Maternity Leave and Finances 😣 💰

[KD1988UK]

My partner and I had been TTC for 2 years before falling pregnant with our double rainbow who is now 3 weeks old.

During that time we had discussed how the finances would work whilst I am on maternity leave. For context we have a mortgage together and my partner earns 6 times more than me. My job is well paid but I accepted the job 3 months pregnant, meaning I am not entitled to Statutory Maternity Pay (I live in the UK). We both made the decision that I should accept the job as it was a big payrise and leap in my career.

Anyway, we had also agreed that during maternity leave we had agreed that my partner would cover our joint costs and send me money to my personal account to cover my own costs and general living expenses as I wouldn’t be getting an income (aside from maternity allowance that doesn’t come close to covering it!).

Roll on to yesterday and we sat down to discuss the finances now that I am on maternity leave. My partner has said he will cover my direct debits in my account however, I am to use our joint for my general living expenses, and he will not be sending me an “allowance” as he put it. His reasoning is that it is less admin and we can keep track of expenses in one place.

My issue with this is that I would have no financial autonomy for a year. Whenever I needed or wanted to buy something for myself it would come out of the joint account. If the joint account ran low I would need to ask for it to be topped up. I am also hurt that he has gone back on what we agreed.

I do not want to be in the situation of having to ask for money it I need something for me or for the baby… our previous agreement meant I had some financial independence when on maternity leave, and whilst I appreciate him covering our costs, I am looking after our baby and taking a career break of a year to do so.

He is a kind and loving person but he doesn’t see why I have an issue with the above.

Am I being unreasonable?

Oh we're to start...

He earns SIX times your quite well paid wage. You have born his child, you are losing a year's pay and pension, plus the inevitable hit to your career progression.......

And he is penny pinching.

This is not a true partnership.

You need to dig your heals in now. Accept this shit and it'll be ever thus - and likely to get worss.

NB: How were outgoings handled before you went on maternity leave - given the huge disparity in incomes?

So we have a joint account where I would put in some money each month to contribute to joint costs and he would do the same, he would put in 3 times more than me. We would then use the joint account for food, bills and anything ad hoc for the household. We have separate personal accounts that our salaries go into and we pay for our own individual committed bills from them i.e our mobile phones, contact lenses etc.

I agree, it feels like penny pinching....if I needed to buy a winter coat in October for example I would feel like I had to run it past him, even though he has said that is not the intention. He said I would just need to let him know if the account ran low and he would add to it and I could get what I needed from the joint account. But I hate how I would literally not any autonomy.... his salary also means he would still have a large amount going into his personal account whilst mine would be zero apart from the money he would add for my direct debits.

I don't believe he is intending to make me feel crappy, he's just a very practical personal but I don't think he has considered the psychological consequences of what he is suggesting. I would feel like Oliver saying "please sir can I have some more"

Send him an invoice each week for looking after his baby, this should add up pretty quickly.

The only way the joint account would work is if all of his wage went into there and everything was paid out of there.

From what you've said it doesn't sound like he's saying you can't spend it out use the money, so can't you transfer the money (or "allowance amount" out of your joint account to your personal account?
Not sure if it just the monzo ones, but I can transfer from our joint account and don't need partner to auth it or anything. Just need my pin.

A portion of his salary would go into the joint account and his intention is that everything would then be paid by the joint account aside from his own personal costs and living expenses. It feels very imbalanced considering. I have said to him that I now feel like I should go back to work sooner. His argument is that I am now not bringing in any income so our finances has taken a hit but his salary more than covers everything and more without my salary so I don't really understand that perspective either.

I preferred our original agreement so I feel less like Oliver Twist!

Aren't you eligible for maternity allowance?

www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/what-youll-get

I thought it was either SMP or if not eligible, then this?

Yep I am receiving maternity allowance but the amount doesn't even fully cover my direct debits each month

Get married- honestly or don't put his name on the birth certificate and certainly don't give the baby his surname- time to play hard ball . What arre the mortage arrangements?

Unwise to have a baby with a man like this without the protection of marriage. Get back to your job ASAP, make sure he pays half the childcare and get your ducks in a row for the single life

We plan to get married next year...I honestly do not think he is intentionally being unreasonable, he's just seen it from a practical perspective and not considered the psychological implications of what he is suggesting. Baby is already registered with him on it and with both our surnames.

I think I need to sit down with him again and explain that his suggestion is not acceptable

His argument from your OP seems to be that it’s less admin to pay for everything out of the joint account… but he can still transfer money to cover your bills etc? So to me that argument is null and void because he might as well just transfer more while he’s at it. So maybe ask him again what his reasoning is.

As it is, I’d just transfer an amount myself out of the joint account. Again if he has an issue with that, then it’s more evidence that his argument about admin is bollocks.

