Partner Doesn't Want The Baby

[Bluebirde]

Hi!

Looking to rant and get some support and advice here.

I'm 29 and this is my first ever pregnancy.
I'm 8 weeks today and after some discussions, my partner, 38, wants me to have an abortion. He said he would support me no matter what, but that he would prefer I terminated the pregnancy.
I really want to keep my baby.

I feel so guilty no matter what. I feel guilty that I'm considereing an abortion when I love this baby. I feel guilty that I don't want an abortion when my partner does.

My partner is very loving. He constantly tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have kids with me when we're ready. I believe him and hope this is true - but I worry about the emotional strain this abortion will put on us.

Has anyone else had an abortion for their partner? How did it go?

Did you ever discuss having kids? You've not been together that long but I suspect this man is a red flag. He's nearly 40. He likely doesn't want kids at all OP.

Op it sounds like you don't want to have an abortion so please don't have one for his sake.

I've had one, me and dp were both in agreement and quite honestly it's one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through and I regret it throughly. I know that won't be every woman's experience but it was mine.

If you want to keep your baby an abortion will be quite a difficult thing to go through and you'll end up resenting your dp.

Keep the baby, just go into it knowing your relationship is never going to survive. If a 38 year old man, who claims they want kids, isn't mature enough to handle an unexpected pregnancy with their live-in partner, there's no hope for him.

Don't have an abortion unless YOU don't want to have this baby - he is 38 and if he's not ready now, he may never be. If you have an abortion just to please him, I guarantee you that you will regret it.

A 38 year old man with a partner ten years younger than him.

That's not a coincidence.

He's a man child.

Keep the baby but understand it's a two for one deal: you have a manchild and baby to deal with.

I only agree with abortion if it's what the mother wants( to be fair he's allowed to say his preference but that doesn't have to be the reason you do it? You HAVE to want to or you will never get over it

Nope I would not be doing this at all never mind because someone told me to. It's hardly like your young and if he doesn't want it kids the age he is he never will

Abort a pregnancy you want, just to keep a boyfriend? Why would you? There are literally billions of other males in existence, one who would actually marry you and want a kid.
Your boyfriends words are worthless. The relationship is over either way, so do what you want. This man's choices were to use contraception or not, and that's where his choices end.

I agree he’s being honest when he says he doesn’t want to be a father right now.

What is dishonest is dangling the carrot of being amenable to a pregnancy at some unspecified point in the future. Men like this don’t want kids but equally don’t want their girlfriend to leave. How many times have we seen threads on here where women have wasted their fertile years on commitment-phobic men who keep saying they’re not ready for kids?

Men like this don’t want kids but equally don’t want their girlfriend to leave. How many times have we seen threads on here where women have wasted their fertile years on commitment-phobic men who keep saying they’re not ready for kids?
Almost completely agree with this. saying he never wants children is honest. This guy clearly doesnt. That‘s dishonest. He is committed to your relationship, but clearly doesnt want that to include children.

If a 38 year old man, who claims they want kids, isn't mature enough to handle an unexpected pregnancy with their live-in partner, there's no hope for him.
yep to this too. 38. living together. Together two years. He is future faking.

A 38 year old man with a partner ten years younger than him. That's not a coincidence. He's a man child.
and this. He has longer before crunch tome with a younger partner. But, op, you dont.

decide what you want to do.

This is absolutely your choice to make.
However at 38, that's bloody old to be too young to consider children.
DH always said, my dad was 38 when he had me, and I never wanted to be an older Dad because of how his age impacted what he would do with me.
As it turned out, DH and I had our first child together when he was 36, and another due- and he will be 38.
During this pregnancy, he's been saying, I feel old! Tiredness is coming easier than it should and my arms flipping hurt.

I'm not saying that's the case for everyone, but I don't know many people in their 40s who could deal with the night waking, and go to work, or softplay during the next day, holding onto velcro babies for hours and hours each day. It's hard physically in the first few years.

So how long does he plan on holding off?
How many does he want?

On the flipside, if he doesn't want this baby, how supportive will he actually be?

One of my friends had a termination because her boyfriend wasn’t ready ( they were both mid 30s) . She didn’t want to but he promised marriage etc so she did and was devastated. Within a few months he dumped her as she “ was no fun any more” and very shortly after that had a baby with another woman .

