Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Was not allowed to enjoy my pregnancy because of my sister

81 replies

mammybird · 08/08/2023 22:17

So my sister had been trying to conceive for about 6 months when I fell pregnant very quickly with my partner. For background my sister is a lovely person but very “glass half empty” and has always struggled to be happy for other people in my opinion.

I knew she wouldn’t be happy about my pregnancy so I wanted to tell her by text because it’s awful telling someone the happiest news of your life knowing they will not be happy for you. My mum and partner encouraged me to phone her and it couldn’t have gone worse. Truly the worst conversation I have ever had. From here she did not speak to me hardly until the end of my pregnancy.

On top of this, my family couldn’t have a conversation with me about my pregnancy without mentioning what a shame it was that she hadn’t gotten pregnant first, like as if I had taken something from her. If I could have wished her a baby I would have.

Worse again, about halfway through my pregnancy we had a family holiday and I was made to feel like I couldn’t talk about it in front of her and nobody asked how I was or how things were going. I felt like I had done something wrong just because our journeys hadn’t been the same.

When my beautiful baby was born, and my sister loved her niece, my mum said several times “well isn’t it good that she loves the baby”

Bringing us up to now, my sister is pregnant, via IVF, and I’m delighted for her, but it’s really hurting me how much she is asking me questions, sharing bump updates and giving me a day by day of her pregnancy when she wouldn’t even speak to me during mine. She’s coming to visit in a few weeks and I really don’t want to see her.

I love her and I don’t want to upset her while she is pregnant or impact her enjoyment of this special time in any way, but I feel like maybe I should discuss how this has made me feel with my parents? My other sister has actually apologised for how everyone was with me.

I feel really hurt but I know that nothing can be done to change it so is there any value in raising it now?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 08/08/2023 23:03

I wonder if the situations were reversed how it would have played out?

Olika · 08/08/2023 23:03

Sorry saw your updates after finished posting, I would have a chat with parents.

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 23:05

MichelleScarn · 08/08/2023 22:43

@Lookingatthesunset so you'd guilt trip and be horrible to your sibling because they were pregnant before you?

@mammybird your family are appalling with their shitty behaviour towards you, while clearly prioritising your sister.

That's a silly thing to say. Being unable to conceive makes women quite irrational. It took me over three and a half years. No, it's not a licence to be mean to a sibling who is pregnant.

Given that it's taken IVF for this sister to conceive, and that the OP says that her sister is a lovely person, then I don't see any point in creating waves.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/08/2023 23:05

CasuirDubh · 08/08/2023 22:32

I would let it go. Not being able to talk about your pregnancy in certain situations is a tiny thing compared to the pain of infertility and while her behaviour may have been irrational and seemingly crazy you have no idea how much pain she was in at the time.

This. I was not a big enough person to feel any ounce happiness for others falling pregnant at the drop of a hat when I'd been trying for ages and was going through the darkest time of my life. I avoided pregnant people and even pregnancy announcement opportunities like the plague. Whilst there may be no logic to them her feelings and behaviour were not abnormal. All's well that ends well....try not to be hurt by it.

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 23:06

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2023 22:39

The sister was ttc for 6 months when OP conceived.

That’s a perfectly normal amount of time. Not sure why people are talking about it as infertility or a major heartache.

It sucks to want to be pregnant and struggle but let’s not pretend the sister was in an unusual situation deserving of kid glove treatment. She was just jealous OP got pregnant first and everyone rallied around her to make OP feel guilty.

This

DrFoxtrot · 08/08/2023 23:10

I know you don't want to say anything to your sister but I don't think I could stop myself pointing out the differences. It's making me feel annoyed for you. I'd want to ask her why she's expecting you to behave differently to how she behaved. I'd want to hear the actual words from her mouth, to be sure she fully understood the hurt.

And struggling with infertility does not give someone a pass to behave like this towards a family member.

Tired6789 · 08/08/2023 23:11

If you do decide to say something to your parents I would wait until your sister has had the baby as you dont want to be responsible for extra stress on your sister when pregnant. Although you're planning to say only to your parents it could get back to your sister.

Aw273 · 08/08/2023 23:12

I was in the same position, but on the other side. You get in a very dark place. Now I’m out the other side I’ve apologised to my sister for the way I acted and we’re all good now- give her a chance and hopefully she’ll do the same

fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 23:12

I've been on the receiving end of hate during my pregnancy, mainly because I had 3 by age 25 back when my fertility was in good shape, I was lucky. Had I have waited I wouldn't have my children not without ivf.
The way I dealt with it was to enjoy my pregnancy in private. We didn't receive any gifts or cards, no baby showers, no congratulations. It really took from the most precious time in my life that I'll never get back because of all the hate and disapproval I got from older women in my family who were struggling because they left it a bit too late in life.
I sympathise wholeheartedly for people going through infertility, I've had 2 miscarriages my self and no more children after that, but I do wish that I could have been allowed to celebrate my joy just like they did eventually.

Efficaciou5 · 08/08/2023 23:13

With reference to your thread title, you're allowed to enjoy anything you want. If others aren't on-board then that's their issue.

Retrospectively playing the victim there a little perhaps ?

DrFoxtrot · 08/08/2023 23:14

I think OP is allowed to feel like a victim as she was treated appallingly. Even if you don't say anything to anyone, can you cancel your sister's visit?

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2023 23:26

As I posted above, yes I would speak to parents about how I felt.

The main reason being is again as posted above, sensitivity goes both ways.

Getting out the Pom poms for your sister, whilst failing to acknowledge the lack of support you experienced is shitty.

