Sad not to get my dream birth

[SMLSML]

I had my second little girl 9 weeks ago and she was born by c section. My first little girl was born at the height of COVID in Nov 2020 and I had a very fast birth, midwives wouldn't let me come in when I wanted to as they didn't think she would come that fast, she did and I ended up having a 3rd degree tear and went into theatre for surgery to repair it. Second time round I was hoping for the dream water birth, however I opted for an induction as baby hadn't made an appearance by 42 weeks. The midwives broke my waters as I was already 3cm dilated but contractions died down and baby just wouldn't budge. After 2 days of waiting I eventually opted for a c section as I could go on anymore. My little girl has totally completed our family and I'm head over heels in love with her. My c section recovery was so tough, I found the tear so much easier to get back to normal from. We won't be having any more children, but I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how I get over the loss of my dream birth? Doesn't help I had a day or so in the birth centre room with the pool I so desperately wanted to use. Just get pangs every now and then of how I wished it could have been and the fact the c section happened to me along with the recovery just feels like some mad dream 😅 As mentioned, I found the recovery super tough and the first few weeks after the birth were a blur which I don't think has helped 😔 Has anyone been through something similar?

This.

It must be swings and roundabouts.
My 2nd dc was like your first, bad tear that needed repair. I recall having to crawl to the phone because it was so sore I couldn't stand up 4 days after having her. I answered the phone in tears 😂

I chose not to have another after that, so good on you for going again. I was told if I did have another it would be a section, which was one of the reasons we stuck at 2, I couldn't face the pain/recovery.

C section recovery is hard, but it’s temporary and you’ve got a healthy baby - isn’t that the dream? I am expecting my first in a few weeks and I hate all the “positive” rhetoric around birth, I’m expecting it’ll be awful, but I’m not worried, it’s about the outcome of the baby.

Oh jog on

No. Not well said.
Ultimately yes obviously a healthy baby is the most important thing. The poster is by no means diminishing that by expressing that the birth was not what she wanted and that recovery has been tough.
Post partum is tough. Be kind.

Exactly!

It's good to be realistic. But why expect it to be awful?
I dont mean to sound insensitive to the poster, and believe me I am grateful for my babies after 5 miscarriages.
But birth does not have to be terrible. I had 2 great ones. My second was an induction and it was as great as my first (homebirth) but it's a lot to do with mindset and not accepting that doctors will just do things to you and you lie back and take it. That sense of being empowered is what gives you the positive feelings, not if it was in water or not.
A birth that you perceive as good sets you up in the best way for the postpartum period and caring for your baby.

What dreams?

If you think birth is going to be easy, then you haven't been listening. It's horrible.

The serene mother sitting in a birthing pool is not how most of us will experience childbirth. The lucky amongst us will have a straightforward vaginal birth with minimal interference. The rest of us, well we'll be lucky to come out with a healthy baby and a healthy mum.

C sections are not done for giggles, the scars on your body will fade.

Take joy in your healthy baby, ask for a debrief if you think it woild help, but concentrate on you being alive with a healthy baby.

Believe me I went in with a positive mindset and challenged the midwives the whole way through my birth. I was more than informed on my choices. My body literally stopped having contractions for 6 hours and I was exhausted. I feel this kind of mentality only adds to people feeling like failures if it doesn't go the way they planned.

Thank you to everyone who validated how I feel and offered some amazing suggestions, I'll be looking into them all, can't thank you enough x

Why have you romanticised birth? All that matters is your child arrives safely and you are well. Instead, social media has made up this idea of what birth should be like, completely ignoring that it is something very risky and it is only due to modern medicine that more women and children aren’t dying.

The dream outcome to delivery is a healthy baby and a healthy mother. A healthy baby on its own does not equate to a dream birth. The birth precedes the arrival of that healthy baby and can be a traumatic and debilitating experience. No women do not have to sweep their feelings away until they're hidden any more than somebody who has a perfectly happy life should just cheer the fuck up if they suffer from anxiety or depression or somebody else should just stop with the dithering and messing about if they have OCD.

I experienced birth trauma. I had a long delivery, every intervention going, emergency surgery, a haemorrhage, transfusions and it was debilitating. I had PTSD, PND and it took 2 and a half years for somebody to refer me for specialist intervention. I cried for 2 years. I couldn't look at my body or in a mirror. I had flashbacks and nightmares. I hated myself and thought I would never feel joy. If I hadn't tried to bury it all, if I hadn't listened to the absolute ghouls who insisted a healthy baby was all that mattered, I might have been honest. I might have sought help. I might not have sacrificed 2 years of my life. And I do matter. As the guardian of the that baby, I had every right to speak about my health and my life and my feelings.

OP, it's early days. Do speak up about your feelings to a health visitor. Ask about a debrief. You are allowed to feel this way.

We spend so much time thinking that we can "achieve" things that are out of our control. "I got my dream birth", "we got our first choice school" and on and on through feeding choices and academic outcomes. So many things bandied around about achieving and deserving where motherhood is concerned. All failing to recognise that there are so many things out of our control. What we deserve is equality and to be treated according to our own circumstances and feelings, listened to and supported on the path upon which we find ourselves.

I had a second emcs btw and it was the happiest of processes. No less medical and not the home birth I'd tried for again, but I was well supported, listened to and free from the judgment of other people.

Congratulations on your baby. Things will get better re the birth of you are allowed to speak about it, rationalise it and work through your feelings.

My big girl is 17 and now, it was just the day we met. For a time, it was a black hole into which my mental health was being subsumed.

