Sidelined on "family " holiday, feeling shit

[NeverDoneThisBefore989]

I need to vent. 24 weeks pregnant, with DH and his siblings and very elderly parents on holiday, in a mountain area. We live 6000 miles away and have flown home to visit family, one week with his, and one week with mine.

All DH and his siblings want to do is big hikes which are a bit too much for me. They're climbing a mountain today. They did a 20 hike yesterday. DH only did half of that yesterday and spent half the day with me. He hated every second and made it clear he resented it. I feel awful. His siblings are all ignoring that I'm pregnant (they're all child free so maybe they don't realize what it means). His parents are lovely but can barely.move and they just sit inside and do nothing.

I'm not even that immobile, I did two steep hikes, total of 8k yesterday so it's not like DH would be stuck inside!!!

I flew 6000 miles and instead of spending it with my own family or friends who actually want to be with me, I am stuck here. I cried all night. I have to plan itineraries I can do alone, how to get there alone, etc. DH's siblings won't even be pinned down do a lunch time so I can plan to meet them. They literally said to me "we'll text you where we end up when we're there so you can come to us".

DH had really bigged up this holiday, how we're going to do some lovely walks and has been talking about this stupid holiday for 6 months. I've never felt like such a spare.part in my life.

DH is realising he's being a jerk and is now thinking of bailing on the mountain climb. But he's clearly disappointed and is actually making me feel worse.

I just want to pack my bags and go to my mum's but it would really upset his very sweet elderly parents and I don't want to cause drama.

OMG seriously suggesting that OP looks after DHs mum whilst he swans off having a laugh with his siblings? Jesus wept.

@SallyWD half a day with me and half a day with his siblings is a great compromise and what I suggested. Unfortunately, while he did end up doing it, he resented every second, barely spoke to me, walked 10 feet behind me and made me feel really uncomfortable the whole time.

They are going to be her babies GPs, and why not? She's at a loose end, the poor dad has been really let down how about a bit of compassion.

What is stopping you up and leaving OP? Will you need to rebook a flight or are you driving?

Your DH's siblings sound selfish, but your pregnancy isn't their problem and if they enjoy hiking and had planned a hiking holiday, do you really think they should be tailor-making each day to accommodate you? If so, I think YABU.

I feel worse for the elderly/sick parents, who were clearly hoping to spend a nice week with their DC to celebrate the dad's birthday, but they're stuck alone in a rented villa while their DC fuck off hiking every day and ignore them - that, to me, is far worse than not accommodating their DB's pregnant wife. Because, after all, you have a DH who should be accommodating you and the pregnancy he created. He's also the one who 'bigged up' this holiday for six months, most of which he knew you'd be pregnant during. Your DH sounds like a twat tbh.

lol “at a loose end”

Why on earth should she feel obliged to care for her husbands family when he can’t be bothered to? And let’s face it, it’s the dad’s birthday he will want to be spending time with his children.

But sure he can only insist for himself, not you. Why aren't you staying with your parents?

I feel invested in this as this is the beginning of a potential massive slippery slope. You accept this, and then you will accept him
doing it whilst your DC grow up, who is going to stay with the baby/child whilst he does the same thing again?

Woman as carer default needs nipping in the bud.

@Bumblebeeinatree she shouldn't HAVE to look after her PIL because their own DC should be spending time with them, because that as the point of the trip 🤦🏻‍♀️

The OP is not the hired help, nor is she the "default carer" because she has a vagina.

She's a pregnant woman, who is on "holiday" but instead of spending time with her H and his family, he's pissing off every day with his siblings, or being miserable if he has to spend any time with her.

The H should have done the honourable thing and said "we're going to go away with my parents and we're going to be out and about every day whilst you're stuck inside with your PIL, why don't you spend this week seeing your family and friends instead and we'll catch up after."

Then everyone could have had a good time.

Instead he lied, sold the holiday as some fantastic family bonding, then acted entirely selfishly and expects the OP to act as his parents entertainer and carer so he and his siblings can go off and have fun with a clean conscience; that is not a holiday for the OP.

His siblings did initiallt strongly suggest I spend the weekend with their parents. DH's sister: the "non-walkers can stay in and maybe go for a drive and meet us for lunch when we are done?"

I said, and I quote: "absolutely not. I am fit enough to go for a hike on my own, they are not my responsibility, I did not fly 6000 miles and drove 6 hours to stay inside with someone else's parents." There are 4 of them. One of them can be their carer.

Just go stay with your family/friends early... He can join you later as planned..
I can understand why he wants to see his siblings...and his parents are not your look out..

You do not have to be joined at the hip... Just say this is working for me see you in a few days..

Did you book/plan this before you were pregnant/early days..if it was 6mths ago... Neither of you i guess really could know how you were going to feel when pregnant... Some women can still hike etc others are on crutches...its just not worked out
As you thought....

This is your last chance for dc free time you should both be making the most of it...and for you it's being with your friends/family rather than stuck in a villa

This time and the next couple of years will be a massive readjustment.. you can't really know what but flexibility with each other and communication is going to be key .

