Christmas and in laws and boundaries

[FrostyBear1]

Hi all

After some honest advice please- am
I being unreasonable?

I am due to have an elective C-section next week at 38 weeks. I have to have a C-section due to previous traumatic birth with my first baby. Sustained missed third degree tear and at risk of complete incontinence if sustain further damage. Currently stress urine incontinence and urge bowel incontinence. We also then had a difficult newborn stage; reflux, colic, in and out of hospital for the first 6 months and NG fed. I’ve had a lot of therapy and EMDR for PTSD.

This pregnancy however really struggled with the thought of C-section; has felt like my death date and couldn’t see past it, felt like I was saying goodbye to my son when I left for hospital. EMDR has helped and I can see more into the future but still terrified of the pending C-section and trusting health professionals/ being in hospital again.

Anyway… the point of my post if you have stuck with me this far! Christmas with the in laws! We will have a 3-4 week old by then and they all want to come to stay 25-26th so will be 6 adults and 4 children under 4 in our house. I just do not want to have to host. Multi factorial- post op revcovery 4 weeks, newborn, up 2 hourly feeding, unsure what my mental health will be like post section, and I’m not anxious about it but more just being realistic, if baby is like our first then by 3-4 weeks we were in and out of hospital, again unsure what my mental health/ resilience will be like if turns out same/ similar. They just won’t accept the boundary though and keep pushing and then suggest staying in a hotel (2 of the adults) so we just have 2 adults and 2 kids staying with us at night and takeaway for food. But hosting is more than just that, it’s the other meals/ drinks (they wouldn’t help themselves, the entertainment etc etc). I would rather meet somewhere away from my home- half way rental for example, and not host at mine.

Am I being unreasonable? They think I am… they don’t know my history with first/ second pregnancy etc at all by the way

Thank you in advance

Frosty

This is your first xmas as a family of 4 .... its precious and you are especially vulnerable mentally and physically.

Stay snug, safe, protected in your own home.

There will be loads of opportunities to celebrate christmas or whatever to come.

No compromises. Just a flat "No - not this year" Rinse and repeat.

I think you need to shout at DH - You are not hosting people so soon after a major abdominal surgery, let alone having a newborn. You are not having the imposition of people hanging around your home. You will not be able to shop, cook, or prepare food for your little family alone, let alone add others, their time tables, cups of tea, snacks, opinions, messes, etc… you will be needing baby naps, toddler time, your own naps, etc, laundry, cleaning, sustenance, medical appointments, baby appointments, etc. NOPE NOPE NOPE He needs to head them entirely off at the pass and state clearly that the newborn phase is not about them and what they want. It is about you and your baby and what works for you.

@ChimpiestoftheChimps The message suggestion was perfect IMO!

Is this a tradition that everyone, always comes to YOU or do you take it in turns on who hosts? Its completely unreasonable. Even the suggestion of a few of them staying in a hotel! WTF! Who invites themselves to someone who will have a new born???

If it were me it would be a no to having anyone to stay - that’s what hotels are for (I might be up for the parents in law but certainly not the family with kids). I would however agree for them to use my house for Christmas lunch but explain that I would not be hosting. I would not be buying, planning or cooking any food and I wouldn’t be cleaning up either. But they are of course able to use my kitchen.

I think the fact that they won't respect your wishes, would make me not want to make any more compromises for them.

They are being utterly unreasonable and pushy.

I would let your DH have a conversation with them to calmly explain that this year it won't work out and you'll see them all later on once you recovered.

I would not let them push you to agree to something you are not comfortable with as that might put another pressure on you that you don't need. With your history of PTSD (I had the same following traumatic birth), I would absolutely put myself and my baby first. If they don't understand, then they are selfish and I would pull back completely.

Honestly, it makes me angry on your behalf that they just won't stop pressuring you.

Your DH should have a frank conversation with them if they don't stop.

Best advice from @ChimpiestoftheChimps , you don't go anywhere, no half way travel suggestions either. So selfish of them to not consider you in all of this. You will be post surgery with a newborn. It is one Christmas, they can video call you and see the baby. Do not compromise, just keep repeating the same sentence, this is how we are doing it this year.

On another note, best of luck with your c section. I had EMCS then an ELCS and the elective was incredibly calm, no one was rushing, everything was explained to me before they did it and they asked permission each time to do something. It was an incredibly positive experience for me and the complete opposite of the EMCS with a baby in distress and everything rushed.

Your in-laws have no respect for you and your family. Have your DH tell them in very clear terms you will have a family Xmas and thats it. If they keep pushing he just shuts down the conversation by saying there's no need to talk about it more as he already said no.
Chimpies have said above nicely and if they try to continue any convo after that DH just tells them the convo is closed.

