Found out I’m pregnant but not in relationship with the father. He is trying to push me to abort but I really don’t want to. Am I selfish?

[Sunflower1912]

Hello,

Bit of a long post

I have recently just found out I am pregnant roughly about 6 weeks. I am not in a proper relationship with the baby’s father and haven’t been seeing him that long.

I am 31 and this will be my first pregnancy. I knew the news was going to be a bit of a shock to the father but didn’t realise how bad his reaction was going to be. He is trying to make me get an abortion and being very horrible. He is saying I am so selfish to want to keep the baby against his wishes and I need to take into account what he wants. He has been constantly messaging me with really nasty messages and saying I can’t go through with this. He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

I have just found out he is in another relationship and already has children. I didn’t know this at the time of me seeing him. I am assuming this is why he feels so strongly about not wanting this pregnancy. I have said he doesn’t need to have any part In this and is welcome to walk away. I wouldn’t even try for child maintenance or ask him for anything but he said this wouldn’t be good enough

I am really struggling with this situation as I really don’t want to abort. I have a strong family support unit around me and also have a decent paying job so think I would be fine to support the baby alone but I am crippled with guilt towards him thinking I am ruining his life

i also feel really guilty towards his partner and other children thinking how this will affect them. Am I being selfish wanting to keep the baby? I am really struggling with this situation at the moment and just feel so depressed and sad

any advice would be so appreciated xx

If you feel remotely unsafe of like he might attack you so that you have a miscarriage, then you do need to lie and say you're terminating it for your own safety or move. Op do you think he's violent?

Ops baby daddy doesn't even need to tell his partner or his kids about the baby.

Modern technology means it will all come out in the end.

I don't think any man who would behave like this is a good choice for a father.

I'm thinking that as you didn't use any birth control this was a planned pregnancy? He is obviously a terrible choice of father and the baby is probably better off without him. It's sad for the baby but plenty of women raise children on their own.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I'm sorry the father is being so unpleasant.

This is such a personal decision that only you can make. It sounds like this is very much a wanted DC by you, which is wonderful. I don't think the perspective of the father is something you should factor in, save that you should recognise it's likely that he will continue to be unpleasant for the duration of your pregnancy and as your DC grows, and that might be painful for you both in the long term. In terms of the pregnancy itself, it's your body and ultimately it's up to you what happens next.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, it would be a good idea to turn your attention to ensuring you can provide a loving, stable and secure home for your DC to be. Parenting is hard work, and I found it hardest of all in the early days. You will need a support network around you, be they friends, family, paid help or a combination of those. You don't need input from a father who sounds unkind, untrustworthy and unpleasant.

I would suggest trying to surround your DC with positive male role models in the absence of a good father figure, and I would echo the solid advice of those above about birth certificates and maintenance.

In case it's of interest, my mum is a single mum. My childhood was fine, but if I'm brutally honest I did feel the absence of a loving father (I still do, to be honest). I saw how much easier life was for my friends who had fathers who were on the scene and financially supportive. But that's just life, and it's rarely perfect. I'd much rather be here than not, and I'm sure that those friends who have loving and supportive fathers will have their own gripes about the parenting they were provided with.

These days, blended families are ten a penny, so if you do decide to proceed, it doesn't mean that you won't end up in a loving relationship with other DCs down the line. Blended families come with their own perks and challenges (as evidenced by the threads on here), but you won't be short of support from those in similar situations.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.

@Hubblebubble Ah sorry, I misunderstood.

DH and I took a risk once with no contraception and of course, DD arrived nine months later. 😂 We were planning to TTC in the near future anyway so it was fine.

But it’s just daft for someone not to use a condom when they clearly don’t want to risk pregnancy.

You must absolutely do what's right for you, but if you have the baby you'll have ties to this awful man for the rest of your life. Is that what's best for you?

Going against the grain, but you are 31 years old and seem to have no problem getting pregnant. Why choose this man to be the father of your child? Why do you want to have a baby right now, outside a relationship? Why saddle yourself and your child with the shadow of a resentful, unwilling father for the rest of your lives?

If he comes around to wanting contact, you'll have to deal with this random cheater for the rest of your lives at birthdays, graduations, wedding etc. There have to be better candidates out there, and if you are happy to go it alone, there are surely better options than this guy.

op u are NOT selfish.
it is YOUR baby, you will give birth to him/her, and you will be a fabulous mum.

this arsehole has absolute zero right tos demand you have an abortion. how fuxking dare he!!? don't give into him, or anyone else who tries to be negative about it. this is YOUR life, YOUR body and YOUR baby.
you are not the first or the last to be in this situation.
if you give into him and have an abortion you will have a life or regrets. different if you didn't want to baby also but you do so go for it girl, no more communication with the twat and start enjoying your new pregnancy. Congratulations!

The option to leave the father off the birth certificate isn't to give the mother the choice as to whether they want the father involved or not. The father can at any point decide to go to court to order a DNA test. And if the father is abusive, this can be very hard to prove, which you would need to prove to have their rights removed.

He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

Of course it's your fault, not like condoms exist or anything men like this are pathetic

But equally if you're having sex with someone you haven't known long and aren't really in a relationship with, then you should be using contraception. Yes, the man should definitely be using condoms as a matter of course because they protect against STDs but personal responsibility goes both ways.

I would bot saddle someone with this life. Children should be planned for and enthusiastically wanted by both parents.

We aren't animals that bear the offspring of passing strangers.

Do not abort if you don't want to

This is completely your choice and fuck all to do with him, especially since he decided not to sort contraception his side

You've given the chance to walk away with zero responsibility, so he should snap this up and count his blessings.

Personally I'd now block him and focus on looking after yourself and your baby

Hi OP, first of all congratulations 😍😍. Second of all I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this pig of a human and his abuse at such a vulnerable time.
You are not selfish. You must have your sweet baby if you want it. And claim that maintenance too 💪🏻 it’s for your baby and they deserve it.
In the meantime block this pathetic excuse for a man and concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy 😍

Hi @Sunflower1912 couldn’t read and run. I was the child born into this exact same situation and from my perspective I’ve had a good life.
It is harder not knowing your father and there are some abandonment issues in all honesty. But I also have a husband and kids of my own now and am very happy. My mum was great and you and your child can be have a lovely life if that’s what you want x

It sounds like neither of you bothered to use contraception. Was it your intention to get pregnant? It wasn’t really an ideal situation to bring a baby into anyway since yous weren’t in a relationship but now you know he’s got a family it’s a whole other ball game.

That being said… plenty of people have happy and fulfilling childhoods and grow into well adjusted adults without a father figure so I don’t get the people who are making out the kid will be traumatised.

Sorry but ‘you're already in your 30's and there might not be a chance for you to have a child again’ is just ridiculous. The OP is 31 not approaching 40.

In your situation I would terminate the pregnancy, purely because I wouldn't want to be tied to such a horrendous man for the next 18 years. 6 weeks is still very early.
But it is completely your choice, you should make the decision you feel is right for you, it's not his place, he gave up his choice when he chose not to use a condom.

You are NOT ruining his life - end of.

I think the first para here is worth reading op as you DO have options and you do have plenty of time to find a family to have kids on if you want to. But it sounds from
Your op that you do feel very ready to be a single mum now