Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?

[Essie3]

I'm really obsessing about this at the moment. No reason to, because the Down's test (for example) came back as low risk etc, and I'm not a high risk pregnancy or anything. But I just worry so much about it. People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong. I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.
I'm so obsessed that I'm googling baby movement (mine is quite active) in case that means everything will be fine.

Is this just me? I hate surprises (hence knowing the sex) and maybe the 9 month wait is getting to me or something?

Please just enjoy your pregnancy! There is absolutely no point worrying about something that is so unlikely to happen. The great majority of people have children without problems.
Some of us are part of that tiny percentage of people that have children with special needs, but that is life. It is a journey of learning, everything that life throws at you makes you a stronger person.
I am sure you'll be fine.
Just a word of advice:
If your child is overdue and the doctors tell you it is best to go for a cesarian, forget all the hippy dippy nonsense about waiting till God knows how many weeks, natural birth is best, bla,bla bla and just do it.

Yes, hatrick I am aware of that, but babies do not require 24/7 care for the rest of their lives.

A child with a severe disability will require such care for the rest of their lives. I am being honest. I don't know if I could cope with that.

you can have a healthy baby. who becomes a healthy child.

then illness or accidents strike.

and you're left with that same child, who is disabled.

what then?

don't love them anymore?

if you think that, just remember, it could just as easily have been you.

It's kind of like getting married but thinking beforehand, well I'll marry you provided you stay like you are now and don't get a serious illness/dementia etc, because I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

A good analogy, PL!

I remember seeing a news show about Alzheimer's.

This one woman came on with her husband, who had Alzheimer's. They were filmed going about their day. And it was SO hard.

Then she showed some photos of him, he'd been a fighter pilot in the Air Force and then a commercial airline pilot. And she talked about how he'd started falling ill just a few months after his retirement, so he'd never been able to enjoy it.

And the journalist asked her, 'How do you do it?'

And all she said was, 'When I said, 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health', I meant it.'

so if you couldn't love a baby with a disability what then? give it up for adoption and write a book ala julia hollander? .

I still think that the two things are separate. When you are pregnant with your first, you worry about whether you will love your child. When you are pregnant you worry about the health of your child. And both are normal. It's just that the pregnancy hormones make you a bit doolally and in some people's minds the two become linked.

Like I said in my earlier post, I worried about whether I would love DD no matter who she was or what had happened to her. I just worried whether I was capable of loving a child. Maybe people who are really maternal and have always really wanted children don't have that concern, but I did.

I did say to myself I wasn't going to post again on this topic but I feel I have to.

MPD - we're on the same wavelength, I think, and I'm finding the negative attacks/judgements a bit unfair and rather hard to deal with.
Speaking for myself, I have no children, have never given birth, and although I am told that I will love my baby no matter what, it's impossible to believe/know that - I hope and pray it will happen, but I have no experience of anything like this and so it's a big leap in the dark. A true matter of faith. This is true of my whole pregnancy, and what with hormones, mind altering depression etc, I am often drowning not waving. I have doubts - I had doubts when I posted, and was looking for reassurance.
I was rather naive perhaps, and posting on mumsnet does not leave me safe from judgemental or downright mean responses. Luckily, the positive support outweighs any of that.
I am the first to admit that I am a selfish person - I have no children (yet), nobody is dependent on me, I have no experience of being an all-giving earth mother type. Like MPD I'm aware that babies need a lot of care - but I haven't done it, so it's all foreign and a mystery, and will remain so until I'm int he middle of things. I am successful in my career and work hard; but with pregnancy, the fear is that I could work as hard as I like and things could still go badly wrong. That fear is very hard to deal with, and that's exactly why I need the reassurance from people who have been there, and gone before me - and I need to be told that the anxiety is normal. I do not need to be told that I shouldn't have children if I only want a 'perfect' child, because I struggle to believe that anyone would set out actually hoping for a child with major (or minor) problems. We all want healthy babies.

So, today, I'm not tired or panicky, and think I could probably cope with most things. When I posted originally, I was feeling low, lonely and scared. No more navel gazing, I promise! Thanks to all of you who made supportive comments - that's why I'm on mumsnet!

I'm not an all-giving Earth mother type.

I've had very severe PND once, PND another time and this is my second time round with ante-natal depression.

I have a child with SN, albeit rather mild ones.

I made a commitment to her when I got pregnant.

