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Original poster

Found out I’m pregnant but father is in long term relationship (I didn’t know) he is now trying to force me to abort

127 replies

Bumblebee1230 · 23/09/2023 18:11

Hello

Just looking for a little bit of advice

i have recently just found out I am pregnant, roughly about 7 weeks. I’m 31 and this would be my first pregnancy. It has just come to light the guy I am pregnant too is already in a long term relationship with two children (something I didn’t know at the time and only found out after becoming pregnant)

When I told him I was pregnant he has taken the news really bad and is demanding I get an abortion. He is saying this would ruin his life and it’s unfair for me to go through with it as he should get a say on what happens. He said he can’t believe I haven’t been on contraception and I should have at least been taking the morning after pill

I do agree he should get a day but I don’t want to abort. I told him he is free to walk away and have nothing at all to do with this. I wouldn’t want child maintenance or anything from him, I have a strong support system around me and a decent job so I know I could raise the baby alone

he has said this isn’t good enough and I am selfish. I have told him again I would be keeping it and he is now threatening to leak explicit photos of me and saying he will contact my work and make lies up to get me sacked

i am really scared about the photos being leaked and also scared about him contacting my work. I feel so stuck right now and really unsure on what to do

am I being selfish wanting to keep this baby against his wishes? I feel backed into a corner and like I don’t have much of a choice even though I would love to keep it

any advice would be massively appreciated x

OP posts:
Olika · 23/09/2023 18:49

monsteramunch · 23/09/2023 18:41

I have told him again I would be keeping it and he is now threatening to leak explicit photos of me and saying he will contact my work and make lies up to get me sacked

Screenshot all messages.

Call 101 for advice.

He's broken the law with the threat to leak intimate photos of you.

What a fucking cunt he is.

This

Marblessolveeverything · 23/09/2023 18:50

Depending on your jurisdiction him threatening the photos is a crime and needs reporting.

You are the only person here that gets a say in the pregnancy. If you go ahead then you can claim financial assistance and provide an opportunity for him to have access.

There is no easy options but they are your options. Whatever choice you make there are supports there. Best of 🤞🍀

FrostieBoabby · 23/09/2023 18:52
  1. Have the baby if that is what you want
  2. Covertly record him threatening you with revenge porn
  3. Report him to the police
  4. Get a Child maintenance claim in if you do continue with the pregnancy. Keep it for uni fees/house deposit (or just blow it on lottery tickets) if you don't really need the cash.
MoggyP · 23/09/2023 18:53

Report the threats of revenge porn to the police. This is a crime

I can see why you want someone who would do that out of your life

But I'd still apply for maintenance via CMS - as that is as impersonal as it gets. You can stick it in a savings account for DC if you don't need it to cover bills.

Whataretheodds · 23/09/2023 19:04

I echo the advice to screenshot all messages and write down any conversations you have had with him over the phone or in person. I hope you will feel able to contact the police and tell them that he has him to threatened you with releasing intimate photos (and threatening to contact your work):

Ultimately it's your choice whether to have this baby or not. Neither will be easy, exactly, but you should feel free to choose the better option for YOU and noone else.

If you are in 2 minds about keeping it you could contact Marie Stopes for some free and impartial counselling. You absolutely should not be forced into an abortion by his dreadful behaviour.

Please also cut yourself plenty of slack right now - your hormones are surging. Get yourself signed off work if it would help, and talk to someone you trust in real life.

And you can claim CMS with a clear conscience.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 19:05

FrostieBoabby · 23/09/2023 18:52

  1. Have the baby if that is what you want
  2. Covertly record him threatening you with revenge porn
  3. Report him to the police
  4. Get a Child maintenance claim in if you do continue with the pregnancy. Keep it for uni fees/house deposit (or just blow it on lottery tickets) if you don't really need the cash.

Why on earth would anyone want to be tied for life to some criminal vengeful asshole? This is not cause for congratulations; it's a toxic horrible situation.

It's what abortion exists for. Don't derail your entire life and saddle a new human with this scenario.

The scaremongering fertility industry has really been so destructive, when 30 year olds think an accidental pregnancy by some loser is their "last chance."

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2023 19:08

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 19:05

Why on earth would anyone want to be tied for life to some criminal vengeful asshole? This is not cause for congratulations; it's a toxic horrible situation.

It's what abortion exists for. Don't derail your entire life and saddle a new human with this scenario.

The scaremongering fertility industry has really been so destructive, when 30 year olds think an accidental pregnancy by some loser is their "last chance."

Show quote history

Harsh but agree. I never understand on mumsnet why getting pregnant by a total loser is something to be congratulated on.

heartbroken22 · 23/09/2023 19:30

What a pig and how dare he threaten you like that. Say you will report him to the police for threatening you and keep all proof even if it means writing it down in a book that he threatened you on so and so day with the words so and so.

He should have used a condom idiot.

Pallisers · 23/09/2023 19:36

Obviously this is your choice but there is no way I would keep the pregnancy in this scenario - especially as it is so early on. You will be tied to him for your life. Yeah he might disappear into the sunset but he might not. How will you feel if he decides he wants to see his child?

