Sad not to get my dream birth

[SMLSML]

I had my second little girl 9 weeks ago and she was born by c section. My first little girl was born at the height of COVID in Nov 2020 and I had a very fast birth, midwives wouldn't let me come in when I wanted to as they didn't think she would come that fast, she did and I ended up having a 3rd degree tear and went into theatre for surgery to repair it. Second time round I was hoping for the dream water birth, however I opted for an induction as baby hadn't made an appearance by 42 weeks. The midwives broke my waters as I was already 3cm dilated but contractions died down and baby just wouldn't budge. After 2 days of waiting I eventually opted for a c section as I could go on anymore. My little girl has totally completed our family and I'm head over heels in love with her. My c section recovery was so tough, I found the tear so much easier to get back to normal from. We won't be having any more children, but I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how I get over the loss of my dream birth? Doesn't help I had a day or so in the birth centre room with the pool I so desperately wanted to use. Just get pangs every now and then of how I wished it could have been and the fact the c section happened to me along with the recovery just feels like some mad dream 😅 As mentioned, I found the recovery super tough and the first few weeks after the birth were a blur which I don't think has helped 😔 Has anyone been through something similar?

My friend had a water birth and due to the ‘support’ of the water allowing her to bear down for much longer, she ended up separating her pelvis and was unable to walk at all for eight weeks. She had to sleep on the sofa in the living room and be carried to the toilet.

For me a dream birth is that the baby and mother are both alive and healthy at the end of the day…

You are not serious....?
I'm sorry that happened but you actually want to claim that water did that? That's just circumstance.
If she had her hair tied up at the time would you say that caused her injuries too?
Let's stop being ridiculous, please.
Bad things can always happen in birth, regardless of the situation. It can unfortunately go in a direction that we go not expect, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't plan for and prepare for our best case scenario.

Isn't that exactly the point though?

Bad things can always happen in birth, regardless of the situation. It can unfortunately go in a direction that we go not expect, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't plan for and prepare for our best case scenario.

The OP in this post was lamenting that she didn't get her dream birth but giving birth rarely follows any 'plan' no matter how well laid. The 'dream', surely, is a mother and baby ending up alive and healthy!

Honestly - please listen to this. It is spot on.

I genuinely don’t understand the concept of a “dream birth”. Birth is a process (and an unpleasant one at that) that we go through to have a baby. I don’t know if this will help, but - to me, it’s like saying I wanted a “dream wisdom tooth extraction”. Did all go successfully without any lasting damage? Then that’s a great result.

Congratulations on the new arrival!

Why am I not allowed to expect it to be awful? I have no less right than expecting it so be some magical experience. I don't buy into all this positive birth affirmations stuff. Bring on all the drugs. I'm not going to be disappointed this way. Glad some people do have good experiences but most people I know haven't, and that's my reality.

I think the OP has heard this enough times now. It's not helpful.
Effectively you are saying that her experience does not matter.
It does.
There is nothing wrong with hoping or wishing for certain experiences. Having a plan does not mean the person giving birth doesnt regard their baby as the priority. That's ridiculous.
Of course a healthy baby is the most important thing.

You do you.
Theres little point arguing this.
I had great births so obviously my opinion is that it doesn't have to be awful.
I genuinely sad for you expecting your birth to be terrible and hope you are wrong.

I didn´t have a dream birth either, cord round her so many times not long enough to come down the birth canal, so emergency C-section as she was quite troubled. Yes I would have liked to have lived through this moment when the baby comes out and cries and is put on your chest blah blah blah, but I had to kick myself and lower the dreamy expectations and tell myself that in my case my dream was that my child came out alive and healty albeit cyanotic and that I escaped with no injury.

My personal opinion is that c section means the hormonal sequence you'd experience in vaginal birth is disrupted and that can make your body feel kind of snagged and hung up, as if the baby hasn't really been born. A deep dissatisfaction.

Yes, a healthy baby is the main thing but you feel what you feel. I had c section first time and felt sort of intensely wound up, like I'd been attacked or in a car crash or something. A bit bereft and violated. In time I let go and those feelings went away.

You just need to make peace with it, give it time.

What an awful shame you felt like that. I had a c section and it was a wholly positive experience, nothing like you have described.
I will be having a planned section with this baby and feeling happy and relaxed about that.
It just goes to show that every birth story is completely different.

