39 weeks pregnant and feel so stuck

[TheLilacZebra]

Hello. Not sure where to start really. Have read a lot of posts on this from the start of pregnancy and have felt helpless for the longest time.

I will try to keep this short but there’s so much.

Have been with my bf for 3 years and we have an unexpected pregnancy. I couldn’t be happier to be a mum and knew from the first moment that I wanted this baby. My bf did not, and he tried his best to convince me to abort, when I told him no and that I would do it alone it’s fine, he told me that he would get on board and it was just a massive shock - fair enough.

A few days after finding out, he told me that he doesn’t want kids with me because he doesn’t want disabled children. (I found out a month earlier my cousin was confirmed with MD and his condition is genetic) This was extremely hard as a family to navigate and emotions were still quite raw - this wasn’t something I needed to hear from him, especially as my cousin was being tested for well over a year so he had plenty of time to tell me this before.

We went on holidays around 10 weeks pregnant. He made the whole holiday about him and drinking, I could barely move from bed from sickness. Despite this I would try my best to go to pubs etc with him so he could enjoy his holiday. One night at the pub, I was extremely ill, partially morning sickness, but also sick in all ways and could barely leave the bathroom. He wasn’t impressed when I asked him could we leave. Told me I was a boring f*cker and he’d never want to be with someone autistic like me. (I’m not autistic?) proceeded to tell me to raise the child by myself and that no one will ever look at me again bc I’ve been used. When we got back to the hotel he then told me he was going to punch my head in and that he was going to kill me. I had my back turned at this point and wasn’t even acknowledging what he had to say and had no energy to fight back.

Fast forward to now, nothings changed. I have been in agony a lot of days from pregnancy. I am a teacher and work long hours in school, then come home to plan and mark and could be working from 8 that morning to 11 that night. I am expected to keep on top of the housework and make dinner at the same time. Meanwhile he sits on the Xbox every night or his phone. He never asks or checks in on me.

He came to 2 baby scans - one hungover and stinking of drink and the other he sat on his phone. We had a scare with babies heartbeat and whilst I cried on the hosptial bed he sat on his phone.

I’m now 39 weeks pregnant and been having serious pains all over. He’s went out from 11 this morning to bet on horses and drink. Told me he’d be a couple of hours but it’s now half 10 at night and no word from him. No check in to see I’m okay, nothing. He doesn’t care to leave me in the house alone, he doesn’t care he got a pup at Xmas who he expects me to look after all day whilst in pain.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post. But I feel heartbroken that I’m even contemplating not having him at the birth. I feel I just want to do the birth by myself at this point and maybe I’ll feel happier with my little baby in my arms.

Did you ever end up going to court?

my worry isn’t the father I know he is far too lazy for that and also doesn’t have the funds for anything. Just about scrapes together money for alcohol every week.

my worry is more his mother pushing for it. She has just bought him a new work van yesterday, after only buying him a different van back in September. I know she will push for that kind of access. And how do I prove he hasn’t paid for anything etc?

They keep telling me he will 100% get access. When I have mentioned things done to me by then both in pregnancy and after birth they are both lying and calling me a nutter. His mum has told him not to admit to anything or to not speak to me when he is in visiting as they believe I am recording the visits to take my son away from them. I know if it goes to court they will lie through their teeth about everything.

this was not something I ever considered until the dad told me he thought I was doing that so now I have begun to record visits. And for the record in each recording he is grabbing at me acting like we are together, pulling at me in a “sexual” way which hurts my scar. So idk if having these will help my case but I just hope it doesn’t go that far and they just back down and leave me alone to enjoy my days with my son.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
Thanks for heads up re wrong thread- was walking and reading- not a great combo.

@TheLilacZebra It’s been years since I got divorced, but courts generally work for what’s in the child’s best interests.

They will be wary of an alcoholic.
Also-
The grandmother has zero rights as far as I am aware.
I did allow our son to see his grandparents as they were trustworthy and conscientious.
They kept him safe.
( he’s adult now)

But had I said no- there would have been nothing they could have done.

not yet! The children were so excited to hear about the news of my wee boy. And I cant wait to see their faces when I do bring him in❤️

unfortunately baba has had problems with his milk and is very cranky. I was lactose intolerant myself and have tried pushing this with the doctors. Not getting anywhere with them yet 😣 once he is more settled and hopefully on the correct formula I will be taking him in 🥰

We've sorted things out away from court but he doesn't behave like your little ones dad... he's just arrogant.

