Sad not to get my dream birth

[SMLSML]

I had my second little girl 9 weeks ago and she was born by c section. My first little girl was born at the height of COVID in Nov 2020 and I had a very fast birth, midwives wouldn't let me come in when I wanted to as they didn't think she would come that fast, she did and I ended up having a 3rd degree tear and went into theatre for surgery to repair it. Second time round I was hoping for the dream water birth, however I opted for an induction as baby hadn't made an appearance by 42 weeks. The midwives broke my waters as I was already 3cm dilated but contractions died down and baby just wouldn't budge. After 2 days of waiting I eventually opted for a c section as I could go on anymore. My little girl has totally completed our family and I'm head over heels in love with her. My c section recovery was so tough, I found the tear so much easier to get back to normal from. We won't be having any more children, but I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how I get over the loss of my dream birth? Doesn't help I had a day or so in the birth centre room with the pool I so desperately wanted to use. Just get pangs every now and then of how I wished it could have been and the fact the c section happened to me along with the recovery just feels like some mad dream 😅 As mentioned, I found the recovery super tough and the first few weeks after the birth were a blur which I don't think has helped 😔 Has anyone been through something similar?

Does anyone have the birth they dream of?

I was adamant I'd have a natural, drug free birth first time around. After 26 hours of labour and a high cavity forceps delivery, my baby was whisked away immediately to NICU.

Second time around I asked for every drug going. Labour was 20 minutes (only went to hospital as waters had broken and wanted to avoid rush hour traffic) so no time for drugs and baby was whisked away to NICU.

The dream of a healthy baby handed to me for immediate bonding never happened. But I have two beautiful, healthy children. Neither birth was how I imagined it. Talking to friends I don't think the birth experience was what they expected - for all sorts of reasons.

I know how you feel OP, and mine is probably going to be my only baby as he's ivf. I was so chilled about my birth plan ironically, bevause everyone I knew who had their heart set on something didn't happen that way.

I didn't expect an 11 days overdue induction, then no room on labour ward for 3 days so it stalled of course, then two failed epidurals with a back to back huge baby, 8 hours agonising labour covered in cannula, catheter, monitor pads, clip on babies head, blood pressure cuff, was so trapped so bloody awful, ending in a 3am emergency c section for a distressed baby who then came out 10lbs and screaming, and didn't stop screaming for 3 hours after. No golden hour. No breastfeeding because he had a severe tongue tie that went undiagnosed til 2 weeks.

He's one now and it still makes me sad that I don't have that glowing story of a painful but beautiful birth, but the Year of experience we've had learning to be parents and the miracle of watching our boy grow has been amazing, and that first experience, while so difficult, has helped us adapt and accept that things don't always happen and you want and it's OK. We took a baby home, it's OK.

Enjoy the next phase of your life, its so hard at first and a birth you are sad about doesn't help the baby blues so hang in there, it does pass xx

Definitely go for the debrief it does help.

I do think waterbirths seem to be pushed as the ultimate goal and I have no idea why! I say this as a mum who had a waterbirth and still had birth trauma as the big red button had to be pushed and DS1 pulled.

Birth trauma is seen as taboo and then that comes with its own guilt of why is this going around my head etc.

@poptake I was referring to "perfect birth" as claptrap. I had a traumatic birth experience where we both almost died due to massive haemorrhage. But thanks to excellent care we survived unscathed so no need to ruminate.

If it helps, the birthing pool was the biggest anticlimax of my life 😂

I had such high hopes for it and it didn’t kill the pain at all, just made me hot and sweaty whilst still in pain, and then cold and soggy when I gave up and got out! And i still needed a bloody section!

Very very few women get the dream.

JFC people she's only 9 weeks post birth, and recovering from a C-section. Show a little compassion. People are allowed to feel things and talk about them.

OP, I felt the same about my second birth. I work in obstetric theatres, and have zero illusions about labour and birth. My first had been a fairly standard induced vaginal birth at 37 weeks. Everyone says firsts come late, so it was slightly a shock to the system, but it was ok. Then everyone says seconds come quicker and easier. Mine decided to get stuck during another 37 week induction resulting in a C-section.

