"Having a baby ruins your relationship"

[Starling543]

Hi all
I am expecting my first baby. I saw this article this morning which paints a very negative picture:

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230628-why-couples-fight-after-having-a-baby

The article is long but the upshot of it is that research shows that having a baby negatively affects relationships with 90% of couples saying their relationship was worse after having a baby. I can understand this short term with lack of sleep etc but it seems to say these changes last for years and many couples consider breaking up!
The article recommends couples therapy as a way of coping. This seems like quite a big step.
I'm hoping to hear some advice from other people with babies as to how things have really been, and any tips that helped your relationship ... We waited a long time to have a baby and I really don't want it to jeopardize my marriage!

It's strengthened mine immeasurably. Although we were together for 12 years and very strong together before having a baby! I think lots of people rush into it or use a baby to fix things which obviously will not help. Make sure your parenting ideas and household + parenting task expectations align.
If you're happy and good together then there's no reason at all for it to be damaged.

Nearly destroyed us.

You have to work as a team and not against each other in a who's the tiredest competition.

We hardly argued during the newborn stage surprisingly. Although we didn't tell our friends this who often argued when they had their babies. But we had a really strong and long relationship before we had children and we equally share parental and home responsibilities so have an equal relationship which a lot of couples don't have.

For the first year and a half our relationship got worse (actually the problems started in the last trimester of the pregnancy) because of MIL interference and in laws issues, I swear that sometimes I thought that leaving would be the only solution. But things got better, my DP had to talk to his mum many times and she eventually improved, I also relaxed a little.
I think you can come back stronger in the end but can definitely put a strain in a relationship!

Its changed us in some ways, but it's not better or worse. Just different.

This bit of my post made me laugh though tbh. It was very much me before having kids:

I can understand this short term with lack of sleep etc but it seems to say these changes last for years and many couples consider breaking up!

Sleep deprivation often isn't short term though. It often does last for years. Many kids take years to sleep properly, and lots of men don't take their share of this burden. I thought that really disrupted nights were just for a few months, but they turned out to be for many years.

I'm married to a wonderful man who pulls more than his weight in every way, but I know many don't.

It's bought us so much closer, but we suffered 9 years of infertility and multiple miscarriages, she's bought us so much joy and we are enjoying all of it. We are tired, absolutely shattered some days but communication is your best friend here. Work as a team and you'll be grand. Congratulations x

It does change things because you’re going from being two independent people to being a genuine team. That of course brings you together in lots of ways but it can put pressure on you in other ways. Even something as simple as always feeling like you need to account for your movements in the early days, neither of you can just swan off somewhere without running it by the other person first and that can be quite a big adjustment.

Sleep deprivation is hard. But a newborn is such a joy. And sometimes you will miss time being a couple in your own right and sometimes you will be in awe of how well you work as parents. It ebbs and flows and it brings out different things in different people.

I think your relationship has to be really strong to be unscathed (or you have ALOT of outside the home support)

Ours was strengthened on an emotional level but sex life has never fully recovered.
we were older, established as a couple, shared the load as I was freelance so no year long Mat leave but maybe most importantly only had one child so the baby phase was short as can be.

Sleep deprivation can last a long time.

It also puts stress on other areas which can then cause arguments and resentment eg finances, housework, and free time.

I think it just exposes any cracks that are already there. But I don't think it's true to say it inevitably ruins your relationship!

It didn’t negatively impact our relationship negatively at all. We’d had years together before we had our first and were very much ready to concentrate on our children. Ours are teens now and our relationship is still a very close and happy one.

Our relationship has really strengthened after baby! It was so heartwarming to see love of my life trying to be the best dad he could be, also supported very well for my career too!
It has made our family strong unit I would say! But yeah after I conceived for my second baby which I m due in 3 weeks our sex life took back seat which is understandable as we have toddler to take care and pregnancy throwing up all symptoms! But surely adding kids to our lives brought different spices to the life!

I think the thing that most damages relationships with a baby is resentment. As a PP said, try not to have the "who's tiredest" competition.

I resented DH not changing his life at all - he would swan out at the weekend to do "chores" while I was stuck, once again, at home. Well I blew up one day, and (loudly) explained to him that his number one chore was now his child, and to put her at the top of his list. It got better after that.

Yep I’d agree with that but DH and I were ill prepared and immature when we had our first. All good now though still together and more in love than ever 18 years later.

I'm soo fed up of seeing these type of threads it's annoying tbh

Agree.

We got the biggest shock of our lives to be honest and it did take on a toll on our relationship.
Once we found our feet it got better.

We're expecting our second and we feel more prepared😅 so hopefully we manage with alot less arguments.

Don’t read them then?! Surely this is a legitimate and useful topic/thread on a website like this!

The topic isn't useful at all, it just causes more over thinking for no reason, everyone experinces things differently in life, just the title on its own is negative.

<looks at name of website>

That rather depends on how parenthood affects you doesn’t it? DH and I were the oldest children of large families , we’d been changing nappies and making bottles up since we were about 7 or 8. We absolutely knew what to expect. We weren’t tired either. By week three our routine was simple, he came home from work and I’d always have prepped the type of meal you just sling back in the oven for 20 mins ( lasagne / curry/ shepherds pie etc) so when Ds had had a bottle we’d put him in his basket or bouncer and eat our meal. Then I’d have a bath and sometimes meet DH in the bedroom for a quickie. Then we’d chat/ watch telly till 9pm and I’d go to bed. DH the night owl would wait until the 1am bottle Was done before bringing DS to bed in our room. We’d all sleep till about 5 then I’d take DS to the lounge to give him the morning bottle while DH slept in till 8. We were a very organised outfit and a very good team. DH was a much better burper/ rocker and settler of fussy time which was always just as he got through the door 😂. We definitely didn’t lose anything it was a really strengthening experience.

yes must admit having dc changed our relationship. we were together 10 years before dc just the 2 of us totally wrapped up in just each other then along came dc1. Dc was a very good easy baby but things were never the same as dc became my priority and the new love of my life. if I'm honest I pushed dp aside and he took 2nd place to dc. we did stay together and had dc2 but our relationship has never been the same. suppose its only natural for a mother to priorities her children over her partner.

Wow that's never thought of doing that for 😮

@Usernameunknownfornow

What? That made no sense at all 😂

It is swings and roundabouts for want of a better way of putting it. Sometimes I look at my DH and think how wonderful he is, and how lucky we are. Other times I think that i'd like to throw our children at him for a night and run away to a hotel. You're having a baby, your hormones will be all over the place. You will both be utterly exhausted at times, and at the same time. You might both be working and caring for a child. We did all of the above, and by 8 months in got a family therapist, and it was the best money we have ever spent. I am very grateful for my DH, but having children did almost break our marriage. I think it is all about learning to grow together, and finding a way to do that.