Miscarriage or Abortion HELP??

[KenGirl]

I have a lovely child. But my pregnancy was horrendous. I developed some very rare and severe illnesses that made me completely bed ridden for the whole 10 mths. I even needed to be picked up and carried to the bathroom if I needed the toilet. I was hospitalised constantly and I almost died. It was the most painful and darkest period of my life.

I was told that it is highly likely that every pregnancy I have would be like this. So I never wanted another pregnancy again.

My husband, however, desperately wanted another kid. He actually put a lot of pressure on me over the years, no matter how much I explained I couldn’t go through that again. It has caused a lot of problems (Ie him wanting more and me too traumatised to go through that experience again).

I am now 44 and I found out in pregnant!! As you can imagine, I’m absolutely traumatised and triggered!! I waking up through the nights in cold sweats and panic attacks. I’m only 7 weeks and have already been completely bed ridden for 3 weeks now and am even unable to get out of bed to make myself a cup of tea. I’m unable to take care of myself or my child.

I went to my OBGYN last week (6w 3days). He scanned and said the sac was pretty much empty and there was no heartbeat. He suspects that it could lead to a miscarriage but said it’s still quite early so I need to go back next week for a scan.

I have desperately been hoping to miscarry (sorry if that is triggering to anyone). But no signs of blood and all pregnancy symptoms still there.

I am terrified that if I go to the scan next week, that it could turn out that the pregnancy becomes viable. At which point, I might have to consider an abortion. An abortion is an awful thing to consider - esp at my age. But I just can’t cope with another pregnancy again or the risk to my life - esp as I have a young child. I’m so triggered and traumatised by it all.

But my husband is also very excited as his “dream” might come through. Ie to have more children. So if I do have an abortion, I will have to do it in secret and suffer on my own. I know that would be so dishonest and wrong. But he simply isn’t able to understand or empathise that I can’t physically, emotionally or mentally go through this again.

I feel so scared, alone, and severely anxious. And I have no one to talk to. :(

To me this pregnancy sounds unviable whether the next scan shows a heartbeat or not. Sadly your body is just not strong enough to carry to term. So it is just a question as to whether you die trying or not. And as a mother of another child I don’t think that you should risk that even if you wanted to.

A friend of mine had an eptopic pregnancy. Very planned, very wanted baby. She really struggled to sign the form for the operation that saved her life. But she had no choice.

Your situation is similar I think. It is ok to feel sad about it. Of course the ideal would be if you saw the test go positive and suddenly felt marvellous. But sadly your body just can’t do that.

@Lavenderfowl i defo did think about this. Like what if I went and did see a heartbeat on the off chance. Then will I feel really torn about a termination??

And on the other hand, if he did confirm there was no heartbeat, then it would feel morally better. Cos then im not aborting. Nor would I have to lie to my partner.

I spoke to my OBG and tried to see if I could do the scan earlier this week. But he said there will be no point to do that as I need to wait a bit longer to see if any developments.

So a bit of a stuck place.

And if I did just simply go off and do the termination, my husband would see that payment on our bank account. Hence why I kind of feel stuck to go to see my OB first before I can get the procedure down.

@KittytheHare thanks so much for your kind and loving support. Really appreciate it 😘

@Mumofteenandtween thank you for your kind words and support xxx

That makes it much clearer. I’m so sorry for your experience. I was worried you’d had crap care and let’s be honest, lots of women do sadly. But it’s clear you had great care and still it was horrendous for you. I wonder if your husband needs to hear this directly from the consultant to really get it - which seems mad but maybe it’s grief?
I wish you all the very best

I think the issue here is getting past your (imo totally unnecessary) guilt re terminating if there was a potentially viable pregnancy. If you could get past that and have clarity of mind - "I don't want another baby because of the intolerable toll this will take on my life" then your decision would be more obvious. You, very justifiably don't want this pregnancy. That is an absolutely valid choice, and I think the right choice.
Hoping that you'll have a miscarriage is essentially the same choice you're making, just that it's passive rather than proactive. I wish you the very best in this very difficult time - and the decision is yours to make, not your husband's. x

Thanks @Panic71 xx

To be honest, my hubby is the dad to my child. So he went through the pregnancy with me and had to, himself, rush me to the hospital on many occasions. So he knows more than anyone how difficult pregnancies are for me as well as risky.

