Lost Best Friend Due to Pregnancy

[KD1988UK]

I feel like I have lost a limb 😔

For context, my best friend of 13 years had an abortion 4 years ago as her partner of 6 (at the time) didn’t want the pregnancy. She said she had to choose between her baby and her partner and she chose the latter. I supported her through it despite my feelings (she never really challenged him and hid her abortion from everyone as she didn’t want her family hating him).

Roll on 4 years later and my fiance and I have been TTC for a year and ahalf with two miscarriages (one required surgery). I FINALLY am now having a healthy pregnancy (20 weeks now). Although it hasn’t been easy due to severe morning sickness leading to hospitalisation and was considered high risk for awhile.

My best friend has been so incredibly unsupportive out of everyone. She never asks about the pregnancy and comes across as irritated when I complained of being unwell (even when I ended up in hospital). I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it (and it’s not like I would talk about it often anyway!)

I tried reaching out to her recently asking if everything is okay and she said she was fine 🫠
I even tried to explain to her that I am feeling lonely and seem to be losing people since the pregnancy and she turned it around and provided excuses for people and said my expectations are too high.

I guess I have to accept that my friendship with my best friend is over because I am finally having a healthy pregnancy 😔

Has anyone else been through this? I am heartbroken 💔

Hearing about pregnancy is like hearing about other people’s dreams. Apart from letting her know you are pregnant, what are you expecting from her? Can’t you just talk about the things you used to, there isn’t really much to say about being pregnant. I say this as some one who has had four miscarriages and a healthy baby. I honestly don’t remember talking to anyone about being pregnant (except my husband).

This is awful advice and encourages women to be isolated which can be very lonely and sometimes risky.

People still need their friends around them when they have children. The friendships might change and shift a bit but they're important.
We are still allowed a life and an identity outside of partner/mother.

It's a massive bugbear of mine when women (because the men aren't doing it) withdraw from friendships and don't make any effort when they meet partners and have kids. Partly because it's fucking rude but also because I know how important those connections are and lots end up regretting it.

How many threads do we see on here where women have been cheated on or abused and can't leave or even call anyone because they let their friendships drift and they've been isolated from family. Every fucking day.

So when a friend has a kid I hang out at soft play and play with baby Annabelle as long as there's the odd lunch/night out too because that's what you do.

I just can't relate to this at all!
I don't want to hear constant baby chat just like I don't want 24/7 on how amazing your boyfriend is or whatever else you're into but if I love someone then I want to talk about whats going on for them.

I want to hear how they're doing, how they're finding pregnancy, what's good, what's hard. I want to be excited with them.

I think some of these responses are really harsh. Friendship is important. Pregnancy is a big deal. It's not unreasonable to want your friend to care, and it's not unreasonable to be sad if your relationship has changed.

A close friend of mine (who is very anti having children, sees it as unethical) has become noticeably cold towards me since I got pregnant (baby now 5 months old), barely replies to messages and didn't ask how I was doing at all during pregnancy. I've basically kept a line of communication open in case she changes her feelings but I've emotionally disengaged. A colleague I worked closely with and was friendly with also refuses now to talk to me, hid from me at work before I went on maternity leave - she's since started IVF. It's hard, it's such an emotionally fraught subject it has a huge impact on many people for many reasons.

Luckily I have found other friends have stepped forward (mostly those with babies) and become closer and I've made new ones through NCT.

Congratulations on a healthy pregnancy!
I've been through this. I lost my best friend of over a decade when I got pregnant. She had been struggling to conceive, got pregnant and then miscarried shortly after. Devastatingly, she now can't have children. Although there was nothing I could do to make things better, I was there for her. Her husband (we were all friends) joked to me that if I ever got pregnant, she would never speak to me again. I never wanted kids, but fell pregnant after sexual abuse (won't go into details). I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. I haven't heard from her once since she found out. I sent her a message to say that I love her and will always be there for her but left it at that. I know she is still grieving. I wanted to ask her to be my daughter's godmother. I have kept my pregnancy quiet (except on Mumsnet, of course, where I tell everyone who will listen!), no posts on social media, and no expectation that people will ask how I am. It's actually been quite nice to focus on myself and the baby. Friends who don't have kids will not know what you are going through, not really. It's good to make mum friends and try to contain as much of the pregnancy and baby talk to those circles. You never know who may have fertility issues, who may be grieving etc. Enjoy your pregnancy, and find people to enjoy it with, but be very aware that others may be hurting.

All the best for you and your little one!

She is a bad weather friend. When she is in trouble she happily relies on you. But when you are troubled she is too laxy or selfish to do the support work Your situations are also inverse: you supported her through a tragic decision that cost her a child. She does not want to cheer you on to successfully attain what she had to sacrifice.

I think I’m like your friend OP. I’ve taken a step back from a couple of pregnant friends because they became so self important but never gave anything back, not even a text to see how I was. It’s lovely they are having babies but I have my own concerns and family to worry about and often it’s the dh not stepping up. It’s the equivalent of a bridezilla sometimes.

I have barely if at all spoken about the pregnancy, but when I couldn't even keep down fluids and hadn't eaten for weeks she told me to "grin and bare it" and later that week was admitted to hospital because I was severely dehydrated and my kidneys were at risk. When she found out she was indifferent to it.