I felt so disappointed in myself. I'd delivered once by myself, why couldn't I do it again? What did I do wrong? My husband doesn't want any more children, so that was it for me too. It definitely contributed towards the PND I developed a few weeks later. I had a birth debrief which did help me to accept that it was always going to be that outcome. It might not have been the birth I wanted, but it was the one we needed. Time has also helped. Once I wasn't as achy and sore from the wound, I stopped thinking and dwelling on it. As baby got older, I got busier and didn't have time to dwell on it. Two and a half years on, it's barely registers.

For now, try to be kind to yourself. Get a birth debrief, and try not to ruminate on it. You will feel better about it one day.

My birth was a bit like yours failed induction then c section. I couldn’t care less that it wasn’t the water birth I planned.

Surely a dream birth is anything with a happy healthy baby at the end! And I think unfortunately your post may come across insensitive to others who have lost their babies in childbirth.

Ignore all the people saying you should just be grateful to have a healthy baby. You matter too - you aren’t just an incubator! You can be grateful to have healthy babies who arrived safely AND be sad that it didn’t go the way you planned, especially if you were hoping for a healing experience.

It may help to have a little “redo” - think about what appealed in a water birth and recreate that at home almost - so maybe spa music playing in the bathroom, turn off the lights and have lots of little candles everywhere. Get in the bath with baby, and DH if you want him to come in too. Just listen to the music, maybe play your hypnobirthing tracks from pregnancy if you listened to them. Then just enjoy some skin to skin, look at your baby like you’re seeing them for the first time. Snuggle and remember how tiny they are, sniff their little head. All the loveliness of a water birth, none of the pain, and no after birth! You could do a baby massage after, wrap up in your softest dressing gown or most favourite pyjamas, and just enjoy.

I'm really sorry the birth of your second child didn't turn out how you'd hoped @SMLSML. I was very lucky in that the birth of my second child was exactly how I had hoped it would be, and I felt it helped me deal with some of the trauma left over from my first delivery, so I can only imagine how you must feel that your second delivery didn't go as you'd hoped.

I remember reading an article about how some women who were disappointed that they weren't able to have the water birth they dreamed of were able to recreate a similar situation after their baby was born, and apparently it can be quite a healing experience. This isn't the exact article I read, because I can't find it now, but you might find something along these lines helpful. https://www.chilledmama.co.uk/post/a-postnatal-water-birth

I think we're both thinking along the same lines @Tryingtoread ❤

You need to grieve the loss of the dream birth, feel the difficulties of having your c-section. All of it, the pain was real, the distress was real.

BUT, let's not pretend that childbirth, the majority of the time, isn't a horribly painful process that kills women and children.

I used to say to myself that Mother Nature was a bitch who didn't care about individuals, she only cared about the species as a whole. If 10% of women would die in natural childbirth the species would still survive. I would have been one of the 10% if I didn't have medical interventions.

In the end, the biggest thing that brought me peace was the acceptance of the fact that it was ok to hate being pregnant, it was okay to hate the process of childbirth. It was necessary for me to have my wonderful sons who have brought me so much joy, and have given me a reason to fight through difficult times.

Having children isn't about a wonderful birthing process, it is about having children. You have your children now. It is ok to hate the childbirth you went through. Now you get to love the children you have.

(I would still have to be stopped from strangling the midwife who tried to prevent medical intervention by the specialists because she hated them, and caused me so much unnecessary suffering. Accepting isn't the same as forgiving....)

@Patty101 snap! That’s exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of. I’ve seen women post in homebirth groups who didn’t end up with their homebirth/water birth who did this and found it very healing ❤

I’m sorry you feel sad about it :( it’s really normal to feel this way. I did too. I weirdly even feel sad I didn’t get to experience a contraction. I went for a sweep and discovered baby was posterior lie on the umbilical cord @41 weeks so they whipped her out sharpish. My dd is 27months now, I had a birth debrief when she was 7 months old and it helped me so much, I don’t really know why but it did. Time is a healer too.

You are 100% “allowed” to feel sad that it didn’t go as you’d hoped. Honestly some of the replies on here are infuriating. Women can feel more than one thing at a time believe it or not, so you can be incredibly grateful for your baby whilst also feeling grief for how things went at the time.

The only thing I’d add from personal experience, is that 9 weeks pp is still really early. One of mine left me with mild ptsd for a bit and at 9 weeks pp I was still really consumed by it. That faded fairly quickly though once baby began to grow, and whilst some of the photos taken in those early days still give me a slight twinge of grief that really is all it is.

