Christmas and in laws and boundaries

[FrostyBear1]

Hi all

After some honest advice please- am
I being unreasonable?

I am due to have an elective C-section next week at 38 weeks. I have to have a C-section due to previous traumatic birth with my first baby. Sustained missed third degree tear and at risk of complete incontinence if sustain further damage. Currently stress urine incontinence and urge bowel incontinence. We also then had a difficult newborn stage; reflux, colic, in and out of hospital for the first 6 months and NG fed. I’ve had a lot of therapy and EMDR for PTSD.

This pregnancy however really struggled with the thought of C-section; has felt like my death date and couldn’t see past it, felt like I was saying goodbye to my son when I left for hospital. EMDR has helped and I can see more into the future but still terrified of the pending C-section and trusting health professionals/ being in hospital again.

Anyway… the point of my post if you have stuck with me this far! Christmas with the in laws! We will have a 3-4 week old by then and they all want to come to stay 25-26th so will be 6 adults and 4 children under 4 in our house. I just do not want to have to host. Multi factorial- post op revcovery 4 weeks, newborn, up 2 hourly feeding, unsure what my mental health will be like post section, and I’m not anxious about it but more just being realistic, if baby is like our first then by 3-4 weeks we were in and out of hospital, again unsure what my mental health/ resilience will be like if turns out same/ similar. They just won’t accept the boundary though and keep pushing and then suggest staying in a hotel (2 of the adults) so we just have 2 adults and 2 kids staying with us at night and takeaway for food. But hosting is more than just that, it’s the other meals/ drinks (they wouldn’t help themselves, the entertainment etc etc). I would rather meet somewhere away from my home- half way rental for example, and not host at mine.

Am I being unreasonable? They think I am… they don’t know my history with first/ second pregnancy etc at all by the way

Thank you in advance

Frosty

It’s based on research. The research was monitoring the oxgygen levels of babies in car seats. The initial research showed the babies oxgyen levels dropped significantly so they had to stop the research project as it would have been unethical to continue.

I refused point blank to go to my in laws for my MIL’s annual compulsory Boxing Day gathering. It wasn’t far, but I had a 2wk newborn, post c-section and PPH. I’d also had multiple antepartum haemorrhages too. I was battered. She knew everything that had happened but I was still apparently selfish and unreasonable.

Your in-laws might be more understanding if they knew the bigger picture, some people can be extremely obtuse when a new baby is on the scene and need things literally spelling out for them.

Regardless, your husband handles this and if they think you’re being unreasonable, sod them.

I agree. Or say no Xmas and we'll host for Easter (if you behave).

I'd say no you're having Christmas with just your family this year and no one else. If they want to come for an hour or two at some point that's fine if you want but no more. Repeat grey rock!

If it helps at all I had an elective section after a traumatic birth for DC1 and it was so completely different, I felt informed and in control, was able to ask all my questions, it was amazing in comparison. Good luck 💜

Personally, i’d probably say no to anyone staying over. But from what you’ve said seems you don’t mind spending time together just don’t want to host, so, I’d suggest they stay in a hotel nearby & we could go for a nice Christmas dinner in a restaurant & boxing day get OH to chuck some bits in the oven and they could come over for a bit before they head back

Or, be really explicit with them about the situation and say that they’re welcome to bring and prepare food Christmas day themselves, but you’ll be recovering so won’t be hosting and it’ll be a chill one. Maybe if they know the full extent they’ll see it a little differently

It's hard because different generations may have different expectations but you have to put you and your baby first.

Winter time is hard too because that's when people are more likely to be sick, so you may not even want to be around people too much regardless of the occasion.

If it's possible for them to visit for a couple of hours, I'd go with that. 2.5 hours is not a terrible drive. Are you the only family they have in that area? It's awful that you even have to suggest other options.

NO NO GOD NO!
YANBU

What monster would do this to you? People are dumpkopfs

"sorry, that doesn't suit us, maybe when the babies are older". That is all. No discussions. They'll get over it.

They're MONSTERS

I'd refuse to see them at all.

NO, NO, NO! Chrstmas is OFF for you as far as anyone but you and DP and DC are concerned. How dare they try and dictate and foist themselves on you. A really firm line is needed and your DH must step up and deliver it. If he doesn't, you must. You are the person that matters in all this. i can't believe how people are ignoring your wishes and needs. Don't suggest hotel or airnib etc, or even going to meet them. Its just too much. State what YOUR intentions are, they will have to live with it.

YANBU but you do need to stop caring what they think. Stand your ground, be firm, but also don't worry if it pisses them off. You can't control how they will respond and their feelings cannot be your priority for so many legitimate reasons.
I hope it all goes as well as possible for you

It would be a hard no from me. Unless someone wants to come and look after everyone / be the host at your house and you’re happy with that, then absolutely no way. Close the door and hibernate for a bit!