I do and I’m also carrying his baby so it’s not like I can turn that off. I would never want my son to be hurt. My ex isn’t an alcoholic but I do understand what you’re saying. He wants to be this man child that never grows up and takes responsibility but was more than happy not to use protection. Deep down I thought I made him happy, I acted like the housewife and he took the advantage, promised me everything and chucked it right back in my face. It should take for him to speak to his mam and sister about not being happy then to dump me 2 days later on a Wednesday evening and expect me just to pack a bag.

He did that to you because he’s a cunt, he didn’t care less whether you’d be wandering the streets, he just wanted you and your baby filled womb out of his hair.
You might still love him but you’re not protecting yourself against him. You got in touch with him about your pregnancy, he drove you to hospital and you asked him if he’d move out of his home, so you and baby could live there. You were hoping he’d say yes and get back together with you, even though you have a roof over your head at your mum’s until you get your new house. It’s like your refusing to believe it’s happened instead of nursing your hurt and going forwards.