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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Found out I’m pregnant but father is in long term relationship (I didn’t know) he is now trying to force me to abort

127 replies

Bumblebee1230 · 23/09/2023 18:11

Hello

Just looking for a little bit of advice

i have recently just found out I am pregnant, roughly about 7 weeks. I’m 31 and this would be my first pregnancy. It has just come to light the guy I am pregnant too is already in a long term relationship with two children (something I didn’t know at the time and only found out after becoming pregnant)

When I told him I was pregnant he has taken the news really bad and is demanding I get an abortion. He is saying this would ruin his life and it’s unfair for me to go through with it as he should get a say on what happens. He said he can’t believe I haven’t been on contraception and I should have at least been taking the morning after pill

I do agree he should get a day but I don’t want to abort. I told him he is free to walk away and have nothing at all to do with this. I wouldn’t want child maintenance or anything from him, I have a strong support system around me and a decent job so I know I could raise the baby alone

he has said this isn’t good enough and I am selfish. I have told him again I would be keeping it and he is now threatening to leak explicit photos of me and saying he will contact my work and make lies up to get me sacked

i am really scared about the photos being leaked and also scared about him contacting my work. I feel so stuck right now and really unsure on what to do

am I being selfish wanting to keep this baby against his wishes? I feel backed into a corner and like I don’t have much of a choice even though I would love to keep it

any advice would be massively appreciated x

OP posts:
Joeylove88 · 23/09/2023 21:36

It already sounds like you want this baby so don't let anyone force or threaten you into aborting if you don't want too. It's good to be armed with knowledge on the difficulties this situation can potentially bring but in your heart if you want to go ahead with this pregnancy then it is absolutely your choice and right for you. That disgraceful excuse for a man needs reporting to the police if he is threatening to post pictures of you.

AdoraBell · 23/09/2023 21:37

Only you can decide what you do with your body and he should have used contraceptives-condoms- and told you about his long term relationship before having a relationship with you.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 21:39

Grushenka · 23/09/2023 21:35

I’m on my own with two kids since my marriage broke down, and it’s hard enough being a single parent with an ex who adores and wants our kids, who chose to have them and who doted on them from day one. Seriously - it’s difficult, he’s been through poor mental health when he couldn’t see them, the rejection and confusion was tough for them and they were too little to understand.

To have to co-parent (or just have someone lingering around) who is actively dismissive of the child you love, it’s just awful. I wouldn’t go through with it in your position. Not in a million years.

Edited

He's also threatening to commit a vile crime against the OP.

Real father of the year material.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 21:39

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune do it's irrational to feel sad if you have a miscarriage at this stage of pregnancy?

Danielle9891 · 23/09/2023 21:45

First off congratulations I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant with my second and due the 6th May. Honestly I'd block him on everything and if he shows up at your works or house I'd phone the police. He's trying to intimidate you. It's your body and he can't force you to have an abortion. He's the one that cheated and didn't wear a condom. Birth control and the morning after pill doesn't work all the time.

I'd also go for child maintenance when the baby is born and even if you don't need it you can put it in a trust fund.

ActDottie · 23/09/2023 21:46

Keep the baby it is your choice completely as it is your body.

Ring the police 101 and tell them the threat he has made to you. Leaking the images could very likely get him in prison!

Grushenka · 23/09/2023 21:46

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune well, quite

PenelopePlant · 23/09/2023 21:52

How close in proximity are you to this man? Are you going to be in danger?
Desperate people make decisions.

You have to think about your physical safely in this situation. How far is he willing to go to keep his wife from finding out?

If you are unsure, I'd abort in this situation. No good can come from it and you can do better.

As has been said before, this isn't a baby yet, just a cluster of cells with the potential to grow into a baby.

You'll have the chance to bring a baby into the world with parents who both love them then.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 21:52

But she said she wants to keep the baby. She has a support system and can do it.
The ex is making her feel guilty for wanting to keep the baby. Trying to force her into an abortion she SAYS she does not want.

Response from mumsnet - you should feel guilty for keeping the baby/ collection of cells. Have an abortion.

Pro choice means pro choice not try to make someone feel guilty about the choice they have made

YokoOnosBigHat · 23/09/2023 21:53

What a knobhead. He does know that sending anyone those photos would be a criminal act, right?

satellitesunshine · 23/09/2023 21:55

@whereaw i don’t think anyone is trying to make her feel guilty at all. but there’s not really anything wrong with being realistic about the situation

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 21:57

Incredibly selfish to bring a baby into this situation. A child deserves more. Wait until you are in a relationship with the father, or at least that the father isn't a horrible twit.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 21:58

@Ploddingalong679 definitely not pro choice then. My apologies.