I'm sorry I didn't mean at all to imply they you were not prepared or empowered, just the number of responses on here displaying a total lack of empathy for your feelings shocked me and I was trying to give an example of why birth experiences matter.
Well done for advocating for yourself and the most important thing is to recognise that your feelings matter and that you get the right support to help you work through it.
Truely I am sorry for how you are feeling.
Your health visitor or midwife might be a good place to start to access support.

Does anyone actually have a "dream birth"? I think you've been on insta too often.

I don’t think there’s such a thing as a ‘dream birth really’. They usually seem to be some degree of awful.

I don’t know why the idea it’s going to be some sort of spiritual experience is pushed on women - it leaves so many women feeling like they’ve failed or missed out.

So - acknowledging why you feel that way, but also that the ideal you imagine probably doesn’t exist.

Oh yes, what a true true post.

i had a hideous first birth. Totally mismanaged and due to a birth injury DS1 is permanently disabled. But we are alive. And he's doing quite well all things considering. But I struggled and had awful PND. It took me a good 10 years before I came to terms with it, as much as I am able.

I think women in the UK are treated appallingly in childbirth- the fact that there are so many reviews and reports about failing maternal services is testament tp that. But you have to hold onto the fact you have a healthy baby. Please seek counselling. Please do not be like me who was traumatised for so long (and still has flashbacks 14 years later).

Thank you so much for clarifying. Totally agree with everything you've said and how birth experiences matter. I've been shocked too by the lack of empathy, I thought it would be a given I'm grateful for a healthy baby and never meant to hurt anyone's feelings when posting. Thank you again for the advice x

I'm sorry that both your birth experiences were tough @SMLSML , my second birth also slowed down and ended in a healthy baby, yes, but also PPH, emergency treatment and trauma for me. I totally disassociated for the first few days of my baby's life and it took me a long time to get through the feelings you are having of "what if". I particularly kept thinking that everyone says second births are quicker or easier, but mine had been harder and I felt cheated.

I'm so cross on your behalf at some of the dismissive replies on hear. It reminds me of a midwife in the hospital who, when she found me crying on the ward and I explained that the birth hadn't come how I expected, just said "no one's birth goes as expected" and left me. even though I was an informed and experienced mother by then, of course I knew and know that births don't go as planned but I was exhausted and sore and emotional. I just needed understanding; instead I felt like a small child being told off.

A birth debrief is definitely helpful, I also had CBT through my GP as the intrusive thoughts about the birth were impacting how i could care for my older child.

C section can be so tough physically and then add in the mental recovery plus post partum hormones and exhaustion - no wonder your first weeks have been a blur. Please ask for the help you need, don't feel you need to cope or just get on with it as you have a healthy child and should be grateful.

two things can be true- you can be grateful for your child and also struggle with what happened at her birth. It can also be true that you understand birth isn't easy and still have hopes about the way it will be.

My DC are older now, nearly teens. I look back now on that time and I'm proud of myself for doing my best in a hard time, for seeking help and finding ways to cope. I know you'll look back one day and be proud of yourself too, as well as still being grateful for your beautiful DD

They do. All of mine were where I wanted them and though there were the usual blips my memories of giving birth are positive. The op wants that and that’s fine. Why we don’t empathise on here is beyond me. Most posts are defensive. I didn’t get it why should you? Type answers.

Next time you post have a bit of empathy.

I don't think you can really plan for a birth to go exactly how you want it to. It's not like a wedding. It's an unpredictable event and I've never actually heard of people wanting a big planned dream birth. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Congratulations on your new baby

I think the biggest problem with feeling let down as you do, is that we are encouraged to have a 'Birth Plan' as though it's something that we can achieve, like planning the perfect wedding, baby will just arrive in the way we want and when we want just like that!
Whereas the truth is it should be 'Birth Preferences' so, if not x then y.
Meaning we accept nature doesn't always follow the same course and there may well be hiccups on the way, and if so we need an awareness of what might happen and what are the options, and which we'd prefer.

For you, congratulations and enjoy your new baby.

When you envision something to go one way and it goes another way and you have no more chances at experiencing what you hoped for, there is a grieving process that follows.
It is the same way if you had sons and wanted a daughter that you thought you’d always have. Of course you are grateful for your baby OP but it is okay to take some time to acknowledge and grieve for what you hoped for. It’ll get better quickly with a bit of time.

I think it totally sucks that in the UK in 2024 we still feel we should cowtow and be grateful for the often dire maternity services we receive. The stats and reports don't lie.
I am blessed to have delivered 4 babies in nhs service. I am forever grateful to the professionals who helped me to to that. But in those expert are several people who didn't do the right. Who, by the grace of god, and their colleagues , didn't get the final word or say as of they had at least two of my children wouldn't have come into the world safely. I knew this in this moment, I know it from the gaps in the notes notes and I know from my birth partners recount.
However, they are here, they are safe and I am ok.
But I won't forget.
It does get easier OP.
Keep talking about your experience, and if you feel you can, reach out to PALs. A shared experience can help you and b of use to prevent others experiencing the same.

Balance the dream birth against what you had to go through to have your baby alive in your arms - which is the dream outcome. You and your baby got through the birth. You did this and coped with the medical aspects. Talk it over with your midwife.

A healthy baby and mum is a dream birth. Before modern medicine the lifetime chance of a woman dying in childbirth was over 5%! Maybe be grateful for modern medicine instead of romanticising a "dream birth?"