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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Was not allowed to enjoy my pregnancy because of my sister

81 replies

mammybird · 08/08/2023 22:17

So my sister had been trying to conceive for about 6 months when I fell pregnant very quickly with my partner. For background my sister is a lovely person but very “glass half empty” and has always struggled to be happy for other people in my opinion.

I knew she wouldn’t be happy about my pregnancy so I wanted to tell her by text because it’s awful telling someone the happiest news of your life knowing they will not be happy for you. My mum and partner encouraged me to phone her and it couldn’t have gone worse. Truly the worst conversation I have ever had. From here she did not speak to me hardly until the end of my pregnancy.

On top of this, my family couldn’t have a conversation with me about my pregnancy without mentioning what a shame it was that she hadn’t gotten pregnant first, like as if I had taken something from her. If I could have wished her a baby I would have.

Worse again, about halfway through my pregnancy we had a family holiday and I was made to feel like I couldn’t talk about it in front of her and nobody asked how I was or how things were going. I felt like I had done something wrong just because our journeys hadn’t been the same.

When my beautiful baby was born, and my sister loved her niece, my mum said several times “well isn’t it good that she loves the baby”

Bringing us up to now, my sister is pregnant, via IVF, and I’m delighted for her, but it’s really hurting me how much she is asking me questions, sharing bump updates and giving me a day by day of her pregnancy when she wouldn’t even speak to me during mine. She’s coming to visit in a few weeks and I really don’t want to see her.

I love her and I don’t want to upset her while she is pregnant or impact her enjoyment of this special time in any way, but I feel like maybe I should discuss how this has made me feel with my parents? My other sister has actually apologised for how everyone was with me.

I feel really hurt but I know that nothing can be done to change it so is there any value in raising it now?

OP posts:

Ttcmumma · 08/08/2023 22:21

Been in this situation, but I was the sister apologising for my family 🤦🏼‍♀️ I personally shut my parents down a couple times myself for the comments they made to my sister who didn't have trouble concieving.

My sister never really addressed it, they seem to have got through it now and their kids are actually 7 months apart but there is definitely tension still

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2023 22:31

I think it's a tough situation.

I think your family really didn't know how to navigate the situation at the time and I think it's good that one of your siblings has acknowledged it was handled poorly.

I'm sympathetic to you. It must have been hard for you at the time and hard now.

Your special time was hugely compromised in favour of your sisters feelings yet your hurst has (one sibling aside) been pushed aside and you are expected to behave to your sister in a way she was not prepared to do so for you.

It's actually quite sad she can't see this for herself.

All that said, you can't turn back the clock. Nothing will change what you experienced.

As far as your pregnant sister is concerned you can only "pay back" in kind and do you really want to do that? Your feelings are valid but dishing back the same hurtful behaviour isn't really going to solve anything.

Personally, rather than being upset with your sister and fertility struggles I'd be more upset with wider family.

It's not easy, but there was absolutely room to be sensitive to your sister whilst celebrating your pregnancy.

So I probably would raise it with parents - but just once. Say what you've said here and get it off your chest and then move on.

Ultimately the blessing here is your child and irrespective of the past you've been given the best gift ever

CasuirDubh · 08/08/2023 22:32

I would let it go. Not being able to talk about your pregnancy in certain situations is a tiny thing compared to the pain of infertility and while her behaviour may have been irrational and seemingly crazy you have no idea how much pain she was in at the time.

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:34

Having been on the 'wrong side' of infertility and miscarriage, I can sort of see where your sister is coming from. Yes, it was unfair on you, but it can't have been easy to see you moving through your pregnancy when it wasn't happening for her.

I think you should just move on. You will have little cousins, and that is the best!

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:36

To add, I don't think you have the slightest concept of how infertility feels.

TheaBrandt · 08/08/2023 22:36

God I can see why you are pissed off. Seems you always have to be the bigger person. I would find it quite hard to gush over her pregnancy after how she treated you during yours. All about her isn’t it?

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:38

TheaBrandt · 08/08/2023 22:36

It's really not! Have you experienced the heartache of trying month in, month out, and nothing happening - and then your sibling conceives just like that?!

My 3rd pregnancy ended at 7 weeks in miscarriage. My sister wasn't long married and was furious to be pregnant - due around the same time I was. That was really hard. I wanted a baby and I lost it. She didn't want a baby yet she was having one.

Have some empathy!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2023 22:39

The sister was ttc for 6 months when OP conceived.

That’s a perfectly normal amount of time. Not sure why people are talking about it as infertility or a major heartache.

It sucks to want to be pregnant and struggle but let’s not pretend the sister was in an unusual situation deserving of kid glove treatment. She was just jealous OP got pregnant first and everyone rallied around her to make OP feel guilty.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2023 22:41

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:36

To add, I don't think you have the slightest concept of how infertility feels.

I don't think anyone does who has not experienced it.

That said, it's not a green light to behave badly.

I understand the sister finding the OP's pregnancy difficult, but having "shut down" (along with the rest of the family) any celebration/discussion it's not a great look to be putting out daily "bump" updates that her sister could not enjoy at the time.

Sensitive behaviour works both ways. You can't demand it when it suits you, but ignore similar behaviour when it hurts someone else.

AgeGapBbe · 08/08/2023 22:42

I had been off contraception for 6 months when I found out my sister had become pregnant completely out of the blue, first time of trying, when she had thought she’d never have the opportunity to have a baby. It’s over a year later, I still haven’t been able to have a baby, her LO is 6m old.

