Maternity Leave and Finances 😣 💰

[KD1988UK]

My partner and I had been TTC for 2 years before falling pregnant with our double rainbow who is now 3 weeks old.

During that time we had discussed how the finances would work whilst I am on maternity leave. For context we have a mortgage together and my partner earns 6 times more than me. My job is well paid but I accepted the job 3 months pregnant, meaning I am not entitled to Statutory Maternity Pay (I live in the UK). We both made the decision that I should accept the job as it was a big payrise and leap in my career.

Anyway, we had also agreed that during maternity leave we had agreed that my partner would cover our joint costs and send me money to my personal account to cover my own costs and general living expenses as I wouldn’t be getting an income (aside from maternity allowance that doesn’t come close to covering it!).

Roll on to yesterday and we sat down to discuss the finances now that I am on maternity leave. My partner has said he will cover my direct debits in my account however, I am to use our joint for my general living expenses, and he will not be sending me an “allowance” as he put it. His reasoning is that it is less admin and we can keep track of expenses in one place.

My issue with this is that I would have no financial autonomy for a year. Whenever I needed or wanted to buy something for myself it would come out of the joint account. If the joint account ran low I would need to ask for it to be topped up. I am also hurt that he has gone back on what we agreed.

I do not want to be in the situation of having to ask for money it I need something for me or for the baby… our previous agreement meant I had some financial independence when on maternity leave, and whilst I appreciate him covering our costs, I am looking after our baby and taking a career break of a year to do so.

He is a kind and loving person but he doesn’t see why I have an issue with the above.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm just trying to get the clear picture...

this is what was previously agreed, that he would send to my personal what my salary was into my joint account so I would have some financial autonomy

So in your conversations, you have said that he'll pay for all direct debits from your account. Great.

And from this, he's going to put in what your salary would be every month? So for example you earn 3k. He's put that amount in every month?

As well as him paying all the bills? And your direct debit?

So from your "salary/allowance" why couldn't you continue to pay direct debits and have enough for normal expenses as you would normally? Other an entire salary is more than enough for maternity leave a month.

On another note. Just spend from the joint account. It's what a lot of couples do, what I did when on maternity. I find it more odd to be given an allowance? And yea my husband did look at the balance to check on how much was spent (to add to it if needed) but never once did he mention or question anything I bought.

I take it that's what your OH meant. He won't necessarily be monitoring your spend.

But you have said you are frivolous with spending, so was there any issues before having a baby? Did he ever have to pay for any of your debts?

Ok, but your partner is paying all your direct debits, so you maternity allowance + your savings are yours to spend as you wish, if you want to buy something and not use the joint account. What's the problem here?

Sorry only got about halfway through the thread but I agree with the poster who suggested that as soon as he does the transfer into the joint account, you transfer a lump sum into your personal (whatever amount you had previously agreed) and then use the joint for all the usual ongoing joint and baby-related expenses. That way when the joint runs low, you’ll be asking him to top it up for nappies or food or whatever, rather than your winter coat. He will soon see that his approach is silly.

Doesn't sound controlling or penny pinching at all that's your issue. Even the fact he can top the account up if you need cmon give him some credit

Give it a go and if he starts querying your purchases then you need to say it's not working

Have you applied for child benefit? You need it for your state pension. Is he paying into your private pension during your maternity leave.

He needs to set up a direct debit to your account. It's not difficult. If he chooses not to it's about financial control. I would consider returning to work ASAP.

So he's covering all the direct debits you normally pay, leaving you with your maternity allowance for your own personal spending? (And child benefit??)

And there is enough money in the joint account to cover day to day living expenses (which should include anything for the baby).

I genuinely don't see the problem unless you think that the amount of personal money you have left is not enough to cover your personal spending (which is day to day incidentals as he's covered the direct debits).

I have to admit I don't see why taking this money out the joint account is massively different from him just sending you the money.

I would just take money from the joint account myself.

