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Original poster

Sidelined on "family " holiday, feeling shit

83 replies

NeverDoneThisBefore989 · 28/04/2024 07:54

I need to vent. 24 weeks pregnant, with DH and his siblings and very elderly parents on holiday, in a mountain area. We live 6000 miles away and have flown home to visit family, one week with his, and one week with mine.

All DH and his siblings want to do is big hikes which are a bit too much for me. They're climbing a mountain today. They did a 20 hike yesterday. DH only did half of that yesterday and spent half the day with me. He hated every second and made it clear he resented it. I feel awful. His siblings are all ignoring that I'm pregnant (they're all child free so maybe they don't realize what it means). His parents are lovely but can barely.move and they just sit inside and do nothing.

I'm not even that immobile, I did two steep hikes, total of 8k yesterday so it's not like DH would be stuck inside!!!

I flew 6000 miles and instead of spending it with my own family or friends who actually want to be with me, I am stuck here. I cried all night. I have to plan itineraries I can do alone, how to get there alone, etc. DH's siblings won't even be pinned down do a lunch time so I can plan to meet them. They literally said to me "we'll text you where we end up when we're there so you can come to us".

DH had really bigged up this holiday, how we're going to do some lovely walks and has been talking about this stupid holiday for 6 months. I've never felt like such a spare.part in my life.

DH is realising he's being a jerk and is now thinking of bailing on the mountain climb. But he's clearly disappointed and is actually making me feel worse.

I just want to pack my bags and go to my mum's but it would really upset his very sweet elderly parents and I don't want to cause drama.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/04/2024 12:36

Nicole1111 · 28/04/2024 10:32

Take his parents for a nice lunch, or organise a nice lunch at home if his mother isn’t able to get out, thank them for their hospitality but let them know you’re not feeling great, and rather than wait around for your husband and siblings to come back each day you’re going to go to your mother’s early. Tell your partner you want to be somewhere where your feelings will be prioritised and spend some time staying with your mum, because his controlling behaviour meant you wouldn’t have been staying together next week. Now is the perfect time to show your partner he has to grow up, be less selfish and think about his unborn child and the women carrying them. Don’t worry about the drama. You need to set boundaries now if you want this relationship to be a healthy one.

This.

RefreshingCandour · 28/04/2024 13:24

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 28/04/2024 12:21

I think you sound needy and should be able to cope fine with a week of doing your own thing. What would you have done if your DH had suggested you didn’t come along and stayed home whilst he spent time with his family? Surely being away and having time to have a walk and relax, is still a lovely holiday. You might have to stay home in future when you have a young child and he rightly wants to spend time with his family (as you can then do whilst he minds your child for a week).

Your DH is making the most of his time somewhere new and enjoying hiking with siblings he doesn’t see often. Why can’t you enjoy being somewhere new? I can’t believe anyone could feel so annoyed at that after only a few days.

Next week is your turn to do what you want with your family. If you don’t want to stay in a hotel, then don’t but don’t be annoyed with your DH for being decisive this week if you’ve decided to go along with his plans for next week.

Massively massively naïve to believe the DH will look after the kid whilst OP gets to do anything on her own, if boundaries aren’t set now. And massive massive Hmm at “whilst he minds your child”.

1950s called, you’re needed back there pronto.

PeppermintPatty10 · 28/04/2024 13:30

JungleJimmy · 28/04/2024 08:24

Can you get a flight to your parents?

They are being selfish, all of them.

You could tackle it directly, for example, saying at dinner "as we are here to celebrate FIL's birthday, I think we should spend all of tomorrow doing what he would like to do, so FIL what's your preference? Should we all stay in the villa and then go out for lunch?"

If the siblings say "but we were going to climb a mountain", you can say "how does that celebrate your dad's birthday? I thought you were here to spend time with him?"

But I know the direct approach doesn't work for everyone.

Definitely don't waste precious time that could be spent with your family sat in a room on your own, waiting for others to come back from climbing a mountain 🙄

Exactly this!

MILTOBE · 28/04/2024 13:31

He and his siblings sound as bad as each other.

Their poor parents. They would be much better off in their own home.

Who paid for the accommodation?

Honestly, you're going to have a lifetime of selfish behaviour if you stay with this man. A lifetime of him "giving in" and walking behind you, kicking his heels. And when you need help, he'll treat you just as he's treating his parents now.

All of the siblings should be ashamed of themselves.

MILTOBE · 28/04/2024 13:34

Do his siblings live in that country? What's the situation in terms of them seeing their parents usually?

RhubarbAndGingerCheesecake · 28/04/2024 13:52

I could leave but it would be a very dramatic exit since everyone knows I'd have to re-arrange Airport transfers and plane tickets.

I'd look in leaving early and say to his parenst that you've not been feel well or included and just want to spend some time with your Mum.

My IL pulled some stunt when I was pg and interestingly sudden had to go mount climbing when I was 7 months with pfb- I waved them off with DH who came back tired and very sunburnt and not keen to repeat I spent day watching TV relaxing - but it wasn't my holiday and I wasn't wanting to be elsewhere like you with family - but it was a pattern of basically trying to make pg an issue and make be "other" and excluded - it's a patten that frequently resurfaces with kids as well.

I'd never do a holiday like this every again - and be aware you may be sideline by his siblings if they get a chance. I do feel sorry for his parents but their are not your direct problem and you leaving early may be a wake up call so they get better treatment.

saraclara · 28/04/2024 14:11

Who paid for the accommodation?

I really REALLY hope that it wasn't the parents @MILTOBE

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/08/2024 10:16

Nousernamesleftatall · 28/04/2024 09:10

It’s a week. Surely you can amuse yourself reading etc?

@Nousernamesleftatall

no, that would be proper boring.
the siblings can get a grip and stop being selfish.

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