Was not allowed to enjoy my pregnancy because of my sister

[mammybird]

So my sister had been trying to conceive for about 6 months when I fell pregnant very quickly with my partner. For background my sister is a lovely person but very “glass half empty” and has always struggled to be happy for other people in my opinion.

I knew she wouldn’t be happy about my pregnancy so I wanted to tell her by text because it’s awful telling someone the happiest news of your life knowing they will not be happy for you. My mum and partner encouraged me to phone her and it couldn’t have gone worse. Truly the worst conversation I have ever had. From here she did not speak to me hardly until the end of my pregnancy.

On top of this, my family couldn’t have a conversation with me about my pregnancy without mentioning what a shame it was that she hadn’t gotten pregnant first, like as if I had taken something from her. If I could have wished her a baby I would have.

Worse again, about halfway through my pregnancy we had a family holiday and I was made to feel like I couldn’t talk about it in front of her and nobody asked how I was or how things were going. I felt like I had done something wrong just because our journeys hadn’t been the same.

When my beautiful baby was born, and my sister loved her niece, my mum said several times “well isn’t it good that she loves the baby”

Bringing us up to now, my sister is pregnant, via IVF, and I’m delighted for her, but it’s really hurting me how much she is asking me questions, sharing bump updates and giving me a day by day of her pregnancy when she wouldn’t even speak to me during mine. She’s coming to visit in a few weeks and I really don’t want to see her.

I love her and I don’t want to upset her while she is pregnant or impact her enjoyment of this special time in any way, but I feel like maybe I should discuss how this has made me feel with my parents? My other sister has actually apologised for how everyone was with me.

I feel really hurt but I know that nothing can be done to change it so is there any value in raising it now?

I agree with you!! OP's sister was jealous and bitter and 6 months without getting pregnant isn't infertility. I also think it's weird that she told her parents she was ttc. That's basically telling them you're having lots of sex!

@mammybird be completely open about your feelings with your parents. Tell them you're really hurt that no one could be happy for your pregnancy. Tell them you felt like a dirty little secret. Use that phrase because that's exactly how your family treated you.

Then tell your sister: 'I know you're excited but I don't need any bump updates or weekly updates on how your baby is growing. I have a baby so I know all this already.' If she ignores this then ask her why it's ok for her to share updates on her pregnancy but everyone had to ignore your pregnancy.

Be firm. Don't say sorry or constantly reiterate that you're happy for her. I'd be blunter than this tbh.

@mammybird I would also step it up with sharing and gushing over all of your baby's firsts. Do this in person and in group chats and chats with your sister. Because after all, this is your parents' first grand child and all their firsts will be with your child.

I've been through infertility and MC.

I have never once treated anyone this way or expected anyone around me Tobe like it. The way they treated you was disgraceful and to expect you to be the opposite now is ridiculous. I'd tell your parents exactly how you feel.

To be honest if mine treated me like that they probably wouldn't even have a relationship with my baby.

Your pregnancy was important too op, your feelings are justified.

if you don’t feel like indulging her all the time or having her to visit then don’t. You can still put it behind you when you’re ready but it sounds like you’re not quite there yet.

How utterly ridiculous, I could understand if it had been years and wasn't working out for them, but it had been 6 months, that is not even a long time to TTC. I would tell your parents how it made you feel, and her too. You are being too understanding, at that point in time she really did not have justification for behaving that way.

I've been on both sides of this. Ds1 took two years and three miscarriages and while I hope I was a bit outwardly better than the sister here, I really struggled with other people's pregnancies.

When I was pregnant with DS1, a really close friend who had been trying to conceive for a similar length of time and around then had started IVF didn't acknowledge the pregnancy in any way and started avoiding me.

It is so, so much better and easier to be the pregnant person in that scenario that I'd really try and encourage you to summon up some grace and forgiveness. The whole world wants to congratulate you when you're pregnant- you don't need to demand it from the one person it hurts.

I do think your parents should have found ways to support you - surely they don't only see you and your sister together - and I suppose the question there is whether it was a one off or if they generally prioritise her.

I've been through infertility and miscarriage (twice now) whilst siblings have kids, got pregnant first month of trying and no issues/losses. My brother and sister in law were really kind and understanding and told me first so I could process it (this was after 2.5 years of trying ending in miscarriage). I've just had a second miscarriage whilst sister in law on the other side is pregnant, only 4 weeks ahead of where I should be. It's torture but I've removed myself from the discussions that hurt, I wouldn't expect anyone else in the family to not talk about it and be excited, I just need some space as the pain is raw.

At the time of your pregnancy your sister had only been trying 6 months. That's nothing. There's a balance between being considerate towards her (i.e. not in her face) and being expected to not talk about your pregnancy at all - it's a huge life changing event! If your parents are reasonable enough to talk to I'd mention to them that you felt hurt, but not make a huge deal out of it if they are the sort of people who aren't open to accepting they may have behaved wrongly, and only you can really judge what they would be able to talk about x

Are the pregnancies red herrings? Is this truly about being pregnant, or an expression of a toxic family dynamic? Golden child? Avoiding upsetting the one who kicks off, while not noticing the distress of the one who does not kick off?

The whole world wants to congratulate you when you're pregnant- you don't need to demand it from the one person it hurts.

This isn’t fair. The OP isn’t trying to demand backdated congratulations from her sister, she’s struggling with how much her family shut her pregnancy down and prevented her from talking about it and discussing it due to her sister’s feelings at the time. I expect she feels she was cast out slightly in favour of her (understandably sad) sister. She’s very much not unreasonable to feel that way, especially now her sister is talking and celebrating non-stop.

