Miscarriage or Abortion HELP??

[KenGirl]

I have a lovely child. But my pregnancy was horrendous. I developed some very rare and severe illnesses that made me completely bed ridden for the whole 10 mths. I even needed to be picked up and carried to the bathroom if I needed the toilet. I was hospitalised constantly and I almost died. It was the most painful and darkest period of my life.

I was told that it is highly likely that every pregnancy I have would be like this. So I never wanted another pregnancy again.

My husband, however, desperately wanted another kid. He actually put a lot of pressure on me over the years, no matter how much I explained I couldn’t go through that again. It has caused a lot of problems (Ie him wanting more and me too traumatised to go through that experience again).

I am now 44 and I found out in pregnant!! As you can imagine, I’m absolutely traumatised and triggered!! I waking up through the nights in cold sweats and panic attacks. I’m only 7 weeks and have already been completely bed ridden for 3 weeks now and am even unable to get out of bed to make myself a cup of tea. I’m unable to take care of myself or my child.

I went to my OBGYN last week (6w 3days). He scanned and said the sac was pretty much empty and there was no heartbeat. He suspects that it could lead to a miscarriage but said it’s still quite early so I need to go back next week for a scan.

I have desperately been hoping to miscarry (sorry if that is triggering to anyone). But no signs of blood and all pregnancy symptoms still there.

I am terrified that if I go to the scan next week, that it could turn out that the pregnancy becomes viable. At which point, I might have to consider an abortion. An abortion is an awful thing to consider - esp at my age. But I just can’t cope with another pregnancy again or the risk to my life - esp as I have a young child. I’m so triggered and traumatised by it all.

But my husband is also very excited as his “dream” might come through. Ie to have more children. So if I do have an abortion, I will have to do it in secret and suffer on my own. I know that would be so dishonest and wrong. But he simply isn’t able to understand or empathise that I can’t physically, emotionally or mentally go through this again.

I feel so scared, alone, and severely anxious. And I have no one to talk to. :(

I really feel for you after reading this and completely understand your reasons for not wanting to go through another pregnancy. I have had 4 early miscarriages most of them being ‘missed miscarriages’ so from my experience I would say that if the doctor has suggest they don’t think it’s viable and he’s happy to say that to you then it probably isn’t. I was in a similar situation with my last pregnancy, I was secretly hoping that it wouldn’t be viable as I wasn’t in a position where I felt excited to have another child as my daughter was still very young so went through similar emotions and turmoil to what you’re describing. When I went back for the scan there was still an empty sac and I went away and let my body miscarry naturally like I did with all 4 miscarriages. It’s cruel that your body displays all of the pregnancy symptoms when there’s nothing growing inside the sac but I would say that there is a high chance that you will get the result you would prefer when you go back. Sending you lots of love and reassurance that your feelings are valid and you have the right to decide your future and not be pressured by your partner as he clearly doesn’t understand the trauma you went through 🤍

I know this is weird but just in case, who is in charge of birth control?

@DrMarshaFieldstone @MrsTerryPratchett

The irony is, he actually has quite a low sex drive. So we only have sex once every few months.

So once I turned 44, I felt like I wasn’t really at risk given that we rarely have sex and I (thought) I would no longer be fertile. But once this is over, I’m defo going back on contraception!

@MrsTerryPratchett you always beat me to it, I think we would be friends…

Thanks for that @LovefromIris

I am also hoping for this! I believe there should be a heartbeat at 6w3d, so I really am keeping my fingers crossed. And that there isn’t an unexpected miracle when I go for my scan in a few days. :(

The really hard thing is my pregnancies are brutal so my body is going through the normal brutality. Been completely bed ridden for 3 weeks already. So at this point, I just want to miscarry asap so I can get back on my feet, out of agony, and be able to care for my child again. So once I get the clear, I will try to organise a surgical procedure asap.

Please keep your fingers crossed it turns out to not be viable at the next scan! My hubby actually asked me if he can go at the next scan and I said no !!!!

Please keep your fingers crossed it turns out to not be viable at the next scan! My hubby actually asked me if he can go at the next scan and I said no !!!!

Very sensible. If it's not viable, see if they will give you something in writing saying that. I suspect he will be worse going forward.

I'm so sorry you're bedridden. I had a horrible pregnancy so I feel for you.

You have a husband problem. No judgement from me I can see why you are considering lying but it is alarming. How can you be so poorly and your DH is blind to how poorly you was last time you was pregnant. Tbh I wouldn't be having baby no2 to him. Sort long term contraception out!

@KenGirl as you have such a firm view on this (and I completely understand why), could you not speak to your OBGYN about a pre-emptive procedure, rather than wait, just in case the dice fall against you? No one else need ever know, and I feel it would be less hard for you not having known either...

@KenGirl you’ll be in my thoughts, like I say I’ve been in a similar position and I felt relieved when they said it wasn’t viable which isn’t something I ever thought I’d feel after having several miscarriages of planned pregnancies.

Regarding your scan, if you go on your own like you want to then you can discuss with them your options if you find out the pregnancy is viable without him there. That way you have the headspace to process it without him celebrating while you’re feeling disappointed and confused at what to do next.