Lenny456 · 23/09/2023 21:59

Just tell him you will abort and keep the child. Then just say after 25 weeks you copped out last minute and couldn't do it.

Do what you want, it is your body and his mistake.

Lenny456 · 23/09/2023 22:02

Don't feel guilty about keeping the child and not having a father present. Anything can happen in life. My husband passed away and my children have no father figure. Sometimes people get divorced, sometimes people become unwell. These are the tests that life brings.

mamagiorgio · 23/09/2023 22:03

Your body, your choice. I am a single parent of a precious 7 month-old old baby. Although planned, his father has been completely unreliable and I was alone for the majority of pregnancy. I am here to be honest: Being a single mother is the hardest job in the world. Equally, it is the best decision I have ever made. My little boy is happy, healthy and thriving. He is adored by my family. We are also fortunate enough to be financial secure. I am aware that there may be difficult questions to answer as he grows, but I am prepared. You are absolutely capable of raising your child alone should that be what you decide. However, it’s important to remember that nothing is absolute. There may come a day that this man may want contact with his child. You have to consider how you would manage all possibilities.

Contact the police and if you choose to continue with your pregnancy, contact CMS. Do not let a stranger on Mumsnet bully you or dictate how you should raise your family. Remember that everything changes and things will not always be as chaotic as they seem right now. Take care.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:05

A woman can only have a baby if the man steps up? And if he doesn't it's her fault for going through with it? If there is something more anti-woman than that I don't know what it is!

organicbox · 23/09/2023 22:10

I really feel for you, an incredibly difficult situation you find yourself in.

Everyone will bring a lot of their own stuff to this if you ask them about it, some people have a strong emotional response to affairs, to abortions, to single parenting, to absent fathers, to maintenance/ lack of it. You are going to struggle to get calm thoughtful advice from people because people will find their own triggers in your situation. Try not to crowd source one of the most important decisions of your life.

The important thing is, what do YOU want to do? You sound very clear that you want the pregnancy, and the only hesitations you have are fear of his anger and revenge. If this is the case, then you know what you want. It's a big decision, and the thing you will regret the most is not listening to your own instinct.

As to him, he took this risk when he had an affair. When someone tried to bully you like this, they are relying on your fear. You need to show him that even if he brings his worst, it will not shake you.
You need to go in loud and hard until he sits back down. Even if you a generally calm and nice, you to be fierce and certain. You can tell him if he ever threatens you or anyone who knows you again, you will tell his wife and the police everything.

This is about you. Get sure of whatever you want, and back yourself. Take care.

Ploddingalong679 · 23/09/2023 22:17

A woman can do whatever she likes. She can keep the baby, or abort. Totally her choice, and it should be. However, she can also think of more than herself and also factor in what is best for the unborn child and include that in her decision making. Like having a "dad" who tries to blackmail her into having an abortion.

Yes, circumstances change and people can lose a partner, partner doesn't step up etc etc. But here, it is clear cut at 7 weeks that the father is a total waste of space. Why inflict that on a child if you don't have to just because you want a little baby right now.

Namechangegardens · 23/09/2023 22:19

Op has made it clear that she would love to keep the baby, so why are some posters replying saying that keeping it would be the wrong decision due to absent father? Plenty mothers I know who are in relationships and the father is as good as absent despite sleeping in the same household! Or have gone on to get divorced and had to pick up a significant proportion/all of the childcare.

The OP hasn't made the thread asked if she should have a termination so why are people actively advising her to do so?

OP, if you want the baby absolutely keep the baby. Agree with the other advice that has been given re. Revenge porn.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:20

@Ploddingalong679 that would be true if 'wanting' a little baby right now meant she had to go and do something to get one. She doesn't.

Namechangegardens · 23/09/2023 22:21

whereaw · 23/09/2023 22:05

A woman can only have a baby if the man steps up? And if he doesn't it's her fault for going through with it? If there is something more anti-woman than that I don't know what it is!

This!!!!

24252627a · 23/09/2023 22:22

Go to the police. They will talk to him and make him realise revenge porn is illegal

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:23

You are the one in the power position. Tell him you will contact the police regarding revenge porn. You will tell his partner and you will demand maintenance if he doesn't fuck off

StarDolphins · 23/09/2023 22:25

Tell him you’re keeping the baby & if he wants to risk his job, life, kids & relationship then the threats need to stop or you will report to police & take it as far as you need to.

Tough titty buddy, don’t cheat and wear a condom.

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