Miscarriage or Abortion HELP??

[KenGirl]

I have a lovely child. But my pregnancy was horrendous. I developed some very rare and severe illnesses that made me completely bed ridden for the whole 10 mths. I even needed to be picked up and carried to the bathroom if I needed the toilet. I was hospitalised constantly and I almost died. It was the most painful and darkest period of my life.

I was told that it is highly likely that every pregnancy I have would be like this. So I never wanted another pregnancy again.

My husband, however, desperately wanted another kid. He actually put a lot of pressure on me over the years, no matter how much I explained I couldn’t go through that again. It has caused a lot of problems (Ie him wanting more and me too traumatised to go through that experience again).

I am now 44 and I found out in pregnant!! As you can imagine, I’m absolutely traumatised and triggered!! I waking up through the nights in cold sweats and panic attacks. I’m only 7 weeks and have already been completely bed ridden for 3 weeks now and am even unable to get out of bed to make myself a cup of tea. I’m unable to take care of myself or my child.

I went to my OBGYN last week (6w 3days). He scanned and said the sac was pretty much empty and there was no heartbeat. He suspects that it could lead to a miscarriage but said it’s still quite early so I need to go back next week for a scan.

I have desperately been hoping to miscarry (sorry if that is triggering to anyone). But no signs of blood and all pregnancy symptoms still there.

I am terrified that if I go to the scan next week, that it could turn out that the pregnancy becomes viable. At which point, I might have to consider an abortion. An abortion is an awful thing to consider - esp at my age. But I just can’t cope with another pregnancy again or the risk to my life - esp as I have a young child. I’m so triggered and traumatised by it all.

But my husband is also very excited as his “dream” might come through. Ie to have more children. So if I do have an abortion, I will have to do it in secret and suffer on my own. I know that would be so dishonest and wrong. But he simply isn’t able to understand or empathise that I can’t physically, emotionally or mentally go through this again.

I feel so scared, alone, and severely anxious. And I have no one to talk to. :(

I know people would say I should leave him. I agree. And it will eventually happen. Believe me, I’m not a doormat. But leaving is simply not that straightforward - for right now. Esp with no means or plan. And I have no family or close friends or support system. So it’s not that straightforward until I can get myself to a more secure position in my life and job. Like I said, I have weighed up long and hard about staying or leaving for some time, and for now, staying is the best option until I can create some better stability.

If you have to stay for now, and of course I think you shouldn't, my advice is two things;

Firstly, spend your time and energy working to leave. Don't waste either on his nonsense. When you have free time, spare money, it all goes to this.

Second, give less of a shit. So he's angry, sad, volatile, or any of the other crappy Snow White characters? Care less. Adapt less. Just think, "sometime soon you won't be my problem" and mean it. Let him stomp around cancelling things and mithering you. Go to your happy place.

I have had an MVA and it was painful in the moment but I had some gas and air which really helped. Afterwards I just needed some paracetamol/ibuprofen and a hot water bottle. I was tender for a couple of days. I had a coil inserted at the same time, so if that method of contraception works for you, you could ask for that too ❤️

I don't think an abortion for you would be dishonest or wrong. DH has known for a long time you can't do another pregnancy. I'm not sure why you feel it's wrong so I can't really dispute that. I'm not really pro or against abortions, I think it's up to the individual woman and no one else's business. Really the only one to feel guilty here would be DH for how he's minimized you. I'm so sorry you're in this dilemma- My last pregnancy at 40 was similar, and while I would welcome another child I don't think I could go through the pregnancy thing again. I would be in the same situation basically. I think about it a lot. But you've already determined it can't be done. It just can't. You have every right to end it. Anyone who makes you feel bad or pressured to do what they want you to do is wrong and extremely selfish.

@KenGirl apologies, I didn't see the update until after I commented. I'm glad you see the reality of your marriage and have a plan for yourself. You can do this!

@MrsTerryPratchett yes. Agree. That’s exactly what I think and tell myself.

I know absolutely he isn’t right for me or the sort of person I need to be with. It’s nothing to do with being in love or anything like that. This is just my “for now” and I will get through it as best as I can.

Thanks so much for all your love and support throughout this x

I’m not getting air and gas. I will be awake and I think they will use some sort of local anaesthetic, so not sure how painful it may end up being?

Were you able to be up and about the next day? Or were you bed bound?

Wise words, and I would add that if you know that you are going to have to stay for a few months while you plan your exit: get back on contraception. I know it’s the last thing on your mind right now but you can’t afford to find yourself back here. Is there anyone IRL that you can confide in?

Wishing you all the best

@DrMarshaFieldstone Absolutely. I’m planning to get it done when I have the procedure done this week! Thanks for your support and kindness x

Had this procedure last year. If they offer you gas and air, take it, it really helps ! Have been lurking on this thread and just wanted to say how strong you are, well done for advocating for yourself and your health.
good luck

Ps, think you might have confused gas and air for a general anaesthetic further up. It’s just laughing gas, makes you feel as though you’ve had a whole bottle of wine, you will still be awake it’s just another form of analgesia X

@HP89 its a local anaesthetic. Not gas and air or general.

