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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?

120 replies

Essie3 · 15/05/2008 17:15

I'm really obsessing about this at the moment. No reason to, because the Down's test (for example) came back as low risk etc, and I'm not a high risk pregnancy or anything. But I just worry so much about it. People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong. I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.
I'm so obsessed that I'm googling baby movement (mine is quite active) in case that means everything will be fine.

Is this just me? I hate surprises (hence knowing the sex) and maybe the 9 month wait is getting to me or something?

OP posts:
splodgesmum · 15/05/2008 18:25

yes, essie, i worry about it all the time - and i work with SEN kids which doesn't help either

i would guess it's probably completely normal to worry, but that doesn't really help does it

wannaBe · 15/05/2008 18:41

?People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong.
I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.?. well I know it isn?t pc or anything to say this either, but, why are you having children if you think you can only love a perfect one? .

I think it is perfectly normal to worry that there might be something wrong. To want to give birth so that you know that everything is ok and that you have a healthy baby. Nothing wrong with that. But what makes me and is this belief that a baby with disabilities is not as loveable as one without. Why is this? Why?

There are many, many disabilities that cannot be tested for in utero. There are also disabilities that do not show until the child is older, such as autism. So you could give birth to your healthy, perfect baby and he/she might still turn out to be disabled. Will you love him/her less in two years time if he/she turns out to be autistic? Or has a developmental delay which is not picked up for a time? Or, god forbid, has a horrible accident and ends up severely disabled as a result?

It?s one thing having some concerns and wanting everything to be ok. We all want our children to be ok. No-one sets out to have a disabled child and if you speak to people with children with sn they will tell you that they wouldn?t have wished disabilities on any of their children. But they do not love them any less as a result.

Obsessing over it to this degree though is IMO not healthy.

sarah293 · 15/05/2008 18:47

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sarah293 · 15/05/2008 18:48

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MrsTittleMouse · 15/05/2008 18:50

This is your first, isn't it Essie? I worried about whether I would love DD1, just because I didn't have the experience of loving a baby yet, and I knew that it wasn't automatic (because I know people who have fostered and there is no way that the birth parents of those children loved them. ). It was all worrying for nothing though, as of course I love DD. And I know that I will love DB2 (who will hopefully be born in October).

I do worry about DB2 and hope that she/he will be OK, I think that it's a normal part of pregnancy. The hormones do make you a bit barmy, to be honest. It's a really good idea to cut down on the googling though - that way madness lies!

pagwatch · 15/05/2008 18:52

Essie3
i think it is perfectly normal to worry about our unborn babies. And as stress is really bad for your baby you do need to try and not 'give in' to the urge to obsesss. Understandable but not really helpful.
I think however it might be good for you to take a moment and think about what you are saying. Saying a child with disability would to you be unlovable is not about being unpc - it is about being really really thoughtless ( and actually pretty shallow tbh).
When you have this baby how would you feel about them growing up and saying " i don't want to be friends with that child, she is loevely but she has Downs Syndrome" You would probably be pretty disappointed at her whole belief system wouldn't you ?
I think you are perhaps more worried about being able to cope and this is what you are focussing on.

Go and have a relaxing bath and try to keep your worries and fears in perspective. Much better for baby and you to concentrate upon the strong likelihood of a gorgeous child whom you will love - regardless of what life throws at you both

wannaBe · 15/05/2008 18:54

someone posted a piece once, it was basically like a diagnosis, saying that "your child will be normal, that means he may end up a criminal/ddrug addict/etc". I'll try to find it later (bath/bed time now).

But basically what I'm trying to say is, even if you had a perfect baby he/she could still turn out to be a drug addict/murderer/criminal of any kind/waster etc.

FrannyandZooey · 15/05/2008 18:55

No, I am worried about lots of stuff but this isn't one of them

I am not answering to make you feel odd or wrong but was aware you wanted a range of responses

I do think however it is (sadly) normal to worry about almost random things and get fixated on them during pg
sorry that this is on your mind

hatrick · 15/05/2008 19:00

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LynetteScavo · 15/05/2008 19:04

I was convinced Ds1 would have a disablility. I remember standing in the play area of Regents park when I was pregnant with him, thinking how unfair it was I would have a child with a severe disablity,when all the children around me seemed so healthy. He was born with no disablilty at all (apart from poor eye sight, but we didn't discover that until later)

I was convinced DD would die during or soon after birth. She's now upstairs being very LOUD.

I think it's a way for your brain to prepare you for what you think is the worst.

greenlawn · 15/05/2008 19:20

Worry is normal, but not to the point where it is affecting your well-being! One of my twins died at birth and the other was given a grave prognosis of severe brain damage (in fact I believe the word "vegetable" was sensitively used by the medical profession). He was in fact perfectly "normal". But in the moment he was born I couldn't have cared less what was wrong with him - of course I wanted a good outcome, but it didn't affect my love for him. Its only other people that have since continued to bang on about how "lucky" we were he was unaffected. Please don't think I'm being insensitive or belittling your worries, I'm actually trying to reassure you that we never know what's round the corner, all we can do is enjoy life for the here and now (sorry trite but true). Try and enjoy your pregnancy!