You are entitled to half hour free advice and any form of domestic violence/abuse automatically entitles you to legal aid. That's what my solicitor told me. My fees were £200 per hour I only saw her twice and her advice was invaluable. I noticed a few weeks back that my ex had sublet one of his offices to a solicitor firm... I wonder if they had a chat, because as soon as I told him that I had sought legal advice he backed right off.

Id have a ring around and try and get some advice, honestly, you may just need to hear it from a professional but you have all the rights and can call all of the shots.

I've not wanted to weaponise my daughter but at the time her dad can't just decide to turn up, get equal PR etc without proving that he deserves it.

I have been allowing the gran to visit whenever she wants. She just seems to be wanting more and more each time and before she kept pushing for an answer for when I’d be okay for me to take him out to her house.

because I have said that’s not happening anytime soon as I am his sole carer and he doesn’t know anyone out at her house that I wouldn’t feel comfortable. Also anytime I give a time for visits she never turns up on time and comes as she pleases. I’d worry she’d not leave him home at the time agreed too. Now that I’m not doing as she wants she is threatening with courts and told me “you need to be aware that we will be getting him 50% of the time, you do understand that don’t you”

she’s also pushed me in my first week after a section to go back to work. She messaged me the day before birth telling me to apply to teaching jobs (I’m a sub atm) instead of letting me enjoy my last day with my bump. Again yesterday she told me I need to be getting a job etc bc it’s not good to be sitting in the house. Meanwhile her son is allowed to lie in bed every day until 4pm. It’s laughable. She just wants me out the picture so she can play at being mum and babysit the whole day.

' he is grabbing at me acting like we are together, pulling at me in a “sexual” way which hurts my scar. '

I know it may be inconvenient ( depending if your parents work ) but do not be alone with him at any time. and being alone with him means his mother being present ! as she is not ' on your side ' !

if your mother gets up to make coffee etc. follow her and take baby with you

I’ve a meeting scheduled for Monday with a solicitor. When I spoke on the phone he was so calming (I was in a fit of tears) it’ll be the best way for things to go now at this stage.

thank you for your advise also.

Congratulations to you also on the birth of your little one 🥰 there’s no feeling like being a mother.

So he's actually assaulting you and hurting you?
Stop letting him in.
There is no reason for him to see his child if he cannot behave towards his child's mother.

I think you need to set out some clear boundaries with her.

You've been VERY accommodating so far but you owe her nothing, if she was a decent person and just wanted to see the baby she wouldn't be making empty threats to you (and they are empty, SHE would not factor into any access agreement and her sorry excuse for a son will not be getting anything close to 50%).

And how you spend your days/what you do for work is none of her fucking business.

Work out whatever you are happy with in terms of when, where and how often she sees the baby and make it clear that if she doesn't play by your rules, she gets nothing.

I would reduce greatly the amount of time his dm is seeing your dc. These early weeks are about you and your baby. Not trouble making toxic people
. Or before long you will be giving in to her taking your dc for alone time. This in the long term could possibly trigger her seeking access of her own. No dgps do not have automatic rights but any who have had long term unsupervised access may see a judge allow her an application
.. Any access your ex applies for will see him having appointments that won't include his dm in the room. They will quickly get the measure of him.

How are things now @TheLilacZebra?
Have you blocked his mother?

Thank you for checking in @TheShellBeach

i saw the solicitor yesterday, and a letter has been sent out which they should receive tomorrow I hope.

the mother phoned me on Sunday night, I answered as I had my aunt beside me for support and to witness how the mother speaks/ treats me (my parents have been away all week for my sisters wedding abroad. )

the mother was very hostile, asking why his name wasn’t on the bc. She said this was the worst thing ever, shouting down the phone. I remained calm and simply explained that the worst thing ever was having a father that kept picking drink and hanging out with his druggy mates over his child. She disagreed and that what I have done is far worse. She accused me of sleeping around to try and berate me.

