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Original poster

Christmas and in laws and boundaries

88 replies

FrostyBear1 · 14/11/2024 22:35

Hi all

After some honest advice please- am
I being unreasonable?

I am due to have an elective C-section next week at 38 weeks. I have to have a C-section due to previous traumatic birth with my first baby. Sustained missed third degree tear and at risk of complete incontinence if sustain further damage. Currently stress urine incontinence and urge bowel incontinence. We also then had a difficult newborn stage; reflux, colic, in and out of hospital for the first 6 months and NG fed. I’ve had a lot of therapy and EMDR for PTSD.

This pregnancy however really struggled with the thought of C-section; has felt like my death date and couldn’t see past it, felt like I was saying goodbye to my son when I left for hospital. EMDR has helped and I can see more into the future but still terrified of the pending C-section and trusting health professionals/ being in hospital again.

Anyway… the point of my post if you have stuck with me this far! Christmas with the in laws! We will have a 3-4 week old by then and they all want to come to stay 25-26th so will be 6 adults and 4 children under 4 in our house. I just do not want to have to host. Multi factorial- post op revcovery 4 weeks, newborn, up 2 hourly feeding, unsure what my mental health will be like post section, and I’m not anxious about it but more just being realistic, if baby is like our first then by 3-4 weeks we were in and out of hospital, again unsure what my mental health/ resilience will be like if turns out same/ similar. They just won’t accept the boundary though and keep pushing and then suggest staying in a hotel (2 of the adults) so we just have 2 adults and 2 kids staying with us at night and takeaway for food. But hosting is more than just that, it’s the other meals/ drinks (they wouldn’t help themselves, the entertainment etc etc). I would rather meet somewhere away from my home- half way rental for example, and not host at mine.

Am I being unreasonable? They think I am… they don’t know my history with first/ second pregnancy etc at all by the way

Thank you in advance

Frosty

OP posts:
Throwingpots · 14/11/2024 23:44

Are your in-laws aware of everything you went through before? have you explained in as much detail as in your OP? I think you need to message them telling them all of the above as then surely they'd realise what they're asking is just not on.
All the best for the birth of your baby by the way.

Becles · 14/11/2024 23:44

FrostyBear1 · 14/11/2024 23:01

Yes, would happily go to them but with baby under 4 weeks old we couldn’t keep in car seat for that long to go to them (2.5 hours between us all). My suggestion was meet half way so we would drive 1-1.5 hours and stay in a rental overnight and have the day either side m. But they just think I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful as they are offering to travel to us

Why not:

*Drive for an hour and a half in that case
*Stop to take the baby out of the car seat for a while by stopping off at a cafe, library or supermarket; or at a service station if going on the motorway
*Drive for another hour
*Get to in laws

*Chill at the in laws' home for a few days

*Reverse the drive/stop process
*Get home

nozbottheblue · 14/11/2024 23:52

As often said on here: no is a complete sentence! Don't listen to their complaints or other suggestions.
Tell them what you are happy to do- staying over somewhere halfway between if you're ok with that- otherwise see you next year!

amispeakingintongues · 15/11/2024 00:18

Absolutely not, no way, even if you had super easy pregnancy and delivery, I would not think its reasonable to expect you to host anyone at anytime especially around Christmas so soon after birth.

Noseybookworm · 15/11/2024 00:27

Just say no, you've got a newborn and recovering from a c-section and you're not hosting anyone all day in your home. They can sulk, moan etc to your DH but you can refuse to listen to any of it. DH should be shielding you from any crap from his family. Stay firm and keep saying no.

SingingSands · 15/11/2024 00:29

Be bold and have your DH send the text that Chimpies has excellently composed. Send it first thing in the morning.

Any push back, just refer back "as we have already said..."

You poor thing, you don't need this stress right now - or at any time this side of February!!

desperatedaysareover · 15/11/2024 00:39

Just say well last time I narrowly avoided spendin the rest of my life shitting out of my fanny so I don’t want to plan anything, we’ll let you know if we’re up for socialising but I’ll need a bit of space!

i know it’s not dignified or whatever to write this sort of comment and it’s also nobody’s business but I did want to say to people ‘if I’d just had my genitals torn apart and my continence compromised in any context other than childbirth would you be looking to come and sit in my living room?’ Not a chance.

