Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Found out I’m pregnant but not in relationship with the father. He is trying to push me to abort but I really don’t want to. Am I selfish?

95 replies

Sunflower1912 · 18/09/2023 11:08

Hello,

Bit of a long post

I have recently just found out I am pregnant roughly about 6 weeks. I am not in a proper relationship with the baby’s father and haven’t been seeing him that long.

I am 31 and this will be my first pregnancy. I knew the news was going to be a bit of a shock to the father but didn’t realise how bad his reaction was going to be. He is trying to make me get an abortion and being very horrible. He is saying I am so selfish to want to keep the baby against his wishes and I need to take into account what he wants. He has been constantly messaging me with really nasty messages and saying I can’t go through with this. He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

I have just found out he is in another relationship and already has children. I didn’t know this at the time of me seeing him. I am assuming this is why he feels so strongly about not wanting this pregnancy. I have said he doesn’t need to have any part In this and is welcome to walk away. I wouldn’t even try for child maintenance or ask him for anything but he said this wouldn’t be good enough

I am really struggling with this situation as I really don’t want to abort. I have a strong family support unit around me and also have a decent paying job so think I would be fine to support the baby alone but I am crippled with guilt towards him thinking I am ruining his life

i also feel really guilty towards his partner and other children thinking how this will affect them. Am I being selfish wanting to keep the baby? I am really struggling with this situation at the moment and just feel so depressed and sad

any advice would be so appreciated xx

OP posts:
PrincessOfTigger · 18/09/2023 13:59

Agree definitely don’t abort a wanted baby just because the dad is an idiot… loads of babies of single mums grow up loved & happy & not knowing any different

MammaTo · 18/09/2023 14:11

I know this goes against the grain and I’m really really sorry you’re in this position but myself personally I couldn’t continue with a pregnancy if I wasn’t in a relationship with the father.
It can be done, there are some amazing single mums out there. But I wouldn’t have the strength to do it, I like the idea of being a family unit and a child having 2 loving parents who wanted him/her.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 14:16

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Although not necessarily planned, it's seems like you are happy and want to go ahead.

My advice is to go ahead, it's you that will live with this decision and if you are happy, have support etc then listen to yourself.

As for him, he doesn't have to be involved but he should be responsible for his actions and pay support maintenance through the system if needs be. He had unprotected sex with you, knew what he was doing, he's vile.

To answer your question, no, you aren't being selfish,

jolaylasofia · 18/09/2023 14:19

i personally wouldn't bring a baby into the world knowing that it won't have a relationship with its father. I think that's pretty unfair. I also don't think it's fair to ruin the lives of two other little children regardless if you knew in the beginning or not. You do know now.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 14:21

Highlyflavouredgravy · 18/09/2023 12:02

Why would you want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want a baby? Why bring a child into the world whose father doesn't want it?
A baby who willl grow up either not knowing who their father was or knowing that they were not wanted or loved?

Well that's a silly comment. You can have a baby with someone who wants it then leave you...

Topseyt123 · 18/09/2023 14:38

If you want the baby then you go ahead and have the baby. He has no right to dictate.

I'd send him one more message pointing out that this is your body and your decision. You therefore do not intend to bend to the whims of a lying, cheating scumbag. Then block him.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate as that would give him parental rights and an easier means by which to continue to abuse and control you. Also, give the baby your surname, not his.

Make no further efforts to contact him and engage in no further discussion.

It sounds like you do really want this baby and you have good support around you despite your arsehole of an ex. So go for it if that's what you wish. I'm sure you'll be a lovely mum.

I wish you well and I hope all goes smoothly.

PrincessOfTigger · 18/09/2023 14:39

jolaylasofia · 18/09/2023 14:19

i personally wouldn't bring a baby into the world knowing that it won't have a relationship with its father. I think that's pretty unfair. I also don't think it's fair to ruin the lives of two other little children regardless if you knew in the beginning or not. You do know now.

That’s just another way of letting men control women’s reproductive choices. If the baby is wanted by its mother, that’s all that matters. I know loads of people including my own son who have no relationship with their biological father, and about none of them do I think “wow you should never have been born” lol.

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 14:40

I continued the pregnancy when the father didn't want me to. For me, personally it was the right choice. Nobody should be coerced into an unwanted termination and nobody should be coerced into continuing a pregnancy.

