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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Ex denying he’s the father but refusing a DNA test?

50 replies

rosepetals2023 · 28/07/2023 08:16

Hello all,
Was in a short term relationship which ended and found out I was pregnant a week later. (unplanned as I was on the pill)
I told him about the pregnancy as soon as I found out and at first seemed interested then became very adamant I had an abortion. I couldn’t go through with the abortion in the end and thankfully have a supportive family so I have decided to continue the pregnancy alone. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want to be part of the baby’s life and point blank denying it’s his.

He was the one who cheated, I was 100% loyal throughout the relationship. I hate the idea of him slandering my name saying it’s not his child and that I’ve been sleeping around which is all lies.

I don’t want to claim CMS as he’s made it quite obvious he will do anything to get out of it (moving country) and wouldn’t put it past him to make my life miserable in revenge. He’s also saying I did this on purpose because he’s a Dr and I want to rinse him for money. I can’t stand him going around accusing me of that and really would rather raise the baby myself with my own finances.

I would however like to have a DNA test so the child knows who their father is in the future seeing as he’s denying it’s him. He knows full well he’s the father and when I mentioned a dna test he refused to do one.

Is there any way to get around this or if he doesn’t consent to the test is it impossible?

Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 29/07/2023 09:49

@rosepetals2023 you can get through this. He is already so hostile...its better he is not involved. I have a hostile ex who is always trying to "punish me" irregardless of how it affects the children. I would happily have him bog off and take his paltry £250 a month for twins with him.

Don't chase him to be a father, let him go away and think of his actions, he may Decide to come and be s dad to the baby at some point but you must maintain boundaries. Set times , no deviation.

C1N1C · 29/07/2023 10:15

If he's being a dick, I'd do everything I could to screw him (even though CMS is rightfully yours anyway!).

If he was a gentleman, and was simply out of his depth, I'd probably let him go... but he's not.

Bonbon21 · 29/07/2023 10:21

When the dna test proves paternity.. get a passport for the baby as soon as possible and keep it well out of his way. Then he will never be able to leave the uk with the child should he ever man up and actually father it.

Igmum · 29/07/2023 10:46

Agree with others. Go to the CMS and let them sort it out. It would be pretty difficult for a doctor to deny knowing the risks of pregnancy.

If he does misbehave keep records and report him to the Police and his professional bodies (BMA).

You can't control what he says so rise above it. People will probably see through him.

Sorry he is being such a knob but congratulations on your pregnancy

mumda · 29/07/2023 10:59

Did he wear a condom?

Set CMS on him. Twat. I am out of tolerance.

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 29/07/2023 12:39

Thanks ladies 😊I don’t know how someone can be so heartless but at least I saw his true colours early on and didn’t waste years on him.

@mumda he didn’t use them, he was saying the pill is 100% effective and I must have stopped taking it. Would expect a Dr to be aware it is not 100% foolproof 🙃

OP posts:

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 29/07/2023 12:41

@Bonbon21 yes that’s a good idea, will definitely apply for the passport. I doubt he would do a runner but you can never be too careful. Xx

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 29/07/2023 12:50

As others have said, claim maintenance from him and don't let him bully and threaten you.
Like everything else he's said to you and about you, it's all lies.

He's a jerk for not wearing a condom. Never let a man do that ever again.

Katrinawaves · 29/07/2023 12:53

If you don’t need the money, then I’d consider forgoing the claim to be a good investment in keeping this twat out of your life. I believe if your circumstances change in the future- you go on benefits- that you can make a claim at that point but payments wouldn’t be backdated.

I would not want a man like this having parental responsibility or any legal levers to pull in relation to my child if it was avoidable.

this doesn’t mean that you don’t tell the child their father’s true identity and when they are old enough, they may choose to track him down. By which point he may have mellowed and may or may not choose to acknowledge them. But you don’t have to deal with that scenario for probably well over a decade I’d say so don’t meet trouble halfway.

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 29/07/2023 14:35

Well just an update he rang me up just before off a withheld number to tell me he has moved on, has a new gf, living with her, met her parents and she’s just found out she’s pregnant. 🙃

Baring in mind we split up just over 4 weeks ago..

Also said their child would be very much loved unlike ours. I can’t believe what a disgusting man he is. I just said congratulations on your news and you’ll hear from the courts for a dna test once our child is born.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 29/07/2023 14:40

Danikm151 · 28/07/2023 08:20

Put a CMS claim in. If he refuses then a DNA test will prove he should pay.

I know you said you aren’t putting a claim in but the £20 for doing so will put the wind in his sail

And think very carefully before deciding against claiming CMS.

One day your child may wish to go to university or need a deposit for a house. That money would make both a great deal easier. As a single mum, you are less likely to be able to help on your own.

It isn't your money to reject, it is your child's, so think carefully before you throw it away.

