Gender disappointment

[isabela0]

Anyone else dealing with this? I just found out my second baby is a boy. I have a 21 month old daughter that's my mini me and best friend I'm a girly girl and my daughter is too. I love it. I always saw myself as a girl mom and my husband as a girl dad.
Now I'm dealing with so much worry. I don't know how I'll develop a bond with a boy. I have no experience with boys. It's so foreign.
Can someone reassure me?

I didn't think I would be disappointed with either sex, especially after our first 2 babies died I just hoped they would live long enough to come home with us.

We didn't find out whether we were having a boy or a girl for any of my pregnancies. I knew once I was cradling my child after birth I wouldn't give a crap what sex they were. And I was right. To be honest I forgot to check with baby 4 as I was so relieved they were alive.

I suppose I'm a "girly girl" in that I love fashion, makeup, beauty treatments, shopping etc. and I have a boy and a girl. I think you need to think long and hard about what you think you can do with a girl and not with a boy.

I'm honestly wracking my brains and drawing a bit of a blank. Is it just that boys clothes are a bit crap (they are tbh)? That's such a minor issue. I love hanging out with my DS. He's my fab little sidekick and we have so much fun together.

This is the hilarious thing - people who are disappointed with a boy are just the type of people who would be disappointed with a girly son 😂

Just to reassure you that I have a girl and boy with a similar age gap. Adore them both. My boy is so special though, cuddly and loving and hilarious. I’m sure you will find similar. Congratulations!

Boys are amazing, and each child is an individual regardless of sex. Once you hold your child you’ll have boundless love for him, even if he wasn’t your ideal preference once he’s here you will wonder why you ever thought like that. Life is what happens while you’re making other plans after all!
Congratulations, some people can only dream of having a healthy baby, let alone 2

I have a daughter and a son, separated by two years. Both love unicorns and sparkles and pink dresses. My son is by far the snugglier of the two, and both are absolutely the centre of my world. Our bonds are different, but that is 100% because their personalities are very different and 0% related to their biology.

@SquashPenguin

I always think this with these threads. OP should head over to the infertility board and learn about real disappointment

Absolutely.

I have two boys and honestly would not like to parent a girl, in this or any society. Social media is a mess, the patriarchy is alive and kicking, females are at risk every day. I'm trying to teach my boys to be good men and I feel more confident in this task than in raising a girl, with no control over other people's sons. I know this doesn't help when you already have a daughter. I'm not going to say boys are better because of xyz, which is always the way these threads go, but I will say that you have a shot at raising a good man, and that is a very powerful thing. Besides, maybe you'll have a "mini me" and so will your husband, if that's what you're into 🤷

Oh and on the whole "mini me" thing - while my daughter and I share some personality traits, looking at our family you wouldn't believe I'm the mother to my two. They are very different from me and look absolutely nothing like me. I joke that I was just the incubator!! This is the lottery you play when having children, and your job as a parent is just to love them for who they are. Placing your own preconceptions onto them is unhealthy, and if there's one thing I've learned about having children it's that everything will be different to what you expect. And it's magical

We had a girl and hoped for 2 just as we knew what we were doing and had all the stereotypical girl things. We had a boy as our second and he is the most easy going, delightful little guy, we couldn't be happier with how it turned out and that we are lucky enough to have children, and to have one of each. It takes a little time to get used to the news. Congratulations, wishing you a healthy easy pregnancy x

Found out mine was a boy. Then at the next scan they were actually wrong and it was a girl.
I was ecstatic for either to be honest having had two miscarriages. Maybe a bit of perspective is needed here.

Oh my gosh OP, It was a bit like this for me, found out 2nd boy during lockdown under crappy circumstances too, (first was girl) always thought I'd be a girl mum too blah blah blah, wow was I wrong - its like oh I didn't realise you meant THIS boy, MY boy, my God op I love him so much. Someone told me boys are so affectionate too and this has definitely turned out to be the case here. He's 3 next week and he's just honestly the best final piece to our little family. You will laugh back at this moment when you're totally obsessed and madly in love with your boy!!

This is going to sound a bit harsh but your 21 month old daughter is unlikely to be your "mini me" or "best friend" forever and nor should she be. She may also not remain a "girly girl" (whatever you mean by that) as she develops her own personality.

You do realise that, don't you?

