Found out I’m pregnant but not in relationship with the father. He is trying to push me to abort but I really don’t want to. Am I selfish?

[Sunflower1912]

Hello,

Bit of a long post

I have recently just found out I am pregnant roughly about 6 weeks. I am not in a proper relationship with the baby’s father and haven’t been seeing him that long.

I am 31 and this will be my first pregnancy. I knew the news was going to be a bit of a shock to the father but didn’t realise how bad his reaction was going to be. He is trying to make me get an abortion and being very horrible. He is saying I am so selfish to want to keep the baby against his wishes and I need to take into account what he wants. He has been constantly messaging me with really nasty messages and saying I can’t go through with this. He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

I have just found out he is in another relationship and already has children. I didn’t know this at the time of me seeing him. I am assuming this is why he feels so strongly about not wanting this pregnancy. I have said he doesn’t need to have any part In this and is welcome to walk away. I wouldn’t even try for child maintenance or ask him for anything but he said this wouldn’t be good enough

I am really struggling with this situation as I really don’t want to abort. I have a strong family support unit around me and also have a decent paying job so think I would be fine to support the baby alone but I am crippled with guilt towards him thinking I am ruining his life

i also feel really guilty towards his partner and other children thinking how this will affect them. Am I being selfish wanting to keep the baby? I am really struggling with this situation at the moment and just feel so depressed and sad

any advice would be so appreciated xx

I'd be inclined to say send a message saying "fine, I hear you, I'll sort it" and then block him on everything.

Go it alone and if you can manage without it, do it without him

However you do have a right to support. he knows how to use a condom, have a vasectomy or refrain from having sex with people who aren't his wife so it isn't on you if they get hurt. In fact of say she has a right to find out.

Congratulations, I suppose the decision for you is whether to just stop communicating, block him, go it alone and leave him off the birth certificate so there are no complications from him being in your life. Or, go it alone but claim maintenance with the understanding it could lead to him causing issues in your life.
There isn't a right orwrong answer here, you have to choose what is right for you.
Also think about what you will tell your child when they ask about their dad and if you are happy with that. Pretty sure there will be online resources to look at all of this with some good advice too😊
Good luck

Your body and your choice.

But I don't think being the child of a parent who actively doesn't want you and puts his energies into another family is a choice that I would make for a child.

You're not being selfish. It's your body, your choice. His circumstances and choices aren't your problem.
However, I personally would not want to bring a child into these complicated circumstances. You should think long and hard about the reality of being a single parent, being tied to this man forever and your child having a father who doesn't want them. It's not a situation I would want my child to be born into.

Ignore what he says, block him. It's you carrying this child for 9ish months and raising and taking care. You do what you want.

Do what YOU want to do. You're the one that has to deal with either a baby or a termination. Either will have an impact on your life.

He's going around cheating on his partner without using protection, yet is throwing his toys out of the pram because what? Child support? His partner might leave him? Consequences love!

He's a grown man and he put optimising his pleasure above simple biology and the principles of cause and effect. Have sex without a condom, you might end up with a pregnancy. Cheat on your partner, you might blow up your life.

He doesn't get to bully you into making his life easier.

But do go for child support when the time comes. Bastard.

No, it’s your choice. Plenty of wonderful kids are raised by their mums. I’m a single mum myself; it’s not easy but it is wonderful.

Y, he gets zero say, but if you decide to proceed with the pregnancy seek financial maintenance via CMS etc, for the DC’s benefit.

Agree with PPs though that I would reflect on the down sides for the DC of having this man as their father. And you having to deal with him in the future, even if his choice is to be a deadbeat dad with little or no contact.

Not exactly the same scenario, but I am the daughter of a dad who didn't want his children and took and continued to take bare minimum interest.

It has its difficulties, sure. But I mean... I'm glad I'm alive? PPs are making having an absent father sound like some absolutely diabolical fate 🤣 it's certainly not worth aborting a WANTED baby over!! If the lack of a father was putting OP off because she didn't want to be in that situation, fine. But it isn't.

You say you want this baby, OP. You say you have the means and the support. That sounds well and good to me.

It's not remotely his decision.

If you want to keep it, can support it yourself, have a good stable job and family help, no you're not selfish. He doesn't have to be involved (and it doesn't sound like you want him to be).

i think generally all decisions to procreate are selfish, it's not exactly altruistic.

but so what if you are being selfish, if you want a baby and don't mind not having him involved then go ahead.

he is a liar and a twat and clearly a shit cheating father so not exactly a loss on your part.

@Highlyflavouredgravy

Are you for real?!!!! FFS.

Thank you for sharing your story @Lulasun, lived experience and common sense.

Is this an environment that you want to bring a child into? Condemning him to a father who wishes he was dead? You are not the only consideration here. Is this man the sort of man you would dream of to father your child? Does he have a great personality, caring intelligent and self sacrificing? Tbh he sounds like none of those things. Doesn't your prospective child deserve better? Don't you deserve better than trying to negotiate co-parenting with a deceitful wanker who threatens you, and makes life for you and the child difficult?