MrsTittleMouse · 15/05/2008 19:25

greenlawn - sorry to hear about your twin . You reminded me - we almost lost DD when she was a newborn. And then a couple of days later we had the newborn hearing test and she failed. The woman who tested her was really sensitive and told us that it didn't necessarily mean that she was deaf and that she could do another test, and was basically lovely with us. But all we could think was "she's deaf - is that all?", because we'd come so close to losing her. It really put everything in perspective. As it was, DD passed the second test and has no problems (that we know of so far). But although it was dreadful at the time, I wonder if we were actually lucky that we had that wake-up call so that we could understand in a small way what was important.

slinkiemalinki · 15/05/2008 19:29

Yes - I am worried about it - but no more than I am worried something bad might happen to my daughter, who was born normal, but you never know what nasty surprises life has in store.
I genuinely believe that one would love one's child just the same no matter what (as others have said) - I understand there is sometimes a period of mourning when you feel bereaved for the "normal" child you were expecting, but then you hopefully adjust and move on. I don't really feel reassured by nuchal etc results as I understand a significant percentage are born to so-called low risk mothers anyway.

greenlawn · 15/05/2008 19:30

Completely agree MrsTittleMouse - normality is such a relative concept, isn't it? Glad to hear your dd is OK.

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/05/2008 19:38

I so agree with WannaB posts. Yes he/she may be physically healthy (which is an absolute blessing) but could end up giving you a life of pain in other ways.

Please don't dwell on it. You will get what you're given, you can't control everything in life.

Monkeytrousers · 15/05/2008 19:44

I think this is a normal fear - a SN child will change the shape of your life - the whole families life forever. I am 38 and DP wants another but won't try past this year as he feels the risks are too high. He works with SN adults - and their families.

sarah293 · 15/05/2008 20:25

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sarah293 · 15/05/2008 20:26

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Monkeytrousers · 15/05/2008 20:33

what's disablist?

chegirl · 15/05/2008 20:33

Cos I was the grand old age of 39 with my latest baby I kept getting booked in for scans and test I didnt want. No one asked me just booked me in! I cancelled them. Having a disabled child is not the worst thing in the world. Having a 'normal' child who is incredibly healthy and fit and beautiful and clever who then gets luekemia at 12 and dies at 14, IMO , IS the worst thing in the world.

That said, it is normal to worry that something will be wrong with your baby. But there is nothing you can do about it so just try and enjoy your pregnancy and best wishes.

sarah293 · 15/05/2008 20:34

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Original poster
Essie3 · 15/05/2008 20:35

Thanks everyone for your comments - I really hope I haven't offended anyone, as that's not what I was trying to do. I had a bit of a wobble (been suffering from AND for most of my pregnancy, and I thought it was gone, but I turned my back for 1 minute...)
I think pagwatch has it - I'm kind of more worried about not being able to love any baby, or not loving him enough, and worried about how I'll cope. I have an unusual situation in that DH and I don't live together, and so I will be alone a lot, and I'm worried about this first baby, and don't want anything extra to be worried about (although I'm not short of things to lose sleep over!). Financially I have to go back to work, so I also worry that if the baby needs more care I will have to give up work, then lose my house etc etc.
DH has told me I'm being silly and neurotic and we'll cope no matter what. So that's a good thing!
LynetteScavo - that's it, you've described it exactly, and things worked out well for you!

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 15/05/2008 20:48

You are not being silly or neurotic Essie. If any of us had a disabled child or our partners became disabled to any large degree we would have to become full time carers - as you say, that has huge costs to everyones quality of life and being aware of that is just being realistic. But the odds are your baby will be fine and loved whatever, so you shouldn't worry too much

Bimblin · 15/05/2008 21:21

Another opinion; I worried and stressed throughout my first pregnancy too, to the point it was totally unenjoyable. Mine wasn't fear of disability, but of stillbirth, cos I have a medical condition that makes it statistically more likely, and I became focussed on it, to the point that I wouldn't let my parents or dp enjoy the future baby either, I just said, well it'll probably be dead anyway. Not fun...
And the baby was fine. and when I got pregnant the second time I didn't worry at all really, I didn't have time. and if the worst had happened, well I guess i'd have dealt with it. and he was fine too.
So, just think, its hormones, its natural to worry, because its something you can't possibly control. But there's no point having a miserable nine months as well for mosst likely no reason.

Bimblin · 15/05/2008 21:34

To add to that - talk to your HCPs - mine reassured me many a time. You are maybe like me and need to consider the worst case scenario so you can be prepared, at least the positive in that is getting a nice surprise when its all fine!

And then you can look forward to your db merely being a murderer/waster etc...