They will use something to lessen the sensation in the area. But I will be fully awake when it’s done and will “feel some discomfort” during the procedure. I will be going by myself and they said I will be able to walk on my own etc after.

Do you remember if you were ok the next day and able to get up etc? I have tickets to a Xmas thing with my child that day but not sure if I should cancel it.

Thanks so much for your support ! Xx

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough - Yes the procedure is under local but what I mean is they usually have a gas and air cylinder there next to the procedure bed as well as giving you local, so if offered that I would highly recommend taking it as it helps with pain.

I also got an anti inflammatory suppository so prepare for that too just Incase.

I was ok to get up and move around but very slowly. Not sure I would’ve been up for loads of waking but I could get around enough . X

I had an MVA for a missed miscarriage with no pain relief.

I had the choice of general or local anaesthetic. I chose local. The surgeon did the procedure in the operating theatre, with an anaesthetist on standby in case it was too painful for me.

They numbed something (I think my cervix) with the local anaesthetic. That was uncomfortable, similar to being numbed at the dentist.

The rest of the procedure was fine. I felt no pain, some tugging and rummaging but no actual pain. A woman (theatre staff) held my hand the whole time and just chatted with me about everything and nothing. This was very much needed distraction.

Afterwards, I was given some strong pain relief and something to cause my womb to contract via suppository.

I was on the ward for a couple of hours and then, at lunchtime, was kicked out of the bed to go home so they could bring the afternoon surgery list in.

I took public transport home. Physically, this was only just possible. Mentally, I needed the short walk and, weirdly, to feel like I was independent and capable (must have been the hormones!).

I bled like a heavy period and had bad cramps for a few days. It was comparable to the worst period, but manageable. My body felt strangely fragile for a few days. The hormone crash was difficult.

I had to return 2 weeks later for another pregnancy test and scan, to confirm everything was removed.

For me, it wasn’t much of a painful experience. However, given that the surgeon wanted to be ready to convert to a general tells me that sometimes it can be too painful. I think the woman holding my hand made a real difference, I felt safe.

I will also say, it was a very very lonely and isolating experience. I don’t think I have ever felt more alone.

My health was also at risk by the pregnancy and my husband was having a mini breakdown about it, so I felt like I needed to look after him. Even so, he was at least trying and I found it incredibly difficult. I think you might find this side of things very difficult because it sounds like your husband isn’t even trying.

There are many emotions. The sudden hormone crash is horrendous.

Prepare in advance was to look after yourself emotionally. Perhaps queue up some films on affix and buy in your favourite snacks, or get some nice smellies for the shower, or new bed socks.

Something to feel emotionally and physically safe and warm.

I am so sorry for you and wish I could give you an unmumsnetty hug.

I was awake, with local anaesthetic and gas and air. Gas and air is the thing you breathe in, most often you'd see it when people are giving birth or on an ambulance. You feel a bit woozy but it wears off really quickly when you breath air instead of breathing through the sucky tube thing. You don't have to use it but I found it really useful, even just to regulate my breathing.

I was up and about the same day, just a bit achy. Like a sore period I guess.

My husband couldn't come with me (covid times) so I was alone but the team were so excellent. I felt very well looked after. Hope you do too.

Hey all

Just wanted to let everyone know I had the procedure and I’m back home now. Resting in bed.

And to say thanks so much for all the love, support, and advice from all of you. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through this without all of you! Thanks from the bottom of my heart. ❤️❤️❤️

Take very good care of yourself, OP. Onwards and upwards

My goodness OP I hadn't seen this thread until now, I can't imagine how much you've been suffering it sounds horrendous.
Things like this make me truly wish there was some sort of compulsory education and counselling for men who behave like your H. Like it should be part of the treatment that someone tells him exactly what the bloody score is and he's made to understand and feel ashamed for his lack of empathy and care towards you.
I'm immensely relieved to hear that you're no longer pregnant.
And if it's what you want, I look forward to hearing that you are similarly no longer married.
Very very best wishes and a big hug and I hope you feel masses better really soon.

@heldinadream agreed. Sadly, when you look close to their home or upbringing, you can often pinpoint where such behaviours come from or are learnt.

It did not occur to him to offer to go with me - or ask. Or to call me today to ask how I was doing. While that is something I may do or think of instinctively. I’m not sure if someone can learn empathy. Again, you look at a person’s upbringing and can see why they are who they are today.

Thanks for the kind words x

All the unMumsnetty hugs in the world. All the very best OP.

Good god, not one crumb of support from him? What a horribly selfish man. I am so sorry, OP. Rest well, recover and then please consider leaving this awful man.

I had an empty sac with no heartbeat at 6 weeks and it turned out to be a blighted ovum. My body thought I was still pregnant and still having symptoms and releasing pregnancy hormones but I’d already lost the pregnancy. (It was either never an embryo in the first place with just an empty sac, or absorbed into the sac early on)

Also do what’s best for you. No judgment from me whatsoever. Take care of yourself

I'm absolutely horrified! What kind of man wants to put his wife through that again?!

Horrified.

Glad you're OK (as much as you can be!) OP.

Take it nice and easy if you can. Wish you all the best and hope you are tuning knobhead out xx💐