Sidelined on "family " holiday, feeling shit

[NeverDoneThisBefore989]

I need to vent. 24 weeks pregnant, with DH and his siblings and very elderly parents on holiday, in a mountain area. We live 6000 miles away and have flown home to visit family, one week with his, and one week with mine.

All DH and his siblings want to do is big hikes which are a bit too much for me. They're climbing a mountain today. They did a 20 hike yesterday. DH only did half of that yesterday and spent half the day with me. He hated every second and made it clear he resented it. I feel awful. His siblings are all ignoring that I'm pregnant (they're all child free so maybe they don't realize what it means). His parents are lovely but can barely.move and they just sit inside and do nothing.

I'm not even that immobile, I did two steep hikes, total of 8k yesterday so it's not like DH would be stuck inside!!!

I flew 6000 miles and instead of spending it with my own family or friends who actually want to be with me, I am stuck here. I cried all night. I have to plan itineraries I can do alone, how to get there alone, etc. DH's siblings won't even be pinned down do a lunch time so I can plan to meet them. They literally said to me "we'll text you where we end up when we're there so you can come to us".

DH had really bigged up this holiday, how we're going to do some lovely walks and has been talking about this stupid holiday for 6 months. I've never felt like such a spare.part in my life.

DH is realising he's being a jerk and is now thinking of bailing on the mountain climb. But he's clearly disappointed and is actually making me feel worse.

I just want to pack my bags and go to my mum's but it would really upset his very sweet elderly parents and I don't want to cause drama.

Your DH needs to realise where his loyalty lies. At 24 weeks you can still have lovely walks and lunches . Sounds like this is his first lesson in how having children changes your life.

Your DH is being a selfish dick. Once the baby is born, will he be doing the same?

If you live 6000 miles away I'm assuming your DH doesn't get to spend much time with his siblings. I think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect him to stay in with you and not spend time with them, especially as you're both with your family next week.
Take the opportunity to relax and look forward to seeing your family next week.

His very immature siblings are part of the problem. They're in their 30s. They're treating this as a massive hiking holiday but it was planned as a "treat" for their dad's bday. But their mum is ill and their dad is her carer. By fucking off every day, it means their parents have no company or help and are stuck by themselves all day. One of them could keep their mum company so their dad could go on a nice walk, for example (4 siblings so we could split in groups).

Their dad got irritated by the lunch thing yesterday as well and they were baffled why their dad was annoyed that they wouldn't even make a plan to meet for lunch.

DH is usually much kinder than this. I'm very disappointed in him.

Sounds like this is his first lesson in how having children changes your life.

Hit the nail on the head

@Travellingraspberry what about me and my family though? Why bring me here? It's ok for him to spend time with his family but I have to sit here alone? Also, we're all in a villa together. There's plenty of family time to be had.

@Travellingraspberry and next week with my family, he insisted we stay in a hotel and NOT with my parents. God forbid he has to have dinner with my mum. So yeah, he's a dick. And I'm having a baby with him. I'm a fucking idiot.

I'd seriously consider just heading off to stay with your parents

Why not just do your own thing? Chill out, small walks, spend a bit of time with the in laws. Let the rest of the group fanny about. Whilst it sounds like a bit of a rubbish holiday for you, getting really annoyed and angry is only going to make you feel worse. Enjoy the mountain views instead!

Hopefully your DP will realise it wasn't a good trip and won't book something similar again, especially with bubs.

Just go and spend time with your parents and abandon this holiday. Make up something for his parents to do with pregnancy, you need to go and get some checkup I don't know so they don't feel bad but if the siblings want to go do these things then literally zero point in your being there.

I’d let him get on with it. It must have been ages since he last saw his siblings if you live 6,000 miles away and it’s the last time he’ll be able to do all the long hikes all the time because next time they’ll be a baby to look after. I’d probably say you’re not feeling well and head off to your parents if that’s feasible, just because it sounds like a shit and really boring holiday but I wouldn’t hold it against DH and if it were me I would genuinely want him to make the most of the time with siblings he rarely sees before the baby comes. But like hell would I be stuck waiting around all day with his elderly parents when I could do as he’s doing and prioritise my family that I don’t get to see often either!