I am constantly being mindful of other people and their emotions and feelings but it never seems the same is given. This is a time I needed my best friend, like I have been there in the past.

I have asked her numerous times if she is okay and what is going on it her life and she has said she's fine, and I have done this in person, on the phone and over text.

I am only connecting her abortion with my pregnancy because I have known her for 13 years where she and I have been like sisters and she's never acted this way. I have spent the past several years being her confidant and support pillar as she hasn't told anyone else about it, but now I need her she's absent. Becoming a mother has been such a painful journey for me, even when I needed surgery for my miscarriage she was dismissive. I am not weaponising it, I am providing context as to that potentially being the reason for her being distant and no matter what I do I can't seem to reconnect with her. I barely speak about the pregnancy but when I ended up in hospital and the doctor told me that my kidneys and baby ate at risk due to severe dehydration, I needed my best friend-and she instead seemed irritated that I had the nerve to complain about my condition.

Yes, I know that she and her now husband (same partner) are planning on having children but he is dead set on buying a house first then babies (she's 35 and wanted babies before then but this will no longer happen) and they are nowhere near buying a house yet. She disclosed this to me and I was there to support her during this discussion and was emphatic. I get the impression sometimes that she never has discussions with her husband about how she feels, and maybe it is easier to be distant with me than address such issues with her now husband.

I do feel like I have been carrying this friendship since becoming pregnant and I have been so mindful not mentioning the pregnancy due to what happened with her years ago, but I really need my best friend to talk to. Being admitted to hospital and told my kidneys and baby was at risk was traumatic and she seemed irritated that I was having a difficult time.

Thank you. Friendships are important to me and she and I have been like sister for 13 years supporting eachother throughout life's trials and tribulations. I know her very well but it now feels like there is a wall up. I have barely spoken about my pregnancy as I have been so mindful of what she has been through but ultimately there are times I need to talk about it, especially when I was in hospital when my kidneys and baby were at risk due to severe dehydration from the condition.

Sorry but I think this is an extremely unhealthy attitude. It's ok to ditch your friends and isolate yourself to just your partner because you're no longer a person, you're just something there to raise a new life!

Once the baby is here and she's at home under a non verbal baby and her partner is out all day, she'll absolutely need friends. I don't know anyone who went incommunicado for four months after the baby except where there was PND.

I do agree she's possibly dealing with complex feelings over her last pregnancy.

I just don’t agree with pp saying things like this. My best friend absolutely does care. As so do mine and DHs siblings. DHs best friend is excited too.
so are our friends with babies and our friends who just love babies.
i would never expect people to care, but they do, and that’s nice. And it’s ok to be a bit hurt if they didn’t, even if you know you can’t expect them to. It’s also normal for friends to care and ask about you if you’re in hospital! Or simply just be happy for you that you clearly wanted a baby and now you have it and that’s lovely. In the same way I don’t really care my friend gets a job promotion she worked hard for, it doesn’t affect me, but I’m still happy for her because it’s important to her.

Op i think your friend is probably a bit (understandably if she wanted a baby) jealous and struggling, or just actually doesn’t care as much, which is difficult if you make the effort with things that are important for her. I do think you need to step back a little from the relationship though because she should still be trying to do the right thing and check on you occasionally after you’ve been in hospital. It’s possible to be fair to her she doesn’t really know what to say about the pregnancy though or she is really struggling. Maybe just try not talking about being pregnant, and move her more to the ‘good friend’ and not ‘best friend’ camp, so you can chat about things and keep in touch but maybe not share everything anymore and just see how it goes. Maybe with time she’ll be more supportive and if not and you drift apart at least it’s not as sudden. That’s obviously really sad, but then concentrate on trying to make some new friends or work on other existing friendships perhaps, especially if you’re feeling lonely anyway

but ultimately there are times I need to talk about it, especially when I was in hospital when my kidneys and baby were at risk due to severe dehydration from the condition.
Unfortunately, fairly or not, she isn’t the person to speak to. And she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to or is unable to offer that support so I don’t think you can or should expect it from her. It’s possible she feels like she would put up with anything to be pregnant and you’re complaining about it (I’m not saying that’s fair, but that may be how she feels). Or it’s possible she only cares about you helping her and your problems aren’t as interesting to her. Or it’s possible she is shutting the conversation down because she can’t handle it. Either way she’s telling you she’s not the person to give you support here, and you can’t make her. So you have to just adjust to what she is able to offer, or walk away.

I spent 12 years trying to get pregnant and in that time saw friends have multiple babies but I never, ever stepped away from friendships. I was hurting but also happy for them my situation was not their fault after all.
I am now finally pregnant and those friends are the most supportive group of people I could wish to have. I would say you need to meet this friend face to face and have a frank conversation with her to find out why the relationship has broken down..the alternative is you leave it and get on with life.

Friendships drift and end throughout our lives. Usually this is related to life events and having children is probably one of the main reasons. People find themselves at different stages. I think you're going to have to accept that this friendship is ending before you drive yourself mad. You say you were like sisters, but you aren't sisters in reality.

Concentrate on what should be one of the happiest times of your life instead of wasting all this energy on someone else. Surely your fiance should be your best friend anyway?

It's a shame but I would have thought looking forward to the baby should be at the forefront of your mind, not obsessing about some other woman.