Anxioustealady · 15/11/2024 00:59

OP what would YOU like to do for Christmas? Be as selfish as you like.

I think plan to stay at home just immediate family and then if you feel up to it you can invite them but there should be no pressure to.

Imagine if your parents were hassling your husband about coming over to stay in your house so he can host them after surgery. It's madness. We wouldn't do this under any other circumstances.

Get your husband to tell them, and if they come to you say "no thank you. We'll be sticking to our plan". Mute them if need be, you don't need this stress.

I hope you aren't feeling too stressed, remember you have the power here, no one can invite themselves into your home without your permission. So glad your husband is backing you

StrugglingAlways · 15/11/2024 01:04

Way to early in your recovery.

You will be so stressed and preoccupied with it in the weeks running up to it rather than concentraing 100% on your new baby and health.

Get your OH to say No No No

I wouldnt even be compromising - staying in a rental will be so disruptive to your new born.

BibbityBobbityToo · 15/11/2024 01:08

Could you and baby move out for a few day and leave them to it?

Otherwise, I would shut myself away in my bedroom and stay there until they've left.

Guest100 · 15/11/2024 01:09

Send lots of love. I have had a similar experience with a third degree tear, and two c sections.

I really think you need to put your foot down on this one. I’m sure you will be feeling much better at Christmas, but sitting in the car for an hour and a half is not a good solution. Get your DH to insist they stay in a hotel and you all go out for lunch. That or just do a family Christmas with the four of you. If they keep pushing you to do what they want book a hotel for you and your kids for Christmas and kid leave the rest of them on their own.

congratulations on the new baby.

Thatcastlethere · 15/11/2024 01:29

YANBU just say no. It's ridiculous to think you are going to host Christmas when you've just had a C section and will have a baby a few weeks old. I'd be saying no guests in your house until you have recovered properly.

BabyMama889 · 15/11/2024 03:05

@Becles a newborn must not be kept in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes. So 1.5 hrs driving in one go is not doable

Lifeglowup · 15/11/2024 03:31

I would wish them a Merry Christmas and plan to meet them at Easter. You have enough on your plate and it’s time to put yourself first.

stayathomer · 15/11/2024 03:51

FrostyBear1

Yes, would happily go to them but with baby under 4 weeks old we couldn’t keep in car seat for that long to go to them (2.5 hours between us all). My suggestion was meet half way so we would drive 1-1.5 hours and stay in a rental overnight and have the day either side m. But they just think I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful as they are offering to travel to us
I wonder if there’s another way of doing it? This sounds as bad if not worse to be honest! You want to be home or in a normal house where you have access to everything at Christmas. Have they said they’ll help a lot? Tell your dh you’re not going to be a host or cook

stayathomer · 15/11/2024 03:53

BabyMama889
a newborn must not be kept in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes. So 1.5 hrs driving in one go is not doable
Is this a new thing? We lived more than half an hour from the hospital and I e known loads of people who had to travel by car with newborns. Honestly just wondering as my youngest is 9 now

remaininghopeful23 · 15/11/2024 10:19

I had an unplanned c section 3.5 months ago and I am telling you in no uncertain terms that I could not have hosted Christmas 4 weeks postnatally. You're still tired, sore, bleeding, caring for a demanding newborn and in all honesty not even really able to stand for long by 4 weeks.

Your in laws have to just get over it. They can push all they want but hand it over to your OH entirely, don't have any involvement in these discussions, and make sure he stands firm. Tough tatas that's what they want, you'll have many more Christmasses to come!

The other idea about meeting somwhere else I get in theory. But you're going to have your vulnerable little newborn baby in the height of winter/RSV season etc and when it comes to it I don't think you'll really want to be anywhere but in the comfort of your own home.