@MrsTerryPratchett I also am dreading the emotional rollercoaster he will put me through if or when the pregnancy does end. He is likely going to be a nightmare in the weeks after. Which is such a shame as I have already been living through hell for the past weeks with how sick I have been. And in any aspect, I think miscarriage or an abortion is also difficult for any woman. So I’m not looking forward to his emotional immaturity and selfishness to come. And the lack of emotional support I will have.

No way I would let him go to the scan. In the off-chance there was a heartbeat, and then I would feel pressured by him. It’s my body and my decision. I already told my OB that he wants a baby while I don’t. So my doctor knows everything.

You need to ask your consultant how they can manage your pregnancy to ensure you don’t experience such extreme symptoms again. I assume these were physical and not physiological? Either way a pregnancy could be managed with really good care but without an honest conversation with your consultant you don’t yet know your true options. Ask for help!

OP already gad one pregnancy and a child and was completely honest with her doctor who is aware of her condition .Do you really think everyone involved left her bed bound and suffering last time just because OP didn't ask for help? Or that she didn't ask for help considering the situation?

I already told my OB that he wants a baby while I don’t. So my doctor knows everything.

That's good.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. 

I’m so sorry you are in this position, OP. I wouldn’t normally suggest this but given your husband’s horrible attitude you may as well consider that the procedures for the medical management of a miscarriage and for a termination at this early stage are basically exactly the same and your DH would not need to know if you chose to have the latter. It sounds like your doctor is sympathetic and would be careful about the wording that might appear on your insurance documentation (it doesn’t sound like you are in the UK but apologies if I am wrong).

Then yes, as pp say, once the physical matter is resolved and you are recovered, get some RL support, get on contraception, and seriously consider sterilization.

@Tatiepot Yes I already did that on my last visit. We discussed the options and he gave me the contact of other consultants who could do the procedure for me. I have already been in touch with them to find out more about the procedure and the wait times. Hopefully, if all goes “ok”, it may be that I could even schedule to have the procedure done next week.

I have already spoken to my hubby about this anyway ie that the pregnancy may not be viable, and if so, I would need to have a procedure to have it removed.

There was part of me that was even thinking about just skipping the scan with my OB and going straight to the procedure. It means I can cut off some days of suffering in bed. But I’m kinda stuck now as my hubby already knows when my scan with my doctor is, so I can’t go have the procedure now before then.

“Husband problem” 😂

I like that. And I also agree. To be honest, I have thought of leaving him many times but on the other hand, there are some good points too. Believe me when I say I have weighed up fully the options on if to stay or go. And for now, because of many diff factors, staying is the best option for now. Believe me when I say I have put a lot of serious thought into doing what’s best.

You could though, if you went to the hospital unexpectedly "because you had stop start bleeding" no one would know it wasn't a miscarriage.

Or could your appointment be "brought forward", as I am very concerned about the pressure you will be put under if the scan doesn't go as you hope?

I had a missed miscarriage last year - went for my NHS scan at 13 weeks and the baby had stopped growing at about 5 weeks... My symptoms weren't as bad as they've been in my viable pregnancies but they were still there. I felt pregnant for 8 weeks of carrying an empty sac - it's no guarantee of a viable pregnancy.

Your "D"H sounds completely unreasonable - why is he ok with you going through such a bad experience again? He already has a child and a bloodline which is more than many people who want children and can't have them.

If the pregnancy is viable, can your OBGYN talk you through options? At such an early stage I would assume (but don't know) that an abortion would be a similar process to a medically managed miscarriage. Ignore what your husband thinks, he doesn't seem to actually care about your feelings (not to mention the risks!) so why should you care about his? If a pregnancy is not what you want, you don't have to go through with it.

@PaperDoIIs
”Do you really think everyone involved left her bed bound and suffering last time just because OP didn't ask for help?”

It very much sounds that way. The poor OP should have been well looked after in hospital if things had got so bad she couldn’t walk to the loo! It sounds like a total failure of care.

@Panic71

So I actually had private care in my last pregnancy. The reason we went private was because my pregnancy was so difficult from day 1.

I had my OBGYN’s personal number and could contact him at any time of the day or night. Which actually saved my life a couple of times as it meant I could be rushed to hospital and be seen immediately when something went wrong. So I guess I’m saying that I had access to the best care and meds, and the result/risks were still the same.

My OBGYN told me that all my pregnancies will more or less likely to be the same, and with the same risk to my life. I have used the same OBGYN for years so he knows my health history well.

So it’s not really about managing the symptoms or getting better care/meds. It’s more that this is how my body processes pregnancy and the symptoms and risks are unavoidable.

And if she was cared for in hospital? She still gets to be in pain, in danger, and away from her existing child.

Some people have bloody awful pregnancies. Really dreadful. And no amount of healthcare changes them into 'glowing' ones.

Honestly @KenGirl I would opt for termination in your case 100%. Your body is your own - you are not a baby making receptacle. I hope you do miscarry, and there's a good chance you may, given the scan and your age. But if you don't miscarry you should terminate with a clear conscience. How dare your husband put you through this!
You have a child you love, you have a life that works for you now. Don't let anything or anyone derail this.

@Tatiepot Yes I kind of thought about pretending to have some bleeding at home. But it won’t eliminate my hubby then suggesting that I go to see my OBGYN for a scan. And the scan I have booked already is for his earliest available date. I don’t know why I stupidly told him when my next scan was due. I hadn’t thought it through at that point yet I guess.

So just need to wait maybe another week or so of the suffering 😣