Yes, you are being unreasonable, to yourself.
Why ON EARTH are putting yourself through this stuff?
I don't have any children, never hosted Christmas in my life and never missed on anything!
Please rethink and put yourself first, not other people.
They will let you do as much as you will do.
Crazy. 🤯

Abso fucking lutely not. No way!! I wouldn’t even say yes to 1 adult unless they were coming to help you out.
absolutely not. If they come against your will I would be going to a travel lodge til they left

With your baby’s birth next week your DH needs to deal with this and tell you not to give it a second thought.

Ask him to send the message that Chimpiest wrote for you, and then say you don’t want to hear any more about it. He will need to fend off any of their objections. It’s time for you to focus on yourself and prepare for baby’s arrival. Wishing you the best of luck.

You are very definitely not being unreasonable! Your OH needs to tell people that you are spending the Christmas time by yourselves, that you need to recover, relax (!), and have as quiet a time as possible. I can't believe that anyone would not think that.
Hope you do and have a lovely Christmas.

I'm quick to say when I think new mums are being precious, but jeeze, your in-laws are insane!

I had a very straightforward C section, and recovered easily, but no way in a million years would I have hosted overnight guests at Christmas! Recovering from an operation, with a toddler and a newborn, and hosting Christmas? How on earth can they think it reasonable to ask this of you?

No way at all. If they want to come on the 25th they should drive there and back on the day and bring a picnic lunch. They're being completely unreasonable. When I had my children, women having Caesareans stayed in hospital for several days.

There's no way you should be at home and hosting with a new baby.

Having said that, please don't worry about having a Caesarean. My daughter-in-law has just had one and I've been really jealous that I didn't have one

Even without your previous traumatic experience, anyone that expects to be hosted at Christmas when they've just had a baby needs to give their head a wobble.
My elective will be booked for week commencing 16th December and I won't be seeing anyone except my own household and I don't feel guilty about it one bit.

Sorry but the most outrageous thing about this is that they expect you to host Christmas with a 4 week old baby AND post c-section. I had 2 sections, was more than happy for IL's to come over the day we were home and as often as they wanted thereon because they were very respectful, only stayed for short periods, didn't expect me to do anything for them, and actually helped a lot, especially with my DD when I had DS. But hosting something like Christmas? Absolutely not, and I was pretty much back to normal 4 weeks post op but still - no way!! I can't believe they think that's anywhere near reasonable - stick to your guns!!

This!! I can't believe people!!
The most important thimg right now is focusing on yourself and your children: your DH needs to be the guardian of this essential space!
I wish you the best re the c-section, birth and recovery 🙏💐❤

I gave birth in December. 6 years later PIL still talk about how I cancelled xmas........I just refused to go anywhere and said people could visit the baby if they wanted to but I wasn't hosting other than to chuck a few quality street at them. Being blunt is fine. I always find other people's entitlement to newborn babies bizarre, it's the one time where the mother should be able to do whatever she wants.

Good luck with the c-sec and hope everything is better for you this time!

For gods sake I get so sick of seeing posts like this. Do NOT invite them to stay. Job done.
"Sorry, we'll be up to our ears with newborn baby stuff so will look forward to seeing you in the new year."

YANBU but your in-laws are beyond unreasonable.

Major abdominal surgery and a new born? Four adults and 2 kids who will no doubt be hyped up, invading your space expecting to be waited on hand on foot?

No, just no. How dare they treat you like this? Get your DH to put his foot down and knock this nonsense on the head now. Tell them you are not going anywhere and you are most certainly not hosting anyone over Christmas, as you will be having a quiet one just the four of you, as you need time to recover.

Tell them they can sort themselves out and you will see them in the New Year. And keep sending it until they get the message.

If it's only 2.5 hours would you consider going there and staying for a night or two? That way you could break the journey up with a long stop so baby isn't in car seat too long. We managed to get to my in-laws who are four hours away when both my kids were not much older by doing that although it obviously took most of the day! It would depend on whether you'd feel happy and comfortable when you got there though. If not I'd put them off for this year and may arrange to go for a meal half way or close to your home with them all staying in a hotel if necessary.

This is the only reasonable approach.

If I was coming to your house I would gladly be doing everything ... shopping/cooking/clearing. Will they not?

You have very reasonable reasons why you don’t want to host, but to be honest, you don’t need any of them.

Many women need to understand that you can just say no because you want to.

This.

Include something about not being able to make firm plans this year. (With the implication that they may have to change) Then onto your past experiences (aspects which you may need to expand on) mean that hosting isn't on.

TBH going out for the day may be a bit much too.

My DW had an emergency section. Fine, everyone ok. That child now in her 30s. 4 weeks post section she wasn't driving, couldn't carry baby no3 easily, could barely lift a kettle and tired easily.

You can't really host a full on Christmas this year.

All the best.

Gosh - what a selfish lot they are!

I am a grandmother to 7 and in this situation I would be falling over myself to do whatever was easiest for the new mother. What can they be thinking of?

Just state your situation - say that you cannot host Christmas this year at all - end of.