So it’s crazy he has not been more supportive and understanding why I won’t want to go through it again. Men!

@KittytheHare thsnks for that. You put it in a very rational and helpful way. Really appreciate your care and support.

Just want to say THANKS to everyone who took the time to reply and to give me some care/support.

I have had no one at all to talk to about this. And have been filled with such anxiety and fear as well as physical pain. So I appreciate having some support and kindness from everyone. Really has meant the world to me more than you can know and made me feel a bit braver ❤️❤️❤️

An abortion is not a terrible thing to consider. (Although of course people will feel terrible having them if they believe they are terrible things to do).

But.., 1/3 women have had abortion(s) they are normal medical procedures. You don't want to be pregnant and it's your body your choice

If you're that early op you could ask for the abortion pulls which will look like a miscarriage.

But if your DH is this uncaring about you I'd seriously consider leaving once you feel stronger.

Sending huge unmumsnetty hugs to you lovely 🤗🤗🤗

You can go to your GP op and get a termination on the NHS. You can just say you miscarried.

But seriously you do have a husband issue here x

Hey everyone!

Thanks for all the words of support. I’m going for my scan today, so I will know in a couple of hours. I really nervous about what if I see a heartbeat this time and I’m forced to have to make a difficult decision!

I still have had no bleeding and all pregnancy symptoms have continued :(

All the best for the outcome you need xx

All the best to you OP.I hope you get outcome that's best for you xxx Stay strong!

All the best to you OP.

Thanks everyone. My appointment is in 30mins. Having a panic attack.

If it turns out there is a heartbeat, just don’t know how to cope with that. It is such an immense pressure and decision to weigh on me if I need to consider if to purposely terminate…

Thanks for all the thoughts. Keep them coming please! Feel so scared 😟

Best of luck OP. Horrible situation to be in. Thinking of you.

Thinking of you today hope you get the outcome you want, awful situation to be in x

Thinking of you OP, I hope you get the outcome you need. It's such a tough situation to be in

Sending strength and an unmumsnetty hug, OP.

Whatever the outcome, please consider LTB.

Hey all,

To give an update. Just came back from the scan and it had grown but still no heartbeat. So it’s going in the direction of a miscarriage.

Thanks so much everyone for the love and support. I honestly couldn’t have gotten through this without all of you who took the time to respond!!! Xxx

Hey OP xxx

Glad you might have got the news you wanted.How are you feeling?I hope your H is being supportive.

Thanks for your love and support.

Unfortunately, he has been a nightmare. As I expected. When I told him I miscarried, he was very angry with me and said how he resented me. And he wanted me to apologise to him for making the last few weeks difficult for him as I have been apparently inconsiderate and difficult to deal with during my pregnancy and illness/agony. He then cancelled all our plans for the rest of the year. Eg tickets book for things, Xmas shows, dinners, etc.

This was the other thing I dreaded. Having to deal with him and whatever his meltdown would be, on top of this somewhat traumatic experience for me and also the physical recovery. It, of course, makes this experience 10 times worse.

I know people would say I should leave him. I agree. And it will eventually happen. Believe me, I’m not a doormat. But leaving is simply not that straightforward - for right now. Esp with no means or plan. And I have no family or close friends or support system. So it’s not that straightforward until I can get myself to a more secure position in my life and job. Like I said, I have weighed up long and hard about staying or leaving for some time, and for now, staying is the best option until I can create some better stability.

I’m going to have the surgical procedure this week. It’s called manual vacuum aspiration. Has anyone had this and was it painful? I will be awake when it is done, I understand.

Thanks so much for all the love and support. Again, I couldn’t have gotten through this with every single one of you. And don’t worry too much about the Manchild. I just need to get through the next week or so and get back on my feet. And keep working towards myself and my goals. Xxx