ETA My mother would have liked a mini me and was sadly disappointed in the end.

They will go crazy at you on here for this OP! But it's ok to have feelings, you're not wrong to feel how you feel and feelings do not make you a bad person or mother (despite how others will try to make you feel about this topic). When I was pregnant with my son I was initially told he was a girl and ended up pretty disappointed (he is now the absolute light of my life). I always only imaged myself being a girl mum and for some reason could picture myself and DP having two girls. I'm currently pregnant with a girl and now I'm actually worried I won't bond as well with her as my son as my son! My son is a complete mummy's boy, we have very similar personalties and have the same humour. The bond between a mother and son is really special, they literally steal your heart.

I think it's often boys that get hit with the "gender disappointment" card, because before you have kids of your own (when you fully realise you're the biggest influence on how they behave etc), when out and about in public it is often (not always) boys that you see being disruptive, loud, aggressive, destructive... and people say "oh, boys will be boys/ they just have so much energy/ they're so much more physical than girls". So you kind of think "yikes, is THAT what boys are like?" Because some (not all) parents blame bad behaviour on "well he's a boy, it's just how he is". It's poor parenting.

And of course most of us don't want that badly behaved, disruptive child. So I can see why it's a worry, as generally (not always) the expectation on girls is to be quiet etc, so societal expectations set our expectations of parenthood before we have kids. Then when we have them, we realise that boys and girls are equally wonderful when raised properly, and when raised not using the "boys will be boys" trope.

I live in a culture currently where girls are "undesirable" and it's the same here - the reality is you can have and raise both boys and girls well, by treating them as equals and having the same expectations of them in life, but sadly people here perpetuate negative stereotypes of girls, so people think it's a bad thing to have a girl.

@Uricon2 My "D"M also would have liked a Mini-me. I think I've been a bit of a letdown.

I'd have won that bet.....

People need to stop having kids.

I know you can’t help how you feel OP, but posts like this disgust me. Be grateful you are carrying a healthy baby, your baby, please don’t ever let your child know of your disappointment, it just isn’t fair. Good luck with your pregnancy.

This is so interesting! I had almost the opposite reaction! I wish i had felt the way you do! My feelings of trepidation when i found out my first baby was a boy were entirely because having experienced being a little girl and then growing up as a woman, i felt confident in my ability to raise a strong, confident woman. Having never experienced being a little boy, or a teenage boy, i have no idea about all of the things they experience in society, the impact of their hormones on their emotions, etc, and so i felt - and still feel somewhat - lacking in the insight i might need to help me in my job of raising a good man. As you say, the patriarchy is alive and kicking, and i worry about my ability to combat its influence on my boy, having never been a member of that club!

I'm doing my best, but i do think that we can't underestimate the power of society/community on our kids. People like the OP exist, pushing their gender stereotypes! And i still worry that as my son gets older he is going to be exposed to more and more of that, and i not only have the disadvantage of being a different generation to him, but i also just didn't experience growing up male in this society so i wasn't exposed to the same gender pressures/stereotypes he will be, so i just don't have the insight i might need to be forward- thinking about all these things.

Anyway, all that said, little boys really are lovely, and they do love their mums. My son has definitely asked me to marry him already!

Not sure why you got pregnant jf there was clearly a 50% chance of it ending up a boy.

I have two boys. I’ll be honest there was a tinge of disappointment when ds2
turned out to be a he-
we were too old to go for a third so sadness that I’d never have a daughter I guess.

But he’s absolutely amazing and so different to ds1 (also amazing in a different way). Now I think I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl! Boys rocks. HTH

I hear you.

I've always been comforted by the words of the great Russian poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko about the parents of adults;

"I am not in the world to live up to your expectations
As you are not in the world to live up to mine"

I stopped at your 21 month old is your best friend. She's toddler and you her parent.
You knew a boy was possible and you should be looking forward to seeing just who he is in his own way. He may also be girly!

Listen to this. Ignore the other more unhelpful posts.
You are allowed to feel the way you feel.

Nobody is supposed to be a ‘girl mum’ or a ‘boy mum’. You just have a 50/50 chance each time you get pregnant. You’ve ended up with one girl and one boy, it could have easily have been 2 girls or 2 boys.

I guarantee after he’s born you’ll back on this thread and wonder why on Earth you were worried.