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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Found out I’m pregnant but not in relationship with the father. He is trying to push me to abort but I really don’t want to. Am I selfish?

95 replies

Sunflower1912 · 18/09/2023 11:08

Hello,

Bit of a long post

I have recently just found out I am pregnant roughly about 6 weeks. I am not in a proper relationship with the baby’s father and haven’t been seeing him that long.

I am 31 and this will be my first pregnancy. I knew the news was going to be a bit of a shock to the father but didn’t realise how bad his reaction was going to be. He is trying to make me get an abortion and being very horrible. He is saying I am so selfish to want to keep the baby against his wishes and I need to take into account what he wants. He has been constantly messaging me with really nasty messages and saying I can’t go through with this. He is saying he can’t believe I wasn’t on contraception or at least taking the morning after pill.

I have just found out he is in another relationship and already has children. I didn’t know this at the time of me seeing him. I am assuming this is why he feels so strongly about not wanting this pregnancy. I have said he doesn’t need to have any part In this and is welcome to walk away. I wouldn’t even try for child maintenance or ask him for anything but he said this wouldn’t be good enough

I am really struggling with this situation as I really don’t want to abort. I have a strong family support unit around me and also have a decent paying job so think I would be fine to support the baby alone but I am crippled with guilt towards him thinking I am ruining his life

i also feel really guilty towards his partner and other children thinking how this will affect them. Am I being selfish wanting to keep the baby? I am really struggling with this situation at the moment and just feel so depressed and sad

any advice would be so appreciated xx

OP posts:

readingismycardio · 18/09/2023 11:12

Hi, OP'

First of all, congrats! You do seem that you want this baby, you have the support, you have the money!

As for his family, HE is the one who should feel guilty, not you. You did not know about his family. This is NOT your responsibility! Make sure you get adequate maintenance too! It's your right!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 11:16

Dump the guy, keep the baby, go it alone, leave him off the birth certificate.
Men like this go one of two ways when the baby arrives.

They either disappear off into the sunset forever, or they suddenly decide it's their baby too but really they just want to control you and make your life miserable by stopping you having autonomy with the baby that wouldn't exist if they'd had their way.

Honestly, you're not ruining his life by having a baby that you want, love and can support. You'd be definitely ruining the baby's life by getting rid of it to make a cheating arsehole happy when you actually want this baby, and you'd have to live with that for the rest of your life.

If he was that bothered he should have a) not cheated on his partner and b) worn a condom.

Just block him and move on. Cheating scumbag that he is.

DustyLee123 · 18/09/2023 11:28

He shouldn’t be a cheating bastard, and he should use condoms. Get yourself an STD check as you probably aren’t the only one.

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 11:32

When he asks about the birth control you didn't use, ask him why he didn't use birth control or ask you?

He has no rights here. If you want the baby, go ahead and have the baby. Be prepared for him not to be involved in any way and if you're happy with that, great.

As he's already in a relationship, I think it's safe to say that he doesn't want this baby to even exist becuase it will be proof of his infidelity. But that's not your problem.

Twiglets1 · 18/09/2023 11:33

You’re not being selfish, no.

He is the selfish idiot in this situation. Caught in a web of his own lies and he should help pay financially for the baby in the future even if you don’t currently want to face that issue.

But anyway, if you want this baby you should absolutely go ahead with the pregnancy. You have a supportive family and good job so you’re better off than many. I wish you all the best.

JustMaggie · 18/09/2023 11:37

You're not being selfish. It's your body, you call the shots. If you want to keep the baby then he needs to grow a pair and deal with it. And tell him to stop with his pathetic attempts to guilt trip you.

yousexybugger · 18/09/2023 11:37

He has got himself into a tricky spot through his own lies and cheating and is now trying to deflect that onto you. This is not your fault or your baby's. If you want the baby, keep it and claim maintenance. He knows full well that the woman gets the final.say here. Sounds like the conversation about contraception was simply never had. That's on him if you didn't mind a pregnancy but he was trying to have some discreet sex on the side.

Cowlover89 · 18/09/2023 11:40

Fuck him off and keep the baba! X

Thehonestbadger · 18/09/2023 11:43

@Sunflower1912

If you honestly didn’t know about his partner/kids then you are absolved of any reason to feel guilty, it’s 100% his fault and you’ve done nothing morally dubious at all. So the fact he has a partner and kids should play absolutely no part in your decision. You can feel bad for his partner, I do, but you need to STOP feeling guilty and get your big girl pants on fast as if you show any weakness you will be wrongly painted out as the ‘bad guy’ rather than the victim. Which you are, he lied to you and mislead you for sex. His behaviour has been horrid and sneaky and down right bad.

Would you have consented to having sex had he not lied to you? If the answer is no then you’ve really been, in my opinion, assaulted. Intentionally misleading someone to get them to have sex with you is awful! No matter how bad you might feel for his partner you are also the victim here and do not forget that!

If you want to have the baby then have them. Screw ‘not claiming child support’ that money isn’t yours it’s your child’s and they are entitled to it. You should absolutely claim it, regardless of whether he likes it or not. Regardless of what guilt he lays on you.