I have been seeing this post trend on first page and every time I see this again it’s gaslighting the heck out of me.
Lady, some people get pushed for unnecessary inductions, some people tear from one hole to another, some people beg for C section and are told no appointments are available for them, some people write their birth plan on apps and it gets deleted by healthcare staff. Some people are pushed into corners, some people come out with actual medical trauma after birth.

I just struggle to logically accept how can someone with a healthy baby in their arms have the audacity to complain in PREGNANCY forum about not having their “dream birth “
there’s some women reading this with babies in NICU! Or dead babies!!!
Dream birth doesn’t exist, it’s a medical procedure. Since the beginning of time women and babies have been dying at birth from bleeding, transverse babies, other complications and the only reason giving birth has become so safe at these times is because of the advanced medical aspect of it and professional guidance in place. We used to give birth in caves on rocks, there’s nothing romantic about giving birth. It’s empowering, for sure..that is if you get to walk away from it with a healthy baby and in good health yourself.

Ok I'm out 😂 with respect to the OP, who probably checked out before this post turned into usual mumsnet rubbish, I hope you come to peace with your birth and congratulations.
To anyone who reads this in the future,
the medical vs natural birth debate is not new. Both can coexist.
Do your own research and do things your own way.

I do not think it is healthy at all the normalise how the OP is feeling after giving birth to her 2 healthy babies There could be more to this like a struggle to bond, signs of post natal depression etc and it's important that the OP can differentiate between what are normal postpartum thoughts and feelings and what are not.

Of course we can all make a birth plan and visualise how it's going to be, we can watch unrealistic hallmark movies and create this romanticised picture in our head of exactly how things are going to go.

I would guess 95% of the time though, giving birth goes absolutely nothing at all like that! Expectant mothers should absolutely be mentally prepared for that, they should be told that any birthing plan is merely plan A and things might have to adapt and change along the way. Doctors and midwives might have to make split second decisions to save the lives of mum and baby. That is the ultimate aim!

Normalising extreme thoughts of regret and bitter disappointment to the extent that they are affecting the OP's day to day life and she is still dwelling on them now is not helpful at all. A fleeting feeling is one thing but when it starts taking over everything else it's time to actually seek some professional help and talk to someone.

Dream birth = healthy mum and baby.
It's really as simple as that.

This.

I had a three day labour followed by an emergency c section and I felt the same. Plus the guilt of feeling like I should be happy because she was here healthily and obviously that is the main thing. I remember snapping at a friend when she asked what it was like giving birth, saying that I ‘didn’t give birth’ because I honestly felt like it was a passive thing that ended up happening to me.

My perspective slowly changed over time as we’ve got to know our little girl and the dust has settled. I actually remember feeling at peace with the whole thing when my husband commented that whilst the emergency was one of the worst moments of his life, the fact he had to step up and do most of the nappy changes, picking her up etc in the immediate aftermath proved to him that he was capable and up to the challenge, so there was a silver lining I hadn’t thought of.

I actually love my scar now. It’s my reminder that I am made of tough bloody stuff!!

You are totally valid in feeling how you feel about it and I think you can mourn the idea of what you wanted, but time is a wonderful thing!

I used to be sad about things like this too-induction, failed at breastfeeding, fussy eating etc.
honestly-with the benefit of 15 years hindsight it doesn’t matter. There are many, many more challenges to come-just take what comes

Firstly, I do feel sympathy for you. But I will say that I also feel that the big problem is with ' the birth plan'. No woman knows until she goes into labour what it's going to be like, we don't know if it's going to be painful or not, we don't know if an unexpected medical emergency might take place, it's only afterwards that we can think ' of God that wasn't too bad', or ' that was so awful, I won't do that again'. And everything in between.
I understand that giving women choices is good, but I also think we need to understand that the aim is to deliver a healthy baby without undue trauma to the mother.

I had a "natural" birth - but wasn't allowed to move off my back on a bed, tore, I felt like my body went ahead of my head as I transitioned and I felt out of control and "lost" and without anyone helping me (there was a MW and DH there..it was how I felt in the moment) and then that I was being ordered to do things that I couldn't do....

This was 18 years ago, long before Covid.

There is no dream birth.

What there is is the safe arrival of a healthy baby. And various ways that happens. And some not so healthy arrivals as well.

If you manage to not feel like a lump of meat at the end of it, you are doing well.