anyone else pregnant with loads of kids already?? feelin bit judged ngl

[Chattymum23]

hi all not sure if i should post this but here goes

i’m 8+4 with baby no.5 (all boys 😅) n tbh i feel like everyone thinks i’m a joke. haven’t even told half the fam cos i know what they’ll say. last time i told my mum i was preg she rolled her eyes n said “again?” 😔

i know it’s not ideal but it’s happened now n i just want to be happy bout it. i love my kids loads even if life’s a bit hectic

i’m knackered n got sickness bad but still doin school runs n sortin all the meals n tantrums. nursery called again yday bout my 4yo n i just cried in the loo after

anyone else got a biggish family n feel like ppl look down on you? not after a row just want to feel a bit less alone

I think a lot of the time when people judge big families it's because they're projecting their feelings about how they personally would cope with that many children. It's a reflection on them, not you.

I'd say a lot more of the time they're judging if people having big families can't afford to finance them.

And how is that anything even remotely like the OP?

You know that the majority of children brought up on benefits also rely on benefits, rather than being net contributors? Some or all of these five might break the mould, but it's statistically unlikely. More likely that the IHT my kids will pay will be funding OP's grandchildren.

My youngest was unplanned and I have posted on here 6 years ago asking for advice about it, and whether I should reconsider the pregnancy.

People were quite unkind, and judged me a lot - she's our third child, and i worried we wouldn't be able to afford it. I work part time and my DH has a full time job, but my health is pretty fragile after 3 concussions and a movement disorder.

Most days I am so grateful for my three children and love them all, but it's not easy when you have a lot of health problems in spite of a happy marriage snd good job, home etc. Being in a relationship is the key part of why I kept my baby. If I had been a single mum of three, there's no way i would have coped.

Can you truly say you will be able to give your children everything they need? I'm sure you're a brilliant mum, but it's not easy being on your own with one, letalone five.

I think it’s fine if you can genuinely afford it; and if you understand that they are your responsibility so babysitting from family ect is limited because 5 kids on someone else is a lot.

I think I judge you when people are just popping out kids; haveing unprotected sex then being ‘surprised’ when they’re pregnant again, yet sending their kids to school with no breakfast and uniform too smell because you have to wait for payday before you can feed them this week and buy new uniform at the end of the year. In those cases it’s needs to stop.

Women have been judged for their reproductive and other choices since time immemorial. You're judged for being too young, or too old, or in a relationship or not in a relationship, for working or not, for claiming benefits or not, for being part of the pta or not, for taking them to clubs and activities or not, for packed lunches or school dinners, breast or bottle, too fat or too thin etc etc. To an extent you have to harden your heart and crack on.

However, I do have thoughts and opinions about large families I see at school, especially with a single parent who has their own personal issues due to negative relationship experiences, becoming a parent very young or without the financial resources to manage well. It looks such hard and unhappy work from the outside, the children are often the ones without the right stuff or late and the parent is often seeking help and support - and schools try to provide what they can but are limited in what they can do. I personally couldn't manage more kids and do it well so absolutely don't blame someone for not coping well but it is then very odd to see these families get steadily bigger. A mum at our school would always complain on the class WhatsApp about modest dress up day costs or once a year trip costs and say "when you've got 6 it's 6 times as much" but then had another baby! These children and their parent rarely look to be having ana easy or enjoyable time, and don't get to do any extra activities, trips, outings or clubs. This particular mum had a few children with specific learning and behavioural issues and was often called into meetings and needed to attend more appointments etc than the average.

Op, if you want a large family (and I think it can be wonderful in good circumstances) then you need to make your decisions and live your best life. But expecting people not to judge when they judge about almost everything else is naive.

I do think the lifestyle expectations and income differences in society are widening too. So many people stop at 1 or 2 children due to wanting to be able to provide housing, holidays, education, music lessons, clubs, cultural experiences such as theatre trips and museum visits, weekend breaks and holidays abroad, plus wanting to pay for driving lessons, cars, uni and house deposits. It can be hard to understand that other people are happy not to provide any of those things and see them all beyond basic food, shelter and company, to be surplus to requirements. It's 2 cultures colliding really.

