Sad not to get my dream birth

[SMLSML]

I had my second little girl 9 weeks ago and she was born by c section. My first little girl was born at the height of COVID in Nov 2020 and I had a very fast birth, midwives wouldn't let me come in when I wanted to as they didn't think she would come that fast, she did and I ended up having a 3rd degree tear and went into theatre for surgery to repair it. Second time round I was hoping for the dream water birth, however I opted for an induction as baby hadn't made an appearance by 42 weeks. The midwives broke my waters as I was already 3cm dilated but contractions died down and baby just wouldn't budge. After 2 days of waiting I eventually opted for a c section as I could go on anymore. My little girl has totally completed our family and I'm head over heels in love with her. My c section recovery was so tough, I found the tear so much easier to get back to normal from. We won't be having any more children, but I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how I get over the loss of my dream birth? Doesn't help I had a day or so in the birth centre room with the pool I so desperately wanted to use. Just get pangs every now and then of how I wished it could have been and the fact the c section happened to me along with the recovery just feels like some mad dream 😅 As mentioned, I found the recovery super tough and the first few weeks after the birth were a blur which I don't think has helped 😔 Has anyone been through something similar?

Why do you think a water birth would be the dream?
I had one- it was fine but I definitely had a much bigger high after my back to back stressful delivery as I felt a bigger sense of accomplishment. Try not to romantise what a water birth would have been like.

Do you have a healthy baby?
That is the dream birth.
Congratulations.

Hi OP - I know someone from my NCT group had a debrief at hospital after a traumatic birth, which helped her. If yours doesn’t fall under that category, I would say that all births are far from people’s imagined dream scenarios, and you can’t know what would happen if you had had a water birth - you may have ended up with emergency section anyway. Grass is always greener, and recovery from any kind of childbirth is no picnic. Congratulations

C section is harder recovery, so you have my sympathies there.

But don't romanticise water births. Dont buy into the competitive "all natural birth" nonsense because it's a slippery slope and it leads to nowhere but feelings of unhappiness, inadequacy and jealousy.

And it really doesn't matter.

A healthy baby is a dream birth. You just need to realise that and move on.

Posted too soon.

What I mean by that is that it doesn't stop with the water birth. It'll then be exclusive breastfeeding because "breast is best", then fanatical baby led weaning, etc etc.

It's all a bit much.

Let go of the idea of a "dream birth". Dont buy into the whole Instagram idea of motherhood.

Just enjoy your baby.

Childbirth in the U.K. is incredibly politicised and romanticised. We have been fed stories all our lives about what a "dream birth" is and that it is possible to attain if we just try hard enough. It is not. Babies are there to be born. They are to be born alive if at all possible with the mother alive too, and neither badly injured. The notion of a dream birth is basically a complete mirage. Some people may have births that are more pleasant than others, it's pure luck just like most other things in life, it's not something you can aspire to or fail at or attain.

What you can do is seek treatment for birth trauma. I'm sorry your births were difficult, seek treatment for that. But don't hold up an imaginary ideal as your expectation. It simply is not what birth is.

Get you are disappointed, but it could be so so much worse. Keep telling yourself you have 2 healthy children, many women across the world still losing babies including in the UK.
Speaking kindly as mum of 3, 1 emergency & 2 elective CS, who didn't get the perfect birth.
Enjoy your babies & try to forget about the perfect picture you were sold, personally I don't know anyone who had the perfect birth story.

Exactly this. One thing after another with motherhood.
one lady from my antenatal group got PND as she was so bought into natural births she get like a failure when she was rushed in an emergency c section.
you have a healthy happy baby- concentrate on that ☺️

I never understand these things. So much can go horrifically wrong with birth, it’s risky. You have a healthy baby through a very established method of delivery. You are both safe and well. So many people are not as fortunate.
Hooe you can get over these feelings and enjoy your healthy children

I think you just have to be grateful that you have two healthy children. Dream births don't really exist. My second child was a normal, straightforward, natural birth but it was not a pleasant experience and hurt like hell. Holding my baby at the end is all I can really remember as the mind blocks the rest out.....

You had a dream birth, you have a living baby.

You have a healthy baby, you had a dream birth

Thank you all, definitely needed that perspective on a healthy baby and of course I can't put into words how grateful I am for that, having two healthy children. I think I'll look into birth trauma/debriefs that the hospital can offer, thank you all again x

Isn't the baby more important?

No, both of them are important.

I'd second trying to get a birth debrief. We're sold such dreams, but reality has a way of intruding!

I had my DD 4 months ago, I wanted an epidural, in fact I begged for one, nobody would believe I needed it as when they checked 1 hour prior I was 1cm, when they checked again I was 9cm I was traumatised for weeks after. I finally got over it around a month after, I was just glad to have my baby and no longer cared how she got here

OP don't let people minimise your feelings here. You are absolutely allowed to feel this way - and especially if you don't plan on having another child / another chance to experience your dream birth. I don't think you are romanticising birth, i too had a vision of my dream birth even though i was quite aware how bloody painful natural birth was the first time. It is an honour and a sacred experience to birth your own child and natural to want to do it in a certain way. Inductions often lead to c sections. Much to be said about that, you might find likeminded women amongst the followers of kemibirthjoyjohnson on instagram who is a true gem and worth a follow even just for some affirmation and validation as to how you are feeling x

Thank you so much for this ❤️ as mentioned of course it goes without saying I'm so grateful and happy to have my two girls, they're everything to me. I will give the account you mentioned a follow, thank you again for validating my feelings x

Do you have a healthy baby? That is the dream birth.

This is so bloody dismissive. Infuriates me. Major surgery is not a dream birth. Traumatic births can cause lifelong PTSD, no one is saying a healthy baby is irrelevant, but a woman shouldn't be forced to dismiss a traumatic event in her life because she's supposed to be grateful. Insidious train of thought. And we wonder why rates of PND so high and why so many women are scared to ask for help, all this pressure to be grateful.

I don’t subscribe to the “you had a healthy baby, that is the dream birth” viewpoint. I had a healthy baby for which I will be forever grateful, but was impacted by my birth for many months and I think it’s important to recognise just how difficult birth can be for mothers. It can be a huge physical and mental ordeal even when, on paper, it was uncomplicated. Let’s not forget, we’re talking invasive procedures, extreme vulnerability, fear, pain, tearing, major surgery … the list goes on.

OP, it sounds like your first birth was very difficult and you were hoping your second would be a healing experience. It’s only natural that you might be left with some difficult feelings when it didn’t turn out the way you had wanted. Maybe speak to your midwife or health visitor or your GP if these feelings continue and they can point you in the direction of some perinatal support like support groups at your children’s centre, talking therapy etc if you feel that would be helpful.

Best of luck to you.

@SMLSML when is this claptrap going to end. You've got 2 healthy children, try to be grateful for that and stop ruminating. Child birth is about delivering a live healthy baby and for you to survive also. Congratulations to you and dad.

@BigAnne what is it about mental health that is claptrap? Do you say the same about efforts to reduce the male suicide rate? Or is it just women's mental health you deem as being claptrap?

Depending on how you feel, you might also find the PANDAS Foundation and Birth Trauma Association helpful. I did a birth debrief too and did personally find it helpful as it answered some questions I had and gave a bit of closure.

My ‘dream birth’ was maximum drugs and then a shit ton of chocolate and coffee from the hospital vending machine. 😆 How times change!

Sorry but don't be ridiculous. This is actually really fucking offensive to us who lost their baby in birth.