It all depends what you're comfortable with (remember your wishes come a mile before anyone else's) but potentially if they really want to come and visit you.. Let them host in your home? As in let everyone else wait on you hand and foot, you stay in your PJs, go get into bed as often as you want. Let them cook and clean and then leave you in peace to go to their hotel that evening. Just a thought.

Bottom line - you do you! Do not let anyone make you uncomfortable for the sake of a day. And speaking from experience, hosting would not be possible or enjoyable 4 weeks post c section.

Blueroses99 · 15/11/2024 10:31

stayathomer · 15/11/2024 03:53

BabyMama889
a newborn must not be kept in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes. So 1.5 hrs driving in one go is not doable
Is this a new thing? We lived more than half an hour from the hospital and I e known loads of people who had to travel by car with newborns. Honestly just wondering as my youngest is 9 now

Not totally new, my DC is 7 and this was the advice then. I think it’s to do with the changes to car seats to meet safety standards.

Mudflaps · 15/11/2024 10:36

Jesus Fucking Christ what sort of thick selfish prices are your inlaws? Sorry about the language but my blood is boiling on your behalf. Just stay at home, get as much rest as you can, have husband cook for you and toddler while you relax and get to know your baby and of course fuss over the new big sister/brother. NO visitors, No travelling to meet them halfway, No entertaining and absolutely No Guilt because you are doing what is best for your family. The in-laws do not need to be in your house, let them all get together in one of their houses, cook for themselves etc. Please please stick to what you want to do. They have no right to expect anything from you, they are being selfish, take a lesson from them and do what's best for you.

SnoopysHoose · 15/11/2024 10:38

No, I will only be a few weeks post op and not able to host, we'll get together next year. End of.

Birdscratch · 15/11/2024 10:43

You really don’t need another stressor right now. This Christmas, no guests, full stop.

I hope that you have a lovely Christmas.

FeelingSad2024 · 15/11/2024 10:43

EVEN if you hadn't had c-section, EVEN if you had a complication free birth and was out the same day, EVEN if baby is absolutely fine and no need for hospital visits (and I am sure baby will be fine btw) you will still have 3/4 week old baby at Christmas. Plus a younger child to care for and help to adjust to the change. They will be cluster feeding, they will be waking up in the night, you potentially might have a Velcro baby who leaves you nap trapped. If you are breastfeeding you will still be establishing routine etc.

It is absolutely barmy that anyone is suggesting that anyone comes to stay in your house during this period, let alone 4 adults and 2 children!

Just say NO!

I know its hard but don't be pressured by them, just keep saying no no no, no thank you, no. Don't accept alternatives as they will still end up in your space over the two days. Good luck OP!

pestowithwalnuts · 15/11/2024 10:47

If they don't muck in and help themselves. ....and just sit and wait to be fed etc..then they'd go hungry at mine..
I'd feed me and my kids and chill

Janella · 15/11/2024 10:48

When I became a mum I started being a bit more pushy, advocating for my baby's needs (especially around visitors/travel/hosting)

When I became a mum of two, I became hard-nosed and advocated for my baby, toddler - and crucially - myself. My MIL was briefly miffed and I acknowledge this, but didn't change anything. I was not going to sacrifice my own wellbeing to satisfy her excitement. She got over it, and we have a great relationship now. In time, she grew to agree with me that mums need to uphold boundaries as we are often the glue that holds the family together, often without thanks, doing a lot of the invisible stuff.

I think OP you'll feel relived if you bow out entirely this year. You can revisit the idea once baby has settled.

OAPapparently · 15/11/2024 10:51

Stick to no.
Ive been where you are, my second c-section felt like my death date for similar reasons and I cried as I walked away from my firstborn thinking I would not see them again.
For me (but it doesn’t mean it will for you) it triggered the worst Post Natal Anxiety. Even when I was back home from the c-section, my brain stayed in a state thinking I was about to die and triggered PTSD.
So, I would absolutely not accept the wider family imposing on you like that. They are being very entitled. You don’t need that amount of hard work on top of everything else. If they carry on pushing I wouldn’t engage any further with the conversations. If you don’t make plans with them they can’t just show up.