I struggled a lot at first, I had spent the whole time we were trying, worrying about how she’d react, making plans of how to carefully handle it, thinking of ways she could be involved… I was really really upset. It still stings tbh.

But, she’s never known the details, how I felt, why I felt how I felt- because it’s my problem, not hers.

I doubt anything good will come of speaking to your sister how you’d like to. She’ll only flip it round and be the victim again- some people are just like that. Your best bet is just to move on. In time, you’ll feel better about it.

MichelleScarn · 08/08/2023 22:43

@Lookingatthesunset so you'd guilt trip and be horrible to your sibling because they were pregnant before you?

@mammybird your family are appalling with their shitty behaviour towards you, while clearly prioritising your sister.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2023 22:43

Oh any trying to conceive for 6 months isn't really abnormal.

We are not talking about something whose faced years of infertility.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2023 22:44

Sorry - someone not something

TheaBrandt · 08/08/2023 22:45

Exactly Bread. If the sister had acknowledged the situation that would be different but to expect the support and react to her own pregnancy that she denied the op is extremely selfish behaviour. Is she usually very self absorbed generally?

CR7 · 08/08/2023 22:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2023 22:39

The sister was ttc for 6 months when OP conceived.

That’s a perfectly normal amount of time. Not sure why people are talking about it as infertility or a major heartache.

I tend to agree. Six months? It took me four years x

Original poster

mammybird · 08/08/2023 22:50

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:36

To add, I don't think you have the slightest concept of how infertility feels.

I don’t have experience of infertility thankfully but I have compassion and understanding for those who do.

Also, I haven’t at any point in my post said that I don’t see why my sister felt how she did. I’ve also stated I’m not planning to bring it up with her, rather I want to bring it up with my parents as they are responsible for how they behaved, not my sister. Maybe my phrasing wasn’t clear.

OP posts:

gettingoldisshit · 08/08/2023 22:50

While infertility is horrible it doesn't give someone the right to act like a total bitch! Your sister behaved terribly and so did your family and i understand why you feel the way you do now. She hadn't even been trying for long when you were pregnant anyway.

frootito · 08/08/2023 22:50

Oh that's rubbish OP. I was unable to conceive for 3 years during which time my sister had 3 kids. Everyone was worried about me but I was completely happy for her and very involved in her pregnancies and babies.

Really weirdly when I did get pregnant she wasn't there for me at all and didn't see much of my baby / very young child.

But anyway - just be happy you have your beautiful DD - you are lucky.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 22:53

I would just not engage with her over her pregnancy.
She got to be a bitch because of her hurt feelings.
Yours are just as valid.

HHN · 08/08/2023 22:55

Sounds exactly like my sister OP. Selfish and if she can’t be happy no one should be. Just distance yourself from her!

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 08/08/2023 22:56

I am also someone infertile who thinks your sister was unfair

I found out I was never going to have children the week my sister found out she was pregnant the first month of trying

Obviously I was heartbroken for me but I was still there for my sister and being supportive. I even stayed with her after the birth because her DH had broken his arm and was struggling to help with the baby.

Everyone reacts differently I get but honestly if she had only been trying for 6 months, and given your whole families reaction it sounds more like your sister is the golden child who is used to getting what she wants first

But if thats the case there is no point saying anything, as she wont get it

Olika · 08/08/2023 22:58

I am so sorry to hear how so many people have been treating you. It took several years for us to have our daughter after I mc our first. While I miscarried my colleague got pregnant and I felt like it was so unfair I lost mine but someone who wasn't even mature enough to be a mum was having one. I never said it aloud though. I totally get how difficult it must have been for her but she sounds so selfish. You can be the bigger person as several pp have advised. I probably wouldn't be as if someone treats me unfairly I am not willing to let it go. Personally if I didn't want to receive all those updates from her, I wouldn't read/check what she sends. When she asks about something relating to them, I would say I am busy with a 6 month old. If you have already agreed for her to stay at yours then probably you cannot cancel it anymore. It's a good chance to have a chat and personally I would let her know that it really hurt the way she and the others treated you while you were pregnant and you are going now that she is pregnant to realise that. Or maybe you are able to let it go and not say anything. Either way good luck

Original poster

mammybird · 08/08/2023 22:59

OP here,

just to clarify. I’m not pissed off, just having a lot of hurt feelings for an experience I didn’t get to have.

I love my sister and I’m not blind to why it may have been hurtful to her. I don’t think however that the “punishment” fit the “crime” as it were.

I also was asking should I tell my parents how their behaviour made me feel, not so much my sister!

thanks for all the replies though x

OP posts:

Original poster

mammybird · 08/08/2023 23:00

mammybird · 08/08/2023 22:59

OP here,

just to clarify. I’m not pissed off, just having a lot of hurt feelings for an experience I didn’t get to have.

I love my sister and I’m not blind to why it may have been hurtful to her. I don’t think however that the “punishment” fit the “crime” as it were.

I also was asking should I tell my parents how their behaviour made me feel, not so much my sister!

thanks for all the replies though x

Also, my partner and I were ttc , it just happened quickly for us. Not a surprise or unwanted pregnancy in any shape or form

OP posts:

Sometimeswinning · 08/08/2023 23:03

Same situation. I was so angry/upset. Complained to everyone in my family/friendship group.

The second I had my baby I felt so much empathy for my sil. I completely understood why my dhs family tread carefully. It didn't matter because I was so happy to have my baby. When she fell pregnant 5 years later I was over the moon for her.

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