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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Found out I’m pregnant but father is in long term relationship (I didn’t know) he is now trying to force me to abort

127 replies

Bumblebee1230 · 23/09/2023 18:11

Hello

Just looking for a little bit of advice

i have recently just found out I am pregnant, roughly about 7 weeks. I’m 31 and this would be my first pregnancy. It has just come to light the guy I am pregnant too is already in a long term relationship with two children (something I didn’t know at the time and only found out after becoming pregnant)

When I told him I was pregnant he has taken the news really bad and is demanding I get an abortion. He is saying this would ruin his life and it’s unfair for me to go through with it as he should get a say on what happens. He said he can’t believe I haven’t been on contraception and I should have at least been taking the morning after pill

I do agree he should get a day but I don’t want to abort. I told him he is free to walk away and have nothing at all to do with this. I wouldn’t want child maintenance or anything from him, I have a strong support system around me and a decent job so I know I could raise the baby alone

he has said this isn’t good enough and I am selfish. I have told him again I would be keeping it and he is now threatening to leak explicit photos of me and saying he will contact my work and make lies up to get me sacked

i am really scared about the photos being leaked and also scared about him contacting my work. I feel so stuck right now and really unsure on what to do

am I being selfish wanting to keep this baby against his wishes? I feel backed into a corner and like I don’t have much of a choice even though I would love to keep it

any advice would be massively appreciated x

OP posts:

MeMySonAnd1 · 23/09/2023 22:25

Op, treat this bastard as he deserves:

talk to the police about the threats to leak explicit photos and ask them to have a word with him. The sooner it goes in the record the less likely he will leak them.

2)Do as you please, you body your choice but if you go ahead with the pregnancy, he has to pay child maintenance. Don’t get on the high horse of not wanting it, it is not for you, it is so your child can get a small amount of extra money to make up for what you cannot easily provide (you can see it as contribution to baby’s accomodation/nursery costs, you wouldn’t have had those expenses if the guy had just used a condom)

He is desperate for the wife not to know he has cheated, but fuck him, if he cared so much as he thinks he does, he would have not had an affair in the first place and at the very very least would have used a condom. So don’t screw yourself and child up to protect his marriage.

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 22:26

@whereaw Nope, you're right. She doesn't need to do anything more. The unprotected sex with the man in a relationship was enough on that front. She can sit back and, if all goes well, the baby will just appear... or she could take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. Either option is her choice, absolutely.

50lessfat · 23/09/2023 22:26

Report his threats and blackmail to the police. Do not engage with him any more. Your body, your choice.

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 22:30

Also, 100% report him to the police. He sounds absolutely vile and he should not get away with terrorising you just because he made bad decisions.

mamagiorgio · 23/09/2023 22:30

@Ploddingalong679 I’m very sorry that you have lead such a life that you now find yourself being cruel to a vulnerable woman who needs support. Somebody must have hurt you irrevocably. Maybe consider logging off for the day.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:30

@Ploddingalong679 she said she didn't know he was in a relationship. But it's her fault, you're saying?

organicbox · 23/09/2023 22:36

All the people saying you have to report, tell his wife and claim maintenance - these things are all choices too.
They are definitely options, but if you decide you can manage better without all the trauma of involving all those other people and opinions, that's up to you.

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 22:36

@whereaw I'm not saying anything is her fault. He sounds awful and she does not deserve to be threatening/ scared/ blackmailed. But what she does next is her choice and her responsibility, and my point is that inflicting that man on a child is not in the child's best interest. So maybe factor that into her decision. I don't think that's so controversial.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 22:38

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bluedomino · 23/09/2023 22:38

Go to police now. Immediately. Dont wait for him to post photos or contact your employer. Be proactive so that nasty, vicious threat is not hanging over you like the sword of Damocles. Maybe they visit him and watch him delete the photos. Perhaps in future don't let anyone have photos of you.

Claim CMS, it's for the child and every parent should contribute towards their offspring, whether they feel its fair or not. CM is a tiny portion of their wages, nothing like a fair contribution towards raising a child. If he's worried that his wife would find out if he had an attachment of earnings order on his wages, well maybe you would be doing her a favour and the scales would fall from her eyes!
Congratulations and enjoy your baby if that's what you want. Having a man around with a baby is very often a cause of loneliness, frustration and upset. Just look at the Relationship Boards! Doing it on your own is easier as people expect you to need help and are more willing to give assistance. Good luck and don't for one minute feel guilty. He could have kept his dick inside his pants.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 22:39

satellitesunshine · 23/09/2023 21:55

@whereaw i don’t think anyone is trying to make her feel guilty at all. but there’s not really anything wrong with being realistic about the situation