@NeverDoneThisBefore989 massive drip feed there! You never said about the break being for his dad's birthday or his parents being upset too, your first post was all about you.
Now you've added extra information yes, your DH and siblings are bring unreasonable if they are off hiking everyday and not spending time with their parents.
As for the week with your family, I assumed you'd be staying with them, you didn't mention the hotel in your first post.
Let your 'd'h stay in the hotel and you stay with your parents. I'd be tempted to stay there to be honest and let him fly back on his own!

😱 this is awful. So sorry OP. I’d stay with my parents and he can go to the hotel on his own.

It doesn't sound great but I think you're overreacting slightly. They obviously chose this location for the hiking they wanted to do. Your DH, being 6000 miles away, clearly doesn't see them much so is enjoying their their company. I don't see a problem. Can't you just relax and do what you want? More gentle strolls, read a book whatever. You say your DH spent half a day with them and half a day with you, which seems like a good compromise. He should continue to do this.
When I was 20 weeks pregnant I went on a skiing holiday with DH and his siblings. They spent a lot of time skiing which I didn't want to do, given my pregnancy but I just relaxed, enjoyed the scenery, did my own thing. It was actually lovely.

Just go to your mums!

Your PIL have raised selfish children but that's not your problem to fix. Don't get bogged down in their family dynamic.

Wow just read your updates. It’s like DH and his baby child siblings are leaving the company of his parents as your task - just like he may do when your baby is born.

I think you need very stern words now, and to make your position very clear. Would they be happy going off hiking leaving his parents if you weren’t there? If so, as pp suggests I’d be fucking off to your parents (and staying with them not in a fucking hotel) and making an excuse to his parents about why that was needed. I wouldn’t bother arguing with DH over it, as there will be a raft of excuses/delay tactics. I’d just go and send him a text once I’m there or well on my way.

Prick.

It’s a problem because the DH hasn’t communicated ahead of time this is what he planned to do - OP could have gone to stay with her parents and avoided the boredom and FOMO. It’s selfish.

Go see your family asap. Tell DH exactly what you think of his and his siblings’ selfishness towards you and his parents, but then leave him to it - don’t sacrifice yourself by staying to keep your in laws company.

Can you get a flight to your parents?

They are being selfish, all of them.

You could tackle it directly, for example, saying at dinner "as we are here to celebrate FIL's birthday, I think we should spend all of tomorrow doing what he would like to do, so FIL what's your preference? Should we all stay in the villa and then go out for lunch?"

If the siblings say "but we were going to climb a mountain", you can say "how does that celebrate your dad's birthday? I thought you were here to spend time with him?"

But I know the direct approach doesn't work for everyone.

Definitely don't waste precious time that could be spent with your family sat in a room on your own, waiting for others to come back from climbing a mountain 🙄

Oh that’s rubbish. I’d stick it out. But I’d be staying at my parents’ next week and telling him to spend time with his parents. Cancel the hotel. You need a break !

Let him get on with it.
The holiday won't be repeated next year.
Spend some time with his parents having a nice lunch and do your own thing. Relax. Treat yourself to time alone - read, bathe, sleep, eat, chat to PIL. It is not your honeymoon.

When you go to visit your parents, opt to stay with them for half the time, if that is what would please them and you.
Change the accommodation while you can get a refund.

Be happy for DH that he is trecking with his siblings and be happy thinking about staying with your folks.
It's fair that your DH accepts your terms of accommodation, particularly when you have been considerate of him.

If he's not bothered about upsetting your Mum, then why are you so concerned about treating his parents better than their own children are?

Go to your Mum's.

Don't accept this or you will have a lifetime of being treated like this.

As in, he can go to his parents next week. You know he’s going to be a dick to yours, and it will really wind you up after this week. So I’d just send him elsewhere. And tell your parents it’s that you need a break, so they’re not offended

It's only a week and part gone already. Could you and his dad take turns looking after mum so dad gets to go out for a while as well? I feel more sorry for his dad than you really. I'm sure he's been looking forward to this birthday treat which is nothing like he was hoping for. At least the parents have your company, if you weren't pregnant I assume you would be off with the rest.