I’m honestly sat here reading all the ‘it strengthened ours’ comments trying to figure out what the deal is.
Are you the unicorn parents with the baby who slept through from 6 weeks old?
Are you a long way down the line and just looking back through rose tinted glasses?
Or are we just lying to make the OP feel better?
We wanted kids forever really. Independently and then together. We are professionals we thought we were ready.
Damn were we wrong.
The reality of parenting OP is that it makes life just about 500% more problematic than it was pre kids. It strips away your freedoms, you no longer get autonomy over your life the same way. All the little things you used to take completely for granted… they’re so hard…almost impossible most of the time. There’s a whole other person (2 in our case) and for the first 5 years their needs are pretty high and need to be met almost entirely by you. They also have to be attended CONSTANTLY so either you either balance this between you, rope in a willing family member or you pay through the nose for care.
If you pay for care be warned the first 6 months they’ll barely be there because they will be unwell ALL of the time and you will be unwell when they’re unwell, arguing over who has to take time off work this time because you’re both already on attendance warnings, all whilst still paying £60-90 per day to the nursery they aren’t actually going to.
All of the things you thought would be fun to do with <5’s aren’t. At all! They whinge and cry and fight each other, everything is expensive and no one is listening and half the time you’ll drive to/from the activity with EVERYONE crying including you. They break stuff, throw stuff, have very little safety awareness and honestly toddlers are just the worst. You can’t reason with them, my 2yo daughter had a screaming fit that lasted 30 minutes the other day because she wanted THE CAT to open her yogurt… I wish I was kidding 🤦♀️
They do not do to bed it’s hours of ‘go to sleep’, ‘go to sleep’ ‘I SAID GO TO SLEEP’
All whilst they cry and whinge at their gates requested snacks and drinks and toilet trips and nappy changes and books and YOUR SOUL! It’s a lie that they suddenly sleep through from 6 months. My 2yo DD still wakes up demanding ‘more milk’ 2-3 times a night and we have literally tried everything other than sacrificing a goat and dancing around a field naked at midnight, NOTHING WORKS!
Your relationship breaks down because you are never just a couple, either you’re sat down stairs with the TV on pause and dinner going cold whilst your partner is upstairs dealing with the carnage, or you’re the one in the toddlers bed waking up at 3am with a dodgy back and a child on top of you. You can’t go out to do things you enjoy like shopping centres or nice cafes with toddlers because you just spend the whole time focused on them, what they’re doing, what damage and carnage they are creating.
You spend 90% of your time covered in grot, I’m talking multiple bodily fluids, sticky finger prints, half the time you don’t even know what it is. Your partner will usually figure out that he can avoid this by scheduling hobbies and activities that on the surface of it are ‘healthy’ and ‘important for his mental health but at the same time just stick you with Constant childcare and he’ll make comments like ‘but you can do it too’ but in fact you can’t do it 🤷♀️ because you’ve lost most of your friends in the baby stages and those you do have are all mums too and it takes 4 years and 3 PA’s to schedule a single coffee date. Plus when you leave the kids with your partner he doesn’t do things the way you do which throws the kids routines off and that just comes back to bite you doesn’t it?
He suggests fun things to do but all the planning, packing, facilitating and general sorting will be on you. Going away for one night requires more luggage than a weeks holiday used to and you’ll be ‘just popping to Asda for bits’ for at least 3 days before you leave because your minds a sieve now and you never get time to sit and make a list and when you do go you’ve got screaming toddlers running a mock so you always forget something. People tut at you, you’re an inconvenience and your kids are annoying because they’ve minorly inconvenienced somebody.
Have you every tried to unpack a trolley whilst the 2yo in it screams bloody murder and throws every single item then can reach on the floor? Other than the raw sausages ofc which they immediately stick their fingers into and try and eat…and now you’re holding up the queue so there is more tutting.
People used to be lovely to you. You were a youngish, pretty, productive member of society and now you’re here having a break down at a checkout with two screaming toddlers, greasy hair and ABSOLUTELY nothing left to give!!
The resentment creeps in and builds up. You raising issues and communicating openly and clearly becomes ‘having a go’ and ‘nagging’ because he knows your point is valid but he’s tired and fed up and honestly just doesn’t want to give anymore so it’s easier to paint you out as the bad guy.
Why are you always so cross?
Why have you let yourself go?
Why aren’t you the woman you were 5 years ago?
If you only have one child and you have a very good support network both paid and unpaid you might be ok. Literally every other parent/family we know are in this boat ^ oh and before you shrug your shoulders and think ‘poor woman but that won’t be us’ please know that we really didn’t think it would be us either.
DH is a doctor, I worked in finance. We had a nice house/car/life we read every parenting book we had so many ideals… our kids were not going to have screens until they they were 2+ (I’m laughing whilst typing this - on the toilet whilst hiding from DH who is doing bedtime)
Good luck OP