Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?

[Essie3]

I'm really obsessing about this at the moment. No reason to, because the Down's test (for example) came back as low risk etc, and I'm not a high risk pregnancy or anything. But I just worry so much about it. People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong. I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.
I'm so obsessed that I'm googling baby movement (mine is quite active) in case that means everything will be fine.

Is this just me? I hate surprises (hence knowing the sex) and maybe the 9 month wait is getting to me or something?

Essie - I think all of us would recognise and empathise with the general level of worry that goes on in pg.

But you did say "People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong." and you must see that that is at least open to misinterpretation - if what you mean was your most recent expanation of your feelings.

I wish you the very best during your wait...but whereas i can see that you have felt jumped on, i don't think it's quite fair that the heartfelt voices of parents with children who do have "soomething major wrong" get dismissed as somehow unreasonable...not necessariy by you but because unfortunately the thread has become a bit 'them and us' and 'supporters of Essie' and 'supporters of disab;ed children' iyswim.

Anyway - I hope you don't go to bed miserable tonight

Essie - well I took your post as just about being worried about something you can't control - which in rl is totally normal, and its a pity like you said that the thread has gone off on a tangent.

MPD
I think NAB is a pretty unpatronising person - and someone who understands well the negative effects of stress.
I think she was trying to encourage Essie to relax a little.
And I think your comment was either a misunderstanding of the point she was trying to make or something else.

This is a difficult thread. It might be better if we try to avoid spoiling for a fight.

MPD.
No I am not a doctor. I am someone who put a lot of pressure on herself to be the perfect mum and do everything brilliantly for my baby and eneded up with PND 3 times and AND once, so I would like an apology please. I am not patronising anyone. I was trying to help.

yes Blu well said.
It has become a bit of a sledgehammer discussion when I think it more sophisticated than that.
I hope I haven't pounced on Essie. I think pregnancy is a time full of concerns - rational or otherwise .

Thanks pagwatch.

NotaBanana

I aplogise if offended. I have mis-raed it.

Apology accepted.

I'm sure that most people experience anxiety while they are pregnant about whether the baby will be 'OK' and what sort of mother they'll be, etc.

But it seems pointless to me to get so worked up about something so hypothetical at this stage. No-one has given the OP any reason to believe that her baby has any kind of problem, have they? In which case you really need to try and get a grip on your anxieties and tell yourself they are irrational.

If you have been in the position of having a 'difficult' scan, if the person doing the scan goes quiet and goes to fetch more senior colleagues, if you are then referred for endless further investigations, if you are given a complex diagnosis and prepared for your baby to need major surgery (as a best-case scenario) soon after birth, or potentially to not survive, and you have to go through most of your pregnancy knowing this - then yes, your anxieties are understandable. But if no-one has given you cause to worry, what is the point of torturing yourself about something that probably won't happen??? I wish I'd had the chance to experience a 'normal' pregnancy with my DD2 - what a shame to waste the opportunity.

Going over old ground here, I realise, but...

Essie and all those who are failing to see the point - the point is that you are all supporting the notion that its harder to love a child with disabilities than a 'normal' child, whether its speculative or not.

I know thats not how the OP started, but she unintentionally revealed a common attitude that many of us just find unacceptable. And its being challenged.
Maybe accepting that challenge and re-thinking your attitude for future posts and exchanges in RL would be the best outcome for everyone, and definitely for all our children. Disabled or not. Here's hoping.

Just wanted to add that everything Essie has said I can empathise with and her fears sound very normal for a first-time pregnant mum (and I would blame hormones a little for increasing anxiety). Be gentle on yourself. What will be will be and whatever happens if you have supportive friends/family and as positive an outlook as you can muster you WILL cope. When you lay eyes on your newborn baby I can be almost certain you will feel emotions you could only dream of- the fierce and overwhelming love of a mother. And if that doesn't happen immediately DON'T panic (extreme exhaustion, complicated birth etc. can make bonding at first hard)- it will happen in time. At least this has been my experience- DS was born by emergency c-section at 30 weeks, spent 8 weeks being cared for in SCBU, and we went through hell during that time, but the love I felt for him was overwhelming.... And now with DD who has CF I feel the same, and it is beautiful. Yes at times I wish life was a little less complicated, and my career has had to make a few changes, but my children became my no. 1 priority from the moment they were born so there have been no agonising decisions.
That is my personal experience- I know others have different experiences and I also know my children are fortunate not to have severe disability.... But should anything happen in the future we WILL cope and we WILL be happy too.