The problem is, the father will know he has a child out there that he doesn't live with or see, and your child will have half siblings they don't know about and vice versa, and that feels very wrong. You're going into this knowing that your child will likely never have a relationship with their biological father or half siblings. They were born from outside of the family unit that their father has with his own family and will find out when they grow up. If they find out when they are still children, i cant imagine they will view you or the child very well. This situation feels so wrong. But you're already in your 30's and there might not be a chance for you to have a child again. There is no need for him to be horrible even if he didn't want the pregnancy, that's just abusive. He could pursue a relationship with your child in the future, he could start being horrible around them towards you, and the child will end up copying their fathers difficult behaviours.

Every time a man ejaculates inside a woman he is consenting to becoming a father, regardless of what he says. Have your baby. If he wants to be constructively involved, fine, if not, raise your sweet little one with the help of family and friends.

And you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. He's the lying, cheating scumbag who doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. You're a mum who loves the precious life within her. Good luck and Godspeed to you and your little one.

I would advise you to think first what is best for the baby.

If you think you'll be happy to raise a child on your own, and you'll make up for a missing father (as many single parents do), then I think you should go ahead.

I would disagree with some pp on forcing him to contribute anything financially for the child, he shows that he'll only be toxic and will potentially hurt your child long term.
To have a father that was forced to recognise you, sees your existence as a punishment or betrayal of his will and feels spiteful for contributing on your needs is worse that not having a father at all.

If you are to have the child alone, have it totally alone, maybe even lie to the father that you've had an abortion (or if you don't want to lie, leave a hint that you might consider it and give no other news).
It seems that he is never going to add anything positive to the child's (or your) life.
In the contrary, he might add a lot of pain.

But I would also urge you to think if this is really what you want.
You're still young (you know you're fertile), and maybe you can meet someone to start a lovely family where everyone is 100% in it.

It's your body and your choice. He had a choice to not fuck you. He had a choice to use contraception. Now he has no choice and has to live with the consequences of his actions. Keep the baby. Get child maintenance when the baby is born. He might not want to be in the child's life but he has an obligation to provide for it.

Can’t blame him for feeling that way, I’d feel the same. But ultimately it’s your decision and not his so put yourself first

This is absolutely bang on! He is the liar, he is the one who forgot to mention his partner and children, you have done nothing wrong. If you want the baby and can you have it! And don't agree that he doesn't need to pay for a baby he created.

OP - the 'selfish' question is one you should look at ONLY in the context of a future baby, NOT this man.

Can you care for a baby? Give them a home which is emotionally secure, and provide for their material needs? Make adjustments to your own life as needed to support your child, and bring them into a happy situation in which they can thrive.

If yes, you are not selfish.

If you go ahead it doesn't sound as if he would be a good or present Dad, so consider what involvement you would want - if any. If he has little money and already has responsibilities for other kids a tiny amount of CMS may not be worth the hassle. You can choose not to put him on the birth certificate and of course the baby will have your surname.

Loving that he can't believe you weren't using contraception! Suggest in future he takes responsibility for his own fertility, and stay faithful to his partner if that's what he's pretending to be.

Look I want to say 'keep the baby if that's what you want' and ultimately it is your choice.
Yes, he might disappear never to be seen again, but he might also be a present/semi present shit dad who causes your child emotional harm. He has already shown himself to be a horrible person.
And you are not responsible for his actions, but you are ultimately the only person who can make the decision on what sort of person your child puts up with for the test of their life.
It is your decision, but you need to figure out if that decision is what's best for the child AND you, not just you - it's their life, their father.
It's all very well people saying 'well I had a shit dad and I was fine' - a lot of people aren't.
It's all very well people coming on with experiences saying 'well my partner turned into a shit dad, but how was I supposed to know' but you do ALREADY know he's awful, and it is wrong of me or anyone else to say 'fuck it, have the baby it'll be fine' because ultimately you would be knowingly setting your child up for the likelihood they will have a horrible person as a father.
So sorry you're having to deal with this, and wishing you all the best in dealing with it.

Congratulations OP .
This could have been written by my DD . She had her baby alone father not on the scene at all. Many children grow up without a father,many who were around for a few months or years and then disappeared. It’s how you handle the question when older that will make a difference. My grandchild is three and still hasn’t really asked about Daddy. She has lots of other really caring male adult role models who adore her.
DD is a brilliant Mummy and completed MA whilst looking after a toddler .
As long as you have family support you should be fine.
Just be prepared for being tired and financially depleted!

I think you need to remove him from the equation and think about yourself and the child.

Think about being a single parent, how you will do it practically, whether you want to be tied to this man forever, what it means for your child to have this man as its father. Think about what your life will be and your child’s and make the decision on that basis.

Also be really honest with yourself about your feelings for him and whether you really want this baby in order to keep yourself important in his life. That’s a normal emotion but not a good reason to keep the baby and you need check yourself to make sure that’s not what you’re doing.