‘I will be keeping the baby. You have no option here as it’s not your body. You had a choice to wear a condom and you didn’t do it. You never checked I was on contraception so I never lied to you, unlike you who apparently forgot he had a partner and children. Probably should have mentioned that huh, I’d never have slept with you if I’d known. Your involvement and opinions in this pregnancy are now finished and any abusive messages…etc will be logged with the police. I will be claiming child support as my child is entitled to it. Next time wear a condom, or tell the girl you’re trying to sleep with that you have a partner and kids! Bye’

Thehonestbadger · 18/09/2023 11:45

Should mention I have a husband and 2 toddlers so this is legitimately my joining on how I would feel if it were the other way around (although I would hope my DH wouldn’t do this)

Summer2424 · 18/09/2023 11:57

Hi @Sunflower1912
You are not being selfish hun.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Please look after yourself, you are the priority xx

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 18/09/2023 12:02

SisterMichaelsHabit · Today 11:16

Dump the guy, keep the baby, go it alone, leave him off the birth certificate.

⬆️This. Wishing you all the best.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 18/09/2023 12:02

Why would you want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want a baby? Why bring a child into the world whose father doesn't want it?
A baby who willl grow up either not knowing who their father was or knowing that they were not wanted or loved?

fortheloveofflowers · 18/09/2023 12:08

If he didn’t want a baby he should have worn a condom!

He helped create this baby do he should bloody well contribute money towards the baby!! You most definitely should go through child maintenance.

It is not your fault he is a cheating shit!

AmazingSnakeHead · 18/09/2023 12:11

Have the baby if you want the baby. Take him out of the decision entirely and think about what's right for you. If you want to become a mum and feel happy to do it solo, then block the prick and carry on. And once baby is here, take him to court for maintenance. If you didn't know that he had a family then it's not you that'd broken up his family! Think of it this way: surely if this were your husband you'd want to know?

Thehonestbadger · 18/09/2023 12:12

What a truly awful comment.
Have you ever actually been pregnant?
Even if you have and still somehow lack the empathy and emotional depth to process that everyone is entitled to their own feelings you cannot simply treat it as black and white. It’s not.
The OP will live the rest of her life with the decision she makes so whatever decision that is she has to feel comfortable about.

Also I’m 99% sure that if you asked any of the hundreds of thousands of fatherless adults out there who ‘weren’t wanted by their fathers’ whether they’re still glad they exist regardless of their absent father 99% would say YES

Thehonestbadger · 18/09/2023 12:13

@Highlyflavouredgravy

^ the above message was for you

StorminanDcup · 18/09/2023 12:13

Of course you’re not being “selfish”. You have told him, he’s given his thoughts and opinions, you’ve considered them and made a decision. Which is not his preferred one. Boo boo for him.

Ultimately the decision to continue or end a pregnancy is down to the woman. There is no right or wrong answer, it’s always highly personal and individual to the woman and the circumstances.

Dont engage in any further communication with him over it, block him if you need to. He gave his opinion, you decided against it. He has no right to try and bully you because you won’t do what he wants.

HarpieDuJour · 18/09/2023 12:18

So he has other children already, which means that he knows what causes pregnancy. Despite this, he didn't think to use a condom. At that point, he lost any right to an opinion on what you do about this pregnancy.

Block him everywhere, and try to enjoy your pregnancy. It's a shame that he turned out to be an arse, but you will be fine.

Bananalanacake · 18/09/2023 12:22

I have no time for condom refusers, even if you were on the pill he should still use condoms as that's taking responsibility for himself and protecting against STDs

Charming81 · 18/09/2023 12:25

Of he doesn't want children, he could use condoms! It is your body and your decision. You want this baby? Keep it and enjoy it. Don't feel guilty towards a man who told you lies and is nasty to you. He ruined his own life being a cheating liar.

Don't ever consider to terminate for him. You want this baby, if you terminate this pregnancy, you and only you will have to deal with the psychological consequences, not him. He will be free to go on with his life like nothing happened.

Just tell him he can walk away and enjoy your baby.

CallieQ · 18/09/2023 12:27

Your body
Your Choice

He should've been more careful

OooohAhhhh · 18/09/2023 12:34

What a joke he is.
He wants you to take into account what he wants? What about what you want? Your body, your say.
Unfortunately there is no happy medium when it comes to pregnancy, you either keep the baby or you don't, and you want to keep it, so do that.
You are not being selfish at all. What a cretin he is.

Newestname002 · 18/09/2023 12:37

@Sunflower1912

He is a lying, cheating scumbag and you are well rid of this man who is now being abusive towards you. It was equally his responsibility to use condoms - he has other children do it's pretty certain he knows how babies are made.

If you want to keep the baby it's your right to do so: you are not being selfish and he has no say in this now - that was over when he failed to use contraceptives himself.

I would absolutely apply for child maintenance when your baby is born. That money is for your/his child and you can save it for the child for their future needs and for medium term childcare also. Also bear in mind that we never know what's likely to happen in the future financially or otherwise, and that money may well be a welcome lifeline for you/your child in the future. Contact CMS and get them to deal with getting the child maintenance. Keep your distance from him - mute/block him for now at least.

Don't forget to claim child benefits do you can get the NI benefits applied to your State pension.

Don't have him on your child's birth certificate and do, please, give the child your surname. Good luck for the future, whatever your decision. 🌹

Livinginanotherworld · 18/09/2023 12:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you can do this alone. Dump him, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. Whatever you do, don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t acknowledge that it is his, otherwise you will be tied to him for life and he could make your life hell.

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