And remind him how much it would cost to hire a nanny...

Firstly congratulations on the arrival of your baby.
I'm inclined to feel this last minute decision to change your agreement at a time when you are most vulnerable is a huge red flag. It's Financial control , whatever the motive.
I'd be tempted to go to my parent's home , raise a claim for child maintenance and to plan a very early return to work if you don't have savings to support you during your leave.

I agree....I don't understand the argument here. It's made me feel rather vulnerable when previously I felt content with how things were laid out.

Transfer most of it back out to you and tell him it needs topping up as you have paid the nanny.

Have you got provision for topping up your pension and paying your NI credits - thus can be done through claiming child benefit.

Being fair to him, it sounds from all your messages here that he probably hasn’t intentionally done this to make you feel shit - he probably just doesn’t understand how this makes you feel. Very often men just see the simple, practical solution (wife needs money - wife takes money from joint account - wife happy), without seeing the bigger picture (wife needs money - wife has to take money from joint account - wife feels like poor beggar in own relationship).

Hopefully a decent chat will help clear things up.

The op has said she's receiving may allowance. But, it is fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

I would be insulted. Allowance is just demeaning. Explain what you've explained here and see what he says then.

Unfortunately, you have very little you can do to now influence this.

I'm currently on mat leave and we pool absolutely everything into our joint account.(we have done this since having children) We also have personal accounts where each month we get the same amount direct debited to us for small purchases. Coffees out, my waxing, his golf etc but phones, memerberships and whatever other expenses we have come out of the joint including things for the children and childcare costs. Buying things for the baby should come out of the joint account regardless. The baby isn't just solely your expense. (Sounds harsher than intended)

This is a slippery slope. It needs to be rectified ASAP. You should be able to have access to your personal funds.

If it doesn't work then yes, by all means go back to work early. Your independence is worth far more than the stress you'll be under.

Please discuss and make it clear that childcare is a joint family expense not something you should be paying for when you do return to work.

If he’s genuinely not bothered what your spending and just doesn’t want to do an extra transfer. Can you not just pay your own allowance from the joint account?

Blows my mind you are even considering taking a year unpaid (almost) Mat leave when you’re not married. I wouldn’t even considering TTC until we were married. You have no protection. We are pooling all money in our joint account during those months I’ll only get SMP but we earn similar, but your situation is totally different. My DH actually said he felt weird sending me an amount to cover lack of income but fine to pool, and we’ll have to be very strict those months I’m getting SMP anyway. I don’t really have any personal financial commitments

That's very extreme! He may not realise how he is making her feel. It cam easily be sorted

Hm maybe you can try to think about it differently. You won't have an income due to looking after a joint child. He said to use the joint account, so use the joint account and stop feeling like you are using 'his' money, or need his permission to buy anything. When DH was a SAHD, I didn't give him an allowance, he simply used the joint account without asking permission for any purchases. Is that what your DP means, maybe you're overthinking it?

I am not entirely sure that I see the issue. It doesn't sound to me like he is penny pinching or trying to control your spending, just that it is less admin for you to use the joint account. Whether he transfers the money to your account or you use the joint account, it's all the same money isn't it?

I have to admit I think I'd find it weirder to have an "allowance" transferred to my own account than to simply use the joint account!

@renthead yes I agree an allowance almost feels more Oliver Twist to me than using the joint account. I think what’s unfair here though is all of her spending will be monitored via the joint account and all of his personal spending continues the same as before in his own account. I would hate the idea of my DP being able to monitor (and definitely judge lol) my spending habits. OP can’t you transfer the amount for your personal stuff (make up waxes etc) into your own account and then do all baby related and household spending in the joint account? That might actually set you up for a better approach moving forward as it makes it clear that baby and food etc is a shared expense and only your very personal items and clothes etc are your own expense?

I honestly don't think he's trying to penny oink h, I think you need to sit down and have a firm conversation with him and explain your point of view.

Have you spoken about what will happen re finances when you get married? What happens if you decide to work part time? It would be very odd for him to continue to build up his own private savings when married and have children together, the ideal situation is all family money is pooled. I say this as a married mother who's husband earns 7x my wage and all money is family money and we have personal accounts with small monthly allowance each.

Work out how much extra is needed, including pension top ups for you, and just get him to up the direct debit.

For example, you currently put in £200 a month and he puts in £600. You need £100 for your personal bills, £50 for pension, £200 for personal spending (£350).

Ask him to change his direct debit to £1150 (only one admin task compared to many to keep topping the joint account up each month). Then set up a direct debit for £350 to go to your account.

If he’s concerned with excess admin then this is the way to do it. If he refuses, it’s not about admin, it’s about financial control.