Wishing you the very best for the rest of your pregnancy- try to enjoy it
xxxx

I can feel for Essie's general state of anxiety and fear- remembering how I went around in a state of numb shock for 3 days having dreamed that scans revealed that ds had his head on upside down! It's those nasty hormones!!

Don't worry, love- that weird hormonal state does pass. It may be that you fall in love with your baby instantly (whether SN or NT probably makes little difference) or it may be that love is something that comes gradually. Mums experience bonding differently and both ways are fine as long as you don't beat yourself up too much.

Some of MPD's posts, I have more problems with:

I think you are confusing feeling resentment and failing to feel love. My dd is not brain-damaged but disabled enough to curtail my life in quite a significant way. I resent it! I resent it like hell! But I love HER.

You seem to visualise feelings for a child as something that happens instantly at birth and then remains static. But what then becomes of all of us who thought we had an NT child, only find out years later that we didn't? Do we stop loving? Sorry darling, I did love you, but not if you're going to be SN.

I think this ties in with Wannabee's posts. When we do take on the care of a small baby, we do also take on the responsibility for caring for that child whatever shit life may throw at her. You can't abort a 12-year-old because she has been brain damaged in a car crash. You can't abort a 7-year-old because she is diagnosed with a disabling joint disorder (my dd).

This is not necessarily as scary as it sounds, Essie (going back to the OP). Most of us grow with motherhood, and find strengths that we never knew we had. And the good news is- you don't have to produce all those strengths at once; it's not like the doctors will give you a test that you have to sit on the spot. Even Mums with very severely disabled children deal with it bit by bit.

But of course most children are not born disabled.

Hi Essie,

just wanted to add my little piece. I had an unplanned pregnancy 5 years ago, and although my pregnancy was absolutely perfect, I then gave birth to a beautiful boy with multiple health problems and severe disabilities. If someone had warned me during my pregnancy I would have been horrified! But here I am 5 years on and I'm loving motherhood, and my darling son more than I could have ever imagined!

I really appreciate what you said in your OP. It was a very honest comment, and I completely understand where you're coming from. I didn't feel a particularly strong bond with my unborn child, and even at his birth there wasn't the 'thunderbolt' of love that I'd expected (and hoped) would come. I grew to love my son!

Parenthood is about is about loving a child, nurturing a child, and helping them reach their potential in life - this is the essence of motherhood. Prepare yourself for this and nothing else and you'll cope with any life throws at you.

Best wishes to you both.xx

Even when my first baby was born I obsessively counted his fingers and toes over and over again to make sure they were all there. I think it's normal to worry about your baby having a disability or health problem. I think it's partly because it's all such a mystery what's going on in there. I remember wishing I could take my baby out, have a good look at them and then put them back in, like peeking in the oven before the cake is ready.
I think it's a bit mean to criticise someone for having zero idea of what it's like to love a child. Who does before we have them? I had no idea how much I'd love my children (I mean, I knew I would, but I had no idea of what that love would really feel like) and at the same time, no idea of how angry I'd be at times, how frustrated, how sad, how happy, how proud, how embarrassed, how easily I'd cry, how I couldn't watch anything where children were hurt, then anything where adults would hurt, that I'd burst into tears in the gym at a child being pulled from the rubble in the Chinese earthquake while watching the TV screen from the treadmill etc. It's a whole new world of emotions. I think I was living in black and white before and now it's technicolour!

And I have a child with a mild but complicated disability myself by the way.

And he's completely fabulous!!!!

Love transcends so called perfection.

My mil has a severly disabled child. She loves her with an aching passion.

My father becoming paralyzed and in a wheel chair in his old age has not affected my mums love for him negatively. Her heart is breaking, but overflowing with love for him.

I think humans are made in such a way that we "turn up" the love for those who needs it most.

Hi Essie.. is your worry about whether you will get enough support for yourself and your first baby - disabled or not? Is there something you can do now to put things in place for extra support..? can you get relatives involved or friends? Maybe this is off the track.
When I had DS1 I had no friends with babies around and it took a long while before things got going socially. I found that really great and really valued my Mum and baby groups/coffees/ classes when it finally came together. We went through the same stages at the same time which was so reasuring. I was so sleep deprived from my sleepless baby that I couldnt tell if I had pnd or just needed a nights sleep. If you have had AND making yourself get out there and meet people could be a real help. I remember how frustrating it was antinatally trying to make friends. No one was interested and I thought it would never happen but once I had DS it did.

nope even when I knew it was going to be so.