So please be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to feel sad. Then cuddle that gorgeous baby of yours! I hope you feel a lot better soon.

Birth is a stressful, painful, messy and traumatic business. Very few people have a 'dream' birth. And even those who do can have problems down the line in other ways. Be kind to yourself.

The first few weeks are always a blur. Actually lots of life is a blur. Just look for the little moments of joy and happiness and hold onto them tight.

My son died whilst I was in labour so your births sound like a dream to me! Please be grateful your births gave you living children❤️

There is no such thing as a dream birth. I was just happy to get through it without either of us dying. It isn't my idea of a fun time.
My dream birth was an epidural as soon as possible booked months in advance but I only got one after a whole night of agony. And I was exhausted and pissed off. Apparently there was no anaesthetist available that night.
I certainly did not want a natural birth.

I really sympathise - as someone who went through almost the same thought process I can say looking back now, 10 years later, that it was part of the reason I suffered with such bad depression post birth. I had to go back to the birth unit for something a few months later and had a huge panic attack.

As another poster said it doesn't end there - my son had severe tongue tie and even after a lactation consultant sorted it he still wouldn't latch. So I pumped all his milk for 6 months - every 2/3 hours day and night, and still doing night feeds. I overproduced so much that I had 15L in the freezer at one point. When I finally broke and gave him formula at 7 months I broke down and felt like I had failed him.

My mother formula fed me as if I am more than fine, but of course I want thinking logically at the time.

All of this was incredibly unhealthy and affected my mental heath during my maternity leave, I was a mess, blaming myself for not living up to the "natural" mother who pops out baby while smiling and listening to whale music and taking to breast feeding easily.

I don't know how we have got to this level of pressure for pregnant and post- partum mums but we are damaging so many women. The breast is best/biological norm women can get lost, I used to be one and I was so sanctimonious. 10 years later I can tell you that no one cares how I gave birth or fed my child. I know that's not a huge help now, but all I can say it one day this overwhelming time WILL pass and you will look back and feel grateful that you made it through a tough time, did your best, and you've raised a family with love. That's what's important at the end of the day

There are so many people on mumsnet who become outraged that people don’t want every drug going through labour “You don’t get a medal” etc!

You’re feelings are valid. I would not have wanted a c section, induction or pain relief. However, given the circumstance I’d have had them. The best part of any birth is having your baby in your arms.

I wanted a water birth for my second, and had one. But then got told my first one got stuck and I should never have had a water birth, what I thought was my dream birth situation apparently put my babies life at risk and I Should never have thought that was an option.

Absolutely this!!!!!

I totally empathise. My second birth was really unpleasant and I wasn’t treated very well and it bothered me very much at the time. As with all difficult things, the upset and anger does diminish over time but I know that doesn’t really help you now.
I do regret not contacting the hospital and asking for a debrief but at the same time I remember how much I had going on at the time so I get how I just couldn’t face sorting that out on top of everything else.
You will be okay, it just takes time. You’re very much still in the craziness of the early days so be kind to yourself

Well said!
Congratulations x

Hi OP, firstly I hope you and baby are doing well and that you're starting to recover.

I totally get how you're feeling - had a totally uneventful pregnancy, all lined up for birth centre with a water birth and had written out a birth plan. Woke up to what I thought were my waters going but it was a bleed, triage made me come in via ambulance and whilst getting booked into triage I had a HUGE bleed and ended up with an emergency section where they found we'd had a placental abruption. I think the speed/shock of it all made me feel like I hadn't given birth, and I do think it added to my PND. I found as well that whilst yes it's fantastic that baby is healthy, I felt guilty for feeling how I felt about the birth if that makes sense?

Does your hospital offer debriefs? We had one - it helped a little bit understanding medically what happened (actual cause of abruption was undetermined though), but talking through someone who had your notes in front of you so you can ask as many questions as you need/want might help?

We're undecided about baby 2, and even though it's been nearly 2 years I do still get pangs of sadness and 'what if' - I think the finality in yours and the potential in mine puts an emphasis on it too.

Anyway I'll stop rambling - be kind to yourself and take it day by day. Lots of love x

There is no such thing as a dream birth. All the versions are painful and difficult. You just try to make decisions that will help you have a healthy baby. That is all you can do really.