If the trip was planned 6 months ago, was that just before you found out you were pregnant?

So if you hadn't been pregnant on the holiday what would everyone do? Swan off and leave the elderly parents alone every day? I've never even heard of a holiday where people go on massive hikes every single day. Surely you do a few and then other things too.

It sounds like they're treating the parents the way you would a dog, needing someone to draw the short straw and stay back to mind them. Sounds like a shit holiday all round.

I'd leave.

I would try to manage this in a non-confrontational way. Look, the activities you are doing are not suitable for me, I would love to spend this time with my family as I can't really join in. Have a great time and see you later. It's his only time with his family. You go and enjoy your time with yours. If I lived 6000 miles away I would not want to send my family off for the day and stay with my partner. Neither would I expect my partner to sit about at home. Surely you can both recognise each other's perspective and fix this easily. Just be nice to his parents but explain you can't join in properly so are going to head off a bit early. I would be really annoyed if someone was crying in the evenings during my one previous week with my family and I'm sure he'd rather you left and were happy. Compromise!

@averythinline I am actually very fit, I did 2 very steep hikes yesterday. But I can't climb a mountain or hike 20 k uphill, that's too much.

My family is a 2 hour flight away. So all this had to be organised in advance. I could leave but it would be a very dramatic exit since everyone knows I'd have to re-arrange Airport transfers and plane tickets.

What a bastard. I wouldn't hang around to be treated like shit!

The siblings including your DH sound very selfish and immature. It's not your job to take on care of his poor parents because they're too selfish.

But seriously it’s your holiday too. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Calmly and on your own contact the airline and transfer provider and see what’s doable. Then book it. Then tell DH and leave it to him to tell his family. Make up an excuse if necessary.

If you fold now because it’s the easiest thing to do, you will have years of the same when you have DC.

Thanks everyone for your responses, I am feeling shit and was looking for sympathy and I appreciate everyone's kindness. I am going to step away for the day because writing about it is making me more upset and I am getting more in my own head which is not good. I'll calm down and figure it out.

Just contact the airline and say you have a family emergency and one of you now needs to travel to the next destination earlier than planned - what are the options. Leave his part of the journey untouched.

It really doesn’t need to be dramatic. If the siblings find out before you go and try to turn into a drama, don’t let them. Just say it was easy to swap things round and that you realised you’d like to spend a bit more time with your family.

Just say that you can see that everyone is enjoying climbing mountains and you aren’t up to it and are feeling very homesick so are going to see you family early so they can all spend quality time together. Smile a lot and it doesn’t have to be dramatic just sensible.

It’s a week. Surely you can amuse yourself reading etc?

It’s such a shame that they’ve chosen to do the kind of hikes that actively exclude group members every day. Absolutely, if there’s a particular mountain climb that they really want to do, say “On X day we’ll be doing this”, but the rest of the trip they absolutely should be making an effort to include the rest of the family (mainly your FIL tbh).

I like the suggestion from the PP to bring it up directly as a question in front of everyone, asking what they’re going to do to celebrate FIL’s birthday.

I guess as well that if it had been agreed at the start, that during the day people would do their own thing and then in the evenings everyone would get together to have a proper family celebration, I guess that wouldn’t be so bad, but I think it’s the lack of communication that it would just be them doing what they wanted all the time and no real thought into poor FIL’s experience.

I feel worse for the elderly/sick parents, who were clearly hoping to spend a nice week with their DC to celebrate the dad's birthday, but they're stuck alone in a rented villa while their DC fuck off hiking every day and ignore them - that, to me, is far worse than not accommodating their DB's pregnant wife.

That. And that's the approach I'd take with your DH. "This was supposed to be a holiday to celebrate your dad, and you're all ignoring him, leaving him alone every day, and not even prepared to plan where to meet him for lunch. Can you not see how upset he is?"

I can guarantee that the parents are feeling even worse than you are. They will have been looking forward to this celebratory holiday and every single one of their kids couldn't give a fuck about them, leaving then alone in the apartment every day and rolling their eyes at the idea of actually planning to meet for lunch. At least you can do some of the hikes.

I could weep for that poor guy.

Your DH and his siblings are being totally unreasonable! This is supposed to be a family birthday treat for their dad and yet they're all buggering off up mountains and leaving him to look after their mum and you to do your own thing. Some birthday treat!
A couple of hikes would be fair enough but not all the time!
Oh and I'd take a pretty dim view of your DH having a strop because he was asked to spend half a day with you. Idiot.
Wrt visiting your family, if he doesn't want to stay with them then tell him to bugger off to a hotel but you will definitely be staying with them. Your husband doesn't sound very nice.

Just pack and leave early. No drama required. Just say you have enjoyed seeing everyone but want to give dh the chance to hike with his siblings unhindered and decompress with your parents. Sticking it out is just going to cause resentment.

Once home dh needs to adjust to a new baby and the changes ahead.