Exactly.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:40

@Ploddingalong679 it is if you're pro choice when she has explicitly said she wants to keep the baby. You're clearly not pro choice. That's fine, but it is controversial, in my opinion.

caringcarer · 23/09/2023 22:41

He can't make you abort. Ultimately it's your body, your choice. As long as you understand and commit to raising the baby alone. You should still go to CMS because the baby has his DNA. If you don't want the money yourself put it into a bank account for your DC once it is born. It would be a nice little nest egg for them to compensate for not having its dad involved in its life. It's good you have a support network you can rely on to help with and show love to baby. As for revenge porn. You should warn him it's illegal and you will be reporting his threat to the police and if he still goes ahead telling his partner and pressing charges. Once you've told him your position block him. If he harasses you ring the police and lodge a complaint. Congratulations on your pregnancy and you will find a baby's love is unconditional and amazing.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:43

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune so in the opposite situation, where a woman is clear they want to abort for whatever reasons they are entitled to, we should make them aware of the reality of their situation..
Eg. But you have a husband and stable home and can give the baby a good life.

Pro choice is pro choice. It's fine that you're not. Just say so.

Takeitonthechin · 23/09/2023 22:50

Tell him, you are keeping the baby and you are also contacting the police, due to the threats. This should shut him up, I would let the police know and they can go round and talk to him at his house, he's the only one ruining his life.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 23:02

Honestly, you say you would love to keep the baby. Keep the baby. This is your baby. You will not regret it. Not that any of that was a question in your original post.

You are not selfish. Quite the opposite.

Its5656 · 23/09/2023 23:03

As others have said what he is threatening is illegal, sounds like he is trying to scare you.
I had my son in very similar circumstances except I was much younger (20) and didn't really have family support. My son is now 21.
It's not easy balancing work/childcare/money but I got through it and provided a loving home for my boy. I got married last year but haven't had anymore children.
His dad has never been involved and I don't think his wife ever found out.. I moved 90miles away from the area we all lived in when my son was 2. How would that work in your situation, Are you likely to still cross paths?
When I look back on the choice I made to go ahead with my pregnancy I do think I was very selfish.. My thoughts were based around how I would cope and how I would be fine without giving much thought to how it would affect my son in the future.. I do feel a lot of guilt over how he was conceived, he deserved better.
For the most part he is fine.. good job, lovely girlfriend and I doesn't seem to be massively affected. He did come home very drunk one night when he was 18 and we had a tearful heart to heart.
It's a tough one but women do it alone all the time.. it's your choice. Don't let him bully you into an abortion.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/09/2023 23:11

Does he know that revenge porn and blackmail are both crimes?

and how he Is going to explain what he’s doing to his wife when he effectively outs himself as a cheat and an arsehole?

he’s not very bright is he?

he’s got far more to lose than you. Silly boy.

make your decision as you see fit. He’s had his “say”. Now you - and only You - get to choose. Good luck op with whatever you decide

whereaw · 23/09/2023 23:12

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune . "I wouldn’t want child maintenance or anything from him, I have a strong support system around me and a decent job so I know I could raise the baby alone".

What are the prerequisites for reproducing? Money? Ability? Social standing? No history of mental health issues? Father in the picture?
Who is judging this?

Why are you strongly advocating for a woman who specifically states multiple times not only that she wants to keep her baby, but would LOVE to, to change her mind and abort?

whereaw · 23/09/2023 23:19

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune it also makes perfect sense, what I said. I am saying the exact same argument you are, just the other way around. Yes, both are nonsense if you are pro choice.

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 23:22

@Its5656 you summed up everything I was trying to say. Thank you for sharing that.

There are two people who matter in the equation. The woman, AND the child. And the woman makes the decision for both of them, so let her consider that decision for the child too.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 23:23

@Ploddingalong679 I'm glad you agree with that post. I do too.

JFDIYOLO · 23/09/2023 23:55

Agree - contact the police tomorrow and report the threat of revenge porn, which is an offence with a maximum sentence of two years imprisonment.

Keep all evidence of his threats.

Here is the information from the government website https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/revenge-porn

And the Crown Prosecution Service https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/revenge-pornography-guidelines-prosecuting-offence-disclosing-private-sexual

Then stop engaging with him.

Your decision about the baby is yours alone.

Engage with the CMS for guidance re maintenance https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/how-to-apply

And advice from someone who has done some stupid things in my time:
Stop having unprotected sex with men you know hardly anything about.