Miscarriage or Abortion HELP??

[KenGirl]

I have a lovely child. But my pregnancy was horrendous. I developed some very rare and severe illnesses that made me completely bed ridden for the whole 10 mths. I even needed to be picked up and carried to the bathroom if I needed the toilet. I was hospitalised constantly and I almost died. It was the most painful and darkest period of my life.

I was told that it is highly likely that every pregnancy I have would be like this. So I never wanted another pregnancy again.

My husband, however, desperately wanted another kid. He actually put a lot of pressure on me over the years, no matter how much I explained I couldn’t go through that again. It has caused a lot of problems (Ie him wanting more and me too traumatised to go through that experience again).

I am now 44 and I found out in pregnant!! As you can imagine, I’m absolutely traumatised and triggered!! I waking up through the nights in cold sweats and panic attacks. I’m only 7 weeks and have already been completely bed ridden for 3 weeks now and am even unable to get out of bed to make myself a cup of tea. I’m unable to take care of myself or my child.

I went to my OBGYN last week (6w 3days). He scanned and said the sac was pretty much empty and there was no heartbeat. He suspects that it could lead to a miscarriage but said it’s still quite early so I need to go back next week for a scan.

I have desperately been hoping to miscarry (sorry if that is triggering to anyone). But no signs of blood and all pregnancy symptoms still there.

I am terrified that if I go to the scan next week, that it could turn out that the pregnancy becomes viable. At which point, I might have to consider an abortion. An abortion is an awful thing to consider - esp at my age. But I just can’t cope with another pregnancy again or the risk to my life - esp as I have a young child. I’m so triggered and traumatised by it all.

But my husband is also very excited as his “dream” might come through. Ie to have more children. So if I do have an abortion, I will have to do it in secret and suffer on my own. I know that would be so dishonest and wrong. But he simply isn’t able to understand or empathise that I can’t physically, emotionally or mentally go through this again.

I feel so scared, alone, and severely anxious. And I have no one to talk to. :(

I'm sorry you're in this position. It's a tough one. Having a scan next week will go one of two ways. Either you'll find out it's not a viable pregnancy and have relief that you didn't have to terminate (and your DH can't be upset at that either). Or you'll find the pregnancy is viable and have to decide whether to terminate or go through with the pregnancy. The first option would probably be your ideal.

I saw a solid heartbeat on a five week scan, so if you're not seeing it now, I'd be surprised if the pregnancy was viable. No guarantee of course.

All the best with this situation OP.

I'm so sorry, this is an awful situation. It's ultimately your body, your life, and your right to choose - most especially in the circumstances that a pregnancy puts your own life at such high risk. I know how hard that would be for the both of you especially your husband but if he loves you, he will want you well and healthy in this life for you and for your existing child. Life is far too short as we find out when older. If your husband is so keen for another child, is there any possibility of fostering / adopting ?

Your husband sounds exceptionally unreasonable here

That's bad advice. It is unusual to see a heartbeat at a 5 week scan. I certainly didn't and my 11 year old is in her bedroom. It's very common not to see a heartbeat until at least 6 weeks if not a few days further on so that's poor advice to pass on to OP.

I disagree with you. The scan in question was 28 years ago. Surely the technology is even better now? Anyway, same thought applies - either another scan will solve the issue as there will be no viable baby, or OP will realise she has to make a decision. Obviously there is no guarantee which is why OP's doctor has suggested a rescan in a week.

I know that would be so dishonest and wrong.

No it's not. You are considering whether to have a confidential medical procedure to prevent pain, incapacity, an inability to care for yourself and your child. A decent man could be told about it and he would agree it's your body and your choice.

Your partner is happy to see you in trauma and pain. I'm not sure I could live with that.

@itsdark No the technology is not necessarily better now, because it still remains unusual to see a heartbeat before 6 weeks. There are endless threads on the subject if you care to look on the pregnancy board. As I said, DDs heartbeat was not detectable at 5 weeks (plus 5 days) with a transvaginal scan, and I knew exactly when I ovulated. My case is not unusual, it's extremely common.
28 years ago you were more likely to have been further along than you thought.
I hope OP ends up with the result she wants.

I don't think an abortion is an awful thing to consider at all, especially when pregnancy has such a huge negative impact on your life.

However I DO think you should be able to talk to your husband about this. He saw what you went through before, and as a PP said there are other options for adding to your family.

Ultimately though it's your body, your choice and you should do what's right for YOU. Sending lots of love x

@itsdark Thanks for your reply.

I am feeling hopeful about the same thing. As in my last pregnancy, I saw a tiny flicker and heartbeat at 6 weeks.

My OBGYN says from his experience, he would say the pregnancy looks like it likely may not be viable. (Also another factor is I’m 44, which also makes a much higher chance). But I need to go back in a few days to rescan, because there is also a small chance that it could continue and become viable.

I keep hoping I will just miscarry naturally in these days, but it isn’t happening and all my pregnancy symptoms are carrying on pretty strong.

I even wonder if I should not go back for a scan and just have a termination. As if there is a viable pregnancy, then it will make the decision much harder!

I just feel in such despair!

@JFT Sadly, he doesn’t want to adopt or foster etc. He wants his own bloodline.

That being said, I’m honestly so happy and content with my child. I don’t feel like anything is missing or that I need more. She fills my world and I’m beyond happy with her and things just as they are.

