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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Christmas and in laws and boundaries

88 replies

FrostyBear1 · 14/11/2024 22:35

Hi all

After some honest advice please- am
I being unreasonable?

I am due to have an elective C-section next week at 38 weeks. I have to have a C-section due to previous traumatic birth with my first baby. Sustained missed third degree tear and at risk of complete incontinence if sustain further damage. Currently stress urine incontinence and urge bowel incontinence. We also then had a difficult newborn stage; reflux, colic, in and out of hospital for the first 6 months and NG fed. I’ve had a lot of therapy and EMDR for PTSD.

This pregnancy however really struggled with the thought of C-section; has felt like my death date and couldn’t see past it, felt like I was saying goodbye to my son when I left for hospital. EMDR has helped and I can see more into the future but still terrified of the pending C-section and trusting health professionals/ being in hospital again.

Anyway… the point of my post if you have stuck with me this far! Christmas with the in laws! We will have a 3-4 week old by then and they all want to come to stay 25-26th so will be 6 adults and 4 children under 4 in our house. I just do not want to have to host. Multi factorial- post op revcovery 4 weeks, newborn, up 2 hourly feeding, unsure what my mental health will be like post section, and I’m not anxious about it but more just being realistic, if baby is like our first then by 3-4 weeks we were in and out of hospital, again unsure what my mental health/ resilience will be like if turns out same/ similar. They just won’t accept the boundary though and keep pushing and then suggest staying in a hotel (2 of the adults) so we just have 2 adults and 2 kids staying with us at night and takeaway for food. But hosting is more than just that, it’s the other meals/ drinks (they wouldn’t help themselves, the entertainment etc etc). I would rather meet somewhere away from my home- half way rental for example, and not host at mine.

Am I being unreasonable? They think I am… they don’t know my history with first/ second pregnancy etc at all by the way

Thank you in advance

Frosty

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 14/11/2024 22:37

YANBU
Put your foot down with your OH. He should be the one delivering the message.

ZenNudist · 14/11/2024 22:39

Jesus. I'm all for letting in law's see baby but no no no again.

Possible compromise: in law's stay in hotel. Dont visit book restaurant for Christmas Dinner and all go. They pay.

catcurl · 14/11/2024 22:41

I am so sorry for your traumatic experience, hope your section goes well and is a healing experience all round.

I think this suggestion of basically people imposing themselves on you and wanting looked after is absolutely ridiculous.

I think your partner needs to tell their family that the plan is not happening, no negotiation or entering into any discussion, you have decided already that this won't work for you.

I would then suggest possible other octopus that might work for you, perhaps even Christmas yourselves and meeting between Christmas and New Year for a meal out somewhere?

Pipconkermash · 14/11/2024 22:43

They’re so far beyond unreasonable it’s insane, even without your history.

Who expects a newly delivered woman with a C-section and a newborn to host their Christmas?! Unbelievable. Your H needs to tell them to back off.

Caroparo52 · 14/11/2024 22:45

Sorry to hear about your past traumatic experience. An absolute No Way . Don't budge. Let dh fend off whining. Please put yourself and dfamily! First and foremost.

Quitelikeit · 14/11/2024 22:46

Can you not say not possible this year ?

whst does your husband think

LittleMissStroppyPants · 14/11/2024 22:49

It would be an absolute no from me.

I felt good after my c-section too.

No way would I have wanted to host Christmas.

As pp has said DH needs to deliver that message!

Why anyone would think that's okay to ask if you is beyond me.

Hope the birth goes well and is a positive experience for you.

Fraaahnces · 14/11/2024 22:51

I think you need to be very firm with everyone… put your foot down. Use very small words if you need. “I said no. I want the house to myself.”

Original poster
FrostyBear1 · 14/11/2024 22:53

Thank you everyone for your responses, I’m a bit overwhelmed as it’s nice to know I’m not going mad!

Other half has completely supported me but in laws just do not respect the boundary and keep pushing other suggestions and think we (well more just me) is unreasonable and ungrateful for their effort to visit (live 2.5 hours away. Suggesting other things like all stay in hotel and just come in the day, or do this 26-27 instead… I don’t know if you guys think any of those suggestions make it more reasonable?

I still just don’t want everyone in my house… not being rude but it’s a lot of people in our space and as I explained above lots of reasons I’m trying to protect myself. I may feel and be managing great by then, but equally am realistic I may not and just don’t want to commit to a plan now not knowing

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 14/11/2024 22:55

they all want to come to stay 25-26th

They can want what they like-it doesn’t mean it’ll happen!

What do you want to happen? I always preferred to travel to them and then we could leave when we wanted. Can you suggest that you go and stay with them for Xmas?

Bectoria2006 · 14/11/2024 22:58

No is a complete sentence. I think refusing to have any further conversation about this is the only way to go. They clearly think they will wear you down by pushing.

I hope all goes well with the c-section and you have a better birth and newborn experience this time. Do what you need to protect your mental and physical health.