Once I found out I was pregnant, we made our joint account, my husbands sole account with his wages going in to there, and I then had my own private account where my wages etc go in to. I then used the joint account like my own for day to day spending, and my personal one for savings and things for my child.

We are still doing this 8 years later.

What are your individual direct debits covering?

I have contact lenses and we both have phones and club subscriptions but both only come to 50 quid a month. Everything else is covered jointly

If your individual direct debits are covering things that are really joint bills then I'd look at getting them paid from the joint account.

I agree with this. Just ask him to increase his monthly contribution into the joint account and you’re done, right? Are you worried he’ll be able to see what you’re spending? Why would you be bothered about that?

@2mumlife sorry I meant frugal 🙈

I think how you normally do things is a great idea and I think every couple should do the same.

I see what he’s saying and it makes sense for him to just put it in the joint account and then you take whatever you need.

He will have to put more into the joint account and you may choose to transfer some into your own account if that makes you feel better but if not just spend what you need and ask him to top it up if it’s running low.

If just do one transfer a month to my personal account and use the joint for baby stuff.

I always find this sort of arrangement a bit weird. Surely when you've been together a while and have a baby you get equal fun money and everything else goes into the joint account with leftovers channeled into joint savings? So for this you'd keep your maternity allowance, he'd keep the same amount, and the rest of his salary goes into the joint account.

@TheSeasonalNameChange I would much prefer this to be honest...I think in general our joint financial management needs review

Thanks all for your responses! I have just explained to him how I feel and he was sad I felt that way and said he didn't intend to make me feel vulnerable and it was just an idea. He has asked me to say how much I need putting into my own account for my own living costs and committed spending and he will put money into the joint to cover everything else so that I have financial independence and autonomy ☺️

I'm glad that he understands but you really shouldn't need to give him a figure. I dont understand why he isn't paying the bills and splitting the remaining money so you both have equal fun money. You areeant to be a team.

I think you need to review your finances. When your working do you pay bill proportional to your incomes?

Have you told him how you feel about this changed arrangement? If yes and he is dismissing your feelings, is that something that happens generally in your relationship? If no, then I think you need to explain it to him, set out your ideal scenario and take it from there.

As some other PPs we have pooled all our finances for baby years, everything is joint and we each have an equal amount to spend or save as we like. I wouldn't be able to enjoy spending money on myself if my partner was skint (and we have both shared windfalls in the past for this reason) and my partner understood the financial implications for me of pregnancy and Mat leave. He even contributed to my maternity clothes because he recognised them as an expense incurred because of our pregnancy. This is all because we've spent years discussing shared values, see ourselves as a team and recognise unpaid labour is necessary to keeping our household running. If that's not familiar to you then would also be worth building those foundations with your DP.

Just seen your update, that's great! Glad you're able to have these conversations and feel heard ☺️

@ChangeAgain2 he needs to know a figure that covers my individual committed costs (direct debits) so he knows how much to send to my account plus what I think I will need for general living costs for my financial autonomy.

Usually we send a percentage each of our salaries into our joint account. However, we are now looking at other options where both our salaries go into the joint.

I just needed to know from others if my feelings were valid about about our discussion yesterday and he acknowledged that he didn't take into account how this may make me feel uncomfortable and he just saw it as easier for everything to be taken out of the joint account including my general living costs but he now acknowledges that having listened to me that it may make me feel uncomfortable that I will not have my own money and any autonomy for 9 months

Transfer yourself an allowance from the joint account into your private account every month after he gets paid, then spend whatever you like.

That's great OP. An alternative to him putting the money in your account is for all of his salary to go to the joint account and for you both to buy any items at all that you want from the joint account.

That's equality.

Same percentage or percentage based on your salary?

I don't understand how him putting the money in the joint account is any different to him transferring it into your own account? Surely you can spend from either account as you see fit unless I'm missing something?

I don't actually see the issue as long as he puts 100% of his salary into the joint account (minus enough to cover any direct debits he has) and you both spend from the joint account. That way you have transparency on what is coming in and going out and you both have equal access to joint money.