Also, at my age I don’t have the energy like when I was a young woman. So I’m truly just happy with the one child. Sadly, one has never been enough for him. Actually his dream was 4 kids !! Then when he realised that won’t happen, he kept pressuring for just one more.

It sounds like the pregnancy might not be viable. It was in my case when a scan at 6+3 showed an empty sac. If you don’t have any bleeding, it might be a MMC and they will explain your options for management. (But if for some reason it is viable, don’t feel bad at all about having an abortion.)

@Sorrento79 He really sometimes is! And once it is over, it will all be about him and his feelings. So I will have to contend with that as well as the personal trauma I’ve been going through. So I’m dreading just the entire thing.

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes it’s been something so difficult to live with. For the past years and the pressure he has repeatedly put on me. I have actually suggested a number of times that we should go out separate ways so that he can meet someone else who can give him all the extra children he wants.

I am not someone who often tells lies. I’m generally a very honest person. So this weighs very heavily on me!!

If the pregnancy turns out not viable at the next scan, then that will be perfect as I would have to terminate it and can be honest with him. It’s only if the pregnancy seems like it is going ahead, then I will have to make the decision on potentially aborting. And that may not be an easy decision anyway to just end a life in that way. And then to also be deceptive about it.

I just feel in such despair and anxiety.

@Sa11yCinnamon thank you xx

I’m hoping that is the case for me too.

What happened in your case? Did you have to go back for another scan? Or did you miscarry naturally at some point?

I am just worried as I still have all the normal pregnancy symptoms and I have had no bleeding. So my body still “feels” like it is very much pregnant.

I had to go back for another scan 2 weeks later, and at that point they confirmed the MMC and asked me how I would like to proceed - medical or surgical management, or waiting a bit longer for a natural miscarriage. I decided for surgical management and the earliest appointment they had was another 2 weeks away. During this time, I continued to have pregnancy symptoms and never any bleeding or cramps. They said that the body sometimes doesn’t know that the pregnancy has ended and will still produce hormones to ‘do it’s job’ and keep things going.

@Cinai thanks so much for sharing that. I hope it isn’t too triggering for you!
When you had the scan at 6weeks, did they say it was likely to not be a viable pregnancy? Or were they still optimistic at that point?

My OB says he suspects it could be a miscarriage. Esp when you factor my age. I think I’m really dreading if I get there and there is a miraculous development of growth, and then I will be faced with a really difficult decision.

The scan in question was 28 years ago. Surely the technology is even better now?

🤔the very earliest the embryo has a heart beating to be seen is at 5w5d. It doesn't matter how good the technology is; you can't see what physically isn't there.

@SylvieLaufeydottir I’m hoping for that. I was a bit further along at 6w3d so I’m hoping that given there wasn’t a heartbeat then, that one may not suddenly develop in the next week.

If your husband magically didn't;t exist, would if be a difficult decision? Or would you choose an abortion without a great deal of concern? Because it sounds like, and please do tell me if I'm wrong, you don't want another child, your health is likely to suffer, your existing child is likely to suffer. I know people feel there is a moral issue with abortion. I don't.

I think the fact that you are wishing for a miscarriage means it shouldn't be a difficult decision.

I also think that after this is over, you should also consider your marriage.

@KenGirl they said that they’d expect to see more at this point but that there’s always a chance that the dates are a bit off or that the pregnancy is a couple of days behind. But it was a wanted pregnancy in my case so I think they wouldn’t have stressed me out without 100% certainty which I think they can only have after a second scan and no further development. I was very sure of my ovulation date because I tracked it and I knew that I ovulated early in my cycle so I kind of knew.

That’s a good perspective @MrsTerryPratchett

If he wasn’t here, I would still feel it’s a “morally” difficult decision. I’m not against abortion at all. I think it’s just a hard decision to have to make. Esp at 44.

The only reason I don’t want another child is because I don’t want to go through another pregnancy. Esp as it means my daughter will suffer if I’m pregnant or worst, a risk that it could even kill me.

I’m really hoping for a miscarriage as the burden of having to terminate outside of that - esp if I have to be a bit dishonest - weighs on my conscience for both the act and the lie.

Him and I are defo at wars at time. Esp over issues like this. He is already being upset and angry because I had mentioned to him that maybe we should be prepared that the pregnancy isn’t viable. He just thinks about how unfair this is on him. Which is insane as I’m the one lying in bed now for 3 weeks straight and suffering.

@Cinai Thanks for that. My OBGYN and I have a really good relationship. So I told him honestly all my concerns and how I felt. He also agreed with me that for me to go through another pregnancy like that again will be quite difficult and also very hard on my body at this age.

He knows I’m hopeful to miscarry.

I also know my ovulation and conception date. He basically said what yours said. But he said that there is a chance that it’s an early pregnancy or delayed development, etc. Even though he said he suspects it may be a not viable pregnancy. He can’t say for sure until my next scan in a few days.

Wow @KenGirl

This man just wants what he wants really doesn't he? A boy to carry on his bloodline? How dare you not live up to being the human incubator for his multiple children, whatever the great risk to your life?

I second the suggestion that you consider whether you should remain in a marriage with someone who doesn't have your welfare, and that of his existing child, at heart. 🌹

I am so sorry that you are in this very difficult situation, OP. I hope that you get the right outcome in the next week.

Longer term, please talk to someone in real life to get some support with the bigger issues in your marriage. I am absolutely horrified that your husband would allow you to suffer in this way simply to act as a vessel to bear his child. I assume that this pregnancy was a contraceptive failure? In your position I would very seriously consider sterilisation.