I lost a lot of our mutual friends because I wasn't pandering to/bowing down to the fathers wants. Never mind. I have the most wonderful son.

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 14:41

Also, in true mumsnet style, he has my name and I have sole PR.

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 14:43

Also, OP and ex could've been using a condom. I was. They aren't 100% effective

jolaylasofia · 18/09/2023 14:52

@PrincessOfTigger it's my personal opinion of how i would feel. i'm sure most women don't go through a pregnancy knowing that the dad is going to disappear. It's 1 thing being in a relationship and not knowing what will happen in future but entirely different to make a purposeful choice about someone's life

Issummernearlyover · 18/09/2023 15:05

The same happened to me. I was shocked how he tried to force me to have a termination.

I'm so glad that I had my baby. She's brought so much to my life and when she was 9 I married a wonderful man who was happy to become her dad. Please enjoy your pregnancy and baby. I wish you all the best.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 15:29

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 11:16

Dump the guy, keep the baby, go it alone, leave him off the birth certificate.
Men like this go one of two ways when the baby arrives.

They either disappear off into the sunset forever, or they suddenly decide it's their baby too but really they just want to control you and make your life miserable by stopping you having autonomy with the baby that wouldn't exist if they'd had their way.

Honestly, you're not ruining his life by having a baby that you want, love and can support. You'd be definitely ruining the baby's life by getting rid of it to make a cheating arsehole happy when you actually want this baby, and you'd have to live with that for the rest of your life.

If he was that bothered he should have a) not cheated on his partner and b) worn a condom.

Just block him and move on. Cheating scumbag that he is.

Edited

I agree with this entirely if you want to keep the baby! Do not let someone bully into a termination. You can absolutely block him. Then confide in your friends and family about what's happened. It's shocking enough finding out your boyfriend has a whole family let alone being pregnant.

You don't need to ask his permission to go ahead or make deals with him to get his blessing. You do what feels right for you.

I've been single mum since pregnant and I don't regret it but like you I have great family and finances are good enough to cope alone!

What I do NOT agree with is not expecting any financial support from him- even if your pride doesn't want to ask, it's the baby's money and it will help you take more mat leave or spend extra time with baby. Even if you didn't touch a penny of it - say he earns 30,000 a year I think you'd get £100 a month (12% of salary divided by three kids- use CMA calculator to be sure) if you stuck that in a savings account and baby will have 20,000 + compound interest saved up! You don't need to think about this now though .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 15:32

Thehonestbadger · 18/09/2023 11:43

@Sunflower1912

If you honestly didn’t know about his partner/kids then you are absolved of any reason to feel guilty, it’s 100% his fault and you’ve done nothing morally dubious at all. So the fact he has a partner and kids should play absolutely no part in your decision. You can feel bad for his partner, I do, but you need to STOP feeling guilty and get your big girl pants on fast as if you show any weakness you will be wrongly painted out as the ‘bad guy’ rather than the victim. Which you are, he lied to you and mislead you for sex. His behaviour has been horrid and sneaky and down right bad.

Would you have consented to having sex had he not lied to you? If the answer is no then you’ve really been, in my opinion, assaulted. Intentionally misleading someone to get them to have sex with you is awful! No matter how bad you might feel for his partner you are also the victim here and do not forget that!

If you want to have the baby then have them. Screw ‘not claiming child support’ that money isn’t yours it’s your child’s and they are entitled to it. You should absolutely claim it, regardless of whether he likes it or not. Regardless of what guilt he lays on you.

‘I will be keeping the baby. You have no option here as it’s not your body. You had a choice to wear a condom and you didn’t do it. You never checked I was on contraception so I never lied to you, unlike you who apparently forgot he had a partner and children. Probably should have mentioned that huh, I’d never have slept with you if I’d known. Your involvement and opinions in this pregnancy are now finished and any abusive messages…etc will be logged with the police. I will be claiming child support as my child is entitled to it. Next time wear a condom, or tell the girl you’re trying to sleep with that you have a partner and kids! Bye’

This is perfect advice

HamBone · 18/09/2023 15:35

So neither of you used contraception?

He can hardly complain if neither of you were using contraception, how does he think babies are made?!

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 15:39

Going to say this a little louder for the people at the back, but no form of contraception is infallible, including condoms.