I am so confused by the posters who seem to think having issues conceiving means you can treat other people badly. You can’t stop other people having babies so to try and make them feel bad is pretty horrible

I am also going to guess that if you don't get this out in the open now she is going to make you feel bad if you get pregnant again and she is possible going to need IVF again. So she will ruin both of your pregnancies.

I think for the sister, you have to let it go while she's pregnant at least. I'd perhaps raise it after baby is born, in a way that says I understand you were hurting, but I'm hurt too. I appreciate it must have been so hard for her but that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour and she needs to acknowledge your feelings are valid too.

I would have to say something to my parents about their treatment, there is really no excuse for that.

To add, I have never experienced infertility but my brother and his wife have been for 4 years now during which time I've had 2 children. They have never behaved this way during either of my pregnancies.

You were treated like rubbish OP. No need for that at all. I'd be annoyed at them all. I'd definitely have to say something to the sister.

If you're struggling with ttc, infertility, miscarriage and someone you are close with gets pregnant, you are often advised to avoid that person to protect your own mental health. After my loss a close friend announced their pregnancy and I congratulated them but distanced myself. It's painful and normal. I felt like that person had everything I and they ever wanted so they weren't really going to miss out on me pandering to them!

I'm sorry you felt like you'd done something wrong, but surely it's a bit of an exaggeration to say you couldn't enjoy your pregnancy because you couldn't talk about it in front of your sister? And you're taking it out on her now (or wanting to) because of the principle of the matter, not because her pregnancy causes you any genuine pain or upset. The two situations are very different.

I assume your family were happy to discuss your pregnancy when your sister wasn't around? If not then that's a bit ridiculous to be fair. Did your mum struggle with ttc or losses? If so it might be that she empathises with your sister.

People on this thread are talking about the pain of infertility.

But the sister isn't infertile. She just hadn't got pregnant after 6 months of "trying". I think that's pretty normal, no? It took me at least that to get pregnant with my first DC and I certainly didn't instantly fall pregnant with the others either.

I would raise it calmly and have your say and then put it behind you. You don't have to kowtow to Madam anymore. Tell her to fuck off.

The sister was just pissed off because she didn't win the competition of getting pregnant first and having the first DGC in the family.

@THisbackwithavengeance Oh yes, tell your sister who finally conceived via IVF to fuck off because she wasn't happy enough for you during your pregnancy 🙃 it sounds as though OP actually wants a relationship with her sister and loves her, so that's not particularly wise.

The sister wasn’t struggling with infertility. She’d been ttc for six months that’s not struggling with infertility, and even if it did transpire that she had to had IVF, there was no way of knowing that at the time.

Added to which, having babies is a fact of life. Yes it’s difficult to struggle with infertility, I struggled with secondary infertility for six years before giving up, during which time my sister had two children, but my struggles don’t mean that what is a perfectly natural part of life should be overlooked for anyone else.

I suspect this is more of a toxic family dynamic than the sister’s genuine feelings. I mean refusing to talk about a pregnancy, going on about ho it should have been the sister first, I would 100% that the sister’s baby will be the favoured grandchild while OP’s is overlooked.

Took me 5 years. So yeah the 6 month thing does make me chuckle. That’s not infertility. It’s perfectly normal

Well, the sister didn't end up having a perfectly normal journey, she did end up needing IVF an indeterminate amount of time (but at least more than nine months) later. So she may have known, perhaps due to other conditions, that it was likely to be tough for her even though it had only been six months then.

Still not infertility at 6 months though. NHS website says “Most couples will get pregnant within a year if they have regular sex and don't use contraception”. So that’s way over 6 months

To be honest it doesn't matter if she was trying for 6 months or 6 years, their behaviour (all of them) was unacceptable.

I posted for advice a while back on how to get through visiting a newborn when I had recently miscarried because I didn't want to sour their enjoyment in any way, shape or form. That's what good friends and family do, they are happy for you even if they are simultaneously upset for themselves.

Could you just not overly engage with your sisters baby chatter? Ignore messages or reply with a simple thumbs up to acknowledge rather than gushing.

If your sister says she doesn't feel you are excited, you could simply state that you weren't afforded family being excited about your pregnancy and while you are pleased and excited for her, you don't see the need to over share or respond to everything?

@mammybird I had a similar pregnancy; although not for the same reasons - my MIL absolutely dominated it, we couldn't talk about it or they'd either go completely over the top and keep trying to touch me/asking what we'd do if I died in childbirth/etc, or she'd sob about not being ready to lose her son, and why did he have to become a father now, etc...

I'm still quite resentful of how my pregnancy went, and the first few months of DS' life. It's an experience I didn't get. I'm hoping the second time is better, if we are lucky enough, but I know it won't be the same...

My question would be, is there anything your parents can do to make you feel better? They can't give the experience back. If they apologise, will that make any difference? If they defend themselves, will you be hurt again?

That's not her problem. She can't dance around infertile peoples feelings. She deserves to express her happiness.

Oh I feel you here! Although slight different situation as I'm the youngest of 3 daughters and only one with a partner and currently pregnant. My eldest sister burst into tears when I told everyone I was pregnant and neither sisters have once asked how I am or how I feel.

Family politics are the worst, espeically during what is meant to be the happiest time of your time. All it has taught me to is stay true to yourself and what you and your partner want. You are a new family unit and it is where you can pour all your love and happiness.

I hope things work out ok xx