No, I wouldn't raise it with sister but I'd also back off somewhat.

Remembering she had only been TTC for 6 months the response from her and your wider family was utterly overblown.

It's ok to feel hurt by this. It's also ok to say it.

Sometimeswinning · 08/08/2023 23:47

DrFoxtrot · 08/08/2023 23:14

I think OP is allowed to feel like a victim as she was treated appallingly. Even if you don't say anything to anyone, can you cancel your sister's visit?

Victim 🤣 I mean it's harsh but that's as far as you could push it!

GoodInTheNeighborhood · 08/08/2023 23:53

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 22:36

To add, I don't think you have the slightest concept of how infertility feels.

So she's not allowed to enjoy her own pregnancy?
Makes sense🥴

FrillyGoatFluff · 09/08/2023 00:02

I was pregnant in 2020, my best friend was 3 weeks behind me. Happy days we thought, this will make maternity leave much more fun!

Until I lost my daughter at 22 weeks. Her pregnancy continued perfectly, and her daughter was born on my daughter's due date.

Fucking agony for me to watch her pregnancy grow and her daughter be born (clearly she couldn't help the date, that was just highly unfortunate timing) and she was amazing being as tactful as she could, letting me lead on everything. BUT I also wasn't a dick - just because my situation was heartbreaking, hers was amazing and I was honestly so happy for her and her DH.

Your own pain isn't an excuse to shit all over other people's happiness.

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2023 00:51

@Sometimeswinning yes I agree 'victim' is pushing it - but I wanted to respond to another poster who'd suggested that she was 'retrospectively playing the victim'. However it's described, she's definitely the person who's been hurt.

BigBeeee · 09/08/2023 01:05

Ynbu. You feel annoyed at having to listen to your sister's daily pregnancy updates so I wouldn't pay them much attention. Endure and move on. No need to gush over them. You could even try changing the subject straight after the report.

MermaidMummy06 · 09/08/2023 02:25

It's painful, for sure. My friend had been struggling with infertility. Tbf they hadn't looked at ivf until were we ttc. I was made to feel like I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy and remember feeling a large dose of guilt. Once my baby was born I found myself trying not to talk about him and almost hiding him from her to spare her feelings (I stopped then!).

It destroyed our friendship as her unspoken grief turned into bitter and nasty judgement. It's sad because she finally found a decent doctor, discovered it was a simple issue, and had her baby. She only lives a km away, her sanctimonious DH is, ironically, a useless father, and we no longer speak. She's very lonely and depressed (from what I've been told). I would have loved to have kept that relationship as her baby is only months older than my youngest and we had a lot in common.

So if you can, address the issue without attack, but how it made you feel.

Codlingmoths · 09/08/2023 02:56

I think you should bring it up with your parents. Tell them it was hurtful shitty behaviour and they could have found a way to support you both instead of centring her. I was pregnant, I gave birth, I’d have loved my parents support but you were only interested in how my sister felt. I’d say:We won’t be coming to any family things in the period after sister gives birth because I don’t want to watch you be adoring grandma to her baby when all I got was that you were really happy my sister loves my baby. I just don’t need to see that comparison right in front of me and feel like my baby and I mattered so much less.

LemonPeonies · 09/08/2023 06:25

6 months is nothing, it's not infertility. I ttc for several years and was still genuinely happy for my sisters and friends, because I'm able to differentiate. I don't understand how some people expect the world to revolve around them. If I were you I would have got on and enjoyed Mt pregnancy anyway but it's done now. Slap on a smile for her but I wouldn't be feigning interest.

ChurlishGreen · 09/08/2023 06:43

Efficaciou5 · 08/08/2023 23:13

With reference to your thread title, you're allowed to enjoy anything you want. If others aren't on-board then that's their issue.

Retrospectively playing the victim there a little perhaps ?

This is my first reaction, too. No one can ‘stop you enjoying’ something your own — other people’s responses are, however, out of your control.

LLInADaze · 09/08/2023 06:46

I'd let it go

olivehaters · 09/08/2023 06:54

OP you are more forgiving than me. I would have it out with my sister and parents. To not allow you to enjoy or talk about your pregnancy because she was jealous then gush about her own is awful and she needs it pointing out to her. She had only been trying for 6 months for goodness sale. That is not infertility! You just got pregnant first and she then ruined your pregnancy and she then expects you to gush over hers? What a selfish, self absorbed individual.
I say this as someone who has gone through two miscarriages while her friends and been getting pregnant all around her. I never one did anything other than slap a smile on my face and get on with it.

Rivermedway · 09/08/2023 07:00

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2023 22:39

The sister was ttc for 6 months when OP conceived.

That’s a perfectly normal amount of time. Not sure why people are talking about it as infertility or a major heartache.

It sucks to want to be pregnant and struggle but let’s not pretend the sister was in an unusual situation deserving of kid glove treatment. She was just jealous OP got pregnant first and everyone rallied around her to make OP feel guilty.

Was about to say something similar. Sister had only been trying for six months, not years. She was obviously jealous that op got there first.

I’m sorry that your experience was tainted by your sister. Hopefully she won’t dampen any other experiences you have.

with your sister, I think you need to be the bigger person, and be supportive.

With your parents, maybe a quiet word about how hurt you feel that no-one was able to openly discuss your pregnancy, and how going forward, you want to be able to share all the exciting news openly. its good your other sister acknowledged what went on. However, don’t make a big thing out of it, as then you may look like the jealous sister.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/08/2023 07:06

Your sister and family treated you very badly, OP. That’s it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread