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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?

120 replies

Essie3 · 15/05/2008 17:15

I'm really obsessing about this at the moment. No reason to, because the Down's test (for example) came back as low risk etc, and I'm not a high risk pregnancy or anything. But I just worry so much about it. People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong. I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.
I'm so obsessed that I'm googling baby movement (mine is quite active) in case that means everything will be fine.

Is this just me? I hate surprises (hence knowing the sex) and maybe the 9 month wait is getting to me or something?

OP posts:
Bimblin · 15/05/2008 21:34

To add to that - talk to your HCPs - mine reassured me many a time. You are maybe like me and need to consider the worst case scenario so you can be prepared, at least the positive in that is getting a nice surprise when its all fine!

And then you can look forward to your db merely being a murderer/waster etc...

2shoes · 15/05/2008 21:45

I never post in this topic. but seeing the thread title and op I just have to
my dd was born 13 yrs ago. after a normal pregnacy. I had the normal low key tests(tripple test) and no probs.
except it all went wrong and she was born with cp.
did I love her? well yes she was my baby same as my son. it is amazing how you cope. because you have so much love.
having a disabled child is not the end. it is just a different road. A rocky road but tbh a better one.
I hope all goes well for you and I bet it does.

madmouse · 15/05/2008 22:03

I never gave it a second thought during my easy and healthy pregnancy (with a very bouncy baby!), so it came as a huge shock when ds started fitting 12 hours after birth and turned out to have brain injury due to unknown cause. We were told he would probably be blind (but he is not )and is likely to have other special needs.

Feelings were very complex. When he was in ICU still fitting and they did not know what was wrong I wanted to pack my suitcase and go home pretending I had never had a child. And that is normal. At the same time you discover a lioness like quality to yourself, you are willing to protect your baby with your life, and the love is still there.

Never confuse finding it easy to cope with loving your child.

It can happen, your child can have a disability and then you have to let go of these ideas about how life was going to be. But most babies are fine and healthy and yours probably (and hopefully) will be too.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2008 22:08

when i read posts like this, i always think of my ex-boyfriend, whom i'm still in touch with.

despite now being a brilliant surgeon, he struggles with bipolar disorder.

we were walking about in a group one day, and we passed a man who had Down's Syndrome.

one of the women in our group remarked, 'oh, that poor thing!'

and my ex said, 'i see that man almost every day. most of the time, i wish i could trade places with him, he seems so happy, but for the fact that i wouldn't wish this on anyone.'

no, i don't worry about having a baby with a disability.

because life has no guarantees, and now i've learned, there are so many things in this world far, far worse than having special needs.

beforesunrise · 15/05/2008 22:17

Essie, i personally feel that is quite normal to worry about it. i know i do all the time, i did with dd and i am with this one too. it is BECAUSE you love your baby so much that you are scared imo- you want to protect them and make them perfect and perfectly happy.

a friend of mine told me when i was pregnant with dd " yoy
u better get used to worrying because this is just the beginning- you will worry all your life about all sorts of stuff and that's just the deal, that's what mums do". for me that was the key, not to stop worrying, but to accept the worry.

IF it happens, you'll deal with it somehow. and certainly not the way you think you will cope now.... so kind of pointless to worry about it too much now...

last weekend i was in the park and there was a mum with a disabled girl in a wheelchair, she was giving her icecream and the wave of love between those two (they were framed by a door, slightly out of the way from the crowd) almost knocked me over. i am not a very religious person but i prayed at that moment for a fraction of the strength and beauty of that mum's love for her daughter. i have such enormous respect for mums of special kids, not because i think they're heroes or anything, but because i think my own maternal love pales by comparison.

tudorrose · 15/05/2008 22:29

Essie it truly wont matter you will love your baby the second you set eyes on them. I was just like you, i really didnt think i could cope if somethinhg was wrong, had all the tests everything and it all came back fine. DD3 was born and was perfect (after the pregnancy from hell) until she was diagnosed with CF at 4 weeks. Total bolt from the blue, no family history, nothing. But you pick yourself up and just get on with it, its your child, they need you and you love them forever.

madmumNika · 15/05/2008 22:35

I just want to echo what 2shoes said. Although not really a disability my DD has cystic fibrosis which came as a complete shock to us (no family history etc., fine after birth and it was only a result of the heel prick test that alerted us to it). You cope (although at first you wonder how) and your love for that child is the same as for any "healthy" child (I have an older DS). It is a different path but you just never know what is round the corner in any aspect of life really and having children is the same- you can't predict what dice is thrown. I have met many wonderful people since DD was diagnosed and they have added much richness and joy to my life- and DD never fails to amaze me.

It is only natural to worry, even if all tests etc. have been fine- because indeed there are so many things that you can't know about during pregnancy. But like others have said worrying is very much part of being a parent and just accept that is the territory and try not to let it stress you- let alone make you doubt yourself, your decisions or affect your happiness because it doesn't have to. You are bringing a new soul into the world who will light up your life and many other lives too.

Good luck xx

madmumNika · 15/05/2008 22:36

tudorrose- that's weird cross posting!! and same issue! Hugs to you and your DD3 xx

wrinklytum · 15/05/2008 22:57

Essie,I hope that you have a happy and healthy baby.It is natural to worry about such things when pg but please don't let it take over your life.Even if your worst fears were realised,having a "disabled" child IS hard,but there is still happiness too.The initial shock tears you apart,but you HAVE to cope for everyones sake.And you love them for the person that they are,not the label of a condition or disability.

My second child has special needs,and though I am now in a world I never thought I would be in I still love my baby to bits.Of course I would love for her to be able to walk and talk like other kids but reality is she doesn't.(Sometimes I do dream she is running around and calling me mummy) She is so much her own person,though and able to communicate simply with her expressions and signing,she is a really sunny child,usually smiling and laughing (she does have her terrible 2 moments,though!!)Today she was giving me LOADS of cuddles and has just learned to do a kissy sound when giving us a rather drooly sloppy kiss.Like any other 2 year old she loves the park,and ducks and icecream and sand and water and toys!!

Good luck with your baby,you will love your child,no matter what

Wrinkly xx

tudorrose · 15/05/2008 23:15

Spooky! Thanks MadmumNika, its always nice to hear from others in the same situation as it really helps to know its not just you. And what you said was completely true - you just never know what could be round the corner. DD3 has changed our lives in many ways, we are all different people because of her, from her grandparents down to DD2 who is only 2. And we are all the better for it. And if i think back to the terrible days just a few weeks ago when we got her diagnosis i would never have believed i could say that!

Shells · 15/05/2008 23:17

I would second what WrinklyTum says. You DO love your baby, no matter what happens. Don't confuse that with being sad or anxious about them having a disability. Of course no-one WANTS their child to be disabled. Its really hard (my DS2 has mild SN).

But please revise your thinking on this as it impacts on all of our children. Just because a child has SN does not mean they are not lovable. Its nothing to do with being PC or not. They are human beings. It is akin to saying 'oh I couldn't love a black baby' or whatever. Just not true or acceptable.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

sarah293 · 16/05/2008 08:17

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ninedragons · 16/05/2008 08:35

I did worry about it. In fact, statistically extreme as it is, I even gave some thought to a unisex name we could use if our baby was an hermaphrodite.

But I found MN while I was pregnant and lurked on the SN boards to see what life would be like. I gradually developed the impression that the mothers there loved their children even more fiercely than usual. I thought it was interesting that a previous poster used the word "lioness". That's exactly how those particular mothers come across to me.

So I knew I would be fine if I did have a disabled child, and I chilled out about it.

FioFio · 16/05/2008 08:39

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TheApprentice · 16/05/2008 08:42

Expat, that is a brilliant post. I am expecting my second and am 41 so know the odds of having a baby with SN are higher than some, but I have refused the tests for various personal reasons. And of course I do have some concerns about these issues.

However, I think of my brother who was considered brilliant as a child, very gifted academically and great things were expected of him. Unfortunately he suffers from very serious depression, is unable to hold down a job, and has attempted suicide twice, His quality of life is so much poorer than, say, the Downs sibling of a friend of mine who is a very happy person.

AS expat says, there are no guarantees in life.

cosima · 16/05/2008 08:56

I think its normal to worry but there is no point worrying about something that hasn't happened. I worried all the way through my pregnancy aswell but the best thing you can do is THINK POSITIVE, force yourself, that is all you can do

UmmFulaan · 16/05/2008 09:50

im 31 weeks in my first pregnancy, and i have complicatgions- am i worried that the baby will have a disability? yes..for her sake!!!

i worry how people will be aroudn her? treat her?

i dont tink it is possible for me to love her ne less, i have carried her, been through so much with her, all the emotions, all the current problems... ( right kidney failed, talipes) yeh i worry how she will cope in boot and bars? what her life will be like?
loving her any less-no way! she is my baby and i already lover her unconditionally.

MPD · 16/05/2008 11:28

Essie

I think it is perfectly legitimate to worry about your child having a major disability. As some one also expecting my firts child it is something I think about.(although not obsessively so).

If I had a child that required 24 hr care etc Iam not sure I would be able to love him/her. I think a part of me would resent it, as it would cause a fundamental shift im my realtionship and life.

I do get a bit annoyed on these threads when people are told they "will love their baby no matter what". Who knows? There are lots of people who give birth to non-diabled children who don't.

2shoes · 16/05/2008 11:43

there is an answer to that MPD but i don't think you would like it.
the people who have posted on here(me includied) saying you can love a child with a disibilty are talking from rl expierence.

MPD · 16/05/2008 11:47

Yes, you are talking from you experenice. Yon cannot generalise for everyone else.

FioFio · 16/05/2008 11:51

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TotalChaos · 16/05/2008 11:52

as 2shoes says if you look on the SN board you will find lots of parents who love all their children dearly, whether they have SN or not. Yes, whether you have children with SN or not, sometimes as parents we resent our perceived limitations/responsibilities due to having children. But that isn't incompatible with loving our kids.

wannaBe · 16/05/2008 11:57

"If I had a child that required 24 hr care etc Iam not sure I would be able to love him/her.". Then you shouldn't have children IMO. People who feel they could not love a baby who is not perfect shouldn't be having babies at all.

You know it is perfectly normal to worry. It is perfectly natural to be afraid of the unknown. To not knkow how/or even if you would cope if you had a child with a serious disability. But considering children with disabilities are somehow less worthy of love than those without is not ok, It really isn't. And I am both and that people seem to think it's ok to make such public statements that the disabled are less worthy of love than the non disabled. and it makes me that a lot of these "unloveable" disabled people often don't even have the capasity to realize that their are ignorant people out there that consider them less worthwhile than themselves.

NotABanana · 16/05/2008 11:59

When I thought my DC3 was going to have problems it made me bond with him even more, love him even more, and be even more protective than I had been before.

TheProvincialLady · 16/05/2008 12:00

MPD the point is that you are talking withouth any experience. None of us do until we have our children. You can't predict how you will feel about them no matter how much you think about it. I thought I would love my baby unconditionally from the moment I clapped eyes on him because that is what I had been told - I didn't, because of a traumatic birth, but I soon did and it was nothing like I thought it would be.

I think it is perfectly normal to hope that your child will be 100% perfect (and gifted, and beautiful and charming and all the other things people are competitive over), but it is not normal to think that a child is not worthy of your love if it isn't.

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