There will always be bitter and judgmental people everywhere.
People judge those who can't have children, don't want children, have only one child, have multiple children, have only boys, have only girls, and so on.
What truly matters is raising and educating your children well—everything will be fine.
There are also state benefits available to help when needed.
Good luck to you!

Totally agree with @BinBadger

That’s completely different situation to OP. So much so that it’s not even comparable, surely you can see that?

If you can afford to maintain five children working part time as a cleaner then congratulations. I am assuming that you get generous maintenance from their father as obviously the two children cap will have hit you hard. Maybe you could post your budget sometime to show all the big knicker hoikers how you do it, I am sure people would love to know.

apologies i didn't realise i was not allowed to respond to other comments made on the thread.

Wow. I'm so sorry that you feel judged, I certainly don't,and I can't believe some of the responses that you've received.
Congratulations OP

Not sure how starting a thread involving the phrase “feelin bit judged” is likely to work out because it invites users to judge you further.

Are you secretly hoping for a girl?

If you can look after and support your children emotionally, practically and financially then go for it. That's your choice.

However,.... if you expect the state to support your life decisions then yes... I do look down on you.

Totally agree with this.

Yet people still continue because they know they can, proof is out there.

Honest answer. I don’t judge people for having large families but I do judge when people keep having children they can’t afford and rely on benefits to raise those unplanned children. I’m completely in favour of lower income households being financially supported but many families can’t afford to have five children even if they want them so yes I do judge when people already have a couple of children and then keep having children without thinking it through and planning how they’ll support them. I would have had a third child if it was possible without impacting significantly on our finances but financially it wasn’t viable as we would have had to support ourselves through the unpaid part of maternity leave etc and found a way of buying a bigger house and car to give that third child the life we wanted to so we only have the two children.

If you can financially support your own kids then no, I would expect any judgement however if you can’t, then I feel the judgement is justified I am afraid.

It is a different situation but I was just surprised how judgmental some people are of big families. It feels like some people assume if you are a big family you are claiming benefits and not doing anything with or for your kids.

The most important thing kids need you are already giving them. Kids need parents who take an interest in them and are actively involved in their lives.

Large families used to be a norm. I think a lot more people would have three kids or more if it was financially more manageable.

Sorry you have had such awful judgemental responses.

Women should remember that even if you only get pregnant once in your lifetime it’s possible to end up with multiple children (the record is 9) so it’s really unhelpful to judge women’s unique circumstances.

When I see large families I think ‘blooming heck I couldn’t do that myself’ but good on them for making the family they want.

There have been plenty of cases in the news where ‘only children’ have been badly neglected so it doesn’t necessarily follow that larger families are going to be more neglected.

There are women on Mumsnet who openly negatively judge those who can't have children, and there are also childfree women who take pride in criticizing mothers on platforms like Mumsnet, which is primarily aimed at mothers. You get both the best and worst of humanity in one place.

Don’t let people try and convince you to abort OP out of guilt. I find many of the uptight people who like to look down on low earners or benefit claimers have fiddled the system themselves at one point.

I know one who likes to waffle on about benefits and single mums, when the irony is she fiddled the system to get a council house.

I think there is nothing wrong with having a large family if you can afford it. I have 2 but would have loved 4+ if I could afford it or had a partner.

No need to apologise.

Should I not have asked you that question?

This is a chat forum after all?

Well there is a two child benefit cap so you and the ‘low income’ family would be in exactly the same position if you had a third.

@Chattymum23 It makes me sad you feel like this. You should be proud those babies have chosen you to be their mum. I loved being from a family of 5 kids. I was right in the middle. The other parents should admire you can handle 5 children.

This

A woman who is in a vulnerable position, being pregnant, says she is feeling down and looking for advice and is absolutely slammed from all angles.