For all we know, they were using condoms and something else.

HamBone · 18/09/2023 15:50

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 15:39

Going to say this a little louder for the people at the back, but no form of contraception is infallible, including condoms.

For all we know, they were using condoms and something else.

He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

@Hubblebubble No need to be sarcastic, we all know that contraception can fail.

But, the impression from the above quote is that he wasn’t using a condom and the OP hasn’t mentioned that it was a contraception fail nor that she took the morning after pill.

She may return and clarify. But he def. took a risk not using a condom.

hotcandle · 18/09/2023 15:52

Block him, keep the baby, apply for child maintenance and live your life.

Does he know where you live? His panic and nasty messages would put me on edge a little that he might turn up at your address.

Keep yourself safe x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 15:58

PrincessOfTigger · 18/09/2023 12:54

No, it’s your choice. Plenty of wonderful kids are raised by their mums. I’m a single mum myself; it’s not easy but it is wonderful.

Yes I agree!!
This child will know how much they were loved and wanted x

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 15:59

@HamBone I wasn't being sarcastic. A lot of people are jumping to conclusions. You'd be surprised how many women don't know that taking certain antibiotics makes the pill ineffective. That being obese can make the morning after pill fail. Not to mention coils burrowing off and not working.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 16:02

Somanycats · 18/09/2023 13:16

Is this an environment that you want to bring a child into? Condemning him to a father who wishes he was dead? You are not the only consideration here. Is this man the sort of man you would dream of to father your child? Does he have a great personality, caring intelligent and self sacrificing? Tbh he sounds like none of those things. Doesn't your prospective child deserve better? Don't you deserve better than trying to negotiate co-parenting with a deceitful wanker who threatens you, and makes life for you and the child difficult?

She doesn't have to coparent with him he won't be involved

Children need one parent who adores them and is an attachment figure to thrive. Op might also get a blended family later.

There is no need to tell baby it's father wanted it dead. There are probably thousands of babies born every year that at least one parent considered termination when pregnant don't be so dramatic.

This baby will be hugely loved.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 16:04

wesleycheese · 18/09/2023 13:29

The problem is, the father will know he has a child out there that he doesn't live with or see, and your child will have half siblings they don't know about and vice versa, and that feels very wrong. You're going into this knowing that your child will likely never have a relationship with their biological father or half siblings. They were born from outside of the family unit that their father has with his own family and will find out when they grow up. If they find out when they are still children, i cant imagine they will view you or the child very well. This situation feels so wrong. But you're already in your 30's and there might not be a chance for you to have a child again. There is no need for him to be horrible even if he didn't want the pregnancy, that's just abusive. He could pursue a relationship with your child in the future, he could start being horrible around them towards you, and the child will end up copying their fathers difficult behaviours.

He 'could' lots of hypothetical.
My ex also 'could' try that too but I'd come down on him like a ton of bricks and put boundaries in place and reluctantly have to reduce contact if so, so I don't think he'd continue.

Op don't put him on the birth certificate (I don't think he'd agree to go and sign it anyway tbh)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 16:08

jolaylasofia · 18/09/2023 14:19

i personally wouldn't bring a baby into the world knowing that it won't have a relationship with its father. I think that's pretty unfair. I also don't think it's fair to ruin the lives of two other little children regardless if you knew in the beginning or not. You do know now.

It's not ruining their lives. Ops baby daddy doesn't even need to tell his partner or his kids about the baby.

If he does then they get a little half brother that they see if dad sorts himself out, or they don't, but knowing the have a relation out there won't ruin their lives.

If the baby makes the baby daddy's wife leave him then it was his failing not ops

Servalan · 18/09/2023 16:08

Your body, your choice. He is a grown up and if he didn't want a woman he was having sex with to get pregnant, he should have taken equal responsibility for contraception.

I don't understand why he would be absolved of paying maintenance. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 16:11

Hubblebubble · 18/09/2023 14:41

Also, in true mumsnet style, he has my name and I have sole PR.

Snap! Very pleased with this decision although I felt so guilty and sad about it at the time I'm so relieved that's what I did.

Imagine if in the future this man and his wife decide they want to keep the baby - op you need to protect yourself (watch maternal on itvx for an example of a doctor who becomes a mum in your situation)