Haven;t read the whole thread but my first thought is when will this 38 year old man be ready then?! As he gets older his sperm gets worse. If he truly has all these loving and family feelings about you, then a baby coming at any time is fine. Supporting you should come whether or not you decide to abort or keep.

End of the day the choice is yours, many women feel bad for years after being pressurised into an abortion for a child they wanted. If you want/need the abortion all good, but not for someone else.

Consider if you could /would raise the child on your own, women are much more resilient and able to do this than we give ourselves credit for. Yes it is double as hard and ideally would want the help, but even some women in relationships find themselves doing all the childcare work.

He's telling you loud and clear he doesn't see a future with you. Believe him.

Don't have an abortion if you want the baby. This may be your one and only chance.

There's no guarantee that

• your partner won't leave (and have children with someone else),
• you'll ever fall pregnant again,
• you won't break it off with him when the reality hits you.

The knives are out because he is not honest. He spesks about theoretical children but has given no firm plan. He wants OP sexually available but he is kicking her needs down the path.

Many men in the path havd been surprised by their children but they have also stepped up to the plate. This man is trying to nudge a woman into an abortion she doesn't want. Ergo the knives.

Bullshitting man - if you want this baby then accept it's likely the end of the relationship. At 38 he can either decide to grow up or he can carry on into his extended adolescence alone.

Babies and children need commitment. This guy doesn't have it from what you say.

The decision to have or not have an abortion should lie solely with the woman carrying the baby and no one else. It's that simple. If you don't want an abortion don't have one.

For what it's worth my DP had the same reaction when I found out I was pregnant in January 2021. He was 39. He didn't pressure me but did suggest it as it maybe wasn't the right time. We had not long moved into our doer upper and he had lots of plans and things he wanted to do to the house and grounds. We were financially very stable and mortgage free but I think the thought of a baby puts the fear in some men. Especially when they have got to late 30s without that kind of responsibility. I quite plainly told him to shove that suggestion up his arse. We weren't very young, skint or homeless. There was no reason for it to be the "wrong time" other than fear. And for him it really was fear, on the way to our first scan he admitted to being terrified that there was something wrong or miscarriage. Lots of things and part of that stemmed from it being a high risk pregnancy. He worried a lot throughout my pregnancy but bottled it up and tried to race on with renovations throughout my pregnancy which caused a fair bit of stress and I thought he was an arsehole at many points.

When DD was born, he was so happy and relived. Sat there staring at her until he finally left that night at 10.30pm when he realised he was the last man still there and if he didn't go soon he would miss check in at the hotel (we live a long way from the hospital). Arrived the next morning with bags of clothes as he'd not been able to pass them. He's an idiot but he was besotted with her.

Fast forward two and a bit years and he's still besotted with her. He's worked incredibly hard to almost completely transform the house, added self catering accommodation to some land we had so I can be a SAHM and do changeovers instead of going out to work and finding childcare. He's an excellent dad and she's a dad's girl. Maybe don't judge too harshly unless he continues to suggest termination or starts to pressure you. When I lightly rib him about it now he is so embarrassed at his reaction and realises that there was nothing to worry or be scared about. Sometimes men can just be a bit stupid and thoughtless with what they say.

He's old enough to just make it work, if you were 17 and 20 then yes fair enough but you're both at an age where you're able to bring a baby into this world. Honestly if you want to keep the baby just keep it if you're ok with a possible break up and feel you could do it on your own, he may come round but he should be more than ready at his age

Hey OP! How are you?

This.

Hello I hope you're doing well? :)

I'm not feeling too good but I know that will change. I still feel very torn but I think I am going to have this baby on my own. Little one is priority now. :)

@Bluebirde just wanted to say, I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and was in a very similar situation to you. I decided to keep my baby which led to the relationship ending. It's tough at first but I'm so happy I made the right decision!
Please don't feel guilty, it's your body and your baby! You need to make the right decision for you, no one else. Sending strength and positivity x

Follow your heart ❤️
Be strong. If that is what you want then don’t be talked out of it.

Wonderful @anony1111
Wish you all the best in your final weeks of pregnancy.

@Symphony830 thank you 😊