He is a pig and not someone I would want in my life in any way at all. I would text him that you will be reporting him to the police if he posts revenge porn. Then block him while you make your decision.

Cowlover89 · 23/09/2023 19:42

Go straight to the police x

lapsedbookworm · 23/09/2023 19:48

He's blackmailing you, I would speak to the police and or a lawyer.

Dont let him pressure you into an abortion, its your choice not his

whereaw · 23/09/2023 19:52

If you're concerned about the best interests of the baby, surely it's better to be born and have a chance at love and life? Especially with a doting caring mother who will give up everything for you. These responses....! When a woman has explicitly said she WANTS this baby!

Redwinestillfine · 23/09/2023 19:53

Report him to the police for trying to blackmail you, have a discreet word with HR, no need to go I to details but mention an abusive ex and how he is threatening to leak pictures and that the police are involved. This will backfire on him. He is scared his wife will find out he's a cheat. Let the police tell her he's a bully too.

RicktheBrick · 23/09/2023 19:57

I'd be telling him that his wife/partner will be informed (with evidence; texts, calls, pictures?) if he posts any photos or tries to get you sacked from your job. I'd also report to the police as they will class it as domestic abuse. I'm sure the threat of all that will be enough to get him to back off.

That being said, I tend to agree with others questioning why anyone would want a baby by some lying cheating arse hole like him, because they think it's their only chance. Just consider what you will do when your child is old enough to ask questions about their father.

whereaw · 23/09/2023 20:00

Also many many many women do regret abortions. It is not the blasé thing it's so often made out to be.

HermioneWeasley · 23/09/2023 20:01

@Pallisers makes an excellent point - you are tied to this awful man for at least 18 years. He might decide he wants access and be a total deadbeat dad who drives you demented. He might be abusive but given access anyway. You need to go into this eyes wide open

WedRine · 23/09/2023 20:01

Do you know where he lives? I'd be threatening him back that if he doesn't fuck off into the sunset, he will be explaining to his long term gf why a DD leaves his account every month to CMS.

Delphinium20 · 23/09/2023 20:03

He actually sounds dangerous. If I were you, I would lie to him and say you are getting an abortion but you no longer want to see him anymore. Then block him and warn your employer a man has threatened you. But obviously keep your baby if you want to. You don't need him.

I'm not sure if the police should be involved yet, but smarter people in your country could advise you on this path.

noaddedsugarx · 23/09/2023 20:06

I’m sure you literally posted the exact same post last week (apart from the revenge porn part). You were given loads of advice then and I don’t think you ever responded to it.

Personally I couldn’t be tied to someone like that but only you know what you can live with.

Theimpossiblegirl · 23/09/2023 20:07

What an absolute fucker.
He's a cheat and he's threatening you.

If you want your baby, keep it. He chose to sleep with you so should pay for his child.

As for the threats, screenshot everything and report him. Also talk to someone at work and say he is threatening you.

I feel sorry for his partner and kids too, but you have done nothing wrong, it's all on him.

2chocolateoranges · 23/09/2023 20:07

If he threatens you again with leaking pictures tell him if that happens you will go straight to his wife and tell her everything!

CapturedLeprechaun · 23/09/2023 20:11

You'll be tied to this man for 18 years. Choosing the father of your child is one of the most important decisions you can make for your child.

I love my kids, deeply. But I regret every day the father I chose for them. I have no doubt that despite all the love I show them, and all my best efforts, that my children will one day end up in therapy due to how awful he is. You can't shield your child from this completely, however much you may think now that you can.

If he's completely uninvolved, your child will grow up with siblings they don't know, and knowing their father wanted them but not him/her.

If he decides he wants contact with your child, he/she will have this twat in their life for 18 years.

You're young. This isn't your only chance at pregnancy. Meet a decent man and try it then. Don't let your hormones make your decisions here, use your rational brain and don't think about what YOU want, have a think about whether this situation is honestly the best situation to bring a child into.

Chickensaredinosaurs · 23/09/2023 20:14

Don’t listen to his lies. If you getting pregnant would ruining his life then the had the option to not have sex with you, or to use a condom. He doesn’t get a say, he had his say when he chose to have unprotected sex when he could have said no. He is trying to bully you and will say anything to get what he wants.

Go to the police and report the threats. It’s best to have a record and a crime number in case things escalate.

I would speak privately to a manager or HR at work about what is happening so they can put measures in place to protect you at work.

itsallaboutthedollar · 23/09/2023 20:16

I think you'll be is the selfish one- wanting his cake and eating it al the while playing happy families with his partner and kids! Why the hell was he not using condoms since he is so worried about ruining his family? Maybe his partner needs to see the complete ball bag for what he is!! A low life, self indulgent self dick head !

You do what's right for you love, but don't be bullied by this 'man'

newyearsresolurion · 23/09/2023 20:17

Keep your baby and report him the loser to the police