Original poster
FrostyBear1 · 14/11/2024 23:01

Yes, would happily go to them but with baby under 4 weeks old we couldn’t keep in car seat for that long to go to them (2.5 hours between us all). My suggestion was meet half way so we would drive 1-1.5 hours and stay in a rental overnight and have the day either side m. But they just think I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful as they are offering to travel to us

OP posts:
Windintrees · 14/11/2024 23:03

is there a compromise of having the two grandparents to stay for two nights? Arrange to see the other family some other time. I am imagining the baby wakening the other three toddlers.
So, just your own little family plus two adults. Buy everything oven ready from the supermarket.

Tittibits · 14/11/2024 23:04

No. Say no and then refuse to speak about it. I got married when pregnant and had no family there. Us and two friends only. I explained to everyone that all I could think about and devote my time to was my baby. No headspace for anything else. I did let everyone see her immediately though!

they tried to push back but I wouldn’t budge.

fashionqueen0123 · 14/11/2024 23:08

Just say no. But I’d say fine let’s meet half way for Xmas dinner or they stay at a hotel and come round for the afternoon. So after lunch so you don’t need to cook. Your husband could do nibbles for dinner so no prep? Some kind of compromise. No way would I have them stay for two nights

FoxFaceRabbitFish · 14/11/2024 23:12

I think your in laws sound insane. Your only priority right now should be preparing for your baby to arrive, it’s incredibly unfair for them to be forcing this stress on you. Also it made me laugh that they think you should be grateful for them travelling to you to be hosted…! You’re being very flexible by suggesting the plan to travel and meet halfway. You would be completely justified in wanting to spend Xmas just at home with your partner and children, with no grand plans or expectations on you to do any hosting whatsoever. I hope you feel more confident to say ‘no’, and that your partner knocks this on the head with his family so you can all focus on you and the baby. I hope your birth experience this time is as positive as it can be. Good luck!

Soonenough · 14/11/2024 23:12

So selfish to try and demand you host Xmas with a new baby. Let your DH take the lead and tell them that he does not want his wife and children hassled by this. Just a calm family Xmas . Offer to meet for lunch halfway on 27th . They can entertain each other until then .

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 14/11/2024 23:13

I wonder if your DH could try something like
' thankyou for trying to include us in the Christmas catch up, but I think best to just count us out of the festive plans completely this year, we need to have a quiet one to let toddler ease into being older sibling, and us into being parents of two. Let's plan a video call for Christmas day (or whatever suits) and then we can talk about a family meet up in the new year'
I can't work out if they are trying to include you and think they are making your life 'easier' in which case they might be receptive to above type of message, or if they are pushy and difficult in which case probably less hopeful!
I really hope all goes well with the birth. For what it's worth, I had a fairly traumatic time with no 1 including emergency section at 31 weeks, hated the complete loss of control I had in everything. No 2 arrived 4 months ago by elective section and it was the most healing experience, full of joy and so calm. I hope you have a similar experience ❤️

Haveadayofflove · 14/11/2024 23:17

Your DH should be handling this, you need to put your energy into looking after yourself at the moment
Maybe he should email/text saying that it's 100% not happening and that they all need to make other arrangements and that you will see them in the new year
Once it's written down no one can doubt what he means and he can sign off by saying that it's not up for discussion
Such selfish behaviour from them

PermanentTemporary · 14/11/2024 23:22

Some people need to hear you say no multiple times before they listen. @ChimpiestoftheChimps nails it.

Icanflyhigh · 14/11/2024 23:26

Haveadayofflove · 14/11/2024 23:17

Your DH should be handling this, you need to put your energy into looking after yourself at the moment
Maybe he should email/text saying that it's 100% not happening and that they all need to make other arrangements and that you will see them in the new year
Once it's written down no one can doubt what he means and he can sign off by saying that it's not up for discussion
Such selfish behaviour from them

This.
100% - DH needs to curtail any discussion and state it is not happening.

CagneyNYPD1 · 14/11/2024 23:28

PermanentTemporary · 14/11/2024 23:22

Some people need to hear you say no multiple times before they listen. @ChimpiestoftheChimps nails it.

I second this. Your rest and recovery is so important, Tell DH that you have had enough. No visits over Xmas. He deals with it.

Motherrr · 14/11/2024 23:37

Absolutely not unreasonable
No one would want to host with all that possible stress and worry going on. Even if everything goes fine, it's still a worry for you now and not what you need.

Be firm - get your partner to do it

roseymoira · 14/11/2024 23:41

DH should send the nicely worded text from @ChimpiestoftheChimps

They do sound a bit pushy but as you say they don't have the full picture so won't realise how impractical it is

yehisaidit · 14/11/2024 23:42

4 weeks post-op recovery is optimistic. Granted you'll likely be feeling better but you still won't be able to drive / lift etc.

I've had 2 x EMCS and I wouldn't have wanted to spend over an hour in a car travelling somewhere 4 weeks after my op. I wanted to be at home where I felt safe and comfortable and could sit around in my over-the-belly PJs, braless, hair unbrushed and just doing what I needed to get through the day.

Your in-laws are being over-the-top unreasonable.

At this stage I would be saying no to all of it.

No visits over Christmas.

No plans to be suggested, let alone confirmed, until after baby arrives and you feel more human.

They need to back off.

Your DH needs to put a stop to it.