That, even if I didn't love her, it is my duty and my job to protect her and do the best I can by her.

Otherwise, I have no business having kids, to be quite frank.

That's part of life, part of adulthood.

It doesn't always go how you want or plan.

This is an open forum.

People have differing opinions and sorry, but they won't always be what you want to hear.

Essie - you don't have to become an Earth-mother all-giving type after you have the baby either. In fact, I think that that can be a bit unhealthy and lead to the martyr style of parenting where the parents come so far down the list that the relationship takes a huge battering. You just have to love your child and take care of them. It isn't always easy, but it does come surprisingly naturally.

i can't see where people have been mean.
a thread is strted saying.."Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?"
did you expect all rose tinted advice.
as it has been said this is an open forum. if you post you won't always get yes men answering.
my dd is off with a cold today. and I am am having a lovely day full of smiles.
so reading a thread where people seem to think people like her are less worthy of love. makes me very me saying that is not mean. it is a fact.

"I struggle to believe that anyone would set out actually hoping for a child with major (or minor) problems. We all want healthy babies.". Of course we do. No-one has disputed that. What people have quite rightly taken issue with is the fact that it seems to be totally acceptable to consider a baby with disabilities to be not loveable. And this is an attitude which is rife in our society. 92% of pregnancies where downs is detected in utero are terminated. It just goes to reiterate that the disabled are considered less worthwhile members of society. Not only that, but that people who think that shouldn't be judged.

it is apparently perfectly ok to come on to a public website and declare, in front of people whose children have disabilities, that babies with disabilities are not loveable in the same way as babies without. Would you sit in a cafe across from a parent with a disabled child and say the same?

I found that I just had to accept that yes, there is a chance that my baby might have a disability. It IS hard to accept when we're so used to a consumer culture in which we get 'guarantees' for everything, or can take something back, or swap it for a better model. Antenatal testing further adds to the idea that we can control the outcomes of our pregnancies, but the truth is, we really can't.
I did worry about it, even during labour , but when DS was put on my tummy, I honestly did not care if he was 'normal' or not. I truly, truly didn't care.

belgianbun thanks. i was offended by the "mean" word. as I am always very careful as to what I say on threads like this as I know I could give expectant mums nightmares.

I assume you are referring to me.

I make no apology for thinking that if you are not prepared for any eventuality then you shouldn't have children. I am entitled to that opinion in the same way others seem to be entitled to the opinion that a baby with disabilities isn't loveable.

If that makes me mean then so be it. But it's no more mean than statements such as that children with disabilities are not worthy of love.

wannaBe you haven't said anything mean.

It is natural to worry to some degree/extent.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I love my ds2. I loved him from the moment I knew I was carrying him, that didn't change when at 9 months old he was diagnosed with a significant heart defect (he was born with congeintal heart disease). I absolutely adore him, the sun may as well shine out his backside. He is nearly 4 now and the life and soul of any party

On the flip side, I have a friend and neighbour who's DD was born perfectly healthy. At 18 months her mother found a lump at the top of her leg. It turned out to be cancer. Thankfully it went into remission fairly quickly and she is a healthy, beautiful nearly 7 year old.

Unfortunately, there are no guarentee's in life. Deciding to bring a child into the world is a big & scarey decision and having a child who may not be your idea of "perfect" (there is NO such thing) is a risk that you take ultimately. I too have been told I am low risk for Down's, but naturally, I can't help but worry about my baby's health, not about whether or not I wil love him/her, it's too late for that, I am already head over heels!

i am also head over heels in love with dc#4. i know nothing about him or her yet. over the next 27weeks we will be subjected to scans every 4 weeks and be sent to london for detailed cardiac scans. i will eanr more about any possible efect during these scans. these are being done due to dh previous heart condition and dd1 leaky heart valve. i know the odds are good. i come from a family with a long history of disorders ranging from ADHD, dyslexia, speech delays, language delays etc plus my neice and nephew have cerebal palsy. I have learnt enough in life that disabled doesnt me unlovable at all. I dont worry too much about disabilities but want to be prepared regarding heart problems as it almost killed my dh last year. As long as i have those facts i#'m fine. Anything else i can deal with. As i said to my midwife at the booking in appointment as i declined serem screening 'after last summer down syndrome and other disorders are way down on my list of worries'

since when is sharing what you believe to be true when you were asked for your opinions 'mean'?

here, here, misdee!