The father knew he wasn’t on bc weeks ago so this again is the mother sticking her nose in. She shouted that she’d be going up to the council offices in the morning to sort this mess.

contact with both is completely nil. And going forward will be made via solicitors.

i know everyone will think I’m mad. But the father has spent the last 6 weeks saying he wants to be a family and that he will change. And as stupid as I am I had hoped it was true. Deep down I know I need as far away as possible from him but when someone is all you’ve known for the last few years and my life’s changed so drastically in a short period of time my head has just been all over the place.

on Friday evening he came in with the usual “I want us to be a family” … so I offered him to stay for bath time. He said no and that he had other plans. I eventually got it out of him that he was going drinking AGAIN.

when I questioned him on his priorities, he said “see I’m not actually going drinking, I only said that to see how you’d react” (manipulative??)

he still walked out anyway and didn’t stay for bathtime. I drove out to his house that next morning… no car there, his bedroom blinds open and the bed not slept in.

he came into mine later and told me he was sick all day from the night before. He was caught in his own lie again. This really was the final straw

Well, he's showing his true colours.

I think you've given him plenty of opportunities.

His mother can go to the council offices if she wishes. The BC is none of her business, and they will tell her that.

Well done on getting the solicitor's letter sent.

What a horrible man, not even interested in seeing his little boy being bathed.

They’re still going to fight for 50:50 and I’m not naive there will come a point where he will get to take my son out without me. I’m just hoping that’s not for a long time away.

i also spoke to our landlord yesterday, he hasn’t paid the rent for last month and told he he wasn’t working as he had broke his hand. She now knows this to be a lie too.

I feel so guilty for crying every day. and I truly do want to enjoy my time with little man. Keep thinking there’s no way out of this and I have never felt this low before.

Try to stay strong! You're a warrior for your lovely baby now.
I bet having him makes it easier to see what a wastrel the dad is.

Can you ask the LL for a payment holiday if money's tight?

Hi everyone,

I’ve just received a solicitors letter from the father stating that he is applying for a parental responsibility order and that they will be proceeding with an Article 8 contact application.

will he be granted contact? And how soon will this happen?

I’ve tried to be accommodating and sent a solicitors letter stating supervised visits only at this point but he’s declined and hasn’t seen his son in 4 weeks. And any contact before this was minimal anyway.

Make very detailed notes/records of his contact to date, if you haven't already. i.e. date / time / length of visit and phone calls enquiring re his son's health / feeding / weight etc.

not good on him if he hasn't bothered for 4 weeks.

I actually think that this is just a method of trying to control you.
I do not believe that he wants contact with his son.

I’d be astonished if he’s granted contact and agree he’s trying to control you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with it though. Also agree make sure you have records of everything he’s said and done (or not!), they’ll see straight through him.

Also, the solicitor's letter would have had nothing to do with your ex.
The mother would be behind it.

You need to know a solicitor will write whatever their client asks. For example I had a letter demanding I took down my new blinds as now exh was unable to see through my windows.. No judge ordered me to so I didn't. Keep all the letters... If and when you receive a court date then collect all of your evidence and get a shl... His dl won't be on the court... Can he fight for his dc alone? I doubt it.

I know he really doesn’t want the contact. Or if he does, he genuinely just wants him as a novelty toy to look at but not actually to parent.

I do know it’s his mother behind this all and even in the letter it stated that she would be there to help him which is why I’m not needed there to supervise.

they are treating my son like a parcel to be passed around. Stated that they wanted him on a Saturday 3-6… times that suit around him sobering up and her getting ready to go out. Would mean I’d never get to take my son out for the day as I’d be hanging around waiting for that. Whole thing is just a nightmare.

if it goes to court I hope I have enough evidence for what he truly is like. I just know how much they lie, I’d worry what they would make up and retaliate back with.

this may sound cruel or unkind, but please

reread your opening post
and then your subsequent replies.

make notes on all his behaviour too,
from the very beginning of the pregnancy - wanting you to abort, not wanting a disabled child

how he acted / treated you on holiday - the alcohol / the threatened violence

his behaviour and disinterest at the scans

I am sure you will have other incidents / behaviour / alcohol related incidents.

you have all this ammunition, and i think you are going to have to use it :(
it will take time, but you can do it - you are a teacher so you are an intelligent well educated human being.