Partner Doesn't Want The Baby

[Bluebirde]

Hi!

Looking to rant and get some support and advice here.

I'm 29 and this is my first ever pregnancy.
I'm 8 weeks today and after some discussions, my partner, 38, wants me to have an abortion. He said he would support me no matter what, but that he would prefer I terminated the pregnancy.
I really want to keep my baby.

I feel so guilty no matter what. I feel guilty that I'm considereing an abortion when I love this baby. I feel guilty that I don't want an abortion when my partner does.

My partner is very loving. He constantly tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have kids with me when we're ready. I believe him and hope this is true - but I worry about the emotional strain this abortion will put on us.

Has anyone else had an abortion for their partner? How did it go?

Not sure if anyone is still following this thread, but I did have the abortion in the end. I couldn't cope with the guilt of ruining his life.
Now trying to deal with the loss and be positive about my relationship, but there is so much anger inside me that I'm worried I'll just resent him over time. I know he was just being honest but I feel let down and like his needs were put above mine. Hoping I can let go of the anger as time goes on as I'm not angry person in general.

Is he supporting you ?

It must be very tough op as it wasn't what you wanted. I strongly suggest you get some counselling. Did he pressure you to go through with it? I only ask as you said you'd be ruining his life?

Yeah he is supporting me.

He doesn't know how bad I feel though. I need to have a conversation with him but I need to figure out how to get all of my feelings out without sounding like I'm blaming him or being insensitive first.

I'm so sorry you felt pressured into it. I think you will resent him, and I don't blame you for being angry. Maybe it's time to move on? Chances are he will never be ready for a baby and you're just wasting your life on him.

that is to be expected. If you had continued the pregnancy or, as you did, end it, the relationship isnt continuing as you both want different things. He is 38 and doesnt want a child. You do. Theres no future.

how has he acted towards you since? .

Being insensitive? He pressured you into an abortion you didnt want.

what is he doing to support you?

He didn't pressure me directly but I definitely felt pressured because we couldn't compromise.
I know a compromise sounds ridiculous in this situation but I told him we could split up and I wouldn't force him to see us. He said no, he doesn't want to lose me and couldn't live with the guilt of being an absent father.
I asked if we could consider adoption. Again it was a no. He couldn't live with knowing his child was out there with someone else.
I know I made the decision ultimately but I didn't feel like I had a choice. I was so overwhelmed trying to decide between saving my baby and not hurting him. I couldn't cope with the guilt and pressure and felt like a shitty person.

Well I am sorry but he is the shitty person. He's made you go through all of this because of his own selfishness. There is no real compromise in a situation like this. I don't think I could ever forgive him personally.

Get rid of him and keep the baby. If he's not ready now he never will be. If he's happy to terminate the baby he'll not think twice about dumping you when he feels like it. He sounds deeply unpleasant and you and your baby deserve more. I would tell him I'd terminated and leave him but really keep the baby, never letting him know about a child he doesn't even want. Good luck op ❤️

@AlwaysGinPlease
Read the op’s update.

Ffs @AlwaysGinPlease could you not have read the thread when it is so sensitive!?!

@GrazingSheep thank you. Yes I should have read the entire thread, I am so sorry OP. I agree with what @Runnerinthenight has posted, Take good care of yourself.

Thank you. I struggle not to feel like a bad person if I upset someone, so it makes it hard for me to tell people I'm angry or hurt by them.

He's supporting me in the sense that he's always there for me and never judges me, gives me a lot of time, always willing to listen and he never places blame etc. He took a week off work to be with me after the abortion, did all of the housework, regularly asks how I am. And he would drop anything to be with me if I said I needed him.

If you really want to keep the baby as you say then that's your answer. There is no more to be said. You will resent him for ever if he forces you into this.

Don't worry easy mistake! I took no offense.

When do you think he might be ready to have a baby?

So sorry I didnt read the whole thread. I hope things work out for the best.

@Bluebirde thank you, that is very kind of you but I do feel dreadful. Sending you a great big hug, even though that's frowned upon on MN. Put yourself first, always

Absolutely keep your baby if this is how you feel. You won't be able to get over it if you already love the baby and want to keep it.

You would end up resenting him

He is either a good guy and will support you, or he will bugger off and show his true colours, in which case better now than later.

29 is not young to have a baby & near 40 is not young for him either!!

The pregnancy has been terminated.

@Bluebirde I don't think you will ever be able to forgive him for this. He's nearly 40 - when is he going to want a child? My heart goes out to you x

Well, my sister terminated a child from a bf at that time that just wasn’t a suitable father and it ruined her for life. If I am being honest I think with time the anger will grow and I don’t believe this relationship will survive this event.

Reading this just makes me so angry on your behalf op. This man had manipulated you into making a decision you didn't want to make.
I wouldn't worry about making him feel like the bad guy, he is.

Same!

Oh I hope you're doing OK, OP. I don't think I could forgive him either. But at the same time, he's actually not that nice or mature so he would have likely been a nightmare to co-parent with.