MintJulia · 29/07/2023 14:41

Sorry, cross post

mumofdragons · 29/07/2023 14:47

Claim CMS, he will need to prove that he is not the babies father by DNA test.
Don't put him on the BC as in the future, if you wanted to go on holiday - he could refuse. Some airports/airlines need a letter from the father saying they agree to the child going on holiday. Also, for sure give the baby your surname (I'm in to process of changing my two children's last names from their sperm donor dad)
Good luck with it all, some men are trash but sounds like both of you will be better off without him - be grateful he is someone else's problem. There are great men out there, I am happily married to an amazing man who treats my older two as his own.

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 29/07/2023 14:49

@MintJulia putting it in that perspective you’re very correct, especially now as he’s telling me he has another pregnancy undergoing with his new woman and how he’ll treat their child better and not ours.

OP posts:

Katrinawaves · 29/07/2023 14:50

Don’t worry about the birth certificate. As you aren’t married you wouldn’t be able to put him on the birth certificate unless he was physically present when you registered the birth so this isn’t even an option to consider.

alittleadvicepls · 29/07/2023 14:52

If you claim child support he will have to be on birth cert. And the court can order a
DNA test but maybe even just being approaches by your lawyer will make him take it.

alittleadvicepls · 29/07/2023 14:54

Also just saw someone mention that if you put him on BC he could stop you from going abroad. That’s entirely untrue because he won’t be a guardian. Being a parent and a guardian are distinct. I went through the same thing with an ex so I know a little about the process.

Katrinawaves · 29/07/2023 16:12

alittleadvicepls · 29/07/2023 14:52

If you claim child support he will have to be on birth cert. And the court can order a
DNA test but maybe even just being approaches by your lawyer will make him take it.

This is a slightly garbled version of the situation.

When baby is born, you can’t put him on the birth certificate without his consent.

You can claim CMS without him being on the birth certificate

If he contests paternity, CMS can order DNA testing.

If he admits paternity or it’s proven via DNA he can apply to the court for parental responsibility rights. This would also enable him to have the birth certificate amended to put his name on.

Once he has parental responsibility, he could do a lot of stuff you’d rather he wouldn’t. Eg he could consent to medical procedures you would rather the child did not undergo - circumcision or vaccinations are often contentious examples. He could apply for a passport for the child and take them abroad. He could apply for a prohibited steps order preventing you from moving abroad. He could apply for shared custody and if granted 50/50 would not have to pay any CM.

So if he is as toxic and abusive as you portray him, making an application for CMS is a huge decision with lots of ramifications and not something you should rush into without considering all the angles unless you financially have no other options.

JaukiVexnoydi · 29/07/2023 23:27

Surely the fact that he fought against being identified as the father, fought against supporting his child and hasn't tried to be in the child's life at all would make it difficult for him to win parental responsibility?

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 30/07/2023 09:01

@Katrinawaves that’s what I’m concerned about, if he were on the BC I could imagine him refusing permission for holidays etc to be difficult. I have to weigh out the pros and cons.

If the OW is pregnant and already moved in like he says she has, it’s her I feel bad for as he won’t have told her I’m pregnant. He’s known for a month I’m expecting and we only split up a week before that so she’s either just found out or he’s been sleeping with her while we were together.

I can’t help thinking it’s all lies to try lure me into an abortion.

OP posts:

alittleadvicepls · 30/07/2023 11:26

@Katrinawaves but he would have to apply to court for parental responsibility. If he has no involvement with the pregnancy, pressured OP into an abortion and continues to have no involvement then no judge in their right mind would grant him parental responsibility.

alittleadvicepls · 30/07/2023 11:28

his behaviour of getting OW pregnant and what not causing emotional distress in OP. I was told by my solicitor to keep all communications with my ex back then to contest guardianship application so maybe just keep that in mind OP.

Floppyelf · 30/07/2023 11:35

rosepetals2023 · 30/07/2023 09:01

@Katrinawaves that’s what I’m concerned about, if he were on the BC I could imagine him refusing permission for holidays etc to be difficult. I have to weigh out the pros and cons.

I can’t help thinking it’s all lies to try lure me into an abortion.

Is he italian? If he is I think I know who he is in real life. He really is a piece of shit. Expose him

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 30/07/2023 12:17

Thanks @alittleadvicepls , sadly all communication has been through phone calls as he has blocked me off all social media. 😞I don’t know whether or not to believe that OW is pregnant, but then again he did seem alright with the news when I first told him I was expecting so would explain why he suddenly changed/disappeared and now wanting me to abort/denying it’s his.
@Floppyelf no not Italian (eastern eu country). It’s horrible that there is so many nasty people out there these days

OP posts:

Stressfordays · 30/07/2023 12:24

Honestly, I'd let him crack on and just get on with my life. I spent too long arguing the toss with my ex and it effected my mental health massively. Once I'd let go of it all, life was much better. Enjoy your pregnancy and baby without his involvement. Dragging through courts and CMS is too much hassle.

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