How to coparent with someone who dumped you whilst pregnant and you still love them?

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Dumped at 6 months pregnant (first baby - little boy). I still love my ex boyfriend of over 4 years and I fear I will never be able to move on. His actions during my pregnancy have been awful but I constantly think about him. I know time heals and my hormones are crazy but I really thought we would be together forever. I’m not sure I can coparent with this man but I know I have to push through it.

Thank you, so 3-4 months of an address will make no difference? I’m going to reach out to my mortgage advisor again as I have already had an approved application so really don’t want anything to go wrong now x

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

Slightly different to others but my advice regarding the birth would be to just think about yourself. What do YOU want, who is going to be able to best support you, make you feel comfortable, keep you going through labour and birth? If you genuinely think that person is him then you’re allowed to have him there despite everything, you’re allowed to be selfish. But if you don’t think that he is the person you want there with you then don’t feel he has to be there, you get to make that decision for you and only you. It’s a personal decision, only you know what is best for you.

As for co-parenting though I agree with others, follow his lead. If the baby arrives and he only texts you once every 6 weeks asking about his child then you really don’t need to worry at all about co-parenting because it doesn’t take much to co-parent with an occasional text. Don’t worry about it until you have to, if he does step up and want to be involved then you can cross that bridge when you get there.

It wouldn’t make a difference. Similarly if you do keep it at his address you’ll just have to make sure that all your ID and bank statements are at whichever address you choose.

Thank you, I need to put my feelings aside but I’m still holding out hope that he wants to rekindle our relationship. I would be stupid to given the way he has treated me whilst he doesn’t care. All he’s done since the breakup is drink and play video games whilst I’ve struggled. He knows I’ve struggled and he hasn’t even offered to build his sons next to me crib or Moses basket

Have you got any support around you OP? I know you mentioned your mum, is she going to help you postpartum & with your newborn?

If I was you I’d start focusing on preparing to go it alone, put support in place, plan to do it solo and then anything else is a bonus but jot something you are reliant on

No real advice but I just wanted to say, what an utter dickhead he is.

Wishing you the best for the arrival of your little boy OP.

Yes my mum is self employed so she will be able to help for the first 8 weeks at least. It’s just hard because I never expected to be doing this alone.

Thank you, his family think his actions are ok. It makes me feel like utter shit because I didn’t ask for this. I don’t regret my little boy I just regret who his father is

Honestly the VERY easiest option is to let him duck out.
Been there. Be grateful to the universe for the man of your dreams who is the father of your child. Sadly all relationships will eventually end one way or another.

However do not want him deciding on you and your childs future life because he gives you £120 a month or something equally ridiculous.
The less a non invested man has in his kids the better. You can tell a child every detail of their father without a birth certificate. DNA testing is easy should their be any doubts later. Passports, official permission , everything. Is 100% easier with an obstructive partner point scoring.

Thank you, I’ve worked out child maintenance as around £445 per month but I will be using the services as I don’t trust someone who couldn’t communicate with me at the time I needed them the most.

I think he will bother with his son when he’s born but it breaks my heart to think I carried him for 9 months and he didn’t care then.

Didn’t you find out he was messaging another woman?
With his parents having alcohol problems, he has grown up seeing his parents reach for a bottle rather than face any problem head on. He hides from responsibilities, choosing to immerse himself into a game or alcohol, he is likely to end up exactly like his parents and do you want your son to have to grow up in a toxic environment?

I did yes a female work colleague who is married and has two children. But you are right, my son deserves better than him unless he steps up.

Sorry you’re going through this OP 🥺

Personally I wouldn’t have him at the birth if it would cause you upset or discomfort, but would notify him of the birth and let him visit then.

Like others have suggested, I’d then follow his lead with co-parenting. Leave the door open but don’t push anything

You don’t have to put him on the birth certificate, if he steps up consistently and you decide you want him on there you could always add him on later

Sounds like he’s treated you horribly and the way he’s handled things has obviously indirectly affected your son, but I would honestly try to go off how he is with baby once he’s born. Whether he steps up or not it won’t be easy but it sounds like your mum is quite supportive which is great x

Your ex will never step up or face responsibilities, he grew up seeing his parents avoid facing up to problems by getting drunk.
He was gaming after you found out you were pregnant, ignoring you and then started messaging another woman. He flat out ignores any difficulties or distracts himself so he doesn’t face up to anything, just like his parents, except they use alcohol.

Very well said. This baby wasn’t planned but he didn’t do anything to prevent it. He doesn’t want the responsibility simple as. It’s heart breaking especially when I feel guilty for my son and I feel deeply heartbroken how he could do this.

The only way to care for a growing baby and a newborn, is to care for the Mother. He has failed at that. This stress will have caused Cortisone to surge through your body which effects the baby, and he doesn't seem to give a shit about that.

When the child is born, if he says he cares for his child but doesn't give a shit about you, then he is not caring for his child. Your child needs a rested and happy Mother. If he doesn't get that then he can fuck off. Also, don't let him or his family take this baby away from you when he is still too young. It should only be supervised visits only for a while. The baby needs you and only you. He's fucked his chances. Stay strong with the surname. You don't want your son to still have some twats surname in 10 years time. I've seen it so often and wonder what these women were thinking. He's an arsehole. Try very very hard to stop loving him.

Supporting a baby means supporting the Mother. The 2 can't be separated.

I love your response, thank you very much x

Absolutely not. And I would NOT fall for a last minute reconciliation just before the birth once he realises that is his only way to be there, only to dump you again afterwards.

If you did get back together, any problems you have in the future, he will walk away, cheat or even start using alcohol to escape. That is not a stable, loving relationship, it’s hell.

To be honest I don’t think he would, he will stay quiet until I’ve told him about the birth. He hasn’t made any effort for the last 8 weeks or whilst we were together so there’s no point now.

Exactly and he wouldn’t love me. Chased love is not real love it’s forced.

You know who your ex will most likely end up like, his alcoholic father!

He does like a drink now, but does on call every other which prevents it getting worse. His dad is yellow due to his liver you would think that would affect him. But you can force someone to stop

Write down all the crap he has put you through and everytime you feel starry eyed about him - read it!! Don't let his family take care of your baby, they are alcoholics - not safe! Don't offer olive branches.

You are young, pregnant and living with your mum, soon you will have a baby and your own home. You are seeing your ex, even though he treated you so bad with love googles on. He is no good for you and your baby, he has the same attitude as his parents and will never be someone anyone can rely on.